Records of a Reclus

I'd also like to state here (in connection with the interesting discussion on Mike Monson's page) that I am starting a monthlong experiment of no alcohol and very limited caffeine. Not out of any dogmatic following of the scriptures or anything, but to see if this has any effect on my ability to undergo (and understand) the physio-energetic process we're all doing here. I've not held back on either of those substances before, so I'm hoping this will help to clarify things.

I'll report anything of note that comes up, but if its any kind of general over all effect, I'll wait till the end of the month to judge the effectiveness.

Also, I don't indulge in any other substances either, so this is a strict no-intoxicants month (accept from 1 cup of coffee per day, when necessary).

one tip based upon my experience of doing the same thing: use any thoughts or feelings you have at first of missing or wanting alcohol as just more stuff to work with and note. It can be a rich area I think.

Thanks Mike. I'm going to apply that toward the alcohol AND caffeine, though the caffeine headaches are making that not so easy....

I quite smoking about 4 years back as well, and whenever the nicotine cravings arise, I do that exact same thing, just consider them a sort of curiosity and examine them until they go away. So I can definitely agree that it is a useful practice! : )

Half hour sit this morning. Again, started with extended concentration practice, hoping to bring the jhannas up a little more strongly. It got to the point where my entire body felt transparent, and then I started noting. As soon as I did so, the feeling of transparency remained, but it kind of light up, or the contents of it started moving, or something. There was a definite switch there, though its hard to describe, a response to my turning towards that space with the intent to begin noting. I think I may finally be starting to get the hang of this whole thing. Noting came slowly, was interspersed with being lost in thought and focusing back on the breath. I actually don't recall most of the notes now, unfortunately. A lot of vibrations, warmth, coolness (all pleasant) and a little pain as well.

As a kind of side note, I sat AFTER having a really good chi kung session.

Now, off to sit in the stairwell for the rest of my lunch hour.

OK, back. 30 minutes. Started with focus on the breath, quickly slipped into noting. warmth, coolness, vibrations, Lots of visual strobing, light and darkness swirling through my vision in waves. The visual field even started to ripple, in little swirls, like the surface of a river.

And then came the sudden worrying realization "yes, but who is it that's noting?". Not a rational thought, a very emotional one. The realization that I don't know the where/how/who of the noting process. So I took that question as the object (basically 2nd gear, I believe) and alternated between that and the breath. I ended up feeling kind of centered in the middle top part of my head, behind the 3rd eye point. I couldn't quite get a hold of it and kept trying. Eventually there was the feeling of a knot there, or a tightness. There was pressure around this, but then the feel of it faded.

I developed tingling in the third-eye-area/forehead, which I had to note very lightly, holding back from touching it directly, or it would fade. The tingling continued and then faded after a few minutes. Next I experienced a strong itching on the front of my throat. I noted "itching" "itching" and it exploded into several smaller itchings spread throughout my upper back and shoulders, almost as if the first itch had exploded like a rocket (what's the singular of "fireworks"?).

After that I felt run down and lost focus. I started drifting off, but when my alarm went off, I realized I was in the midst of a vision of a man with a dog in a park, telling a story about that vision to someone, and also noting "tension" "tension" at the same time. I wasn't actually asleep, but in that wakeful drowsiness I've come upon before by allowing myself to doze off while trying to maintain awareness. It was very strange to have multiple things going on at the same time.

Haven't had a chance to do much Vipassana lately. I tried to sit on Friday but lack of sleep seems to be a bid obstacle for my noting practice. Without more than 6 full hours of sleep (at least within the past 2 nights), I can't seem to get my focus up to the point where notiing is do-able for me.

However, I have done both a 45 minute sit with Reggie Ray's various somatic meditation technique and an hour-and-half zazen sit at the zendo yesterday. Both were FAR more effective than they have proven to be in the past, as if a larger portion of my mind can now turn toward them then could previously. The somatic meditation left me feeling embodied and energized, despite this being right before going to bed (and in no way conflicted with falling asleep). The zazen felt really great and focused, I felt I could go deeper into the practice than ever. But I got kind of burnt out after about an hour and a bit, and I had to pull back during the last part of period and just rest.

In any case, I am enjoying this increased facility with the various practices. Hopefully I'll have a chance to sit in the stairwell a little later today and get in some good noting. Or, if not, then tomorrow morning.

try and get some sleep too

Yeah seriously. It also apparently affects my spelling rather badly as well...

Tonight my focus is "8 hours or bust!"

Also, just got back from a sit in the stairwell, 30 minutes. Started off noting and realized I had a really good sense of being in the body today. Lots of warmth and coolness, a little tension, a little bliss. About halfway through, the rippling of the visual field started again, as did the strange twistings of light overlaid over reality (or rather, they felt like they were coming through from behind reality, in some way). This lead to the strange colors and waves of light and darkness over my vision. Fun stuff, and I feel great. Afterwards, I'm almost floating, with the feeling of my presence being somehow above and behind the body, though also in my body...

