Anthony's Adventure Log

So that was fun. Can't wait to see where I get to tomorrow.
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I think I am starting to understand where I am on the maps better.

Just had a good one hour sit.

In the begining I felt a lot of gross sensations. Pains, itches, cravings, aches, tension. I thouroughly investigated these sensations. I focuses on them. Watched them closley to see what they would do. I wasn't noting super fast but I was trying to max out my mind's processing power.

After maybe 25min of noting these gross sensations (3rd nana by my guessing) I started to open up to more vibrations instead of gross sensations. The aches began to disolve into ticklish sensation. My whole body felt lighter and wispy. When I turned my attention to any sensation now, it didn't take long for it to dissolve into vibrations. (4th nana I think)

I started to feel calm and present. Sensations continued to come and go but none of them where so unpleasant as in the 3rd nana. I think I have made the mistake before by thinking this is equanimity (most likley 5th nana instead)- mostly because I thought the 3rd nana was the dukka nanas. Much thanks to Kenneth for pointing the way on that one a few posts back!

So I continued to note, hoping to catcha dukka nana in action. I really want to know these stages and be familiar with them.

Continuing: I felt light and vibratory. Calm and observant. I did begin to feel uncomfortable though. I had a sense of unpleasentness that I could not put my finger on.
Maybe this was Knowlege of Misery?

I remembered having moments of craving during the 3rd nana (havent had lunch yet and will eat after this sit) but I didn't feel like eating anymore. Wasn't excited about it. Wasn't excited about anything really. I felt a bit of aversion to sitting any longer but honestly I wasn't sure I felt like doing anything else in that moment either.
(cont.)

The timer went off and I got up. Have a bit of a headache now.

So I think I may have ended at knowlege of misery or disgust. Or maybe I was still at the 5th nana?

I am trying to be less speculative about where I am on the paths. Maybe I have never been to the 11th nana afterall...

In that case I am actually excited about traveling through the dukka nanas! Getting this done is all I have ever wanted and it seems like that is happening- which gives me joy!
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Ok, so last week was a wild storm of too much to do and little time for practice. The good news is friday was my last day at work and I am currently on the road to Colorado to do a two week solitary retreat in the mountains.

I won't get there untill tomorrow. So stay tuned for some good practice notes in the days to come.
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Awesome. Looking forward to the reports and wishing you the best of luck with your retreat!

Ok. After 4 days of cabin retreat I have a lot to report. I had a very monuental experience yesterday and I am hoping that I can get some input on that. So I will just lay out my experiences as they happened and save my constant speculation till the end. lol

Note: a week ago I had another A&P event (well maybe it was the first) and I could notice myself entering into difficult territory- thus this retreat.

Day 1: Arrived at the cabin. Very beautiful and quite. They cabin is perfect for solitary practice. I spent the day setteling in and doing concentration practice.

Day 2: Time to practice fast and furious. Noting everything in my field of experience 24/7. On many of my sits I noted the rise and fall of abdomen, gross sensations, iching, tingling, ect... I then began to feel lighter and floating with pressure in my head and a subtle vibration all over. After a few minutes the vision behind my eyes would darken and I would feel out of focus. I felt calm in this stage. I believe I cycled back and forth this way most of the days practice.

That night I layed down to practice and eventually I started to feel anxious. All the noises in the cabin were making my jump. I felt afraid to keep my eyes closed. I had this ominous feeling that someone was going to grab me through the window or come bursting through the door. I couldn't sleep with the window open that night.

cont...
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Day 3: Concentration began to improve. I am noting constantly now and staying with it without the mind wondering much. As I sit I feel a bit spacious and I can feel my whole body at once. I then feel like I am shifting between noticing my whole body and then just the mind and back and forth. I start to feel a bit uneasy and still jumpy and a bit unpleasant over being here. I pretty much cycle through this all day.
Day 4: I awake and immediately get to practice with the intent on letting each and every part of what ever nana that I am in do its worst and be done. I note the rise and fall, itching, sounds, anxiety, pulsing, rising energy, floating, tingling, difficulty staying with the breath, full body sensations, jumpyness, mind starts to wander, I start to remember my life and how most of it is unsatisfactory, I feel sad. I can't really pinpoint it but I feel disconnected. My life seems like a pointless mess and I feel stupid for going on retreat. I want to cry. I understand that this is part of the practice to go through this but I feel a bit helpless.

