Serena's Practice Journal 1

23rd July
Morning Meditation '“ 30 minutes
I have been away for the last few days although still maintaining my practice . There is not much to report at present '“ I am continuing to follow Kenneth's teaching and to practise observing pulses in the body and eye blinking movement.
So this morning I sat and settled. Mind is wandering a little today. I looked for pulse, again, any I found (and they are few and far between it seems) dissipated soon after I put my attention on them, so I wasn't able to stay with one for long.
After probably 15 minutes or so of scanning for pulses I went on to moving my eyes up inside my head and observing the blinking process. I now have a number of categories for this as follows: fast-blink, squeeze-blink (eyes squeeze together more than blink, but in quick succession), gross-flutter (eyelids move) subtle-flutter (eyelids don't move and yet there is still fluttering) and flutter-stop (a short succession of flutters followed by stillness). The patterns of these various events seem to be: '“ fast-blink, stop, squeeze-blink, subtle-flutter, stop. Flutter-stop sometimes goes round in a loop for a time and then fast blinking resumes. There can be several seconds of no-thing happening between these events. As the blinking patterns play out there is increasing lightness behind the eyes visible during the still moments between eye movement.
I am reminded of one of Shiva's 112 ways - "Eyes closed, see your inner being in detail. Thus SEE your nature."

24th July
Morning meditation - 40 minutes

I awoke with a headache this morning; I had it last night too. I have never been so pleased to have a headache ☺, as I figured this might be fertile ground for finding the pulses I have been struggling to locate during meditation. I spent the majority of meditation time locating pulses. There were a number around the area of the headache, not surprisingly, some of which dissipated soon after I put my attention on them, others of which hung around longer, and my body began to rock along with the pulses at times. Whether the stronger pulses dissipated or whether my attention waned, I am not sure, and this requires further investigation.
I moved onto the blinking and found this to be largely centred around the left eye initially. There appeared to be some movement in the right eye, but very much back grounded by left eye movement. Things balanced out a little over time. Interestingly, today, the eyes appear to be making a squeezing motion more than a blinking one '“ right from the outset in fact, and patterns altered today, although I am now a little hazy as to how. They weren't vastly different, but I will continue investigating this next time and see how things progress.
Interestingly, and I forgot to mention this, some days ago I was sitting in bed reading when I had a flash of '˜full body focus'' (for want of a better descriptive). Although I was reading the book and my eyes were scanning the words, I was suddenly equally aware and had in clear focus the hand and arm that held the book and somehow the whole room was in focus concurrently. I can't explain it better than this, but if anyone has any insights, or shared experiences that sound similar I would love to hear about them.

25th July
Review
I thought I'd sum up my experiences since discovering Kenneth's teachings and this forum and settling back into meditation practice.
So a bit of context. Previous to discovering the site I practised Vipassana meditation for two or three years in the 90's (Goenka). I also read the Castaneda books and drew as much from them as I could, plus a number of books on Zen (Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, Zen Keys etc,). I experimented with '˜intent to gain realisations' in altered states (whilst reading Baba Ram Dass), and ploughed my way through Osho's various books. During this time I pretty much cut myself off from community and lived in a desolate part of Portugal, with a five mile run to the nearest village (I worked in the restaurant there) and a well for water. I was spiritually seeking to the nth degree, but appeared to be going round in circles and stuck in '˜detachment'.
CONTD.....

