Anthony's Adventure Log

Yesterday's Practice: 2nd and 3rd gear.

I decided to give some practice time to 2nd and 3rd gear. I ask myself the "who am I". It took a lot of concentration to keep it up. I got the sense that the watcher is always watching. Most interestingly though was that I really didn't seem to identify with it as me. It felt almost like some 3rd party entity that was always keeping tabs on me.

I am not 100% in understaning of the 3rd gear yet but I gave it a "try" knowing that trying is not part of it. For some reason I felt like keeping my eyes open while practicing it. All I am going to say is that I need to practice that a bit more

On a side note: I re-read the Q&A on the Non-Dual page in the 3rd gear section of this site. I know it focuses mainly on 3rd gear conversations but I really gained a better understanding about 1st and 2nd gear too.

Much gratitude to Kenneth and those who asked the questions.
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Anthony once you get the hang of it, seeing as it is summer, you should try it on a nice walk.

Quite the experience

I had a guided meditation session with Kenneth yesterday. This cleared up many things for me. I now understand better what I should be doing.

Today's sit:
Concentrated on the breath at the nose. When I relaxed into the first jhana I began to note the rise and fall of the abdomen.
I felt some pains here and there and I turned my attention to them. Sensations arose, became more subtle and fell away.
I had an itch in my ear. I focused on it. Iching, Iching. Tickle, Tickle, Vibrations, Vibrations.
Many minutes later I begain to feel a full body pulse. Maybe 2-3 pulses per second.
I felt a floating sensation. My mind and thoughts were like distant echos. I contined to note the breath and any other sensations.
More minutes passed in this fashion. I started to feel strobing behind my eyes. I let my eyes roll back and flicker.
At first it took volition to let them flicker. Then it continued on its own. Several pulses in a row then it would stop for a few moments.
I tried to look hard at what was going on when it stopped. I felt raw. My eyes were straining and my head hurt a bit.
I continued for some time. Too many thoughts began to bubble up. I was too questioning; wondering if I was doing this right.
Went back to following the breath then eased out of meditation.

I believe I am going in the right direction now. I just need to practice this everyday. I think I finaly understand Mahasi noting now.
This must be why the Mahasi technique is so usefull: Trying to note every sensation in your field all day long gives you strong noticing powers for when you need it in the higher stages of equanimity! The noting itself helps to get you to the 11th Nana and then it also gives you the key to get passed it.
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Correct me if I am wrong here but its in these strobing/eye flickering waves where you have the chance to notice one of the three doors to cessation?

The past few months I have been noting as much as I could but always with a bit of doubting of why it works.

I feel a bunch of motivation now to note as much as I can all day long to lend me strength when I get to the 11th nana.

I hope I am right in this understanding.
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today i am very aware and sensative to the constant buzz of my cravings and aversions. a very 1st noble truth sort of day.

todays sit:
I follow the breath for several minutes. feeling pulsing. not many wandering thoughts or body pain. but I feel agitated.
agitation. agitation. aversion to sitting. aversion to sitting.
next thing I know I am getting up.
grrrrrr

how does the saying go? today's insight may be tommorow's hinderance?
lol. i will try again later.
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"Correct me if I am wrong here but its in these strobing/eye flickering waves where you have the chance to notice one of the three doors to cessation?

The past few months I have been noting as much as I could but always with a bit of doubting of why it works.

I feel a bunch of motivation now to note as much as I can all day long to lend me strength when I get to the 11th nana.

I hope I am right in this understanding.
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"

Hi Anthony,

I wont rule out passing through one of the doors, probably the anicca door, through the eye flick method that has been talked about. But as far as I know and have experienced, it is used to see if you have gotten stream entry or not. Because when you do, and you observe the end of the sensations of the last flickering, it sets off a fruition/cessation moment. This happens for those post-stream entry. Although Kenneth, ages ago on the old DhO, talked about looking at the end of a sensation/vibration; Looking for the moment when a sensation just stops dead could maybe get you across the line. I can also add that when I got stream entry hours before it, I did start looking at sensations with that in mind. But it isn't necessary. You can just note and note and perhaps let go of noting and have a wide panoramic perspective of the whole field of awareness as all the phenomena of "Self" arises and passes away while in high equanimity and eventually a path moment will occur out of the blue without you expecting it. That is how it seems to have happened for the majority of people I have read about getting stream entry.Keep noting and swinging on the rope! Eventually you will get enough height and then you will let go automatically and land on the other side of the river bank!

