Jarrod's Practice Notes

Started with a few minutes of walking as usual. The amount of time it took to get through 3 cycles of counting to 10 uninterrupted was greatly diminished, only restarting once (usually have 4-5 restarts). Anyway, sat for about 40 minutes after that. I intended to start with noting body sensations to settle in, which I did, but the strobing/flickering was obvious immediately so I turned my attention to that. When putting my attention upward, the visual field was distinctly alternating between bright white and stark blackness. When I lowered my attention, the bright white in the visual field was almost overwhelming. If I stuck with that, I could feel the pull of becoming absorbed into it, with the whiteness growing beyond the visual field and basically consuming all of my body and beyond. I put the attention back up to the 3rd eye area and the strobing was much more distinct than the past couple of sits. Very staccato. There were periods of less intense strobing with body sensations making themselves more known. When this happened I switched to out-loud noting of those sensations. Usually within a short time after that the strobing would dominate again and I would turn to that trying to be very clear about the cessation points. The concentric green circles that I used to experience frequently started showing up again. They appear in the visual field as a large ring and begin moving forward and away from me as they shrink. Just as a ring would begin to fade to a point a new one would start. I tried to catch the precise point that the circle vanished and then moved to the next one. While I did this I had some tingling at the top of my head. I had a brief moment of being disoriented with some intense eye flickering. I found that I tensed up and was fighting it a bit. I tried to let that go and it sort of faded.

Increasingly difficult times at work have made it nearly impossible to continue journaling, and much to my disappointment have seriously affected my daily sits as well. Not to rant about work, but I've had to put in some serious hours over the past couple of weeks and have basically been living at my office. Extreme fatigue has made my sits dull and full of head bobbing. I just sat for 30 minutes and began with the usual out loud noting of body sensations. Pressure of the cushion, big knot in my back, lots of itching. Smooth noting for the first few minutes, but then found myself wandering and nodding off. I noted the sleepiness and wandering. Then the frustration and disappointment. This helped wake me up and went back to body sensations. I occasionally tried to check in with the flickering/strobing sensations at the 3rd eye. Non-existent. Frustrated, disappointed. I made a real effort to maintain an attitude of just noting what is rather than expecting great progress and lots of strobing, etc. This helped and I had a few moments of picking up more subtle sensations. Subtle vibrations and tingling, which were noted. A sense of relief and joy, also noted. These moments were quite fleeting and the dullness came over me again. This was noted as was the resulting disappointment and frustration.

On a positive note the lack of time to formally sit has really made me find those few precious moments during the day to check in with a sensation and note/penetrate even if it for just a minute or two. This has been a real saving grace as far as feeling I haven't completely lost all momentum. I find, actually, that it is almost easier to tap in to the subtle sensations if I just take a moment in the midst of a stressful wired work day as compared to formally sitting and being completely exhausted. I've found that I almost never scratch an itch anymore. If I feel an itch, I'm secretly thankful for the reminder to be mindful.

This is great, Jarrod. The avalanche at work won't last forever, and since you've been "keeping it warm" the whole time, you will be poised to make good progress as soon as you can get back to a more humane schedule. Hang in there, you are doing it right!

Kenneth

Thanks for the encouragement Kenneth. At an intellectual level, I certainly understand that as long as I'm noting whatever it is that's arising, them I'm doing it right. But man, it sure feels like a backslide when the mind is drifting off into dreamland while on the cushion. I'll keep on keeping on though. I sat for another 30 minutes this morning. It was a similar experience as the past few sits with the wandering and sleepiness, but there was a definite decrease in the amount of frustration, disappointment and similar judgments about the quality of the sit. So, that was a nice glimmer of hope. I certainly went into the sit with a more patient attitude. From a map perspective, I don't think I've gotten much above the 3rd nana with the last few sits. The noting starts with some typical gross physical sensations (pressure, tension, pain, relaxation). Eventually I'll notice I was wandering a bit and note the wandering. Once that was noted I found it easier to catch the start of the next wandering and note it instead as an image thought or planning thought, etc. Eventually towards the end, the intense itching sensations tend to dominate. They never quite broke down into vibrations though, which is why I believe I've been sort of maxing out at 3rd nana lately.