........
After several years of travel and a slow re-entry into civilisation (I had my son, now 10, and moved back to the UK) I joined the Kadampa Buddhist movement and went on a number of their retreats, including some of the Tantric meditation retreats (not to be confused with Tantric sex). But I struggled with the religious aspect, the idea of ordination, which created an '˜us and them' factor and so many gods and goddesses '“ argggh! I just couldn't resolve it within myself, so dropped the practice. I also became very ill around this time, with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), so much so I could barely move for a time. I had to give up a doctorate in composition (sound art) and reframe my life.
So, to cut a long story short, after two and half years of pretty intense suffering and in spiritual disillusionment, a friend told me about this site. Since beginning practise again with renewed vigour, my health has dramatically improved. This is I guess, a side effect of the meditation practise, and now means I have more energy to meditate - hurrah!
I feel generally more settled within myself '“ those subtle internal anxieties, resistances and frictions that had become constant undercurrents, are dissipating and I can now enjoy life much more. I feel I can now '˜settle into' a practice that clearly has direction and I feel secure in Kenneth's teaching, so can trust and let go into it. And I don't need to be an '˜'“ist' anymore!
I had quite high experiences when I first got back into practising a few weeks ago. This has settled, and there is a gradual sense of being more at one and at peace as I practise A&P. I'm sure things will go up and down with my practise, as is the way.
So all this is really just to say this is where I'm at so far and thank you Kenneth and to you all for your continuing support (reading your threads is invaluable '“ don't under estimate the power of sharing your paths) and for helping me find my feet here thus far ☺ .

Hi Serena,

Thanks for sharing your dharma story. Very helpful in getting some ground under our feet as we work together. Looking forward to talking with you again tomorrow.

Kenneth

Hey great to hear your story... no need for any -ist around here... maybe some enlightenment-ist but thats about it... : )
You seem to have a very mature view, understanding the inevitable ups and downs... nothing we can do to stop that... just keep practicing... Metta

28th July.
The last couple of mornings I have been getting to grips with the jhanic arc up to equanimity. I had a mediation/teaching session with Kenneth on Monday evening and spent The best part of Tuesday in a very deeply relaxed, equanamous state, where thoughts and actions were very much background to what I can only describe as presence and awareness and sense of 'oneness' . The 'beingness' was foreground, the 'doingness' just kind of went on happening, but wasn't a chore, just a flow of events. My personality felt paper thin, as though I was reaching in to operate it where necessary, rather like a puppet, just doing and saying what felt right, but with a much larger sense of being than just 'personality'. My ego was at the tip of a very big iceberg. (I suspect words are going to fail me in this journal many times, and here they are simply inadequate). But life carried on, smoothly, unhurried.
Not so yesterday, when this depth of beingness had relapsed, and I felt very annoyed with myself for being in a bit of a 'holier than thou' state, which is a most unpleasant aspect. It was very subtle; I noticed it in the way I silently judged others and decided it was best just to observe this behaviour: 'judging thought'. I think this may be what is termed 'spiritual materialism' when the ego attaches to a spiritual experience and wishes to 'own it'. I'm not proud of this and I guess I'll grow out of it .
Anyway, onwards and cyclical.
Today's meditation allowed me a little more insight into the nanas and jhanas up to equanimity...I am beginning to understand the shift and patterns and want to become more fully acquainted with each state of mind.

"Not so yesterday, when this depth of beingness had relapsed, and I felt very annoyed with myself for being in a bit of a 'holier than thou' state, which is a most unpleasant aspect. It was very subtle; I noticed it in the way I silently judged others and decided it was best just to observe this behaviour: 'judging thought'. I think this may be what is termed 'spiritual materialism' when the ego attaches to a spiritual experience and wishes to 'own it'. I'm not proud of this and I guess I'll grow out of it .
"

I do that ALL the time.
I think the only remedy is to learn to always be disembedding from whatever is happening -- heaven or hell.
At first it can feel like disembedding from heaven means you will lose it but what it actually means is that something even better is on its way.

Thanks Mike...phew...don't feel quite such a donut now

I'll just keep observing....

