Serena's Practice Journal 1

Hi,
I'm going to brave it and put my practice journal up for those of you who may be interested. Go to my profile for background info about me if you'd like, and do introduce yourself. There might be a lag in practice journal days...until I get up to speed with reading my own handwriting . Feedback most welcome.
Here's Friday's journal (July 2nd).

I began by objectifying sensations as usual - nothing out of the ordinary, except I sat down and seemed to 'click' into witness on sitting. Witness came and went through the first gear meditation. When I got to 'bystander' I was immediately there. I carried on observing the whole gammut of first gear, wandered off into thought a couple of times and as soon as I realised, witness was there. I then experienced a 'smiling calmness' and usual sensations of tension, discomfort etc. remained but were backgrounded, particularly in the lower part of the body.
I get to 'Who is this I'. There is a pervasion of light, awareness feels to be coming from a central point (like a third eye), I feel a sense of headlessness and of breathing 'a different air'. meanwhile, there's lots of questioning going on in the mind, coupled with some fear of this presence, and attachment in case it goes away. I try to objectify all this, then stop to write it down before I forget. The presence is very much foreground, the mind stuff very much background. Presence is powerful, visceral, all pervading.

hey awesome report.

Sorry for any confusion. I've just figured out how this threads thing works...now posting all my practices on this thread...
Being as I'm from the UK I put days first, dates second...

Morning mediation 4/7/10
First Gear:
I am fuzzy on sitting today. Slight symptoms of chronic fatigue (I have suffered with this for around 2 and a half years now) after a late night. I experience this as tiredness, heaviness and tension inside neck.
Mind keeps wandering. I stay with '˜unpleasant' quite a bit to try and close-up on exactly where '˜unpleasant' is '“ right into the minutiae of it. I pin point and dissect from '˜neutral' areas. Mind states '“ I'm, objectifying frustration, self-recrimination (sit with this one for a while). Thoughts of planning, rehearsing etc. I find myself stretching to relieve back and neck and hear lots of loud cracks and clicks along the spine.
Bystander:
In bystander witness observes self-recrimination, fear,, then an overwhelming compassion that completely takes over. This feels to pour from the heart. I say '˜see how it feels compassion'. There is observation of this for a time then a move back to underlying sensations of tension, numbness and tingling though these are very much backgrounder by compassion.
Who is this I?:
There is an experience of dissolution of bystander as though honey pours on and just dissolves it away. Bystander returns and observes, dropping in and out. The sense of presence accompanying '˜no I' is less strong than I experienced yesterday.

Morning Meditation 5/7/10
I noted wandering mind, observed ego feeling very pleased with itself. Go back to nitty gritty of first gear meditating (this is just like piano practice!). I am aware of a tickling sensation on my inner ear so observe this. Observe feeling of fear, and frustration and then a turn to calm. Its about 25 minutes in and I'm aware I'm fidgeting '“ tension in neck and shoulders is causing great discomfort and I am seeking to relive this through stretching.
Bystander:
I observe tension and pressure in the shoulders, neck and stomach. Bystander isn't clearly present until after a few minutes, then observes fidgeting and sleepiness.
Who is This I?
There is an experience of dissolution of bystander, but quite fuzzy today '“ like bad reception. Tension and discomfort remain very close, fidgeting and mind wandering too.

6/710
Sitting Meditation
Started out feeling clear, and obedient to the sitting process, soon resistance and aversion become apparent '“ I objectify these. I close-up on feelings of tension in the stomach and neck areas. I observe resistance and frustration that becomes overtaken by calmness and with the calmness '˜presence'. There is concurrently frustration and calm presence, though the calm presence is fore grounded.
Bystander:
Get into bystander and began objectifying, but within seconds eyes rolled back and non-dual awareness kicks in. There is attachment to bystander (or lack of it) but then a letting go. Didn't feel to go to first gear in nondual awareness '“ this felt unnecessary though I'm not sure what the procedure is at this juncture. Anyone? Remained in non-dual state, which dissipated shortly after the arrival of garbage truck outside. There isn't the sense of energetic presence with nondual today as I have experience on previous occasions.