Nick

"Keep noting and swinging on the rope! Eventually you will get enough height and then you will let go automatically and land on the other side of the river bank!

Nick"

Wow. Thats a pretty good way to look at it. Thanks for the advice Nick.
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Past few days:

Lots of small 15-30 min sits throughout the day and a few 1hr sits.
I work on concentration on the shorter ones and noting on the longer sits. Also I have done many miles of walking meditation.

During my walking meditation: I note left, right, ect... Then as I become more focused I open up my awareness. I note more and more sensations such as the tingling on my skin, the wind breezing by, noises and sights along my path. I get this sense of really being there and in that exact moment. Then I get the sense that as soon as I realize that moment in time it is already gone forever never to happen again.

I have been having this feeling come up in my sitting meditation as well, usually in what I believe to be the equanimity nana.
Sometimes I open my eyes and it feels like time has slowed down. My body is here. My mind is here. Everything else is just right here. Not in the past or the future. It is unfolding right now without straining to see it or looking for it. In this view whenever pain arises I just watch it and it doesn't seem to bother me as much. At the same time pleasent feelings don't seem to sparkle as much either.

Maybe this is a shift in the way I experience equanimity. In this stage I have little to no thoughts arise. Just observation.

Everytime I make it to equanimity something more about the stage reveals itself. So either this nana has a lot to learn about it or I am mistaking it for other nanas.
It doesnt matter though. I know I just need to keep going the way I am going.

Question: For those who have made it to stream entry and remember or realized what was going on. Once you finally made it to the equanimity nana how long did it take to cultivate it and finnally attain to stream entry.
I realize for some people this could range from days to years. But I kinda want to hear your story.
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I have searched a bunch of posts looking for these accounts but it is hard to find a detailed story about the last stage of the process right before SE happens.

Actually I do remember reading Nick H's account of the occurance on the DHO. I cant find the link now but it is a good story.

A funny fortune cookie proverb:
The pleasure of what we enjoy is lost by wanting more.
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1 hour concentration only sit today:

2 things: a) I need to work on putting in some long samatha sits like this one. and b) It reminded me about how much I appreciate what vipassana does for you. I feel productive after working on concentration and it is fun but there is just something special about riding the vipassana wave. You feel like you are actually making progress towards liberation.

Viva Liberation!
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Last night I sat to do one more 1hr Vipassana session for the day.

I was pretty relaxed when I started. After several minutes I began to feel the urge to stop meditating. I noted this as 'aversion' and continued. I felt a floating sensation here and there. I felt air on my skin, itching, warmth and a bit of back pain. I mostly stayed with the breath but then my awareness opened up a bit and I started to note all the sensations that I could in a row. I was bouncing all over: sound, itch, breeze, excited thought, sitting, touch, pleasant, tickle, vibration, pulse, itch, sound, ect'¦

I was pretty in tune with most of the sensations going on in each moment. I felt a sense of a watcher and I was going to ask the question 'Who am I?' but instead it came out as 'What am I?'

I decided to go for it and began contemplating exactly 'What' I was. I felt a body there with its many sensations. I noticed my 5 senses being present. I searched and found emotions and feelings as well. Then there were the images and thoughts of the mind. I was concentrating hard on visualizing what else I could be when the understanding struck me that the 'fiction' that was myself could not be seen with my sense of visualization-or any other sense or ability that I have.

I felt a strong sense of struggling and wanting to be out of the box of the 5 aggregates. I understood that you cannot see through this by using any of your senses. I continued to note sensations. They still came in fast. I kept seeing my reality as this moment, now this moment, ok now this moment, each one subtlety different. When I had an itch I said , 'oh wow and itch- notice, notice, notice'¦' It didn't seem to matter wether a sensation was pleasant or unpleasant I was just hungry for more sensations and the noticing of them. It was like a whirlwind effect.
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After an undeterminable amount of time the whirling stopped and it began to become difficult again to notice each and every sensation all at once. I felt a bit exhausted and decided to send metta to the world and end my practice for the night.

I tried to sleep but my brain was very much awake and excited. I just noted it until I fell asleep.
I awoke this morning feeling very raw with a scratchy throat. I don't feel sick, though, more like I went through a cleansing. I feel very calm today, a bit in the clouds, but very appreciative of life.