29th July
Okay, so today I decided to follow the meditation on youtube with Kenneth and Nick to see how far I could get on the jhanic arc. I found I could get all the way. Most of the states I recognised from previous experiences, although I have never beofre been cognizant of their names, or how to go through the jhanas stepwise, so this was revelatory. Listening to Kenneth and Nick's descriptions however, it's clear I need to work on recognising each step more clearly through meditation practise so I have deeper insight into each jhana. Interestingly, my access to pure land jhanas seemed clear '“ sometimes clearer than the other 4. There was no mention of the dukkha nanas through 6 - 10 and when I got to the pureland jhanas I began to experience some nausea (it wasn't a problem, although I was aware of it) and I wonder now if it was because I had bypassed the nanas fear, disgust, misery etc '“ I certainly wasn't consciously passing through them in any rate). Can anyone enlighten me on this? Do the dukkha nanas stop arising when you get to a certain level?
I felt very re-energised after the meditation..as though I had been given a whole new lease of life. In fact I skipped down the road to a friend's house, with the mantra 'freedom in heaven, freedom in hell' going on in my head (we had some pretty uninteresting organisation to do for our kids' birthday parties, not exactly hellish though).

30th July.
Meditation '“ 40 minutes.
Today I tried the whole jhanic arc without the help of youtube ☺. I will liken my meditation practise to piano practise (I teach piano). I like to try and roughly sight read the whole piece first '“ it's bitty with stops and starts, but I get the general framework. This is how I am approaching the jhanic arc at present. However, there are no short cuts with piano practise, and I am quite sure the same is true with this meditation practise. I now need to take a more sectional '“ approach '“ one jhana at a time and really get to know it '“ inside and out. In piano practise repetition is key, going over and over each section, paying attention to larger sections (musical phrases), transitions between those sections and micro-sections (i.e. from one note to the next) diligently, especially where there are still stops and starts in my playing, until each section, or passage of music flows from the fingers and the intellect is no longer required.
I am gradually becoming more familiar with the material jhanas '“ though equanimity is a little patchy. When I get to the immaterial jhanas I have to keep stopping to look at the '˜map' (the 20 strata of mind on the dharma site) to see where I am and where I'm gong next, but I'm beginning to sense which immaterial jhana is which and have some idea of the transitions. Again, much deeper practise required here, as, although I have the general gist, these immaterial jhana were fuzzy today '“ I mean that in a very physical sense '“ there wasn't the clarity I sense I will be experiencing when I can enter these with more insight.

Awesome! Love your entries!

I play guitar and I agree 100% with your analogy!

30th- 31st July
The rest of yesterday I had energy moving around my body like formless snakes; it was a sensation not familiar to me and I felt oddly out of sorts. The energy was on the one hand energising and on the other, it was so erratic it was almost frazzling, and by the end of my working day I didn't know whether to go for a walk or lie down! I was awake for a couple of hours in the night with the frights, again, not something I usually experience these days. I was worrying about work, but felt excessively fearful.
I awoke still feeling a bit out of sorts this morning. I have just finished meditation practice now and feel somewhat calmer and more centred, although still aware of energy movement in the body. During practice I went to equanimity (4th jhana) paying as such attention as I could on the way there to the other jhanas and staying with each one awhile. However, soon after I got to equanimity I felt a rush of energy moving through me in a constant motion moving strongly upwards through from the base chakra (that area of the body anyway) up to the head area, and although I had not planned to go there today I felt pulled towards the 1st immaterial jhana, where I sat for a time before moving to the second immaterial jhana. This was more fuzzy and I chose to start going back down through the arc from that point. I'm not so clear on the jhanas when going backwards '“ I seem to carry with me the energies of the previous higher jhanas so coming back down doesn't feel quite the same as going up. Is this normal?
I'm really not sure what all this movement of energy is (kundalini in a sort of untamed state is my guess, but I don't really know) and why its happening now, at this stage of my practise, so would be grateful for any insights.

Hi Serena,

In my opinion you are allowing for that physio-energetic development in the body to do its thing. Just keep stepping out of the way (noting and jhanic arc riding in the Witness).

