Mark P's Noting Journal

No shortcuts around work yesterday.7 solid hours of team programming before I got a break for 1/2 hour of sitting. There was an unexpected spacious and calm tone for having just been so computer wired. Later when I was finally done with work, got another 1/2 hour around midnight. It was unusually conscious for that time. A lot of the flavor of the a.m. sitting remained, with more chakra-like activity than usual. It felt like energy in the abdomen was shaking loose or un-knotting at one point. Frequently I have pressure in the forehead, like energy pushing out. Last night, had the unusual (and more pleasurable) feeling of energy pulling into the forehead. That's about it.

This morning only 3O mins. Like the last few days struggled a little with 1st foundation, today as soon as I got to Feeling tone, the pleasurable energy took off again and I just went with trying to watch that. I guess I must have been ignoring the feeling dimension for some time evidently. Continuing theme of taking a general rather than focused view, and summoning a light touch while not losing touch. I wish there was more time to practice (how does the tune to that go?).

Monday evening at work trying to push a deadline when my body compelled me to stop and meditate with a feeling of being drawn in at the forehead. Found that I couldn't resume working. After 1/2 hour switched to standing meditation. The body seemed to have an agenda and did subtle shifts in posture and even some tai chi like moves to free up energy. The noting was trying to catch the movements of the mind while keeping the body in view, which seemed to bring the mind back to the body. Ended up feeling grounded in the body, and tired.

Woke up that night feeling frustrated energetically, like I needed to go outside and run around. Got up to sit for more than an hour, noting unpleasant enegries and aversion until things settled. Then resumed trying to see mental movements, which led into a dynamic like trying to see without assuming an unseen position from which to see.

Kind of surprised that this kind of practice momentum could be happening at a time when I'm so over-absorbed in hours on end of intensively conceptual computer work. Though trying to make the effort to note when possible, mostly feeling like I'm not doing it well when not sitting.

Tuesday: I have chronic issues with habitually eating and drinking stuff that can cause food allergies etc. Tuesday a couple of these known factors came together and I ended up with an usually bad reaction. Felt totally out of whack and aversive all day. Coudn't summon the heart to really open to this degree of aversion and note it while working. A little, but mostly gave up and just tried to get work done.

When I sat last night the loss of momentum was obvious. I could appreciate how much relative mindfulness, concentration and investigation had somehow built up by the previous day. My tea kettle has steamed and cooled so many times, it's become my personal slogan: 7 times down, 8 times up.

Wednesday. Went with a good night's sleep rather than a long morning sit, just 25 mins. Decided to extend some friendly, metta-ish awareness to my beleagured brain this morning, which quickly brought a bunch of expansive energy from the heart and resumed a sense of investigating the body. So, maybe the momentum is not completely squandered. Back to work with trying to note whenever I can, as best I can. Maybe that works better than I think.

[Edit: wet paint wasn't displaying post's this morning. Tried it twice & now, about 7 hours later, they showed up. Another attempt a few minutes ago, might show up later. ]

Keeping up an hour+ daily sitting as usual and trying to stay on top of heavy work schedule. Not much to journal about except unusual dreams Thursday night. Dreamed that I was observing the circus-like flow of images in my dream from behind my eyes and noting them. It wasn't conscous awareness of dreaming, I thought it was really happening. Then dreamed it was the 1st day of a vipassana retreat with Kenneth being held at my local Zen Center. I was ecstatic and thought "now I'm sure to get 1st path!" Established sleep patterns have changed recently: not much insomnia and more dreaming.

WetPaint seems like it might be broken again. Just checking to see if this post works. -- No, seems to work OK.

Met a neurologist this week after my brain seemed to be short-circuiting for a few days. She said I was in a self-perpetuating migraine cycle and gave temporary strong steroids to chill it. In the last decade, turns out, neurologists stopped seeing migraines as a bad headache and started regarding them as more like siezures. More recently they've discovered similarities to ischemic strokes, including oxygen shortage with some cell loss and cognitive impairment, as well as greater risk of stroke and heart attack. Instead of pain management, preventing them from happening with meds is the goal. So now I'm on anti-convulsants. I'm greatful to have an explanation and an intervention, this has been going on for years. Evidently it remains the norm for millions of people to go years or decades regarding their migraines as a major nuisance to endure rather than as, what an article I just read calls "a progressive brain disease" that can and should be treated.

