Chris Papadopoulos Practice Notes

"I totally relate to the wall thing. Sometimes it's almost like this clear message: "The sitting is over. It's OK to get up now." I'll try work with sitting through this a bit more. I've done this some by resolving to sit for specific periods of time. You're then forced to finish out the hour or what have you. Makes me wonder what that "wall" is all about..."

You know what? Perceptions of this "wall" are coming up even with a timer! On one hand, I'm pretty confident that this will resolve one way or the other through continued practice. On the other hand, there this intuition or suspicion that the "wall" is the first signs of a deeper level of ego-self.

7/1/10: 45 minutes. Early PM.
This was a bear of a sit. Maybe because I tried to do too much. I sat with the following things to consider:
1) a couple of rounds of breath counting before beginning noting
2) noting sequentially through the 4 levels, then noting as perceptions arise
3) watch for the "wall" at 20 minute mark
4) vigor vs. concentration -- keep the noting front and center and as rapid as possible
5) maintain investigative attitude

3 rounds of breath count (1 through 10). Noting was exhausting but, as always, there was incremental improvement in how quickly thought-streams, bodily impressions, and feelings were caught. No major energetic stuff to report. Some life narrative stuff (thoughts and emotions) did capture the attention at times. Of course, once noted, it was no big deal to see those perceptions disappear.
Verbal thought streams gradually replaced by visual thought streams. Always more difficult to catch quickly. Still a brief lag between arising perception and noticing of it. Then I mustered a bit of determination and increased alertness-tension, which worked. Reveries were being caught as they arose, which was welcomed.
Feeling winded and fatigued and a bit disappointed at the scattered concentration but pleased at the continuing improvement.

"Hey Jarrod, the next day's sitting went through all the way to the timer (45 minute mark). Go figure. But: Since there is no guarantee that arising perceptions of urgency and wanting the experience to end (a.k.a., AVERSION) won't pop up again. If they do, I will follow your advice and welcome this composite of tensions, thoughts, and feelings otherwise known as "The Wall" to see what the hell is going on."

Yeah, the sits never go as planned, huh?

"7/1/10: 45 minutes. Early PM.
This was a bear of a sit. Maybe because I tried to do too much. I sat with the following things to consider:
1) a couple of rounds of breath counting before beginning noting
2) noting sequentially through the 4 levels, then noting as perceptions arise
3) watch for the "wall" at 20 minute mark
4) vigor vs. concentration -- keep the noting front and center and as rapid as possible
5) maintain investigative attitude

3 rounds of breath count (1 through 10). Noting was exhausting but, as always, there was incremental improvement in how quickly thought-streams, bodily impressions, and feelings were caught. No major energetic stuff to report. Some life narrative stuff (thoughts and emotions) did capture the attention at times. Of course, once noted, it was no big deal to see those perceptions disappear.
Verbal thought streams gradually replaced by visual thought streams. Always more difficult to catch quickly. Still a brief lag between arising perception and noticing of it. Then I mustered a bit of determination and increased alertness-tension, which worked. Reveries were being caught as they arose, which was welcomed.
Feeling winded and fatigued and a bit disappointed at the scattered concentration but pleased at the continuing improvement."

That sounds exactly like vipassana practice to me!

what does "maintain investigative attitude" mean?

Hey Mike, what I mean by "maintain investigative attitude" is to approach the meditation with curiosity, like "well let's see what we've got here.... what IS this?". Instead of obsessing too much on doing the meditation correctly. Because if there is this investigative curiosity, then the meditation seems to do itself rather well!!!

"Yeah, the sits never go as planned, huh?"

Ha! I guess setting too many goals is just that -- setting goals. Not necessarily any bearing to results. I confess that this is the longest uninterrupted regimen of sitting and journaling I've done in a long time. Maybe ever. So it's all this great big adventure! Yeah, that's the ticket!

"Hey Mike, what I mean by "maintain investigative attitude" is to approach the meditation with curiosity, like "well let's see what we've got here.... what IS this?". Instead of obsessing too much on doing the meditation correctly. Because if there is this investigative curiosity, then the meditation seems to do itself rather well!!! "

I see, I like that. Especially if it helps.

A month has passed since the last entry in this meditation log. Notes would typically be transcribed into a notebook, then from there onto here. But then, I just stopped meditating after a short period of stops and starts. Took care of some business. etc. I won't post anything from that time, especially since I feel that discontinuing practice set me back a few notches (temporarily).In the meantime, a couple of sit downs with Kenneth have been of great help. Thanks man. Of particular note were a tour of some jhanas (and how the "wall" can actually be a "springboard". More off and on. Then another meeting in which we explored more subtle vibratory and closed-eyes "spaces". So:
8/1/10: Early PM. 35 minutes.
Began with 3 rounds of breath count to 10. Then rising-falling, then the next 3 levels. Surprisingly, not so bad with noting the more subtle mental forms. I did get a bit eager/impatient and went into focus on eye position behind closed eyelids and shifting between "eyes up" and "eyes down". I think I rushed into it because access concentration was threadbare, if at all. Now that I can recognize more subtle stuff, body "wobble-like" expansion and contraction was sensed, especially around the outer arms and elbows. Slow Whomp-whomp-whomp. Eye flutter and mental flickering. Absorptions were, in retrospect, to be expectably shallow - given that there has been much time away from practice. But there were many spots of silence (and reflected somatically as relaxation or calm-in-the-storm).

I am pleasantly surprised at how the time away was not as detrimental as I had feared. Chatter-mind slowed pretty quickly, obsessive thinking was minimal at worst, I was able to "weather" uncomfortable mental pop-ups easily enough. And the mind did not resist or try to judge the cycling between mental states. So, yep, yep, overall a good "welcome back" sit.