Monson notes III

Seems like the right time to start with new pages.
As previously mentioned, my mind (for want of a better term) wants samatha jhana now.
I just sat in my office here at work for 50 minutes and I am ... this close.
By that I mean as long as I am noting the rising falling or in and out of my breath I am compelled towards what I know is the state of mind and the bliss of I guess the first jhana. I'm just not quite at the point where I enter and stay in a real steady way yet. I'm circling. But it's getting stronger and stronger each sit.
Remember that I've never really gotten there before so I'll be reporting something brand new to me.
In a way I'm more excited about this than I was about path and frutions because way way before I knew about SE I knew about samatha jhanas and worked and worked and worked to get there and never could.
I'm talking years here. The first time I can remember sitting and watching my breath at the nostrils and feeling the bliss START to come on and then go away was probably 1977.
A big part of my motivation to get to first path was because I'd heard so many people say once they got path they all of a sudden were able to access samatha jhanas. So, I was a bit disapointed when it didn't just happen automatically for me. It's taking some work and, like I've implied, it seems to be kind of happening in many ways without my help.

Go MIke go.

"
Go MIke go.

"

Thanks, man.
I think I"ll be laughing at some jokes for the first time for a while here.

And manifesting ninjas, superman and a cooler acrobatic version of yourself.

Nick, I heard about your recent pursuits. Jealous. I wants a little mario I can make jump on things when I am bored. Better get cracking on them candles...

Aaaaagh! Don't worry about that! Go for 4th path. Distractions later!!!!!!!

True...

Back to noting mind state

After the first hits of path and fruition(s) I basked in bliss that was sweet and heavy.
Lately -- there is light and lightness

50 min
rising falling
I'm not breathing
there is breathing
no one is breathing
something rides the breaths and thinks it is breathing but it is not

not a lot to write about on my sits these days. i guess in a way i'm shifting some of my focus from vipassana so I can get and then develop some samatha skills.
I'm pretty fascinated by my friends here who've gotten SE in the past year or two and talk about going up and down the jhanic arc sometimes up to number 13. I wonder what that is like and what it means and I think I'll probably work on it until I can do it to and then it'll be no big deal?
and, when I sit my mind just goes there, you know? there is an irresistable pull and energy to pure concentration and it feels silly to resist it.
I don't even feel like I have to think about it or plan it or reflect on it -- I swear, my brain is teaching me samatha meditation. If i heard someone else say that i'd be so sceptical but that is really how it feels.

off the cushion I'm just staying gently aware of things and I'm in a good place in that I'm learning to just let myself and everything else be itself naturally without resistence or analysis. it's nice.

yesterday I went through a lot of patches of fear and disgust and misery and the rest. a lot of it was very uncomfortable and a lot of it was just okay, just what was happening. i guess this is cycling, right?
A lot of these dark night feelings seem to center around the tension of self indentity -- like my "self" is fearing for it's life.

"not a lot to write about on my sits these days. i guess in a way i'm shifting some of my focus from vipassana so I can get and then develop some samatha skills.
I'm pretty fascinated by my friends here who've gotten SE in the past year or two and talk about going up and down the jhanic arc sometimes up to number 13. I wonder what that is like and what it means and I think I'll probably work on it until I can do it to and then it'll be no big deal?
and, when I sit my mind just goes there, you know? there is an irresistable pull and energy to pure concentration and it feels silly to resist it.
I don't even feel like I have to think about it or plan it or reflect on it -- I swear, my brain is teaching me samatha meditation. If i heard someone else say that i'd be so sceptical but that is really how it feels.

off the cushion I'm just staying gently aware of things and I'm in a good place in that I'm learning to just let myself and everything else be itself naturally without resistence or analysis. it's nice.

yesterday I went through a lot of patches of fear and disgust and misery and the rest. a lot of it was very uncomfortable and a lot of it was just okay, just what was happening. i guess this is cycling, right?
A lot of these dark night feelings seem to center around the tension of self indentity -- like my "self" is fearing for it's life. "

Great post, Mike. Maybe amping up the concentration is precisely what you need to take your vipassana practice to the next level. Seems like following your instincts here is probably a good idea.

Instinct it may be but I always felt it was more biology. At some point the natural draw into the jhanic states is just overwhelming. I used to walk around all day with a buzz on because of it. I still do some days. If that's the nature of the feeling you have, Mike, then hell yeah, go with it.

