Mark's Practice Notes

Hi all.

I am starting this journal with the encouragement of Kenneth, who thought it might be useful for both myself and perhaps other if I share my experience. I've worked the intro to my journal into a few different parts to get started: 1) background, 2) the last year's experience, 3) working with Kenneth, and 4) recent breakthrough and aftermath. Skip to parts 3 and 4 for the current situation.

Background

I'm 35, married, I teach and I'm a psychologist. I have a 4 year old boy and do a good amount of childcare when not working. I have a good deal of water under the bridge in terms of practice, non-Buddhist mostly, so I'll touch on that.

My main orientation is Tantric Hindu (Kashmir Shaivism). I received what is known as shaktipat (energetic transmission) from my teacher (Gurumayi Chidvilasananda) when I was 17 and had a notable kundalini awakening about a year later. I had a consistent daily practice for seven years and did a number of shorter weekend retreats with her in the next eight years or so. I still consider her my main teacher, though she has been on a hiatus from public teaching for some time.

Background cont...

Since she went on hiatus I've practiced a good deal on my own--usually several times a week, give or take--and have also worked a neo-Advaita teacher named Mokshananda, who is a devotee of Gurumayi's and was one of the early teachers appointed by Adyashanti. During the last seven years or so I've been developing a 2nd gear practice (entering the witness by shifting attention) as well as something of a 3rd gear practice (surrendering, no-effort, and also questioning the idea that I am "not enlightened."). Both have been incredibly helpful, though I'm not sure how deep my 3rd gear is or isn't.

The reason I contacted Kenneth was that his 3 Gear model put together a huge number of my own thoughts and experiences in an elegant way. His story was also resonant with my own--lots of anxiety and depression along the way. Most key, though I've had lots of insights and experiences--including my first real satori last year--I still feel pulled and "on the ride" and am looking for guidance on how to proceed. In my opinion, the advantages of Tantric practice is that there is a lot of transmission, an integrated approach to practice, and a very tangible (embodied) spirituality. The advantage of neo-Advaita practice is the encouragement to question and to witness, and the jnana (knowledge) and attitude readjustment towards more non-striving. But neither specializes in the nitty-gritty technical know how that Buddhist approaches seems to have or that Kenneth in particular seems to have. So when Kenneth reframed Buddhism for me as essentially a kundalini practice (I know that is simplifying a bit) that really opened up things for me and I was quite interested in it.

Background cont...


I am pulled towards and away formal practice, and have found that I can only "handle" so much in one bite. I find kundalini a bit too intense and too much practice--and longer sits--counterproductive or just maybe difficult. I usually burn out after a few days of retreat, so have always done shorter ones and have tried to take a slow and steady approach.

Last Year/1st Gear

I've clarified some of what I say here just since starting work with Kenneth about two weeks back and spending some time noting.

During the last year I've had basically the same kind of kriya-energetic cycle happening when I do a 1st gear meditative practice. My practice is usually lying down--I find corpse pose encourages me to relax, which has historically been an issue. I often use ear plugs. I sometimes do mantra, but usually I just tune into my energy state, feelings, etc. and try to watch them as a complete field without getting too distracted (sometimes this is easier, sometime not). I sometimes consciously sit with with feelings, other times I try to allow them to "dissolve."

Meditations would start out with entrance into some kind of pleasant (I wouldn't call it deeply blissful) absorption state where I would feel kundalini vibrations all over the body, though mostly on the surface at first. My sense of reality shifts enough immediately so that if I open my eyes right after the room/physical reality seems different, distant and unreal. Continuing with eyes closed, I would move into a loss-of-concentration phase, where vibrations and energy would intermix with all kinds of thoughts and emotions would arise and I'd be distracted by. Usually issues going on during the day or in my life.

Last Year/1st Gear cont...

Then after some time, maybe a 3-15 minutes, the energy would move more to my head and I'd be more focused within my visual field. This would be accompanied by intense pressure in my forehead, particularly along the brow, and a certain (very frustrating) sense of being blocked and feeling mentally contracted. The pressure would then, without a lot of warning, become very intense--my eyes would roll up and would strain very hard. My mouth would go up in a grimace and my visual field would flicker and I would hear a kind of clicking (I think the sound of my facial muscles contracting via the ear plugs). My mind would go semi-blank and my head would feel like it was about to "pop off." Then my eyes would relax and I would see what in my tradition they would call the "blue pearl"--a small blue spot of light in my visual field. That would kind of move in and out of focus for a few seconds, then I would move out of the feeling of absorption and basically start the cycle over again. This would happen about 2-3 times during a 20-30 minute meditation session.