I'm guessing that when the capacity for consciousness is challenged, it's an interesting practice challenge for even advanced yogis. For a mountain climber, the challenge is usually presented by the mountain. But what if you had to climb one with someone else's body. Or try to be aware with an unfamiliar brain. A week ago had one of my worst attacks (I've just thought of them as "spells" over the last 20 years because I didn't know that these are also migraines). Seemed like it could be a stroke. My mind and senses seemed like they were dimming out becoming vague and disconnected. I wasn't sure if I could walk or talk. In fight or flight mode, I wasn't inclined toward investigation but the habit of noting kicked in automatically and instantly changed my perspective. Instead of looking out there, wondering what the heck is happening. I settled back into my brain and just felt it's stress, the location and the exact feelings, and relaxed a little into a tactile answer.

Oddly with my brain so stressed, I've been hanging out in my body more this week. And then the anti-convulsant meds also started changing the way my brain usually works. I've been looking at it as a chance to get practice views, unpleasant and aversive as they may be, from outside my well established ruts.

The meds have finally chilled my chronically migraine-aggravated brain which, as the neurologist predicted, has also chilled my insomnia and persistent anxiety. It's interesting to see that my attention now naturally rests more in the body instead of always going 1st to the head. But that's all circumanstances. One strength of my practice is that for 10 years I sit usually for an hour every day no matter what's going on with my health, job, family etc. The big weakness is my moment to moment awareness. During any month there are times when I'm trying to ramp that up. Starting to feel the momentum of mindfulness building some again, the last couple of days. Usually (or always) the ramps up get set back by work schedule spikes or by the more severe migraine attacks. It'll be interesting to see what's different if those don't happen as much.

I think this isn't highly encouraged in this practice, but I'm taking on some mildly ascetic practice supplements to try to encourage energy and sensitivity: less food, less caffeine, being celibate for awhile, cutting back on entertainments. On the positive side, more exercize and starting some yoga. I feel like I have to get proactive about the big work projects kicking up right now and the execessive hours sitting at a PC expected all winter. My experience suggests these tricks help increase mindfulness in daily life and make it more likely I'll be awake while sitting, even at night.

I was at the point where my sensation body or energy body is fairly visible or available if I remember it through out the day, before my last biggie migraine attack. Afterwards, the connection to my body was largely lost and it was like I had to manually reconnect it with a couple weeks of meditation, mindfulness and some body work. Now it feels back again. What a miracle. This has happened before but in a way it always feels like the first time when you get your faculties back.

Once this week I had that feeling like where the gravitational balance shifts more on the side of actually noting most of the time rather than some of the time and mostly thinking about noting. But mostly haven't attained that level of momentum yet while trying to get my health stable and keep up the work schedule.

A rare chance, lately, to sit for 90 mins this a.m. Struggled with complete distraction for at least 20 mins. Notincing differences in how things feel and worrying that the anti-migraine meds I'm on might be making it hard to concentrate. Moved on from failing to note 1st foundation to 2nd and (once again!) as soon as I hit pleasant sensations the energy kicked in and mindfulness groove took off, as if the meds were irrelevant. I'm gonna start with that next time!

At one point my body felt relaxed and kind of empty of sensations except around the edges. So instead of going looking for sensations to get tense about, I just noted "relaxing and letting go, pleasurable" for awhile. Ended up feeling calm, quiet and relaxed in my body. Gave myself permission to feel like I was doing it wrong, and welcomed the sensations back fully prepared to enjoy them without any suspicious investigation. The sensations were normal but warmer and cozier and I felt happier and more spacious around them.

New Year is my annual observance and I prepare by making some vows to practice so that I'll have already hit the ground running by Jan 1st rather than depressed. Then my birthday reprises a month later, so I keep the momentum up as a birthday present to myself.

This birthday, 57th, is 40th anniversary of an A&P that sent me looking for my 1st Zen teacher and set me on a life long struggle to find out how to practice the Dharma. The 1st 10 years were a struggle for sanity then social survival. Once I got that down some, I did learn to sit and started going to retreats and living as a woods-and-hills dwelling hermit hoping to make dharma progress during 2nd 10 years. Unfortunately didn't understand enough about disembedding then to take full advantage of that time. 3rd 10 years was about bootstrapping the middle-class householder and career path, retreat opportunities were gone, sitting sporadic. 4th 10 years I learned to continue the demanding householder path and keep up a hell-or-highwater daily sitting schedule, but Failed at my efforts to learn how to keep up throughout-the day-mindfulness.