I think I know what Nik means by the "iron skull cap."
Last night I was alone in a hotel room in SF. Completely unusual for me to be totaly alone with no family or dogs or potential visitors or phone calls. I'm always kind of ready for a kid to need me, my wife to come into the room for something, the dogs to start barking. Last night, there were no distractions (at first there was the sound of people out on the street yelling F you! mother F''er to each other but I turned on the AC to drown that out) and it was certainly different.
Anyway, I decided to START with the eye flutter, third eye vibration fruition thing and then go from there.
What happens after the initial couple of bliss waves and jerk awake sensations is all this sort of pent-up energy gathers around the third eye and then sort of takes up the entire head. It feels like it all wants to go somewhere but has no where to go, at least not yet. I can't tell if I'm just resisting something or what.
So I kind of stayed there for a while while synching with the vibes behind the eyes. Things changed but the constant at first was this upward pulling pressure and energy and the heaviness all around the head and neck.
The skull cap would be relieved somewhat if I straightened up a bit and lowered my head slightly.
Gradually my concentration and focus moved downward to my nostrils and the breath sensations there and I just made sure to be aware as much as possible of each in breath and each out breath.
I'd feel a pull toward what I think would be a samatha jhana and then kind of start to think about it and the pull would end and then I'd go back to the breath and get the pull and then think about it and.... on and on.
I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Vipassana? Samatha? If feels like practice but I'm a little lost, which is fine.

Mike,

That's a good description of the way I am seeing it as well. I'm guessing it is some sort of development going on in there. Recently a lot of the pressure and what not has died down / become less unpleasant.

Hey Mike,

Sounds like you are approaching 2nd path territory where jhanas and energy stuff start to come into play. THere is nothing more you can do except keep doing what you are doing. Have fun!!!!

wow, interesting.
family and work stress got me today. me. mike monson. outwardly I only lost it a little bit but inwardly I'm way overstressed.
here is the thing: all this is fine. fine. my father role can be rough sometimes and when you are a litigation paralegal in trial things get real bad real fast and they don't let up until the trial is over.
I think that the only way the fact that I'm way stressed is really a problem is if i for some reason had/have the opinion that I'm somehow enlightened or so advanced in insight that i will always be able to roll with all things and never get stressed and never show the strain.
There was a little bit of that for a while before it was dropped, luckily.

I'm in a very stressful period, too, Mike. Like the sense of self, stress will never go away. When it arises it arises. The key is to watch it, not own it, not be it, and know it's okay. It's always okay.

"
I'm in a very stressful period, too, Mike. Like the sense of self, stress will never go away. When it arises it arises. The key is to watch it, not own it, not be it, and know it's okay. It's always okay.

"

nice, thanks

still, 'no fixed view' is one of the best, instant suffering reducing things I know. seriously, all I have to do is remember the words and I get instant relief from pain. it's closely related to disembeding for me, which is closely related to total surrender.
I'm realizing the last couple of days while sitting that "no fixed view" is also a great way to approach meditations and all the possible expectations of what may happen. just sit and do the practice with no fixed view creates such an open approach

I sat three times yesterday.
First one, I started with the eye-fluttering fruition-inducing practice. this induced fruitions as well as massive energy surges up the spine. My "intention" was to do a straight vipassana sit and stay with the breath and note objects. But, as soon as I started this I just got stronger and stronger pulls into samatha jhanas. I'd get deeper and deeper and closer and closer and then do something (think, analyze, resist?) which would pull me out of the state, and then I'd relax again and start to note and get pulled again. I felt like I got really close and felt some intense pleasure.
then, I thought about it a lot.
Second sit, I went straight to trying to enter samatha jhanas and it was more flat and not like the first sit.
so after that sit I realized that I was trying too hard.
Third sit: as soon as I sat down and just relaxed the pull towards the jhana state was overwhealming. As long as I didn "do" anything my mind just tried to go there. The pull was irresistible -- almost. I did resist through thinking about it and just by not really getting it at first. but, then, when it seemed like I was just about "in" I started to get some pretty intense chest pains that frightened me a bit. Once I stopped meditating they went away but when i started meditating and got back into a more jhanic state they came back. So I stopped.
As an overweight 54-year-old with high cholesterol and high blood pressure I get a little concerned with chest pains. They didn't come back after the last sit. We'll see later today if they come back -- I hope not.
I'm in one of those phases right now (been about a week) where I'm feeling like a LOT of progress is being made, especially in the area of not suffering. I want to write about it and talk about it and think about it and nail it down, but something tells me to shut the F up about it for now and just enjoy it.

re samatha jhanas:
I don't know if it is clear or not (for those of you keeping score ) but I haven't yet learned how to get into the samatha jhanas and then stay a while and then go up and down from one to the other, etc.
what is happening is that Mike Monson wants to be able to do that for his practice and, it seems, the 'progress of insight' process that I am in is just trying to show them to me. I know that sounds weird and doesn't make sense but it sure feels like that is what is happening.
So, a lot of my sitting practice right now is just letting myself slowly learn how to do samatha. It's fun.

