Mark's Practice Notes

The cycle I was in seemed to have passed. Feeling a lot better.

Last night did 40 minute lying down session. I could not figure out where I was or what was happening. A lot of energy all over, a lot of kriyas, intense altered states. The contraction at the solar plexus/heart came up again. I sat with it for a while, just like a pure spot of anxiety. I was able to begin to witness how the feeling there seemed to contribute to a certain line of anxious, self-doubting thinking. Eventually I went back to basics and started deep breathing into the spot. That seemed to help a lot, the spot became warm and more alive.

Also, there was a moment last night when I experienced a "pop" in my forehead that reminded me of my breakthrough. Visually, I saw the blue pearl and it turned from a dot into a color wave ripple and there was a sense of space and bliss along with it. A possible re-experiencing of the fruition? I don't know.

Have done two sessions since this one and am feeling a lot calmer. Like I am starting to integrate the wide ride I've been on for the past three-four weeks--particularly watching it come back together with the 2nd and 3rd gear practices I'd been doing before. I'm beginning to spot the witness in different jhanas. Interesting, the energy of the witness (at the very top, back of the head) seems to be able to function while the energetic states of the other jhanas are moving. Fascinating! Also, my sense of self feels a bit lighter and more transparent overall.

The other thing that is becoming clear is that the 13th (?) jhana is the key. Whatever it is, it is such a quiet, pristine, extroverted state. The extroverted part seems important--all that self-reflection and absorption seems left behind, a present illusion. It seems totally ironic that in order to see the "just is" outside one has to become so absorbed first inside (both psychologically and meditatively).

Anyway, it seems like that is the place I need to sit, in that state, as Awareness is so thinly veiled. I am sure there are more insights to be had.

The following seem to be the current goals of my practice.

1. Ride the arc and practice often, particularly sitting in 13 as much as possible.

2. Do basic practices to help clear the contraction in my solar plexus/heart.

3. Ride the insight cycle with as much honesty and detachment as possible.

4. Be willing to change these goals.

Drove into work today with intention of doing 2nd gear. As soon as I started my eyes starting blinking upward in the vipassana mode--which Kenneth taught me a few weeks back and I haven't practiced much at all. This blinking seems to correspond that my "self" blinking in and out of reality moment-to-moment. This started to happen last night during my evening meditation after intensely focusing on my heart chakra. This lasted for an hour.

This is quite weird state, but also relieving in a way. Like picking up a heavy weight and then being instantly reminded it's back on the ground. I am somewhat used to seeing my self as a continuous fiction, but not quite like this.

I got to say, my already anxious busy mind is churning with all the new information. One new development then something else. Just to note: Now I am wondering about the contrasts to this state and other states where the self seems to become empty and transparent, like a ghost, but is a ghost that has temporal continuity. No continuity here. Like the thing is taken apart piece-by-piece.

I am hoping by writing all this stuff down it releases it, and eventually my mind will get bored of talking about this stuff. I'd rather be living. I am hopeful, as my first posts on this journal already seem like dead paper.

dharma thought, practice thought, judging thought, etc....

A couple of hours after the Monday post I did a walking and short sitting meditation. I noted a lot of self-judgment, confusion, frustration, embarrassment. It was a lot of very old patterns and they felt extremely concrete, like it was all coming up. I noted through for about 15 minutes and the feelings became more subtle, but they kept going.

I sat on a bench and feeling of contracting got stronger. I am not sure what jhanas I was in or not in, though the energy was moving up through the head and focusing strong. At a certain point this incredible sadness and frustration came up and I just started praying to be off the ride--I was sick of it and done with the ups and downs. I think the prayer was to be shown some kind of sign or given some information that would help me finish

The thought came to just become very concentrated on what was happening now; I am most often thinking something else should be happening even when in deeper meditative states. So I focused in on the colors happening in the my visual field like that was the only thing that mattered. The colors briefly became more intense. Then my breath "caught" and held for what felt like a second or two.

When I exhaled there was there whoosh of energy out my head at the crown and a surge of relaxation. It felt like something broke through, much like my forehead had a few weeks earlier.

Sounds like dark night to me. Especially the desire for deliverance part.

What it felt like is that all of a sudden there was this whole new "space" open in my awareness at the top of my head extending out. Almost like I got ten feet taller. The space in my head felt fluid and there was energy buzzing there, but it didn't go back down as in the normal arc. It stayed there even when my awareness went back down the arc. I waited about fifteen minutes and the feeling didn't leave and it hasn't really gone away since, though I sometimes don't consciously notice.

I was expecting my mood would shift immediately, but it didn't. The sadness feeling lingered for a while along with sort of a shocked feeling. My mind went about trying to make sense of what had just happened. I talked to Kenneth later that day and he told me not to try and figure it out, and that really helped. I relaxed and had this feeling of doneness.

