Jarrod's Practice Notes

"Old perspective: work interferes with my meditation practice. I go to work despite a preference to sit.

New perspective: work is practice. I go to work so that I have an opportunity to practice in a new way. "

I thought about this and took it to heart a few times today. Thanks, Jarrod.

I was only able to do a 20 minute sit this morning, although I have continued to keep up the noting throughout the day. I get absorbed into tasks at work, but have been pretty consistent about getting some noting in between the tasks and especially if I'm up and about. It seems to make the sitting easier in a sense. Overall in the sit, there was a lot of calm relaxation with moments of mind wandering that I would eventually catch and pick up the noting again.

A couple of things that have been on mind and I'm curious what others think:

1. There are some days at work that I am just juggling too many things, which creates a huge onslaught of planning thoughts coupled with a lot of anxiety. I try to note them, but sometimes it is a bit overwhelming. I've been thinking about strategies I will try when this happens again. One is to really put the attention on physical body sensations and note there to avoid getting trapped in the whirl of thoughts. The other would be to stay with noting thoughts, but to take it to a 30,000 foot level and note something like 'overwhelming thoughts' rather than try to catch each and note as 'planning thought' or 'anxiety thought' or whatever. Any other tips when the thoughts are frantic and compelling like this?

2. I have found more and more lately that the moment when I remember to note (i.e. I realize that I'm lost in thought or whatever, then start to note) has become very interesting. I'm not sure if it is the knowledge of awareness or what, but regardless of the amount of stress or distraction or whatever, the moment I realize I'm embedded then switch to noting is quite pleasant and a huge relief. Tough to explain, but it is almost like seeing a long lost friend for the first time in awhile. I can't help but smile. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

"I thought about this and took it to heart a few times today. Thanks, Jarrod."

Awesome! Glad I could help.

Started 4Fs noting right when I woke up. I got ready for work, then sat for 30 minutes. By the time I sat, I had already noted through the 4Fs doing singles, doubles, triples and quads and then bystander noting. I sat, resolved to enter 4th jhana/11th nana within the 30 minute sit and to see each strata of mind as clearly as possible along the way. After making the resolution I just relaxed into the sit and picked back up with the noting. I started over with singles, doubles, triples and quads but spent only a minute or 2 doing this, then shifted to bystander noting. I felt settled in quickly and most sensations were body oriented during the first couple of minutes of the bystander noting. Eventually, I began to rock front to back very slightly. I shifted attention to this and it stopped. I went back to bystander noting and the rocking started again. I gently shifted attention to the rocking and noted each pulse. This turned into a right to left rocking and I continued to note it and sensed a rising curiosity, which I noted between the back and forth pulses. Two very intense itches presented themselves on my ribs. One dropped away quickly but the other had 2 distinct vibratory qualities. It had a fast pulse to it that generally was in sync with the overall pulse of my rocking body but also had a slower frequency that built up with intensity then slowly faded back down. The build up was euphoric. I rode these for a minute or 2, then purposefully shifted my attention to my extremities. Felt the euphoria diminish and had a couple of chills up the back of my neck. I sat with this for a couple of minutes.
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I then willed to go through higher strata. General unpleasantness became dominant, followed by lots of quick itching sensations, desire to stretch and facial tension. Tried to let it be and just relax into it. Felt peaceful and external sounds were dominant. They were slow, easy to follow and seemed closer than they actually were. I felt a pull downward felt the same sensations on the way up but backwards and much quicker. Ended with a pretty tight focus around my nose when the bell rang.

Great report, Jarrod! Keep on keepin' on.

I took the same approach as yesterday with starting noting during my morning routine, then sitting for 30 minutes. Again I made a resolution to see each strata of mind as clearly as possible, but this time also resolved to end the 30 min sit at the 4th jhana/11th nana (rather than to enter it during the 30 min sit). I was curious if this would prevent the descent I experienced yesterday and was curious how it would affect my mood for the rest of the day. I did not feel a clear descent but it was almost as if I was in the 4th jhana the whole time or at least the entire sit was somehow colored by the 4th jhana. I did experience mostly physical sensations at first, and some faint rocking then some intense euphoric itches similar to yesterday's sit but each of these sensations was extremely short lived and faint. The overall quality of the sit was very relaxed and stable. More jhana-like than nana-like, I suppose. There was a brief chilled out period then an extended period of just sitting with not much else going on. And no rough patch between these sensations. For the final several minutes, I would occasionally get pulled briefly into some talking thoughts but was able to dis-embed pretty easily once I noticed them. I dropped the noting in general and just watched the stability, which I couldn't quite seem to penetrate. I noted when I caught the talking thoughts then dropped that again as they faded. Overall mood for the day so far is totally relaxed and accepting.