It's a good thing and just more fuel for your rocket ship to awakening. When I go up and down the jhanic arc, it is my experience that the jhanas become much clearer, stronger and deeper as you come back down and go back up a few times. So don't worry if the jhanas feel different when coming back down. Have you tried riding the arc several rounds in a sitting? Try it. Things change, get weaker and get stronger also depending on the where energy is getting blocked in the body

Only yesterday i had this insight. I was sitting in the Witness riding up the jhanic arc. At the same time I had a very negative flow of energy at the chest. As I went up the arc to the top pure abode, the energy moved to the throat. At this stage the jhanas felt "fuzzy" and not as clear as i have previously felt. At the end of the second round and on to the third round the energy shifted up to my brow and the jhanas instantly became clearer and deeper. Very interesting experience.

Don't worry about the jhanas feeling different at times. The body influences the mind, the mind influences the body. Take it as a lesson.

Thanks Nick,

That's reassuring and very helpful...I'll take your advice. I've only just started trying the immaterial jhanas - not even sure if I'm jumping the gun a bit, but seem to be being drawn there, so I'll take that as a sign that its okay to keep trying the whole arc.

Thanks again.

2nd August - Meditation 25 mins

After a clear meditation yesterday where I ascended the arc to the two immaterial jhanas and felt I was getting a deeper grasp on the 5th nana during third jhana (the dissolution in my whole body felt like a big school of very tiny fishes), today was a fuzzy out of control mess with a strong feeing of nausea from the outset. It was almost a relief to get to the dark night and fully acknowledge the nausea as '˜disgust' kicked in. Once I found equanimity the nausea became less of a distraction '“ less palpable - although still present. Mind was wandering more than usual today too. To speculate, either I'm catching a bug (most of the rest of my family has it), or I'm in a dark night cycle, or maybe the two are manifesting as two apparently discrete events but are in fact, the same thing'¦..who knows .

3rd August
Meditation '“ 25 minutes
I sat for a few minutes and stabilised '“ felt strong descension of energy. Went to A&P and observed blinking sensations. These are generally much more subtle than they were on first beginning to observe them a few weeks ago. They are a subtle rhythmic but regular flutters, that then move back and forth (from front to back of head) and then turn to a fast flutter, followed by a stop stop. Fast flutter, stop. Etc.
I then find myself in a very chilled, relaxed state. On getting to dissolution today it felt like the body turned into big lumpy gross sensations. I got fidgety and observed stretching, release etc, then went through the dukkha nanas. Fear '“ not so strong '“ misery, crikey, always feels like I've reached the bottom of the well '“ then disgust, which always makes me pull faces (it does just thinking about it at the moment). Then the 'GET ME OUTTA HERE!!' feeling arises ('˜nuff face pulling already), before I ifnd myself watching the whole gamut (fear, misery, disgust) from a seemingly higher plane. Off to equanimity where I sit for a short time. Tough to concentrate here. I try and observe the breath. Still I get the sensation of being pulled to infinite space (5th jhana). I definitely concur with Kenneth's imaging of lines reaching out to endless space '“ very Alex Grey. I don't share the looping back to infinite consciousness imaging at present though. I'm still a bit lost for words on this jhana '“ but it's as though any sense of self is completely jettisoned and awareness goes into deep space. Except it's visually light. Deep light then. I had a jerky ride back down the arc '“ I tried to observe it but seemed to jolt quickly from one state to the next and appeared to miss out a couple. A bit like falling down stairs in an ungainly fashion - but less painful. Better luck next time.

Today I get to equanimity and sit there observing the breath, but wandering mind is strong in this jhana. Years ago, when I was practising intensively I used to stare at candle flames for whole nights (yes, literally, no sleep, just got up and went about my business for the day after a night of staring at a flame, and then went back to candle watching through the night). But that was before family. So I'll keep trying to observe the breath. It's slippery though, this mind in equanimity. I guess part of the equanimity factor is accepting the wandering mind and just pulling it back gently, pulling it back gently.

"I guess part of the equanimity factor is accepting the wandering mind and just pulling it back gently, pulling it back gently."

What's the Zen saying? "Fall down seven times, get up eight."
Great reports, Serena!