7/7/10
1st gear.
I observe flickering of eyes inside head whilst objectifying sensations. Observe discomfort in neck and shoulders due to chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) that is currently exacerbated by a late night last night. On closer observation it feels like '˜over crystallization'. The temptation to relieve the discomfort through stretching the neck is strong.
Mind states observed '“ frustration, ennui, discomfort, and impatience.
Before moving on to bystander I come out of meditation to stretch my neck, which gives some short-term relief although tension remains.
Bystander:
See how it feels'¦I observe the tension in the neck for a while, and then scan the rest of the body. After a time I stretch again to try and relieve discomfort, although concurrently I note '˜see how it attaches to improvement.'

Who is This I?
I find I am using focused intent to try and find the place of non-dual awareness; there's a sense of forcing it. I observe attachment to this state and wonder what Kenneth would advise. I then realise its best to objectify '˜observing focused intent'. There are short bursts of '˜stepping outside' in the objectifying of pain and discomfort, then sinking back into it again. There are feelings of disappointment and attachment and a physical feeling of being '˜locked up'.

Morning Meditation 8.7.10
I am continuing to spend around 5 minutes on each element of 1st gear. It usually takes me a couple of minutes to settle in. This morning whilst observing sensations I had another itch in my inner ear. I observed this. I have continuing discomfort in my neck and shoulders and tension the stomach. These are regular sensations in my first gear practice. Quite often when I become aware of the stomach tension it starts to dissipate. I have awareness of subtle sensations around the body from the start and these then dissipated.
After 20 minutes I observe feeling fidgety (quite normal for me around this time) and as I write this I find myself dipping in and out of '˜pure awareness'.
Bystander.
I am moving in and out of witness today. There are moments of '˜presence' and the feeling '˜electric'. I observe the usual sensations and mind states '“ tiredness quite strong. I am quite fidgety again at around 30 mins.
Who is This I?
I experience the odd moment of getting beyond '˜I' and then I'm back in again. Discomfort and tension in the body remains very '˜close', not in the least bit backgrounded.

Date : 09/07/10
Having watched the video with Kenneth and Nick on the jhanic arc last night and recognising of some of the jhanas (I have experienced some of them but in a muddled way) I sat this morning and began in 1st gear as usual but very quickly the feelings shifted form gross sensations around the circumference of the body to subtler sensations and then a feeling of spaciousness and a sense of a trajectory.
This felt like a huge relief after years of fumbling about in the dark. However, I am not familiar with jhanas and felt as though I came to a '˜crossroads in consciousness' and being unsure of the route, remained at a certain level. This was a sense of nondual awareness, spaciousness, not so body centred and presence had moved away form the edges of the body. I will watch the video again and see if this helps direct me onwards. I am now 15 minutes into mediation.
With the understanding I have now I have the sense I have been stuck in witness on and off for years '“ not just in meditation practice, but in life generally, and I think this is due to a harrowing life experience that '˜jolted' me there. So to be moving beyond witness feels like a release at this juncture, although I will just state for the record '“ I have no aversion to witness ☺ .

10/7/10
Morning Meditation
It's 15 minutes in since I started meditating '“ I started in 1st gear. I noted sensations all over body '“ tingly. I find I'm straight into bystander. I am still noting sensations '“more subtle over body now - then eyes flicker and roll and I find myself in non-dual awareness. I feel anxious during non-dual (this is an undercurrent, not foreground) about not having spent enough time in 1st gear, then non-dual dissipates and witness is back in the seat. I get back to noting '“ feeling quite amused at self for having anxiety and stop to write this down.
I am in pure awareness as I write '“ I can see the end of my nose. Back to business.
So I go back to first gear '“ start noting sensations and then feeling tone, when suddenly I'm back in non-dual again '“ I experience a pervasion of presence, which is not entirely immersive. Picture and English trifle if you will, there's a nice gold custard on top but the bottom is spongey; so light and presence pervades to the waist and gross sensations in body continue from the waist down.
Then it all gets a bit confused as anxiety kicks in with the thought '“ what next? So I cone out of meditation to write this down with the question, what do I do when non-dual suddenly kicks in? Do I continue noting sensations?
Somehow, after sitting, this all feels very amusing and I laugh out loud for a good couple of minutes ☺ .
Later in the morning I go for a walk around the park with a friend and everything gets very 'filmic'. Just as though I'm in a movie - it's all light, nothing dense anymore. I have experienced this state before in altered states and after a ten day vipassana retreat.