Occasionally I would be pulled very briefly into a deeper state of absorption at the end of the cycle--the blue pearl becoming more intense and my visual field turning much darker and my mind getting more absorbed. I haven't been able to stay in this state for very long. I don't know if it just isn't ready, or if I kind of get over-excited and kick myself out, or both.

Working With Kenneth

I did my first session with Kenneth about two weeks back in which he taught me his noting out loud technique. I worked with that for two days or so and what I noticed that the cycles of began to move more rapidly, like 5-6 times per 25-30 minute sit, 7-8 during a 40 minute. I was also quite surprised that the technique didn't interfere too much with my ability to get absorbed (a little, but not a lot).

Here's a bit of a transcribed (recorded) noting session I did the second day, taking me through about two of these kriya cycles. I am totally new to noting, so I noted where my attention went every few sections and just tried to make up my own vocab. I noted my way through the whole thing, even the grimaces. I'm also a verbal person, so these are just the phrases that came up that seemed to objectify the sensation. This is about five minutes worth of time...

Weekend Retreat/Breakthrough

The weekend was basically comprised of asana, chanting, meditation and scriptural stuff. During some breaks I did noting walks and worked with the eyes positions from the wheel.

Even though I wasn't noting, the cycles continued to move rapidly during the weekend meditations. Also, they are really strong--pain in the head area was extra intense and the terminal states of absorption were stronger than usual. During one meditation it felt like I essentially forgot who "I" was; not just receded or become transparent, but dissipated. I had a lot of back and neck bending back kriyas which went along with the usual grimacing, eye straining, etc.

The second day was was filled intense states but also a lot of grief, disgust, nausea, etc. in between.

Working With Kenneth cont...

"Pulsing in the head, tension in the forehead, pain in the arms, wandering mind, pulsing in the brow, pain in the knees, pulsing in the third eye, tension in the back, lump in the throat, swallowing, deep breath, breath in the nostrils, pulsing in the brow, vibration in the arms, pulsing in the head, discomfort in the ear, anxiety in the chest, tension in the chest, pain in the heart, sadness, sadness in the eyes, sadness in the eyes, sadness in the eyes, exhalation, deep breath, pulsing in the head, squinting eyes, grimace, flickering, clicking, blue pearl, blue pearl, relaxing, lightness, tension in the third eye, discomfort in the ear, boredom, boredom, shallow breath, boredom, subtle pulsing in the face, disgust, nausea, eyes roll, tension in the forehead, squinting, grimace, tension in the head, squinting, flickering, head back, relax..."

I did a session with him two days later and he taught me the wheel. I then headed off later that day for a weekend retreat with a teacher in my root tradition.

Breakthrough cont...

The second night I was meditating in my bed. The cycle went as usual and, after the head and eye movements, I was pretty absorbed in a lot of blue light in my visual field. Then something just "popped"--it felt like a small fluid release in my forehead and all of a sudden this kind of perceptual space opened up in my mind and a certain sense of straining or mental working was gone. I don't really know how to describe it. It's like there was an element of my frontal cortex that was actively working to think and construct reality just relaxed--and I knew this and was frustrated by it because it was physically uncomfortable and also kept me psychologically feeling quite "contracted." This contracted feeling has come and gone a lot during the past few years, depending a lot on my state, but it would reliably return much to my disapointment. But after this pop it felt like it shifted, like there isn't energy straining there to get in, there is more of a fluidly feeling in my forehead.

Aftermath

The same feeling of having shifted was there when I woke in the morning and has been there since, though some of the "wow" factor has dissipated. As far as I can tell I don't feel like I'm a different person per se--I can think and feel the same, but there's a way in which I feel more peaceful and more detached from myself. When negative feelings come up, there is more natural detachment, more room to step back. Spacially, there is now a lot more "room" in my mental field on top when I tune in, not nearly the sense of hitting a "mental wall."

In the few sessions I've done since then, I notice that my entrance into meditation is quicker and stronger. The energetic cycle in meditation is similar, just that there doesn't seem to be a block in my brow now, if feels like the energy travels there more easily and goes up farther. Also, more rapid eye squints in addition to longer eye contractions. I am sensing more energy focused in the top chakra; it seems to have a different quality than was focused before.

Last night I noticed "waves" of kundalini in my body, and they seem to move unimpeded. The waves aren't new per se, but the feeling of freedom to move and fluidly is.