Hi Jarrod,

In my own experience when I got sleepy i started seeing that at times (not all the time) that that sleepiness was stage specific. It was usually connected or influenced by a heavy, heavy hypnosis inducing flow of vibrations/sensations directly at the chest area. Of course if you haven't gotten enough sleep or worked all day, then the sleepiness could be because of that too. But be aware that at times it really could be stage specific and something else to note and watch change. I still go through a period where there will be this intensely heavy sensation at my chest, and the mind will feel pulled into it, almost hypnotised into a sleepy funk, if I don't note it and get embedded in it.

The wandering mind seems also at times to be stage specific, even now. I usually notice the mind fill with all sorts of thoughts at specific stages in the cycle of insight. So don't feel frustrated because of that wandering mind. It could well be you are going through a stage of insight where that is just another aspect of it. The dukkha nanas are great for a wandering mind as is equanitmity of formations nana. Then again it could be because you have a busy mind. Anyway, I tell you this so you don't think it is a backward step if your mind wanders. It wanders even after enlightenment. There is just no difference or preference given to the wandering mind over a still unmoving mind.

Keep on truckin!!!!!

" There is just no difference or preference given to the wandering mind over a still unmoving mind.
"

Hi Nick. Thanks for the input! You make a great point about my current stuff being state specific. I really think it has a lot to do with an extreme lack of sleep I had last week, but I shouldn't write it off without investigation. I guess regardless of the cause, the sleepiness and the wandering mind are what are being experienced, so they should be investigated. The "no preference" advice seems like the key, but I so easily fall into the trap of wanting a "good sit".

Anyway, nice to know this isn't necessarily a backwards step and that it is something that will happen post-path as well. Thanks again.

EDIT: "that it IS something that will happen post-path as well" oops.

Another 30 minute sit again today. I am starting to feel more like my normal self again, although the sit was still filled with sleepiness and wandering. Maybe it is more stage-specific than I thought, like Nick suggested. Anyway, I did observe that the sleepiness and wandering comes in cycles, so I decided to just go along for the ride rather than judge/prefer/get disappointed. I started with some decent alertness after a few minutes of walking to warm up. Sat and noted body sensations. Started to feel the pull of the wandering mind and noted image thoughts, planning thoughts, etc. Tried to continually go back to body sensations as a base. The image thoughts would eventually become more vivid and compelling and I'd get wrapped up into one and start wandering. As soon as I noticed that, I'd note wandering, wandering. This would usually bring back a bit of the alertness and the cycle would start again. I made a real effort to keep up the noting to try to catch the moment when I started to wander. Difficult to say the least. I found that I would sometimes note nonsensical things as I tried to maintain the noting while getting lost in thoughts. I was kind of comical. I noted 'salt, salt' at one point. No idea why! Noted the humor and the wandering and went back to body sensations. I did get a bit frustrated at one point and opened my eyes to find that there was 10 minutes left on the timer. I had a brief thought of just giving up as the sit was not 'productive'. I noted this as frustration, disappointment and preferring, allowing me to dis-embed from that and continue the sit. The cycles of wandering and alertness then continued for the next 10 minutes.

[cont.]

I let the high frequency rumble be as it was and watched the changing amplitude (or revving). Sometimes intense and 'loud' and then it would drop off to zero before revving up again. Bell went off but I continued the sit for a few more minutes. Lowered my gaze into the bright stable visual field and resolved to maintain the sense of peacefulness for the rest of the day.