Entering the 5th "decade?", health is uncertain. I'll be 60 in 3 years. Householder responsibilities continue and prospects for retreats are no better. There is only one way ahead for me and that's right now noting. Got to do it.

am sitting 1 hr started with strong resolve to note continuously, but did drift into a couple mins of thought during 1st F as usual. Did better with doubles of 1st & 2nd F, then mix of 1st,2nd & 3rd. Little of 4th F in this sit. Noted pressure, tingling, itches, releasing, waves, uncertainty as sensation became more subtle. Noted images of people and scenarios at work and related feeling tone, which prevented work thought trains and brought back to the body. Noticed that the body knows what posture it needs for mindfulness. Investigated mental states and noted unpleasant as I suspected they might be medication related. Noted uncertainty about them. Noted physical sensations related to them. Resolved to continue commitment to noting throughout the day.

At work yesterday, kept up reminders to note throughtout the day. During the 1st several hours found it easier to note at times while typing and programming. After 7 hours, unfixating the mind from the unsolved programming problem du jour became more challenging.

PM attempted walking meditation 45 mins. Brief bouts of noting interrupted by a lot of dullness and distraction. 45 min pm sitting with continuing dullness and drowsiness.

am sitting, one hour. Difficulty waking up this morning. Not sleepy while sitting, but dullness and distraction continue. Intermittent brief noting between space outs.

Woh! Meditation and migraines might be a package deal for me!

I've been enjoying a literally chilled-out brain, and no insomnia, from 2 or 3 weeks of anti-convulsant meds (although I've kind of missed the "night school" extra insomnia sittings). After a big migraine attack, it's like the nervous system short circuits and blows off my built up joriki and I feel physically and energetically wasted. (From a med science perspective, maybe a little brain cell damaged from oxygen deprivation.) Then it feels like I have to remap the awareness through the body and rebuild the joriki.

I've been in denial about a fear that maybe it's part of my meditative cycle itself that is triggering these migraine attacks, which might have something to do with the chronic yogi situation.

The anticonvulsants also feel like they clamp down on the joriki some, for example it feels like eye flutters are suppressed. Recently I've been sensing the joriki probing the limits imposed by the meds, kind of like when it remaps after an attack. Yesterday I was feeling elated as I felt it finding it's way back through my body while exercising. And this morning, it was like my familiar meditation mind was back despite the meds, then the urge for the eyes to flutter but as if the need to flutter couldn't go through the previous kind of energetically obvious pathway but had to pick a more subtle one, but found it, and fluttered!! Amazing how this process is so committed to getting past obstacles, like the flow of water. But then as soon as the eyes fluttered, presto, the start of a migraine.

The energetic progress of insight path can be challenging.

Cool stuff Mark! I had, what I believe to be, a meditation related headache today. It was pretty rough. I can only imagine what the migrane version of that is like!

Glad to see you making some excellent progress and sounding enthusiastic about practice.

I'm really rooting for you too! You're an inspiring yogi for sure!

Thank you, Jason. You've been a good friend on the path the last several months. Sorry to hear about your headache. They make it hard to function. Mine are trending worse but still only moderately painful for a migraine. When I told the neurologist it feels like my brain is shorting, she said that's right, neurons are misfiring from the cortex to the brainstem. This one's been lasting for 2 days. Makes it hard to settle the mind enough to stay mindful in activity, unless there's a chance to be still and quiet and I can settle right into or around the agitated brain. It can get discouraging, thanks for the encouragement!

Up at 4am & off to work so no am sitting, yesterday, but had a bus ride and walking meditation on way home and mindful dishwashing before pm sitting. Had a lucid moment of recognizing how routinely I get embedded in the story line. This goes with how it's been dawning on me that I don't know what a migraine is. The compassionate medical approach is to suppress the symptoms but awareness evidenly wants to bring attention and openness to them. Had another dream last night where I was trying to appy noting.

AM sitting, 50 mins. Started off with noting "knowing that" or "experiencing that", noting my general physical and mental state before going into 4 Fs. Found recently that I get off to a better start that way. Caught myself drifting & noticed a discouraged mood. Resolved to note as if aloud very continuously. (Small house is usually too densely populated for aloud noting.) That worked immediately to get the kriyas going and sense that I could see mind and body events simultaneously. Tried to keep the distinct descriptive noting going as fast as I could while mentally acknowledging as much of what I was seeing as possible. Ended up feeling like I didn't really have enough joriki under my belt to maintain the state but it was encouraging.

am sitting 1 hour: started with several minutes of returning from distracted thought before finding a groove with mostly the 1st 2 F's. Managed to keep up a pretty good flow of naming and feeling a new sensation every 1 to 5 seconds for several stretches of the sitting. Early in the sitting, got drawn into the sweet spot and had a few minutes of eye fluttering and a lot of energy and sensation in the eyes. That was a surprise, since that hasn't been happening since the migraine & meds stuff has been going on. Neurologist upped my meds & that chilled out the migraines again the last couple of days but didn't have much obvious impact on meditation state. Who knows about states?