August 5th Meditation '“ 25 minutes
There is strong desire to meditate for longer periods of time as I sit today and this desire is making concentration strong. I don't want to miss a second of this time meditating (time before the rest of the house wakes up and sandwiches need making and kids need ferrying to and from and work begins), and this seems to keep wandering mind in abeyance '“ at least up to equanimity. I am feeling more clear about the nanas and jhanas up to equanimity, although feel I could delve far deeper into sitting with the jhanas. I forgot to shift to the 'blinking' today and appeared to move between jhanas 2 and 3 without doing this. I was not sure whether I needed to move to '˜blinking' in order to transition between the two, so I guess not. Today the dukkha nanas feel to have less of an emotional pull but are rather happening more on the '˜edges' of my experience. The fear dukkha nana definitely affects the vibratory sensations on the circumference of the body '“ a little like the body goes '˜on alert', but there is not so much a feeling of apphrension today. The misery is felt as a physical opening of the throat and mouth like one might experience during terrible sorrow and loss, but the emotional level seems not to be there. Disgust is the strongest of the three at present in terms of emotions. The desire for deliverance I am '˜resolving' rather than feeling emotionally. I '˜called it up' today using intent. During equanimity I was able to stay with the breath for longer periods of time.

What a day! This is the third time in a fortnight I have experienced very strong feelings of nausea for and extended period of time. I'm really beginning to think it's strongly connected to the dhukka nanas that I have been consciously meditating on for about the same length of time since the nausea started. Today's wave was so strong I had to stop work for fear of vomiting over a student (!). But no vomiting. Just the overpowering sensation of nausea. Of course, it could just be a bug (or the bug/dhukka nana are one in the same). it just seems a bit too much of a coincidence, especially as during my sitting practice the dhukka nana of disgust seems to be hanging on in there far stronger than fear and misery at present. Another thing to report, I keep going into a state today whereby there's no little me anymore, just awareness of stuff going on. Feels really spacious - clear presence, pure 'happenings". Felt it while driving, walking sitting. Aaaaah. Nice! Talk about ups and downs though! It's a good test of equanimity this .

Meditation 45 minutes
Today felt as though I had gone right back to square one. There was dense vibration around the surface and within body that sat there for some time. I observed this but it did not clear. Eventually, probably at least 15 minutes into meditation I felt as though I had gone into 3rd jhana as I got a feeling of coolness and then felt the vibrations become more subtle. I felt something like dissolution (all the vibrations got really gross again) and the rest was mush, with some attempt at equanimity. My surmise? There is a very loud Caribbean Carnival going on outside my window today as I sit. Really great fun, with massive sound systems that literally shake your insides (I stood right by one earlier whilst watching the parade). The streets are full of people. It's a fantastic celebration. But somehow all this appears to have impacted on my energy field. I speculate in this way because its the first time since beginning meditation practice again some weeks ago that I have felt this level of gross vibration in and around my body. Sure, I'm a little disappointed, my expectations have been tested and all that. But hey, it's all a good test of equanimity. Anicca, anicca.

25 Minutes
I begin with A&P and appear to move into third jhana although mind is wandering a lot today. With some application I seem to stay in 3rd jhana, but to be honest I'm not really sure what's happening. There is light, strong presence, coolness (which is what makes me think is 3yd jhana), but I don't seem to move to dissolution, even with intent. I find one pulse, that's it, and that fades out after a few seconds. Interesting.

August 12th
I'm still meditating daily, however life has been very hectic this last few days and I have felt a little out of touch with my practise, even when I am meditating. I drank a cup of coffee before sitting today. This allowed for great vipassana in terms of observing pulses, agitation, restlessness etc. Not so great for steeping in jhanas. I'm not sure I experienced any sense of calm throughout the sit. I am a little concerned I am losing momentum here. I seemed to be going great guns last week and the week before . I feel sad about this and there is temptation to get sidetracked from the path. I am observing these feelings and responses, however, encouragement always welcome . I guess this will pass, right?

All things must pass...

life has been hectic and so things are a bit hectic on the cushion, as long as you observe what's happening you are good.