Very interesting, Serena! Sounds like you might want to talk with Kenneth about how to handle the involuntary fluctuation between the gears. I'm not sure if he'd want you to stick with 1st Gear for a longer amount of time, or go with what's happening as you've described above.
Thanks for the report!

Appreciate the feedback, thanks! I'll be checking in with Kenneth soon, so hopefully I'll have a better idea of what to do.

All the best

Sunday
11/7/10 40 mins
Awoke feeling quite clear and light, not as groggy as usual (I have observed this gradual shift since starting meditation practise again).
I start in 1st gear observing sensations, then sense presence pervading top half of the body accompanied by subtle sensations. I am still noting, then shift quickly to nondual, though experiencing sleepiness in this state '“ witness is back in the chair, although witness is vey '˜light' - barely there. I stat doing all the first gear stuff now that witness is back, however presence still remains, not so strong n the bottom half of the body. Witness observes a lot of tension in the gut area, still some in the neck, not so much as usual in the shoulders '“ presence seems to be back grounding them though, so the degree of '˜unpleasant' is far less. I get fidgety around now (about 20 mins in) and indulge it to write this down. Back to business.
I close my eyes and witness is there, so observes all first gear states '“ there are moments of observing light in the head area. The presence has dissipated, and fuzziness ensues (experienced as gross tingly sensations, as though the radio has detuned). There is a continuing gripping sensation in the gut area. I close-up on this: there are odd moments of release but gripping comes straight back. There is fidgeting and aversion towards the end of the meditation session '“ the left leg is completely numb as it usually is by this time.
I seem more and more to be in a state of pure awareness as I go about my day. This comes in and out as though it's already there, but I just slip into the zone and out again. I used to get very much '˜locked' into witness during my day and now I guess because I'm aware of it, this isn't happening so much.

13/07/10
Morning meditation '“ 25 minutes
I started in first gear and within about 30 seconds sensations became subtle and eyes rolled back, then there is the feeling of presence, which today feels to be more inclusive of the whole body, not just the top half. I sat in this state for there was no '˜I' to do any noting although there seemed to be an automatic bringing back of the mind when it drifted into thought. I felt quite dreamy, sleepy, unfocused mentally, despite being in this state.
After a break to write this down I went back to first gear, determined to get beyond noting the sensations to the feeling tone, however, presence hasn't really dissipated and its there again within 30 seconds '“ not sure that awareness is though '“ I try continuing noting, but the mind is wandering and feeling dreamy, so I float in and out of awareness but presence remains. I feel a tickling sensation around the crown chakra. I check by putting my hand on my head to make sure I'm not having a bad hair day, but realise it isn't bouffant hair, but sensation above the crown ☺.
I have to end meditation early as my son has lost his school trousers! But whilst hunting them down I am feeling a strong sense of gratitude to be on my path.

"I am feeling a strong sense of gratitude to be on my path.
"

This is a great feeling. Eventhough the path has been bumpy I still feel much gratitude to be on the ride.

Hi Serena,

Have you tried noting the "presence"? When you say you float in and out of awareness would you agree that you might be allowing the mind to embed in those mind states instead of disembedding? It seems like that from what you wrote but I may be wrong.