I had a late start this morning so went right into a 30 minute sit with no walking first. I settled in with a few minutes of counting the breath, then turned to noting body sensations. I tried to keep it open to thoughts and emotions as well to try to minimize the tendency to wander. Noted the usual body sensations (pressure, tension, itching) and noted several planning thoughts followed by anxiety. Cycled through these notes for awhile, then noted the flowing movement in the visual field. I raised my awareness to the 3rd eye to see if there was any strobing going on. Nothing. Went back to the visual field motion and decided to just give myself permission not to stress/suffer about this stuff. I immediately felt relaxed and open. Raised awareness back to 3rd eye and the strobing was on full blast. Watched it for a bit, got irritated and lowered the gaze to a very bright stable visual field. Soaked it in then went back up to the strobing. Went back and forth for a bit, then noticed an increase in anxiety and irritation. Noted this then went back to out loud body sensation noting. Started to relax. Given the success of giving myself permission not to stress, I then decided to give myself permission to attain stream entry. Why not! Went back up to the strobing and it was very intense. Relaxed into it and watched. Hard to describe, but the frequency of the strobing was quick and pretty consistent but the amplitude varied (or had its own slower frequency I guess). Kind of like revving an engine. There's always the underlying vibration of the engine but it becomes more or less intense with pushing and letting off the gas.

[cont.]

Well, I continue to be overloaded at work and have struggled a bit with keeping up the regular formal sitting routine I had established over the past several months. This seems to have impacted my momentum a bit, but I continue to try to note as much as possible during my work day. Overall, it has been quite stressful, but I'm trying to learn what I can from the overwhelming work load and my stress in response to it. It is entirely clear to me on an intellectual level that the stress and suffering I experience during the work day is completely dependant on my reaction to the outside stressors that appear to be attacking me on a regular basis. While I don't quite think that THE cause of my stress is my reaction to these forces, it is clear that my desire to avoid these forces or to want them to be other than they are is a crucial link in the chain of my stress/suffering. I suppose it is a step in the right direction that I can see this at least on an intellectual level, although stress still sucks in the moment. So, I try to continue to live and learn. My formal sits haven't felt as efficient as usual since I haven't been able to do them consistently. This week I have managed to get back on track so far though. I've gone back to the basics and I'm going through the 4 foundations noting then ending with bystander noting. I've started to record the noting which has given me a nice energy boost. I sat for 30 minutes this morning and will transcribe the noting in the next couple of posts.

I started with a few minutes of counting the breath to get settled in, then began out loud noting of body sensations: sitting, pressure, touching, pressure, itch, touching, pressure, pressure, itch, touching, itch, pressure, pressure, itch, coolness, itch, pressure, touching, itch, itch, itch, pressure, itch, pressure, itch, pressure, coolness, coolness, pressure, itch, tension, itch, flickering, pressure, pressure, itch, relaxation, coolness, itch, pressure, pressure, touching, dry, coolness, itch, coolness, itch, relaxation, itch, coolness, pressure, itch, tension, shifting, pressure, coolness, itch, flickering, dryness, itch, pressure, coolness, itch, pressure, coolness, touching, vibration, pressure, itch, tightness, coolness, itch, itch, pressure, coolness, lightness, pressure, vibration, touching, itch, coolness, dryness, tension, pressure, coolness, relaxation, pressure, touching, dryness, itch, pressure, coolness, itch, vibration, relaxation, pressure, touching, coolness, pressure, itch, pressure, pressure, tingling, itch, lightness, tingling, touching, coolness, tension, tightness, pressure, itch, relaxation, pressure, itch, tension, itch, relaxation.

After a few minutes, I switched to feeling tones: pleasant, neutral, pleasant, neutral, neutral, unpleasant, neutral, neutral, pleasant, pleasant, neutral, unpleasant, stretching, unpleasant, unpleasant, neutral, unpleasant, neutral, pleasant, pleasant, neutral, pleasant, neutral, unpleasant, neutral, neutral, '¦. pleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant, '¦. neutral, shift, neutral, pleasant, neutral, unpleasant, unpleasant, neutral, unpleasant, neutral, '¦. neutral, neutral, unpleasant.

The ... are places where my noting dragged a bit.