Without intending I long ago chanced upon a way of entering deep jhana which is effortless and natural. Depending on the sensations and other kinds of stuff arising it can be more or less difficult to allow this to happen but it can't hurt to try. If anyone else is interested here is what I do.

Get comfortable, sitting or laying down. Give attention to the breath. When other sensations or what have you arise just note it and let go, returning to the breath. Notice the subtle pleasantness of natural breathing in comparison to whatever else arises be it thoughts or sensations. This aids in returning and staying with that subtle natural breath sensation.

As the pleasant breath sensation grows strong and prominent allow the sensation to slowly and naturally spread to fill the whole body. As this pleasant awareness becomes steady and consistent just allow it to persist naturally. As it persists observe it as it is. Awareness will slowly and naturally let go the grosser qualities of the phenomena, the sensation of breathing itself, the pleasant feeling of the sensation, the pleasant feeling of unity of consciousness in the body. When these forms fall away the spacious and empty qualities of the mind remain. As these qualities are noted, let each of these fall away also. When the spaciousness and unboundedness of formless awareness falls away only awareness of nothing remains. Letting go of nothingness only awareness remains, incapable of making either subject or object of that simplicity. Letting go that simplicity there is the complete cessation of perception and feeling in every possible regard. That is the supreme peace that remains after these layers are all let go.

From beginning to end this is about letting go whatever attention clings to and the revealing of subtler kinds of peace until the deepest peace is revealed. No need for anxiety over letting go as all the other 'things' will still be there upon returning.

wow EIGHT days since my last report?
Even I'm starting to think I'm boring
Anyway, for what it is worth:
I've noticed that when I reflect on or see any changes post-path in my daily life, the way i describe it is this:
everything is the same: what I see, what I feel; the only difference is that I very rarely create a "story" out of all the objects.
By "story" i guess I mean try to identify with them and create some kind of meaning as a way to cope and deal with anything uncomfortable or confusing.
Work is a great example. If a day was hard/stressful my habit was always to create SOME kind of drama in my head and then often in real life to deal with that. Now, more often than not, the stuff just comes up and goes and I'm too busy with the new present to get caught up. Same with my kids, my wife, etc.
This whole thing has made my world so much bigger and I feel so much more intimate with everything.
There you go.

'By "story" i guess I mean try to identify with them and create some kind of meaning as a way to cope and deal with anything uncomfortable or confusing.
Work is a great example. If a day was hard/stressful my habit was always to create SOME kind of drama in my head and then often in real life to deal with that. Now, more often than not, the stuff just comes up and goes and I'm too busy with the new present to get caught up. ' Wow. That's why I don't miss your journal. What about the "if I lose my job, my family will lose nearly everything" story?

"'By "story" i guess I mean try to identify with them and create some kind of meaning as a way to cope and deal with anything uncomfortable or confusing.
Work is a great example. If a day was hard/stressful my habit was always to create SOME kind of drama in my head and then often in real life to deal with that. Now, more often than not, the stuff just comes up and goes and I'm too busy with the new present to get caught up. ' Wow. That's why I don't miss your journal. What about the "if I lose my job, my family will lose nearly everything" story?"

thanks, man.
my work stories have been like this:
1. boss yells or at least speaks or emails in harsh unkind unfair way
2. I have very uncomfortable feelings of fear and anger that I strongly identify with.
3. I can't handle number 3 above for a variety of reasons.
4. I think and think and think about what he said, how I"m feeling, how unfair it was.
5. I start to decide that I must DO something about this.
6. I tell my wife and friends all about it. usually they sympathize and agree that it is unfair what the boss did.
7. I think and think and think some more.
8. I come up with some kind of plan -- I'll go to my supervisor and complain, I'll threaten to quit, I'll decide to go and have some kind of conference with the boss and maybe HIS boss to discuss this unfair thing ( I never actually do this, I just obsess over it).
9. etc., until it all plays out somehow and hopefully I haven't done something to make it way worse.

Variations of this of various extremes WERE the norm.

And, yes, I used to LOVE to imagine what would happen if I lost my job and then try to picture the snowball effect of no longer having money or health insurance and how it would ruin me and my family. That is some story that of course comes true for people from time to time, right? Like every day.