Have you tried just noting all that stuff that distracts you from noting? Like "wandering", "presence", "tickling sensation on the crown", "intention to scratch crown". Also, why don't you try noting the sensations coupled with their feeling tone. I note like this: "vibrations, pleasant", "dull pain, unpleasant", "vibrations, neutral", "shivers (up spine), pleasant X". Kenneth taught me this. Add an X to a note if it seems more intense than usual. Sounds like you have a great practice going!

Thanks Nick,
That's great advice. I had a session with Kenneth a couple of days ago and the noting you mention is coming into play a bit more, really helpful.
I'm interested to continue reading your posts...it really is fascinating and helps my practice too.
Keep on keeping on

13.7.10
After a mediation with Kenneth yesterday evening in which we explored A&P, I began this morning by paying attention to sensations around the nose and mouth '“ then observed sensations in the body as they became more subtle.
I found a pulse in the body and meditated on this for a time. I found it hard to keep track of the subtlety of the pulse, I tried saying pulse'¦pulse..Pulse, along with it and my body began to move with the pulse. I had my eyes locked in and then I shifted them up and observed a flickering sensation. I watch this for a time and the pulsing petered out and the rocking stopped.
The flickering was strobing and then the flickering became a blinking of the eyes when they were shut. I had awareness of noises outside, but am in my meditation '˜bubble'.
I take three brief breaks to open my eyes and sip tea. I'm not sure how advisable this is, as whilst I was also checking the time, I was indulging in the mind state of restlessness.
I then tried to reconnect with a pulse, but this was patchy and my eyes became locked in again when I did this.

As I go about my day, I experience a new sense of depth, as if I am coming FROM a place of the spiritual to the personality rather than TO the spiritual from the personality. I use the term spiritual very loosely as I'm not sure what other vocabulary to use. Good ol' semantics!

Morning Meditation 14/7/10
I sat and immediately had the sensation through and around the body of being '˜charged' (kind of electric) and clear. I focus in on the nose and mouth area and it takes quite a few minutes to settle into this concentration, plus there's a lot of mind wandering. My eyes seem to be floating in my head.
Gradually concentration gets stronger and I identify a pulse. I say pulse..pulse..pulse.. Then realise I am following an echo '“ the pulse has gone. I identify another pulse and my body then begins gently rocking with it '“in fact the rocking becomes the pulse. And feels very diffuse. I then move my eyes up into my head and eye fluttering begins '“ very irregular to start with. I observe strobing and the pulse dies out. But not wishing to lose concentration in the eye area, I let it go. Sensations in the body have shifted to a more fuzzy, cotton wool kind of feeling and later, although numbness in my leg is apparent, the body seems to be '˜asleep'.
I watch the fluttering that soon changes to blinking. The blinking begins to rhythmatise into regularly alternating narrow and wide focus. I stay with this for around 10-15 minutes. I begin intermittently glancing at my watch at around half an hour into mediation and as I see I still have fifteen minutes on the clock, aversion kicks in. Body sensations become more apparent as though the body is '˜waking up' and my dead leg begins to feel really uncomfortable. I indulge in stopping mediation 5minutes earlier than planned. I then promise myself I will use an alarm clock next time, rather than a watch, so I'm not clock watching next time.

" I say pulse..pulse..pulse.. Then realise I am following an echo '“ the pulse has gone. "

This is great--precision! I've been working on this as well, as with the rise and fall of the abdomen. It's easy to allow the labeling to turn into an automatic mantra, rather than a precise disembedding from what is going on. Say, Serena, if you're an iPod/iPhone person you might consider downloading the meditation timers they have on the Web site for the Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, Calif. These are MP3s with 15-, 30-, 45- and 60-minute intervals. I've started using these timers instead of checking my watch. It does seem to be a way to remove at least one potential distraction--I know that the timer will ring when the session is over. I'm no longer peeking up at the clock. I've been thinking about the analogy of trying to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. If you stop, the sticks cool and you have to start all over again. I think there's probably something to just resolving to sit through an entire 45-minute session or what have you without taking any breaks and without ceasing the noting practice itself. Alternately, of course, you could do the Witness practice for 45 minutes or what have you. Anyway, thanks for the updates!