Oh yeah! I am getting this ride goin now.
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Yesterday's practice:
Within seconds of sitting I feel a shift into concentration. Floating. Slight vibrations.
I note the breath rise and fall. I turn my attention to anything that pops up. Itch. Noise. Pressure where I am sitting. Then back to the breath. Then back to any obvious sensations.

Irritation arises and I want to get up. I am familiar with this now and I just note irritation and aversion. Back to the breath. Back to iching, heat, airflow, tingling sensation in my hands and feet.

My consciousness or mind begins to shift. I feel somewhat disconnected from my body. Sort of like astral projection. The mind feels expansive but I don't want to lose connection with my body's sensations and just sit there in a cloudy state. So I focus on sensations of the body only. Itching, pressure, warmth, sweat, pain, wave of relaxation. I feel more of a balance with noticing sensations of mind and body again.

I open up to as many sensations as I can find in that moment. Planning thought, excited emotion, itch, itch, itch, tickle, tickle, vibration, pressure, noise, wind, boredom'¦

The boredom part always gets me.

I start to do well in my practice and even body pain doesn't get me off my cushion. But all of a sudden this sense of, 'I am bored with this and don't feel like sitting here meditating anymore' comes up and tries hard to trick me. I note this 'boredom' when it comes again. I am ready for it this time. I sense intention or craving; wanting entertainment or indulgence of pleasures. I focus on this craving trying to see it as ultimately unsatisfactory.
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cont...

I return to my noting: Itch, vibration, darkness behind my eyelids, heat, pain, aversion, tingling, ect'¦

I end my session feeling like I didn't accomplish anything. But I am starting to see for myself now in my practice how each and every session, whether it left me feeling uplifted or horrible, will all add up towards my progress.

Life is good.
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Anthony,

Based on what you wrote...

"The mind feels expansive but I don't want to lose connection with my body's sensations and just sit there in a cloudy state. So I focus on sensations of the body only. Itching, pressure, warmth, sweat, pain, wave of relaxation. I feel more of a balance with noticing sensations of mind and body again."

And, "I sense intention or craving; wanting entertainment or indulgence of pleasures. I focus on this craving trying to see it as ultimately unsatisfactory."

And, "I end my session feeling like I didn't accomplish anything. But I am starting to see for myself now in my practice how each and every session, whether it left me feeling uplifted or horrible, will all add up towards my progress."

... it's easy to see that you're on the right track.

Keep up the good work!
~Jackson

Since my last post my practice has been up and down. So yesterday I decided to make my weekend into a self retreat.

Yesterday: I sat several times with 2 one hour sits. The first one was nice. I began with concentration on the breath. I seem to phase right into one of the jhanas and lately it seems difficult to stay with concentration meditation. I have this desire to jump right into vipassana.
So I begin to note sensations. Sound, itch, vibration, floating, memory, hunger, excitement, ect... I believe I made it to somewhere around re-observation when the timer went off. Time for dinner!

Later that night I sat down for a spontaneous noting session. Immediatly I began to have that floating feeling like I am rising out of my body. I start to note these sensations. I start to note itching and pains and then aversion to sitting and impatience. I stop sitting and lay down.

After a few minutes I realize how I just became embedded in my aversion and let it take over. I get back up on my cushion and continue to note.

I feel anxious, heat, itching, vibration, sounds that annoy, desire to lay back down, my mind seems very aggitated and I don't know why. Thought I was over the worst of this dukka nana stuff. I find myself laying down again. Crap! I did it again. The warrior in me says to get back up and sit again and I resolve that no matter how uncomfortable or painful it is I am going to just sit with it.

I never liked the term "surrender" for this point. I agree with its definition but I liked to see it as "endurance". Like when I run a marathon and the pain is intense. I let it happen and accept that this is part of my sport.

I sit again...

cont...

Now I am calling out this pain, anxiety and aversion. Do your worst! I can take it! Of course it does not come now. Just crickets chirping so to speak.

I return to noting. Vibration, airflow, twitch, itch, itch, itch dissolves, pain, oh here comes the anxiety and aversion.

I let it unfold. I know I have endurance. This is my sport after all. Vipassana is a voluntary practice and I am here for exactly this sort of experience. So I open up and objectify all of these experiences. Something wonderful happens and while I was trying to find the right word to note something I just blurted out "Suffering" in my mind.