I also watched the guided tour of the jhanas videos over the weekend and could kind of follow along up through 7 or maybe 8. Was hard to tell since I was focused on the video. But the description of the 1st Pureland jhanna really surprised me. The feeling of popping out through a sunroof in a car. That's what happened back when I had my first potential fruition (comment 18 on the first page of this journal), I popped through the sunroof and was torn completely in half. Found this very surprising, though maybe that means it wasn't fruition, if it was a jhanna preview kind of thing? Perhaps I am still somewhere late first path... hmm....

I did manage the 8 hours last night, though it was proceeded by some more serious life-planning conversations between my girlfriend and I. Things are very tense right now, its no easy to sit. Didn't do so this morning, but I will be heading out to the stairwell in a little bit.

In the meantime, I just wanted to share a few things. First, this advice from Kenneth on the Q+A on Samatha:

6. Beware "smart person's disease." This is the tendency to think that you have to have some mental system in place before you can try something. Forget about that. Imagine that you are the first samatha pioneer. Your job is to go exploring and report back to the rest of us what you have found.

I think I have a chronic case of smart person's disease, both on and off the cushion. Need to be more "pioneering" with my practice. I mentioned somewhere earlier that I have this nagging feeling that I'm not doing the practices "correctly". I know rationally that there's not "correct" way, but sitting down, I keep feeling "nah, you're missing something". I think what's "missing" is exactly what meditation is meant to get rid of, those mental systems we put in place before doing anything.

Nothing wrong with these systems per-se, but we must remember that they are voluntary systems, not requirements.

"Nothing wrong with these systems per-se, but we must remember that they are voluntary systems, not requirements." ~Ian

Well said.

The other things I wanted to share was this quote from one of the advertisements on the subway:

Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and, as we pass through them, they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus. - Emerson (from "Experience)

Just kind of reminded me of the whole "door to the door to the door" quote from Bill Hamilton. Dunno, maybe the quote's off base, but I liked it anyway. : )

"The other things I wanted to share was this quote from one of the advertisements on the subway:

Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and, as we pass through them, they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus. - Emerson (from "Experience)

Just kind of reminded me of the whole "door to the door to the door" quote from Bill Hamilton. Dunno, maybe the quote's off base, but I liked it anyway. : )"

Yeah, I read that quotation on the train as I was cycling through the dark night. Guess what I thought about.

I dunno, what could it have been?

Doesn't look like I'll have time to sit today. perhaps on the way out to RSR....

Sorry, that was meant to come out snarky and sarcastic, in a good way. But the text leaves it rather empty... Perhaps an emoticon?

"I dunno, what could it have been? ; )"

There, that's better.

Heh, no big.

""Nothing wrong with these systems per-se, but we must remember that they are voluntary systems, not requirements." ~Ian

Well said."

Thanks Jackson. This originally sprang from a talk given at the Zen temple on Sunday. The key part for me was that there's this old master who was once the head of a monastery, but was turned into a fox. Why? Because when he was asked "Are enlightened beings subject to conditions (ie: karma)?" he answered "no". Poof, instant foxhood.

He later came to the new head of the monastery, after "500 lifetimes as a fox" and asked the new head what a better answer would have been. The new head said "He does not ignore causation". And the old master was immediately enlightened. (though there seem to be several translations of this floating around, this is the one I received)

Its from the second koan in the Gateless Gate collection. There's more to it, but this was the part that really spoke to me. None of our constructs, karmas, and mental systems are real, not ultimately, but neither should we ignore them. The quote I posted from Kenneth made this all the more relevant to me personally...

Its hard though, seeing those things we've chosen not to see. Disembed, over and over and over...

Didn't sit this morning, focusing on that 8 Hours of Sleep resolution... But I did want to report something from the sit with Kenneth last night.

I noticed that I kept getting stuck during noting. I'd enter into a mental state of blankness, where the part of my mind that was processing the noting and the things being noted simply stopped. I would slip out of it briefly when I would note "searching" or "seeking" but as soon as I was back into noting, everything would freeze up again. It wasn't continuous (happened mainly during the four foundations, especially thoughts) but it felt the same each time. As if I were coming into a place where nothing was happening. Very strange. I even found it a bit hard to force out the words of the noting.

I was also riding the train this morning doing a bit of the bystander, noting a lot of negative states/sensations when i noticed a kind of warmth or light emanating around the feeling of the negativity. Focusing on that and letting it kind of steep, I had a rush of bliss and relief run through me. More so than when I try to do simple jhanna practice.

No idea what's going on here. I'm hoping for the chance to do a long sit this weekend and really dig in.