So, same generally routine as the past few days. My motivation has been strong, likely because of the weekend retreat I have planned for the weekend after this one. It has energized my practice resulting in a higher level of curiosity during each sit. It's generally been fun to sit and investigate. Anyway, starting the noting a good 30-40 mins before the sit is tremendously helpful. The settling-in time is greatly reduced. Today, within a minute or 2 of sitting I was feeling a strong pulsing sensation. I couldn't help but drop the noting and just follow the pulsing. It was a completely internal sensation with no body rocking, just a downward internal surge of energy mostly in my chest. This lasted a few minutes then faded, so I picked back up with standard 4Fs noting. I had trouble discerning the early nanas but the noting was consistent at 1-2 per second. Eventually, I had the strong euphoric itch sensations in the ribs. These lasted for awhile then faded but I continued to feel energetic for quite awhile after this. The energy eventually faded and pretty quickly after that I had a couple of vivid 'image thoughts' that were pretty nasty. I actually felt disgusted and noted it. This was followed by a very brief moment of strong facial tension, which went away as soon as I noted it. I then relaxed and there was a clear shift up and out and my attention was wide but centralized around the top of my head. It felt as if I was wearing a crown. There was little concern of the body other than the pressure around my head. This lasted the last couple of minutes. At this point I was noting sounds, followed by the image thoughts the sounds triggered.

Same routine, but made 2 resolutions. One was to consistently note at least one sensation per second unless dropping the noting was necessary to watch subtle phenomena and the second was to reach the 11th nana as quickly as possible and to remain there for the duration of the 30 min sit. The noting seemed to flow easily. The whole process had a metronome quality to it and the attention was light and bounced around easily. This seemed to trigger an internal pulsing, which was initially located mostly in the head around the right side of my face. I noted the pulse unless some other sensation was more center stage. This was all very rhythmic. The pulsing subsided but the steadiness of the noting continued. The sit was quite stable again with very little wandering. Eventually I felt a very clear rise of energy, followed by a wave of excitement and joy. It felt quite light and the brightness behind my eyes turned up a notch. This dissipated quickly but the pleasure remained for a bit. There was a brief increase in agitation and some itchy sensations, then a nice calm for the remainder of the sit. There was some tingling throughout the surface of the head. Most of the noting was of the tingling or of sounds of cars passing or my son playing downstairs. Occasionally I felt the heaviness of my body and noted the pressure of the cushion. The pressure had a mild unpleasantness to it but it wasn't bothersome. The bell went off but I felt like I could have continued much longer.

Just as a side note, I continue to be surprised at the ease of my sits lately. Up until just a couple of weeks ago, it seemed as if each sit was mostly a period of settling in, followed by a lot of impatience, irritability and agitation and maybe if I sat long enough, there would be a more pleasurable period towards the end. Overall the sits felt like a struggle, but now they seem easy and stable throughout. They are not full of pleasure, but there is a definite difference in the level of ease and acceptance of whatever arises. Very rarely do I feel any impatience or the urge to get up.

You seem primed!!!!!! Keep chewing!

Thanks Nick! That's encouraging to hear....nyum, nyum...

Same deal, same resolutions, slightly different result. I was up a little later than normal last night, so I was a bit sluggish in the morning. My pre-sit noting seemed to suffer as a result. The sleepiness seemed to carry through the sit, but overall it didn't seem quite as bad as the sleepiness I was having a few weeks ago. I had a couple of different sensations in today's sit. The first was around what I think was the 3rd nana. As I became settled in and was doing bystander noting, there was a very very slow but strong pulsing pressure a bit below the 3rd eye area. It was more at the left eyebrow but towards the nose. The pressure built up and physically pushed my head up and back then subsided and my head dropped forward again. Repeat. The whole cycle lasted about 8-10 seconds. After a few repetitions, the last one didn't subside for quite some time and felt more like a constant pressure. When it faded, the euphoric itches kicked in, lasted only a few seconds, then a nice wave of bliss and cool sensations. Ahh. There was a brief rising sensation with some irritability, then different sensation #2. This was a chaotic and quick vibratory sensation on the top right side of my head. Nothing physical about it, a pure mental vibratory strobing. The chaotic-ness seemed to reach a climax, then the whole thing sort of opened up and it dissipated. Sounds became predominant. At this point I was easily getting pulled into some mind wandering day dreams about nothing in particular. I would note it when I caught it and would note the frustration that came along with it, but then I would get pulled into the next reverie. The noting didn't really seem to help here. Somehow the thoughts kept slipping past the guards.