Another notable thing: I have had very strong resistance to putting myself into 2nd gear witnessing since this event. Maybe I'm just tired, but physically, it feels like trying to do so shifts the energy in my head in an uncomfortable way. It was somewhat uncomfortable before, with pain in the middle of the head, but it didn't feel like an unpleasant contraction once I was there (more like a nice breather from being enmeshed). Now though it feels, for the moment, weirdly unnessesary or forced. Like it would be a step backwards. Not sure what to make of this.

I spoke to Kenneth right after all this happened, before he went on vacation. He suggested I might (emphasis on might) have hit 1st path. This experience definitely is one of the most pronounced shifts I've had in terms of post-state stabilizing. But then again I've had a lot happen before, so I can't tell.

Mark I'm pretty familiar with that pain associated with witness practice. I found that the transition from 5th Jhana to 6th brought that sensation up really hard until recently (just this tight, uncomfortable sensation right where the spine and skull come together also pressure in the front of the head and at the crown from time to time). I kinda took a liking to it though, because like dukkha nanas, it was a really obvious landmark. Lately it has stopped being like that and things flow much more smoothly.

Thank mumuwu--

One thing I am trying to get an understanding is of the jhanas--how to spot them and know where I am. I don't get it yet.

It's been much easier for me to find the witness while walking then during sitting/sivasana practice. I can do it during the latter, but it's not as intuitive, or at least not as clear. So I'm not sure whether I cycle through those 5th-6th jhanas during sitting or whether I've just figured out a way to get 2nd gear without going through the jhanas.

This is one reason I'm interested in Kenneth's work--my practice has felt a bit disjointed, so I'm trying to see how all the pieces fit.

So what is 5th jhana in your words vs. 6th jhana? How do you know when you've moving through those two as opposed to just arriving there via 2nd gear practice?

-- Mark

After 4th Jhana, where I am aware of all this content in a panoramic way, at some point the space containing all of this content becomes prevalent and if I let my mind stay with that sensation of space it gets deeper. Eventually that which is aware of that space becomes prevalent and a the space seems to loop back at a particular central point which seems to be located behind the eyes toward the back of the head and perhaps behind my body to some extent.

In terms of the witnesss, it never really became 100% certain for me if I was doing it right until I was clearly getting into 6th Jhana (and having been familiar with the witness - as you are - helped me recognize 6th Jhana).

You spot the Jhanas by going through them over and over again. You will also see how there's an overlap between vipassana jhanas and samatha jhanas.

The best way to figure out Jhanas is to just work on noting practice until you get through a few insight cycles and Jhanas become easier and they will pretty much show themselves to you in order if you hold the witness in focus and let the Jhanic arc develop in the background.

edit:
Oh also about arriving there via 2nd gear practice, do you mean arriving at the 6th Jhana or second gear practice itself? The instant I turn my attention to the witness I am doing 2nd gear practice. Holding it there will usually cause the Jhanas to present themselves in order up to my cutting edge and then it will reverse itself back down to 1st jhana.

Lastly, the witness is available in all states, so you don't need to be getting to 6th Jhana to access it. I was doing witness practice for years before I could access 6th Jhana. You can use the witness practice to go beyond 6th Jhana (where it is most obvious).

Hi mumuwu.

Your description of the physical "location" of the witness definitely matches mine.

Last night during sivasana meditation I worked consciously at shifting into the witness--it wasn't that hard with a little intent. I could witness and stayed absorbed and tell that I was shifting states a bit. But when I let go of the witness (or maybe just "lost" the witness) the energetic/absorptive states intensified though. It seems like quite a trick to be fully absorbed in a deep state and keep the witness, as they seem to require two different energetic states. I am wondering if this witness needs to drop off at a certain point up the arc?

Anyway, that is just me speculating. The reality is that I just am not educated enough on the nature of jhanas to be able to spot them as they happen--that's where I need to work, working with Kenneth to shift up and down the arc and get familiar with naming where I am. I've only had two sessions though, and this is a whole new system, so I'm optimistic.

Mark

P.S. When I just do straight 2nd gear practice--intend to enter the witness and do--I do notice absorption and change of state. I usually do this while walking though, so I don't go as deep into absorption as when I sit. Same basic problem remains as far as practice goes--I can't correctly name the jhanas anyway, so I don't know where my 2nd gear takes me in that sense or not.

I've been working the past few days hard on trying to figure out the jhanas and notice the arc. I've been reading as well as watching my own meditations more carefully. I've been inspired by something I read by Kenneth that recognizing jhanas is like recognizing musical chords--when you've heard them over and over again it gets easier. I think in my case I've heard a lot of the chords a number of times but have never had anything more than a basic language--like absorbed vs. not, or mild vs. intense--to describe them.