Kenneth still works with students at all levels. Spent an hour with me today on basic 1st gear. Had the rare chance to spend a vacation day meditating at home. Would have been a fine day even without ending with a Skype, but I was mainly focusing on 1st 2 foundations. Kenneth showed me how to take note of mind states in a way that I usually miss or avoid. Very helpful. I'm very greatful for the support of my family today too. Now back to work with trying to note while working and householding.

am sitting, 1 hour. Resolved to focus on each foundation for 5 mins before noting from all 4 of them. At the beginning of each F., made a resolve just for that one as well. Helped avoid drifting. Sensations tended to contain vibrations today. Tried to gently investigate the vibrations. Separation of mind and body eventually seemed clear and detailed "like the old days". My health, new meds and side effects, have not stabilized. It's either worse, better or briefly the same. Still keeping up the householder wanna-be sage lifestyle. Recently, sittings have been feeling kind of perfunctory and run-over by busy-ness, though every now and then (like today) they seem like an inspiring recharge. Sometimes efforts to be mindful and note during moments of busy life seem kind of pathetic and other times they seem like a micro vacation.

I've been experimenting with my lifestyle in ways that I've often imagined might help noting practice. A biggie is that I kicked a decades long hopeless every-day addicition to abusive levels of caffeine. Zero coffee, chocolate and black tea. Also have been on a near zero-media fast for awhile now. No tv, books, mags, movies, radio, music, surfing, news. Not even so much KFD. Celibate for several weeks and some substantial diet changes. This all seems like a worthwhile experiment, as far as it goes, but it's interesting that it has no direct relation to whether I note or not except that it might free up some time and energy and ambiance for noting. That still leaves the big gotta-drop-sticking-to-ideas-and-note as continuously as possible part.

I was so discouraged about my practice, decided not to journal until there was something not a downer to log. Health and posture problems and some schedule upheaval combined with several weeks, maybe even months, of feeling like my practice was grinding to a dead end and I don't have what it takes and so on. I think it's been a mistake that I never asked about my location on the nanas. For some reason, I didn't think I'd reached the dark night nanas, but actually believed a fair amount of my thoughts and feelings. Especially after reading and listening to the very helpful testimonies, it seems very likely now that I was dark nighting combined with some rough bumps in the road and some plain neurotic psychological and emotional baggage. Reached a point where I felt like I needed to change my orientation and what I now see as a fixation on equating more time on the mat with practice progress. Somehow this seemed to block me from finding my practice sufficiently off the mat, though it didn't make sense to me so I wouldn't believe it.

For better or for worse I changed my practice to trying to question as frequently as possible "what knows this?" (a practice I was assigned years ago by a Zen teacher and have dabbled with but not previously really taken on). I just try to register what ever is noticable but then let it go with the question "what knows?". This seems to result in a much less manipulative approach. Sometimes it feels as if mind and body are just hanging there in the face of the question. For now I don't get bogged down in the performance anxiety that had been getting me for awhile with the noting instructions. Recently it's been seeming like I go from 3rd to 4th nana within 10 minutes. At an all day sitting today, 3rd to 4th seemed real obvious, then for the first time it seemed likely I was catching a fairly quick shift to 5th. On the lookout for possible dukkha nanas I was surprised to find that dukkha-esque stuff was relatively subtle and easily covered over by habitual attempts to regain a better state or by distracted thought. Probably wouldn't have noticed them if not in such a state-detached mode. Since I think this is a 2nd gear practice, I wasn't sure if nana progression would still happen as with noting. Seems to. In retrospect, maybe I should have stuck through the craziness with my noting practice. But for now with momentum in my current practice, and a sense that I'm exploring approaching practice a liitle more holistically, I want to just stick with this.

Hi Mark,

Like the tortoise pic.

Sounds very much like you got plopped into the dukkha nanas and any life "stuff" got exhasberated. I know how that goes. They made me feel like I was making absolutely no progress. But the truth is, in hindsight , it was all progress. It's a shame these stages can suck so much and influence us so easily. But they can also pass by quite uneventfully at times as you experienced. In my experience the nanas passed quickly by when taking the witness perspective. That is the whole riding the jhanic arc Kenneth teaches. The jhanic arc includes the nanas that arent jhanas.

I think you may have found your way out of the mindset of "no progress". I would allow that mindset to float on by. Note or Witness it and maybe change the pic to a hare. Keep on progressing!!!!


Nick