I sure like the sound of this, Jarrod. As for the slippery mind, the most effective remedy is to ask, "I wonder what my next thought will be." Then, sit and watch, the way a cat watches a mouse hole, alert for the moment the mouse pops his head out of the hole. By turning toward the thoughts and taking them directly as object, you co-opt these former enemies into allies in your awakening.

You are getting close. Good luck!

Kenneth

"As for the slippery mind, the most effective remedy is to ask, "I wonder what my next thought will be." Then, sit and watch, the way a cat watches a mouse hole, alert for the moment the mouse pops his head out of the hole." - kennethfolk

Ok, I will give this a try and report back. Just straight noting clearly wasn't working, so time to whip out a new tool from the ol' yogi toolbox. Thanks for your continuing encouraging words and pin-point advice!

Asking "I wonder what my next thought will be" definitely helped, although today's struggle was with sleepiness. This tends to be a common occurrence on Saturday sits since my 2 year has brilliantly learned the skill of really wearing his dad out these days. I was able to note when the sleepiness arose, which kept me going through the sit and moving through the strata.

I was able to move up through the strata despite the sleepiness. Each appeared duller and softer than normal but they were still there passing by. I had to try the "I wonder what my next thought will be" much earlier than I anticipated, but it did add a bit of alertness.

I got a nice bolt of energy when I was around what I think was the 10th nana. This woke me up a bit and I was able to let go of the struggle of trying to stay awake. This seemed to push me into the 11th. The slippery mind started up and when I asked "I wonder what my next thought will be" I easily caught the next few thoughts. I found that I would miss one again, but despite the sleepiness I would catch the drifting earlier than I could yesterday. I would just ask the question again and be back on track. The thoughts subsided a bit and I had a fair amount of strobing. I turned to watching that with curiosity. The bell went off after about 45 mins.

Overall, there was the underlying struggle with the sleepiness, but still managing to move through the strata despite that is a good confidence booster.

Sat for 40 mins this morning. It felt like a bit of a backslide. The movement through the strata seemed slow, although the first 2 nanas were clearer than usual. Usually I don't have a clear sense of where I am until the agitation of the 3rd nana kicks in. Today, there was a clear locking in after the first few minutes. There was a pleasantness but tight focus. This was followed by a lot of memory thoughts coupled with feelings of regret or disappointment. Past actions and consequences were taking center stage. That's not usually so obvious. I seemed to linger in the 3rd nana for awhile. Eventually I got a little sick of it and tried to incline the mind upward to the 4th. This actually seemed to work. Pleasant rise of energy and excitement. I tried to then incline the mind to the 5th nana and that seemed to work too. I deliberately focused on the extremities. This lasted for awhile as I tried to dwell there for a bit. Lots of goose bumps. I then intended to pass through the dukkha nanas. These were clear but quick. High anxiety, followed by gross imagery, then deep sadness. Each just a couple of seconds. Then a lot of strobing kicked in so I followed that. There was a clear moment of opening, which seemed like 11th, but it did not last long. I seemed to slip back into 10th and there was a high degree of just wanting to end the sit, a lot of irritability, etc. It seems to be lingering since I've gotten up as well. So, feels like a backslide since 11th didn't seem to stick.

It's never a backslide if you continue practicing. You are cutting out a path physio-energetically, so that the 11th arises with more ease and then eventually you'll have cut out a wide enough path to pop your top. Keep cutting out that path! Perhaps that energetic (kundalini?) path passing through the 10th stage needs some more "widening" as well as the 11th. Make it wider (disembed)! The "backsliding" may well be part of the cutting out a path process, (unless you were embedded in something, then some backsliding down the cycle may result).

All part of the process!

Hi Jarrod!

It is all part of the progress. Sometimes it seems more linear and sometimes it goes in circles. Try to let it mature without expectations and controlling. I have found that the most efficient way to progress is to stand back, get out of the way and watch it all happen.

Antero

Thanks Nick and Antero. I think I was getting embedded in expectations. Resolutions had been working so well lately that I just expected that to continue. The key is that Resolutions = Intention + Surrender.

Kept that in mind for this morning's 30 min sit. I noticed a lot of anticipation and expectation, but clearly noted it this time. This made for some smooth sailing. I started with my usual pre-sit noting and after a few minutes of sitting, there was a clear shift into 1st nana/jhana. Tight focus and suddenly the mind was under control. I heard external sounds, but they seemed quite distant. Continued with bystander noting. I seemed to hover around 3rd nana for awhile and then had a very intense shift into 4th. There was a huge burst of energy following really intense euphoric itches in my left ear. It feels so good but is so intense that the 5th nana is very welcome and really where the pleasantness is at. I hovered at the 5th for awhile with a lot of coolness and chills. Fear, misery and disgust presented in order and passed by quickly. Lately for me, Fear is a quick tension in the gut coupled with a wave of anxiety, Misery is a short burst of 3rd nana-like itches and discomfort (but quicker) and Disgust is a quick series of image thoughts. They each pass by quickly and there is a distance to them from me, which is one of the best parts of my sits lately. This was followed by some chaos. Lots of quick thoughts and some spontaneous pulsing. Very hard to track. With steady consistent noting, a distance is created and it becomes manageable. There was a brief high pitched tone in my right ear and then a slow hard pushing at the third eye. Antero's advice sprang up in my mind and I just let go of the whole thing (Thanks!). It all slowly faded. There was no clear shift, but suddenly I found myself lost in thoughts. I asked 'I wonder what my next thought will be'. This brought some alertness, and was able to sustain that for the duration of the sit.