I did a noting walk today, and here's what I've got based on this as well as my past couple of meditations... trying to not just ape Kenneth's descriptions but put in my own words...

If kundalini is active and your body is "used to" the energy, the shift from a baseline waking consciousness to the noticing energy is immediate. However, the energy is noticed intermixed with a lot of solid physical sensations. This I am thinking are the material jhanas, 1-3.

During the 1st 3 jhanas I noticed today breathing, my feet, light pressures and vibrations in the head and the body, along with more diffuse feelings of energetic movement. My attention--what I feel pulled to note--goes to these basic bodily processes. I think I've also noticed that these stages almost always include brief feelings of anxiety, nausea, and disgust in the abdomen. The early nanas? Also some second chakra energy. Like the energy is moving some sense up the chakras and must activate lower ones.

Then at some point attention and energy shifts to the head, the focus is the visual field and what gets noted are primarily mental and head related phenomena--everything moves upstairs. So what I want to note becomes higher chakras, thoughts (planning, evaluating, etc.), and also changes in the visual field (like expansion, greater clarity, etc.). So we're now in the immaterial jhanas 5-8.

What I guess was a little confusing, is that in the immaterial jhanas one still is aware of the body and sensations, but that isn't where attention goes.

Also, I am thinking there is some brief moment when the physical dissolves a bit and the energy goes to the head--perhaps this is jhana 4 or A&P but not dramatic? I don't know this but am wondering.

Anyway, after the energy moves to the head there is a significant feeling of absorption despite the thoughts that run through. Eventually I noticed that the witness was really present, clear and pristine. Based on what mumuwu said, I figured this was 6th jhana. i was able to stay here and just noticed how "loud" the witness was in my awareness, how expanded and clearer my vision became. This felt a bit different going up the arc as opposed to entering the witness via straight 2nd gear. I don't know though... I don't know how unconsciously I've been engaging the arc while thinking I was just entering 2nd gear.

After staying in the 6th(?) for a bit, I remembered Kenneth saying something about how the best way to enter 7 is to let 6 go. So I "surrendered" what I thought was 6th and had this feeling that the energy moved so that it was coming out of my 7th chakra is a very subtle way, in curved lines, towards an infinite point. Something like that. Was able to stay there for a bit.

Then I noticed my attention collapsed, and there was a descent of energy back down to the body, back to somewhere in the 1-3. I realized this "crash" has happened thousands of times, but I've always judged it as negative and annoying as opposed to just the natural arc. So this much felt like a big insight.

Ok. That's it. Lots of unknowns and impressions.

A big question that is coming up is how different the power of sitting vs. walking feels energetically. Much stronger sitting and the terminal states are much more pronounced. It didn't feel like I could go too much higher (or had) during walking meditations--maybe one more shift to be had, not much more.

But sitting it feels like I've gone further. So that is a big thing I am going to try and clarify for myself.

"Then I noticed my attention collapsed, and there was a descent of energy back down to the body, back to somewhere in the 1-4. I realized this 'crash' has happened thousands of times, but I've always judged it as negative and annoying as opposed to just the natural arc. So this much felt like a big insight."-Mark

Yes! People miss the descent if they think they should be staying "up high" the whole time. But once you understand that it is an arc and that what goes up must come down, you don't have to stop meditating every time the energy reverses. You can ride the arc up and down, becoming part of the flow of nature. It's like exhalation when breathing: not as invigorating as inhalation, but it is a welcome and necessary part of the natural cycle.

Thanks Kenneth! Yes, this feels like a HUGE misstep I've been making for the last several years, getting pissed at myself and getting upset about my lack of concentration when it is a natural arc and of course I'm descending. I guess I think I had this unconscious attachment to the idea, even though I sort of knew better and had been told, that I was supposed to be doing "hard jhanas" all the time. The arc makes so much more sense!

Tonight I did my sit--about 30 minutes--following along with the video of Kenneth and Nick. I wanted to see if I could listen and resonate through the jhanas and get a sense of where I'm at.

Disclaimer and reflection: It feels like I am trying very hard to rapidly learn something--to really understand meditative states--that I've wanted to know for over fifteen years. I'd really sort of given up and been focusing entirely on my off the cushion psychological states; how light my sense of self felt and how often forgetfulness of self would arise (or its opposite).