Thanks jgroove!
I'll try out the meditation timers - great idea! You're right about the sticks rubbing together analogy...keeping the momentum seems pretty critical to the process. Guess I'll have to stop the tea drinking during meditation too

"I'll have to stop the tea drinking during meditation too "

Not if you note everything going on while you're sipping that tea. I am sure Vince Horn of Buddhist geeks would agree, that perhaps one could get enlightened by becoming a tea master and noting it all. That would be awesome! When did you get arahatship? While noting "sipping".

Ah yes, tea ceremony! You're absolutely right. I had forgotten I used to do this myself when I was travelling some years ago. Time to put the 'T' in aharaTship methinks

Meditation 15/7/10 (using meditation timer '“ thanks again jgroove!)

It took some time to achieve any kind of concentration this morning '“ mind kept wandering off, so I objectified the thoughts as they came and went. I focused in on observing nose and mouth area and wanted to use bio feedback to objectify the sensations, but every time I opened my mouth it seemed to disturb the focus. So I tried to feedback to myself silently. This is never as effective for me as doing it out loud. I also had difficulty in keeping my eyes locked '“ I seem to have to force this at the moment, or else they started floating about. I found a pulse but this soon dissipated. I tried several more times in other areas of the body but each time I thought I'd found a pulse it just seized up and'¦.pulse no more. So, with continuing feelings of frustration and failure, which I objectified as best I could, I let go of the pulse stage and moved my eyes up inside my head whereupon eye fluttering was instantaneous. This became a regular rhythm very quickly, then it dissipated and then came back again a few times. My body didn't seem to go to sleep today as it did yesterday and the various body tensions became quite distracting later on in the meditation. I objectified these and also indulged in stretching to relieve tension probably a bit too much. I have had an interesting couple of weeks since I started meditation practice again and now I notice I'm far more in the '˜nitty gritty' of events and it feels less '˜exciting'. On becoming aware of this during meditation I resolved to stay with the processes through thick and thin '“ I'm in this for the long haul.

Morning meditation 16/7/10 30 mins
I sit and begin observing sensations around the nose and mouth area. My focus is initially clear. I observe the all over body sensations as quite subtle, later these become grosser and eventually the body seems to be cocooned in a state of sleep. I look for a pulse, find one '“ say aloud '“pulse, pulse, pulse - pulse stops. I search for another but there doesn't appear to be one despite my searching. What I then observe is the scanning appears to be coming at one point from a '˜search light' in my head, like a lighthouse beam, looking down and spotting ships (sensations) in the night. My eyes are still facing forward but the space in front of them becomes a little more diffuse and there is a golden light in the diffuse space. I have until now been keeping the eyes facing forward, gently, by way of attention (otherwise they would go off immediately in to blinking from the get go), now I let them go and straightaway fast blinking ensues. There is no fluttering today '“ straight o blinking. I follow the blinking as closely as I can, tracking it, as far as I can despite the high speed '“ it's too fast for me to say '˜blink, blink, blink''¦so I just stay '˜blinking', '˜still blinking'. CONTD....

Morning meditation 16/7/10 CONTD...

The rhythms of the blinking change '“ sometimes it slows down considerably, sometimes goes very fast and sometimes medium fast. Sometimes it stops altogether. Mind wanders a little, I bring it back to observe, blinking again. At one point I feel I am '˜above' the blinking watching, then behind the blinking watching, then just trying to stay abreast of the blinking. There seems little point in observing body sensations, as body feels to be asleep, but I do quickly scan to say, aloud numbness, nausea, tension.
I had a sense today that there is some pathway through the blinking, that it is somehow a gateway to another state. During one of the times that the blinking stopped I felt as though I had come to a more open place, a glade in a forest of blinking if you will ☺. That didn't stay long though.