Russell's Practice III

  • someguy77
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11 years 5 months ago #90947 by someguy77
Replied by someguy77 on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Wow.
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  • RonCrouch
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11 years 5 months ago #90948 by RonCrouch
Replied by RonCrouch on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
"It was almost like I was about to barf up my self! ;)"

You'll feel so much better afterwards - I promise!
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90949 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Thanks Ron. Still chugging along, subconsiously fighting my ego. Nothing I can do about that, but just watch the battle unfold.

Funny, my above comment about stardust. Woke up with 'Ziggy Stardust' in my head. How funny is that? Monty Python and David Bowie all in a day. The brits are invading my head.
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90950 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Very emotional the last few days. Even cried when Felix Baumgartner did his space jump today. How awesome was that?
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  • giragirasol
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11 years 5 months ago #90951 by giragirasol
Replied by giragirasol on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
That was amazing. I was on the edge of my seat, cheering when he showed signs of life in the freefall and when he landed.
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90952 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Practice update: I am only sitting between 20-40 minutes a day. It doesn't seem as necessary. Sits are very hard to really remember too. They have been those no-effort, just sitting, kind of sits. Yesterday evening I did try to use the witness again just to see what would happen and it was like an ebb and flow of tension then release back and forth. I would try to find where the "I" was and I would tense up, but then it would get very thin and i would get a nice expansive release.
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90953 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Lots of no-agency stuff with conversations still. I just speak, feels like there is no thought behind it. Words flow, I can almost hear them like they are foreign. However, people seem to be very receptive (almost more so that usual) to my input or feedback although sometimes when I go back to my desk I am like. "where did that come from?" or "what did just I say?"
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90954 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Brutal anxiety for no apparent reason again today. It's just the swing of things it seems. Trying to still remain thankful for the moment and realize my awareness is still very clear, even though it mainly only clear about not being very clear :)
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  • JYET
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11 years 5 months ago #90955 by JYET
Replied by JYET on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
"Brutal anxiety for no apparent reason again today. It's just the swing of things it seems. Trying to still remain thankful for the moment and realize my awareness is still very clear, even though it mainly only clear about not being very clear :)"

Feel with you Russell. I'm also fluctuating from day to day. Mote anxiety recently. But yesterday I felt great. It's funny how the storylines about the external situation change with the emotional states. Do you also have this? Nothing of it can be real because we watch both bliss and despair, right?

Metta
Erik
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90956 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Yeah, I really don't notice much of a physical difference in how I feel when it's a good day vs a bad. It is all 100% my emotional reaction to things, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason why some days everything is so clear and some days everything is muddy and I have violent emotional reaction. Feels like and battle with my ego, head on. Thats a good way to describe this part of the path. Ego battle. It's putting up a good fight to stay alive, for sure.
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90957 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Anxiety level down again, but I have quite a strong feelings of defeat. There is nothing I can do here, complete surrender. I feel done with the fighting, just going to observe. Got into a mixture of trying different techniques in the last few days and it just leads to frustration.
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  • nadavspi
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11 years 5 months ago #90958 by nadavspi
Replied by nadavspi on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
I can't tell you how familiar that sounds, especially the last sentence.
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  • cmarti
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11 years 5 months ago #90959 by cmarti
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90960 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Thanks Chris. This helps, fairly embedded today though, so I need to keep working.

Last nights sits, just sat. Feels like my body slowly disappears, thoughts other than questioning my experience are few and far between. Had a few fruition like moments and then one moment where I just started laughing about all of this. Don't know why I found everything so funny suddenly.
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  • giragirasol
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11 years 5 months ago #90961 by giragirasol
Replied by giragirasol on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
It is really rather ridiculous in retrospect. And sometimes in moments of clarity along the way. :)
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90962 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Been on vacation since Saturday in Quebec City. Beautiful place. Had my normal sitting time. The plane was very good for that too. Nothing much to report other than I keep cycling in and out of anxiety mostly, but that is pretty par for the course right now.
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90963 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Nothing like a frantic cab ride back to the hotel where my wife left her passport and a delayed flight to really see how far this practice has taken me. I was rather calm and accepting somehow.
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  • Rob_Mtl
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11 years 5 months ago #90964 by Rob_Mtl
Replied by Rob_Mtl on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Hey, hope you enjoyed Quebec, Russell! I think you came in good time- we've been having a fantastic run of fall colours, and all sorts of beautiful or dramatic weather (at least, upriver here in Montreal).
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90965 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
"Hey, hope you enjoyed Quebec, Russell! I think you came in good time- we've been having a fantastic run of fall colours, and all sorts of beautiful or dramatic weather (at least, upriver here in Montreal)."

It was beautiful Rob. Thanks. We had a little rain at first but yesterday was fantastic. I didn't know you were from up there. I will have to visit Montreal sometime as well and say hi.
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  • Aquanin
  • Topic Author
11 years 5 months ago #90966 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Noticed some fruition like activity when meditating while in bed the last night of my trip. Feels like another review-like cycle or something because when I sit now I keep getting A&P like bliss waves over and over again pretty rapidly. Baseline is the same though it seems.
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90967 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
This whole thing is pretty absurd. I am sitting here cracking up at myself about how childish I have been acting through this whole process. Just back and forth, not learning lessons, having to fight myself over and over again. I sit here with the on going dilemma that some technique will do something, but once I try them they are all unsatisfactory, but when I try 'no-technique' or just sitting, after a while I feel like I need to be doing some technique. Hahah. This is madness I tell ya.
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90968 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Tried to meditate for a bit and it took me 10 minutes to settle down. I was nearly crying, I was laughing so hard. Finally settled down and the next thing I remember is my wife waking me up. Feel very dazed. I think I slept for about 45 minutes.
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  • giragirasol
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11 years 5 months ago #90969 by giragirasol
Replied by giragirasol on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
Dude, I'm on the edge of my seat, feeling every moment of this. You describe this phase of the journey so well. :D
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90970 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
I have to thank all the people I have talked to recently over skype and/or email. It is amazing how talking to other practioners at this point helps more than almost anything. Last night was the opposite of the night before where I was laughing. I had some good cries last night. Not from sadness. I am just overwhelmed by all of this. This is the most interesting/crazy/amazing/painful thing I have ever gone through.
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  • Aquanin
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11 years 5 months ago #90971 by Aquanin
Replied by Aquanin on topic RE: Russell's Practice III
OK Something happened today, buts not super sticky yet, but if I look directly for it it still happens. For the first time, I felt like I became awareness itself and Russell became an object, just like everything in my experience. It was like 'Whoa!' and 'Duh!' at the same time. I was giggling, then tearing up, then giggling again. Like I said, it isn't super sticky (going back and forth a bit), but it feels like dipping a toe into non-dual awareness. It's been there all along!
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