Sounds good! If you continue like that, you cannot possibly fail.

Antero.

Mostly uneventful 30 min sit this morning. Moving through the strata was not too clear. Most sensations seemed very faint. The settling in and stability of 1st nana was clear, but after that all I can say is that I probably passed through the A&P and probably hovered at 5th nana for awhile, but not entirely clear. Definitely no strong dukkha nana sensations, but I'm certainly not going to complain about that. Overall it was just a peaceful sit with the occasional subtle pulsing, but never more than a few seconds at a time. Predominant notes were anticipation, expectation and boredom plus a lot of focus on physical sensations. A couple of times I did have a weird sensation arise. The sense of me being at the center of the meditation became obvious and then faded a couple of times. I can't say that there was no 'me' there when it faded, but the noting itself moved to the foreground rather than me being in my head and doing the noting. Hard to describe. The noting just continued through this. It didn't feel like I was sitting very long at all when the bell went off. I'm just going to keep chewing.

Off to a weekend retreat. It is non residential so hopefully I can report back tonight then do it again on Sunday.

Thanks to Kenneth for taking me deep last night. Truly grateful for your guidance.

Post weekend retreat report. Overall great experience. Something happened but I'm not sure what exactly. I'm going to ramble for awhile, so bear with me.

Day 1:

The weekend followed a typical retreat schedule, alternating sitting and walking, with some yogi jobs and discussions mixed in. My plan (after discussing with Kenneth) was to try to take it slow and the establish a strong foundation of first jhana early on. Not much was said prior to the first scheduled sit, so I stuck with the plan. I was distracted at first with having so many other people around me while meditating (first group sit for me in over a decade). I just relaxed, though, and let the concentration settle in naturally. It didn't take too long to feel the tight focus of first jhana. It felt good and I hardly noticed the sounds of the other yogis. Decided to move up the arc and went to 2nd then 3rd jhana with relative ease. I hung out at 3rd for a bit, then tried to move up to 4th, hoping I was concentrated enough to slip past the dukkha nanas. It worked and I was hanging out at 4th/11th for the duration of the first sit. The retreat center is in the middle of the city so there were a lot of traffic sounds outside. These sounds and the sounds of others breathing, coughing, etc. were more noticeable, but definitely not a distraction, just part of the overall environment. Towards the end of the sit, a police car passed the center and the siren triggered some intense strobing. The siren sounded very staccato.

[more to come...]

Got up from the sit thinking the weekend was off to a great start, but then it hit the wall! The next few sits and walking sessions before lunch were plagued with anxiety over the schedule of the day and just logistics of the retreat. Where will I do my walking? Do I have to watch for the clock? Where's the kitchen? Etc. Just lots of questions surrounding the fact that I've never gone to a retreat before. I was able to slowly disembed from this anxiety and questioning. On a positive note, I had no lack of material to work with for the duration of the morning.

Another observation is that having not done such a long stretch of continued noting, I found it hard to track where I was on the maps. I had a very clear stroll up the jhanas first thing, then no clue after that. I've become so used to 30-60 min sits and the predictability of them, that the continued sitting/walking was a bit disorienting in that respect. For example, on each subsequent sit, I wasn't sure where I was starting from.Normally, I'd start from scratch and work my way through the strata. But now, without knowing for sure where I was starting, it was hard to track progress. I dropped trying to track it and just noted the occasional sign post and took in the evidence if it arose. If any analysis of progress started, I would just note it and move on.
After lunch, I felt that I found the rhythm of the schedule, so settled in a bit more and the noting flowed more easily. The teachers were encouraging shamatha on day 1, but by the afternoon I was eager to just continue with the practice I had been doing for weeks now. It feels more natural, to ride the 'wheel' and subtly shift technique based on moment to moment experience, rather than force a particular technique just because it was day 1 of the retreat. Left for home after 11 hours of practice feeling tired with a bit of a headache. I was eager to get some sleep and go into day 2 rested and with a better sense of what to expect.