Russell's Practice III

"Is it even possible to meditate? Is it possible to direct the attention in any way?"

I like that Kenneth, thanks!

"Don't apologize. It's only refreshing with unpolished posts that don't try to keep any "perfect yogi" or any other self image in place.

Thank you for being honest of where you where at that point in time"

I appreciate it Erik. I have been so diligent at journaling, but sometimes lately I am a complete loss of words on how to describe what I am going through. Confusion doesn't cut it anymore. It's not that. Frustrated, maybe, but that doesn't do it either. Maybe its because I see through all those labels and blah blah blah just comes out! Hah!

Maybe just "this, this, this!" is more appropriate.

Just had this vision while I was sitting of me stepping through a hole in the ground and falling, then I finally landed....inside my own head. I felt kind of a thump. So weird.

"there is no way to tell what the next moment will bring" has turned into simply just "what's next?" I like that better.

So this "What's next?" question has been great for pointing to the realization that I cannot see what will happen next, but I realized (well, someone gave me a nudge - thanks Nadav) that I am still comparing my current experience with the past. I still talk about now in a "I feel better than yesterday" type way. So more good pointers to look at experience as it is right now.

This, this, this, this, and this too.

Let us know when you find something in the present moment that's not included in the present moment.

Still cycling over here not much new to report. Not sitting a whole lot, but I couldn't sleep the other night so I did some inquiry in bed for what ended up being quite a while. Was getting some strange involuntary movements and random bliss waves throughout.

These bliss waves come up during the day too when talking to other practitioners or experiencing gratitude.

Last few sits have been interesting to say the least.

Been trying to 'do nothing' but in that realized that that is still doing something. And for the first time, that was very frustrating. There is nothing I can actively do to surrender. This will unfold on its own. I just need to keep asking the good questions and looking at how all everything, even the looking happens without trying.

Also, had some very fearful moments where I would ask 'Let me see the joy in this day' and I would get an answer of a very strong 'NO!' Scared the crap out of me.

A real deep seated fear is coming up now. Real existential fear of death. It kept me up last night quite a bit. And today I feel like I am just tired of all this. Not in a frustrated way like I posted a little while ago, but just a very 'Alright, I give up' kind of way.

I thought of something funny to try to do today to 'give up.' I will spend the whole day trying not to be mindful! HAHA! Starting...now....

Could be a good day to eat a bag of cheetos.

"Could be a good day to eat a bag of cheetos."

Mmmmm. Cheetos

I know I said I was really tired of this yesterday. But now I'm really REALLY tired of this.

...and twinkies too. Don't forget the twinkies. Get them while you can.

"...and twinkies too. Don't forget the twinkies. Get them while you can."

You are right Ron. Maybe twinkies are the answer. I haven't had one in about 20 years. Now if I can only get my hands on one...

Well, all of this is very yucky. Phasing in an out or embeddedness. Mostly in. Feels like none of this path stuff ever happened and there is no way I could ever wake up or get this done. At the same time it feels like there is nothing to do. Sorry for the complaining lately. This part of the path is downright unpleasant.

"You are right Ron. Maybe twinkies are the answer. I haven't had one in about 20 years. Now if I can only get my hands on one..."

Uh, Russell: craving and clinging. Just saying.

Still chugging along. I have gotten more in the habit the last three to fur days of getting a more "formal" sit in vs. just sitting up in bed before going to sleep and kind of nodding off. I seems to help a bit with some of the turbulence. I am also very thankful for my wife who is doing her best to snap me out of embedded moments. I was sulking on the couch yesterday and she took me by the hand, walked me outside, and said, "look at this! This is all there is". It made me snap out of my slump right away.

Your wife is obviously awake

"
Your wife is obviously awake

"

Ditto!

when my husband spouts stuff like that i call him bodhisattva spouse

"
Your wife is obviously awake

"

She is good eh?

Trying to feel better = biggest obstacle.

Better than? Better about?

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Better than? Better about?

"

Exactly.