After a couple more minutes, I switched to mental states: wondering, content, searching, '¦excited, content, searching, wondering, analyzing, irritated, content, curious, excited, searching, wondering, irritated, anger, frustration, irritation, humor, content, searching, wondering, searching, content, relaxed, excited, curious, hopeful, humored, excited, anxious, stressed, anticipating, relaxation, searching, content, excited, pleased, relieved, happy, excited, joy, relief, happy, irritated, content, relaxed, hopeful, analyzing, happy, satisfied, curious, anxious, wondering, analyzing, relaxation, content, curious, wondering, hopeful, excited.

And then to thoughts: image thought, blank, image thought, planning thought, remembering thought, image thought, image thought, planning thought, image thought, remembering thought, planning thought, anxiety thought, planning thought, image thought, remembering thought, planning thought, talking thought, image thought, remembering thought, remembering thought, image thought, wondering thought, planning thought, image thought, planning thought, remembering thought, talking thought, '¦ image thought, fantasy thought, image thought, planning thought, talking thought, remembering thought, image thought, analyzing thought, image thought, remembering thought, remembering thought, image thought, image thought.

I took a minute to count my breath again and then finally brought it home with about 10 minutes of continuous bystander noting. Each was preceded by "see how it": sits, feels sleepy, touches, feels pressure, pleasant, sits, itches, feels coolness, neutral, touches, neutral, sit, pressure, pleasant, sits, feels numb, unpleasant, itches, image thoughts, itches, hears, wonders, image thought, sits, pressure, neutral, sits, excited, sits, image thoughts, cool, neutral, pressure, pleasant, wonders, sits, pressure, unpleasant, image thoughts, itches, pleasant, hears, searches, relaxes, tingling, pressure, itches, cool, straightens, feels tight, itches, pressure, pleasant, plans, image thought, pressure, unpleasant, itch, lightness, pulsing, touches, neutral, image thought, plans, pressure, numb, hears, image thought, plans, image thought, neutral, sits, relaxes, plans, image thought, pressure, itches, plans, itches, frustrated, sits, hears, image, content, happy, sits, pressure, neutral, hears, numb, unpleasant, sits, itches, hears, plans, image thought, flickers, coolness, strobes, itches, pressure, neutral, pressure, pleasant, touches, itches,

cont ...

..cont.

coolness, neutral, touches, pressure, image thought, remembering thought, plans, image thought, neutral, plans, image thought, unpleasant, itches, lightness, sits, pressure, itches, strobing, flowing visual field, pressure, unpleasant, coolness, relaxation, image thought, excited, plans, relaxes, evaluates, sits, vibration, lightness, upward movement, pressure, pleasant, coolness, touches, itches, excited, energized, sits, judges, excited, pressure, itches, unpleasant, content, pressure, sitting, neutral, vibration, tingling, pleasant, undulation, wonders, image thought, plans, hears, image thought, unpleasant, numb, plans, pressure, chaotic visual field, pressure, unpleasant, coolness, itches, plans, anxious, curious, wonders, hears, hears, wonders, curious, frustration, plans, pressure, lightness, tingling, hears, image thought, pressure, unpleasant, wondering, curious, pressure, tension, frustration, flickering, raising attention, pressure, flickering, listening, curious, irritation, annoyance, tension, pressure, hearing, image thoughts, flickering, annoyance, strobing, strobing, circles, gone, gone, gone, movement, gone, flickering, strobing visual field, numbness, pressure, strobing, straining, relaxation, flickering, vibration, tingling, flickering, relaxation, strobing, relaxation, strobing, pleasant, lowering gaze, stability, pleasant, relaxation.

Then the bell.

Awesome report! Such detail... did you record this?

"Awesome report! Such detail... did you record this?"

Yes. I used the voice recorder on my iPhone then transcribed it myself. I'm trying to find a good voice to text app to make it a little easier for next time.

Brilliant. Thanks, Jarrod. This is how ya do it!