Does it feel more like total laxity for a few seconds where you are just getting some aphasia or is it more like the gap between the noting of two events?

"Didn't sit this morning, focusing on that 8 Hours of Sleep resolution... But I did want to report something from the sit with Kenneth last night.

I noticed that I kept getting stuck during noting. I'd enter into a mental state of blankness, where the part of my mind that was processing the noting and the things being noted simply stopped. I would slip out of it briefly when I would note "searching" or "seeking" but as soon as I was back into noting, everything would freeze up again. It wasn't continuous (happened mainly during the four foundations, especially thoughts) but it felt the same each time. As if I were coming into a place where nothing was happening. Very strange. I even found it a bit hard to force out the words of the noting.

I was also riding the train this morning doing a bit of the bystander, noting a lot of negative states/sensations when i noticed a kind of warmth or light emanating around the feeling of the negativity. Focusing on that and letting it kind of steep, I had a rush of bliss and relief run through me. More so than when I try to do simple jhanna practice.

No idea what's going on here. I'm hoping for the chance to do a long sit this weekend and really dig in."

But -- are you generally in a lighter, better mood today?

Hmmm... I do feel better today, though I did notice any improvement last night.

I definitely didn't notice it as a gap, awareness continued and the room was still there. It was more like a pause of the mental phenomenon, almost like I imagine a stutterer would feel when trying to get a word out when they can't. Except that there wasn't any "pushing" on my part, as there would be on the part of the stutterer (or so I imagine). I had to kind of snap myself out of it in order to continue noting. I lose sense of the body, though I could bring it up by turning my attention to it. But nothing was going on there, everything seemed completely still.

I don't think I'll be able to sit today either, as I'm filling in for a co-worker at the office again. But I am trying to keep up some body awareness/sweeping while I sit. And I am beginning to notice that a lot of the negative feelings I have (tension, anxiety, anger) can be seen and surrendered to. That there's a way to dissolve them, but that I've been choosing to hold onto them because I've been building the "story" of my life around solving them. They don't need solving, they just need release. This follows a sense of fear of "what'll I do if that's gone?" but I know better than to trust that! I just have to watch for the chance to pull away from those feelings when they come up, though its really hard not to get caught up in them. They're just so damn familiar and comfortable... (as odd as that sounds)

Just my opinion of course:
I really like the term "disembed." And, I really like what happens when I do what I think of as disembedding. I start with the attitude that any object can appear -- anywhere, anytime (feelings, thoughts, etc). If the object is noted and/or noticed and NOT identified with -- then disembedding happens. (I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all!)
Anyway, the object gets to fully exist and then fully pass naturally and without friction and "surrendering" is actually an extra and unnecessary step.

Edit: I don't know about this post. I know that what I am trying to describe is effective and good but I think my description just sounded like a lot of thinking and analyzing. Oh well.
The problem is that thinking and words have nothing really to do with what I am attempting to describe.

Yeah, I see what you mean Mike. It like, holding the perspective of viewing the object, allowing it to exist as it is, and watching it as it move away/is gone. So little effort is needed its ridiculous. More effort to NOT move with the object, than anything else.

Here's a question for you. When you notice/note the object, and disembedding is happening, what's around the object? I noticed on the train ride home last night that when I became aware of an object I was holding onto, there was a kind of glow or warmth around the object. Its hard to describe exactly, but since the objects were so negative and "sticky"on the train, I started thinking of this as a "silver lining" kind of thing. Tuning into that and completely ignoring the object brought up some bliss/relief. A similar feeling happens when the object would pass naturally.

That's what the sensations were at the time, as best as I can describe them. Maybe just a momentary weirdness along the path. Do you notice anything like that, when looking at an object right now?

"I start with the attitude that any object can appear -- anywhere, anytime (feelings, thoughts, etc). "

And I just want to add, I think I will find this attitude to be a very very powerful tool. Thanks for sharing that Mike.

"And then came the sudden worrying realization "yes, but who is it that's noting?". Not a rational thought, a very emotional one. The realization that I don't know the where/how/who of the noting process. "

man, this sitting-at-the-desk stuff is bringing me back here over and over. After this, no more updates... I have emails to write! : )

But I just realized, this feeling yesterday of "who is it that is noting?" (from comment 104 a page back), it was pointing to the fact that I am always doing my noting practice from somewhere. Like I create some sense of "I" who settles in and beginning to watch for things to note. But the very presence of that "I" who is watching is simply another object. I don't think this is the same as the witness, because I can let go of that entrenched position and still feel the sense of "I am" (though I could be wrong) but noting itself is a lot freer. There's nothing that needs to be "locked-in" before I can begin noting, no "mental framework" that needs to be held on to before "practice" can "begin"... : )

I am finding this really exciting all of a sudden, kind of manically so. Now, back to work...