What is suffering exactly? I try to penetrate it. What makes a sensation pleasant or unpleasant? What is the difference? I try to investigate this. There is this mad whirlwind of me ripping through any sensations that arise and trying to discover any inherent pleasantness or suffering to them. It seems to be just vibrations and habitual responses to particular vibration patterns.

I feel like I am made of sand and a strong wind begins to blow me away. Starting with my hand. It just turns into thousands of specs of vibration and then it disapears.

Did I just fall back into the A&P? I let my awareness cover the whole of my skin. Thousands of specs of vibration and arising and passing away of sensations. Also, thousands of arising and passing aways of the stream of attention. I tried to lock onto something. Even the constant hum of my air conditioner seems to be discontinuous. Discontinuous! Thats right. There is something special about that I remember. I try to investigate discontinuity.
I turn my attention to my hand resting on my knee. In and out, in and out is both the sensation of touch and my attention of this phenomena...
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I feel the mind/body connection start to dissolve. I feel very expansive. Pretty sure this is 4th jhana territory now. I also have this sense that energy is rushing up through my being. Except I feel like I am tilting to the left quite a bit. I direct this energy straight up by spine and out my crown chakra. It seems to straighten me up and I feel more equanimity.

Everything is more still. I feel that strobing pulse at the eyes now. It try to pay attention to this as closely as possible. It comes and goes. I try to turn my eyes up to get it going again. Nothing. Damn. I was sure that I was close to something just a few minutes ago. I continue to let equanimity unfold. Peaceful. Silent. Slight vibrations throughout my body. Long gone is the anxiousness and aversion to sitting. I really do feel like I could sit here all night.

My memory is a bit fuzzy for the next 10-20 minutes. Very still, very calm. Strobing starts up again and stops again. I try to watch it as closely as I can. All sorts of strange things happen. I feel very disconnected to the sense of "anthony". Sometimes I forget that I am sitting there in my apartment in a human body. I start having curious thought of, "was that it? did I finally get to stream entry?"

I feel silly. I don't want to be that person who thinks he had a cessation after every strange experience in his meditation.

Eventually I decide to lay down and continue with this equanimity. I fall asleep after some time. I wake up several times during this night and feel like I am still in jhana!

I wake up this morning very groggy. I slept in as well. Don't feel any different.

I have dedicated all day today to practicing. I will try to write later or tomorrow about today's practice.

I continue on!
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Just had a 1 hour sit.

It only took around 10 min to get into an equanimous state. I followed the breath riseing and falling. I noted the occasional body sensation or outside noise. I didn't have any struggle or aversion or pain this time. Just zoom. Straight to a stable place.

Floating. Pulsing. Slighty strobing behind the eye lids from time to time. I tried not to react to anything. I just let things happen on their own and observed them.

Thoughts were rare. My head seemed to buzz with a fine and fast vibration with intermitant pulses every second or two.

After around 20-30 minutes I begain to become distracted again. I felt heat. Itching. Adgitation. Hunger. Wanting to get up. Craving for food. I guess I was riding the jhanic arc down. I observed it all. I let it happen, feeling confident that it was not a permenant shift.

I felt uneasy. Disgusted with this troublesome human condition. Craving, striving, pain, aversion. I tried to note everything as fast as I could. Switching to a noted, noted, noted strategy.

I started to feel more bodily vibration again. I stoped noting and switched to the awareness of my skin. Vibrating and pulsing. Calm and floating. I could feel energy in my head, like a baloon that was being blown up. I let the energy flow out of my third eye. Strobing began to happen as well as a nice display of dancing lights and visuals behind my eye lids.
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cont...
I really tried to not force anything this time. Just let it happen. Just chew your food. I was just open and aware.

The timer went off and I gave metta. I felt very calm afterwards. Slow like honey. My forehead has a pleasant buzz to it even now as I write this. I am very aware of my forehead. When I look at something it feels like I am looking at it through my forehead/and between the eyes instead of my actual eyes.

There has to be something to this physio-energetic thing. I feel like I went through a rough cleansing yesterday and now my energy has more room to flow today.