I've got a mic on my ipod touch headphones and a voice recorder... good plaaaaaan!

"Brilliant. Thanks, Jarrod. This is how ya do it!

"

Thanks Kenneth. I look forward to catching up next week.

"I've got a mic on my ipod touch headphones and a voice recorder... good plaaaaaan!"

Go for it. It's informative to listen to it after the fact.

Wow, 2 whole months with no updates. I'm feeling like I'm officially back on track, however. The last 2 months have been filled with work, work and more work. Every aspect of my life seemed to be infringing on my ability to sit consistently. This was completely frustrating (although I did manage to squeeze in at least 20-30 mins on most days). The good news is that this forced me to realize that noting is not exclusive to formal sitting. More and more I found ways to note at all times of the day. I find now that any time I am not actively engaged in something at work, I am reminded to note, note, note. It's great!

Today's sit: 20 mins sitting, 20 mins walking, 20 minutes sitting. Noted out loud for first 45 mins or so, then shifted to watching the more subtle sensations. Back to out loud noting for the final 5 mins. Leaving the sit with a sense of peace.

I'm planning on a 2 day weekend retreat in 3 weeks. This will be my first formal group sit in over a decade and will be the longest by far. I'm hoping to gain some good momentum from now until then so I can capitalize and get a path under my belt already!

I plan on attending a 2 day weekend retreat in 3 weeks.

Today's sit was 40 mins total, sitting, walking then sitting again. Sitting begin with noting body sensations, then moving to doubles, triples and quads adding in each of the 4 foundations in succession. Felt sluggish and dull. Noted a lot of frustration, sleepiness and irritability. I was easily lost in thought, but continued to bring the noting back to body sensation as an anchor.

One third of the way through, shifted to walking, noting up/down with each step. Being up and about added a bit of energy and I noted the excitement and relief from the frustration. Found a decent groove and noted push/up/down with each step. I was walking in a small room so had to turn often. I noticed and noted the planning to turn and intention to turn then the turn itself between the push/up/down notes.

Went back to sitting. My throat was getting irritated with the out loud noting, so decided to drop it and went to mental noting. I was still feeling sleepy, so this was a bad combination. I tried noting the rise and fall of the abdomen with each breath, just to change up the anchor to keep myself on my toes. As with the first portion of the sit, I noted a lot of frustration, wandering of thoughts. Towards the last couple of minutes, I did sense some nice undulations between the sleepy head nodding. Managed to stick with the undulation for just a couple of minutes before the bell went off.

Woke up this morning with a determination to note as much as possible throughout the day. Was able to stick with it for the most part while getting ready for work with the occasional drifting into dreamland. Carried the momentum into a 30 min sit. Working on Kenneth's 'Wheel' technique (i.e. noting 4 foundations aloud while sensations are gross, then shifting to eye postures as sensations become subtle). Still fighting off sleepiness during the out loud noting. When talking with Kenneth, subtle sensations appear within minutes, while sitting alone they seem to take forever. So, I was noting a lot of 'anticipation' and 'frustration'. Also a lot of 'searching' for the subtle sensations. Mostly noting out loud, although I'm trying to mix in some whisper notes and mental noting as prep for my upcoming weekend retreat. I was mentally noting the rise and fall of the breath and some subtle undulations started. It is unclear to me whether the mental noting of the breath helped induce the subtle sensations or whether they would have inevitably come after sitting for about 25 mins at that point. I suppose it doesn't matter. They were there, so I dropped the noting and put my attention on the slow pulse of the undulations. There was very light fluttering of the eyelids, but it was faint, so difficult to work with. Soon after the bell went off. I'm looking forward to being able to do longer sits to really explore The Wheel. Got up and continue to note as much as possible '¦. typing, pressure, remembering, analyzing'¦

Old perspective: work interferes with my meditation practice. I go to work despite a preference to sit.

New perspective: work is practice. I go to work so that I have an opportunity to practice in a new way.

nice! the real deal!