cont...
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I get up and pace the cabin. I can't sit still. I just want this to do its thing and be done. I try to meditate several more times but can't seem to get past about 20 min of it.
Finally I can't stand it anymore and I just try to surrender to it. Just let it happen. There isn't anything I can do about it anyways. I try to be equanimous. Not sure what to do except let it be. It is still uncomfortable but I try not to react so much. I start to ease a bit. Then I fall right back into it.
I decide to go for a long walking meditation. Right, left, ect.. But my mind wanders and tries to solve this puzzle. I know that I am feeling uneasy right now but I always am about something. My whole life I have been running from something or trying to catch something. It seems so wrong and distastfull. My face is tight. I walk for many minutes. I feel desperate. I really want to see through this thing. This mind body connection that always keeps me caught in its web.
I feel a strong determination to see through it. I focus with all my attention on my steps. Right, left, right , left, my mind then begins to wander to someone I miss back home. Then something happened'¦
I remember saying 'That's why I suffer. I saw something in the relation to myself and my craving, and desire' As soon as I saw it I felt this strong revelation welling up but before I could wrap my mind around it'¦ Pop! Something disappeared within me. The very next moment I realized I was still walking and I felt like I was three feet taller and all of a sudden my vision sliced in half diagonally. Like when a ninja cuts something in half.

The ninja reference has hooked me...waiting to see what happened!

Of course I asked myself was that it? What just happened. I tried to do it again. And '˜Jump' it popped again and I felt disoriented in my walking. Thoughts began to race and my head was spouting with energy. I tried to calm myself down. I really really really don't want to jump the gun here but I felt completely different. I couln't help but smile realy big and my heart was sweeling with joy. I didn't feel and ounce of any of the previous suffering and anguish.
I went back to the cabin to try to meditate but I was way too excited to do anything. I just felt like so much energy surging throughout. I decided to just be with it for the rest of the day and see how I feel in the morning.
Day 5: I awake and I feel wonderfull. I sit for 45 min. Immediatley I shift into the rising energy and head pressure zone. Meditation feels easy. I am not feeling any gross sensations and I feel calm and powerful. I do feel a good bit of excitement and curiousity though. I really want to know what this was so I can continue in the proper manner. So here I am now down the mountain in a coffe shop writing this.

I really feel that something has changed. I do feel done with all that suffering that I was going through. I feel excited about living my life and being a part of it.
Maybe I just shifted into equanimity in that energetic moment or maybe it was just a dark night trickster. I don't know. I belive it was a fruition. I really would put my money on it based on how I feel afterwards. i don't want to steer myself in the wrong direction though.

Any thoughts?

Thank you so very much!
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Hey anthony,

I can identify with the slashing, here's what I wrote (post 121 of my journal)

"Last night while driving home around 1:00AM, I was pretty concentrated and was excited to meditate. I was also listening to "Be Here Now" by George Harrison. Anyhow, I started to feel a lot of pressure in my chest and head as well as tingling. Just before I got home, I noticed something strange had happened. It was like someone had cut through my consciousness on an angle with a sword (it had a diagonal slashing quality). It was a sudden blip, hard to describe followed by bliss and then some pressure and such around the body."

Recent stuff:

I went back to the cabin to chill out. I layed down with the intent to just let it be. Soon after closing my eyes I seemed to go into jhana anyways. I noticed a strong pulse or strobe at my face-mostly right between the eyebrows. I felt very relaxed and calm. It was very blissfull to watch this pulsing. I felt like I could have stayed in this state for days.

After I got up my excited energy came back. I decided that the cabin was too enclosed for my projective energies so I packed up. I am on the way now to taos, NM for some nature walking and camping. I just don't feel like sitting anymore. I just want to let this play out and experience me some life!

On the way out of town I stopped at a store. A lady said something that made me annoyed. I watched this rise up and fall away. This may sound scripted and cheesy but I totally felt this annoyance, but it wasn't mine. It was happening but didn't seem like it was happening to me.

The last hour in the car was a wild ride of laughing, singing and crying with joy. Man I really wish I knew for sure where I am at. It seems like I may need a heads up on what will happen next. At the moment I don't really care though. I am ready for anything.

Back to the road!
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Anthony, just see what you can do. Try the Jhanas and usual sitting practice and see if there are any noticeable changes. If it was stream entry you should enter into a review period which is sort of a break where you can clarify your knowledge of the path you just completed. Just try and be very clear and scientific and note what you are experiencing.

Enjoy it and don't worry too much about what it was, just proceed as per usual.

Keep an eye on how you feel off the cushion as well...

Lately meditation has been nice. The urge to constantly progress has left me. In its place is a gentle happiness about my life just how it is. When I close my eyes to sit I instantly start to leave my body and become absorbed into the darkness behind my eyes. If I sit with this for any length of time I feel very calmed and rejuvenated.

I jumped onboard an impromptu trip to the beach for a few days so I will write more when I get back.

I thank you all so much for the guidance and help along the path.

-Anthony

Awesome!

Have fun man.