I kinda feel out of it though. If I had to talk to someone right now in person they may think that I am on drugs or something. I just want to sit and be quiet and observant.
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"I feel anxious, heat, itching, vibration, sounds that annoy, desire to lay back down, my mind seems very aggitated and I don't know why. Thought I was over the worst of this dukka nana stuff. I find myself laying down again. Crap! I did it again. The warrior in me says to get back up and sit again and I resolve that no matter how uncomfortable or painful it is I am going to just sit with it."

"I never liked the term "surrender" for this point. I agree with its definition but I liked to see it as "endurance". Like when I run a marathon and the pain is intense. I let it happen and accept that this is part of my sport."-Anthony

Hi Anthony,

This doesn't sound like dukkha nanas (6-10). It sounds like 3rd nana, Knowledge of 3 Characteristics.

"I feel like I am made of sand and a strong wind begins to blow me away. Starting with my hand. It just turns into thousands of specs of vibration and then it disappears."

"Did I just fall back into the A&P? I let my awareness cover the whole of my skin. Thousands of specs of vibration and arising and passing away of sensations. Also, thousands of arising and passing aways of the stream of attention. I tried to lock onto something. Even the constant hum of my air conditioner seems to be discontinuous. Discontinuous! Thats right. There is something special about that I remember. I try to investigate discontinuity..."-Anthony

Sounds like the A&P (4th nana), but you did not "fall back into it." You accessed it from the previous nana, the 3rd.

(cont)

(cont)

"I feel the mind/body connection start to dissolve. I feel very expansive. Pretty sure this is 4th jhana territory now. I also have this sense that energy is rushing up through my being. Except I feel like I am tilting to the left quite a bit. I direct this energy straight up by spine and out my crown chakra. It seems to straighten me up and I feel more equanimity."-Anthony

This is not 4th jhana territory, it is 4th nana territory (A&P).

"My memory is a bit fuzzy for the next 10-20 minutes. Very still, very calm. Strobing starts up again and stops again. I try to watch it as closely as I can. All sorts of strange things happen. I feel very disconnected to the sense of "anthony". Sometimes I forget that I am sitting there in my apartment in a human body. I start having curious thought of, "was that it? did I finally get to stream entry?"

"I feel silly. I don't want to be that person who thinks he had a cessation after every strange experience in his meditation."-Anthony

There is nothing here to suggest stream entry. This sounds like A&P.

Anthony, you are doing beautifully. I don't know if this is your first A&P; a pre-stream entry yogi will often go through multiple A&P events before getting Path. But we know that the A&P is arguably the most significant event in a yogi's life because it opens the door to everything that follows. Remember, the A&P can be spectacular, while stream entry is an anti-climax. The fact that you are able to get up enough steam in daily life to get such a clear A&P event means you will be able to get up enough steam to get Path. Also, a yogi who has had the A&P event in the past but does not yet have Path can have serious dark night symptoms in daily life for years and then still go through a big A&P like the one you just described when meditating intensively.

Thanks for clearing that up Kenneth.

Ya, that wasn't the first time that I experienced an A&P like that. The other time was when I was on my last retreat back in Dec.
Does this mean I have to go through another dark night? lol

Its always funny to me that I always think I am farther along than I really am.

I am so glad to have help though!

now back to work...
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"Its always funny to me that I always think I am farther along than I really am."-Anthony

Everybody does that! It's part of the game. But you are continuing to make great progress, so keep doing what you are doing.

Mudita,

Kenneth

Sorry about the ton of posts today. Doing an at home retreat this weekend.

After a 1 hour walking meditation I returned home to sit for 1 hour.

I immediatly began by saying, "see how it sits, see how it hears noise, see how it feels warmth, pleasantness, see how it sits, see how it feels an itch, see how it remembers, see how it feels pulse, ect..."
I did this for many minutes feeling solid sensations. I began to pick up the noting speed and just say "noted" as fast as I could. My body, noises, pleasant, unpleasant,
thoughts- I would just say "noted" as many as I could notice.

I slowed down again after 5-10 minutes. I just stayed with the rising and falling of the breath for awhile. I felt a lot of vibration and floating.

I noticed some sharp tension in my back and butt from sitting so much today. I just let it happen. Wanted to give the surrender thing a better shot.

My relationship to all my sensations begain to shift. I just let myself experience everything without any expectations or likes/dislikes. I felt calm and accepting. I was hyper aware of all of the tiny sensations and pains and itches and vibrations all happening. I felt like a snow globe.