That was a great focus, but now it feels like with this approach I am onto a whole other thing I've wanted to know. The outcome is that it's making my mind a little manic and hyperfocused in a way I am cautious about. Particularly after a good three-five years of trying to take a 3rd gear attitude, I am wary of how badly part of me wants to know and whether I am tricking myself. Not that I expect people are slogging through my long ass posts (I doubt it), but I am trying to stay centered, which is tricky. Like having starved, I am now eating a meal and trying to do mindful chewing. Not easy!

Anyway, with that I could-be-way-off disclaimer, it felt like I could follow in terms of state up through the 11th jhana until I crashed out.

The tenth had the crown focus, as Kenneth and Nick were saying; a vibration and pulse in a circle at the top, and subtle energy like a kind of light, wet rain coming down on my head. A sense of upward energy within the head itself, not a focused "rod" of energy, but more like a stream really noticeable from the middle of the head moving up through the crown. Also, a lots of tension in the third eye area, with an eye roll up and strain with that (though not at it's highest strain level).

The loss of painful tension at the 3rd eye is really interesting, as that is what felt like it "broke" during my retreat two weeks ago. There can be tension there now, but it is much less than before. It feels like the energy flows through so much easier than previously; I still am caught off guard by it. I am getting a lot more energy and sensation in the crown than before. Jhana 10 didn't feel entirely new territory--I can't say for sure--but a major change is that it feels a great deal easier to move there and stabilize than prior to whatever that 3rd eye breakthrough was.

Then I came down, back to the 3rd eye, as Kenneth instructed, and feel the combination of body-energy and incredible sense of physical rootedness that Nick described as jhana 11. It was like a hybrid-state of previous jhanas (an integration of body and head awarenesses), but somehow different and more potent feeling; a bit magical in some way.

Then, after that, my concentration totally crashed, so I don't know if I could have followed to 12. I was pushing my concentration at point to stay with it--no surprises, 25-30 minutes is about the my limit in general before I start to flag.

I just finished sitting again with Kenneth's and Nick's videos. Was able to follow again, but went one stage higher into 12. I am writing right after--this feels like the best practice tool I've ever engaged, or maybe I'm just ready for it. But WOW.

Some reflections...

9 - This jhana feels like a band of energy around the head on front, at the level of the third eye. I get the image of a tennis headband, or that kind of hair thing girls wear that goes over the front and divides the hair in two. Don't know what it's called. This jhana feels like where the breakthrough was... allowing the energetic space of this jhana to feel complete. I resonate when Kenneth and Nick talk about the freedom with this one, like sticking your head out of the car window. I actually wonder if that isn't just a good metaphor, but a bit of the description of nervous system activity going on. Something about the rising energy in the facial nerves up to the 3rd eye, kind of like the wind.

10 - Very similar to last night. There was something about it, but now I can't recall. A sense of exhilaration maybe.

11 - I agree with Kenneth that this feels like a complete circuit with the 3rd eye in the loop. He said the top was still open. What I noticed is that the crown chakra feels active, vibrating, but not complete (not fluid-y). The 3rd eye feels fluid, full, complete. The image I get is that of a loop of energy that is solid, full, over which the crown chakra is buzzing, working, involved in some way--like a fuzzy, flickering lightbulb or like one of those mosquito lamps.

12 - This felt like a full energy rush up to the crown, totally blissful. What I also really noticed is that the sense of self begins to dissolve. Almost as if I am lifting off from the lower self. This also seems like the terminal state I've been flirting with as a result of the kriya cycle, as I noticed that the blue pearl got darker and my "mind" (self) felt like it gets so deeply absorbed that it is about to go away. Don't know how else to say it.

That felt like the difference between 12 and all the previous jhanas--in those jhanas, even though the sense of self is altered, expanded, and lightened--or shifts to the witness--at 12 it feels like it is about to really go away--there is a kind of temporary release from the contracted consciousness /self-reference that I am aware of during the previous states.

Putting this another way, the witness is still a contraction in consciousness. At 12, the contraction seems to go away.

Anyway, my concentration crashed out at 12, which feels like my limit (though I'll try to follow Kenneth to 13 soon and see what happens). 12 seems like what I have been flitting into briefly, right before I starting working with Kenneth. Now it feels like it is much more available. Tonight was certainly the longest I've stabilized there--which couldn't have been more than two minutes.

Final insight for my nightly deluge of posting: It seems like a lot of the eye straining, grimacing, etc. are involved in jhanic transitions--they happen when the energy seems to want to move or expand. This is an observation I'm just playing with, but I noticed it last night as well. I had been thinking this kriya was doing only one jhanic trick, but it seems like it might have a more general purpose in energetic development.