In this past 48 hours or so I've experienced the most peace I've ever had--the most transparent sense of self, the most detachment--along with all the regular feelings (boredom, longing, etc.) that were there before. But it is a lot easier to see these coming and easier to be with and let go of. I did not experience a total shift in my referentiality--like the big self and small self switched places. Things just seem lighter and much more transparent.

I haven't been able to meditate since this happened. It feels like the top of my head is really tender and soft, like it is growing new skin or like a muscle that needs to recover after a major work-out. I am also kind of exhausted from this past month of practice. When I occasionally end up "tuning in,' the buzzing is very strong at the top of my head and its feels like a new place has opened up.

I am trying not to call this anything, though I am drawn to read about meditation--that's about my limit right now. Part of me is excited about re-engaging meditation, as my sense if that I'll be able to go a new set of places. Another part of me is kind of disgusted as the idea of re-entering any type of practice with the the worldview that entails (i.e., "Now "I" am going to concentrate and try to move "myself" towards "enlightenment.")

Anybody got any thoughts or ideas?

Hi mumuwu. Yes, it was definitely a dark night. One thing I am really feeling is that the cycles have been happening fast; seems like every few days or even within a day from equanimity to dark night and back again. Even after the event described above, it still feels like this is happening.

Mark, I once heard Surya Das say, "If you can fall off of it, it isn't big enough."

In other words, don't worry about breaking it or messing it up. Relax. Do whatever you want. You will soon find the limitations of the new perspective, if any. You will practice when you feel drawn to practice. You don't have to handle your insight with kid gloves. Have some fun, and see where it all shakes out.

If you have come to the end of seeking, you don't have to worry about it returning, so you have nothing to lose by lightening up. And if you have not come to the end of seeking... well, you still have nothing to lose.

I once had someone tell me that I was the kind of person who liked to bang his head repeatedly against a wall just to make sure that it was a wall. What can I say, old habits die hard.

That said, I really appreciate the encouragement to lighten up and have a bit of fun and see what's what. I'll let you know. That line from Surya is great!

-- Mark

Since my last experiential post I've noticed the following things...

1. I was pulled to start practicing again about 2 days after my top chakra popped. The major shift I've noticed is that I feel, generally speaking, much more detached. There is an energetic space now open at the top of my head which is in contrast to the egoic energetic space below that. The top space is open consistently, and seems to function as a bodily/energetic reminder that "I" am not any given "I state." It's been functioning as a reminder to witness things. It sounds weird, but it feels like I am still on some kind of ride, but the nature of ride has changed in some strange way from before. It's not quite the same ride.

2. The intensity of states in meditation has increased by an order of magnitude. I am doing a variety of practices, but I am all over the place in terms of what I feel is right when--sometimes noting, sometimes watching the "I energy" in 2nd gear, sometimes just surrendering. It feels like surrendering is the most necessary practice, as there is just this sense that whatever is left is something that I can't do, that I am ultimately helpless. I've mostly stopped riding the arc, as even having that as a focus feels like over-control. My ability to let go and be in the moment has increased--I am seeing all these sorts of subtle thoughts and impressions that have pulled me away from being with what is, fully present to what's happening. Now. And now. And now.

3. Despite the progress, there has been an enormous amount of fear (and fear of fear) coming up in my heart chakra and in my solar plexus. So many moments this area is just sending this tiny signal up to contract, to worry, to defend. It feels like the mother of all contractions--like it limits the expansion of my mind. I've been witnessing, noting, breathing, grounding using the lava lamp, and it still comes back and seems as strong as ever; like a full-on **** storm. Other times it feels like it warms, relaxes, and that is the only time I feel good on a full-bodied level.

4. What's left? It seems that non-duality is what's left; the sense that I am connected and expanded in a consistent way, like I am now (after that pop) experiencing witnessing as easily accessible and as a part of my identity. My feeling is that this last step has something to do with deeper penetration into the top chakra as well as release of the heart contraction. I am meditating longer and more than I have ever on my own to try to give it space to happen.

This sense of being a contracted, limited being is really what hurts and creates the problematic beliefs; and it doesn't help much that it goes away in deeper states temporarily.

Last night I meditated, 50 minutes lying down and then sitting up.

Some stuff with extremely strong shakti all over the body, in the head and crown, along with contraction in the heart with pain and fear. Shaking and lots of eye kriyas.

However, something which feels significant happened. I spontaneously went into a breathing pattern I've never done before. It was like the ujjayi breath in yoga, except that instead of the air striking in the throat, the breath was much more gutteral and struck at the heart, in middle of the chest. It happened along with a groaning sound. This seemed to totally charge the energy at the my heart chakra and the feeling of tingling and energy all over the body was extremely intense. My heart literally felt like it was vibrating after.

Today I am in the most open state I've ever been, all day. I feel non-separated with what is outside of me. There is almost no desire to be anywhere else or to be in another state of mind; I feel complete and at ease. I have been flipping in and out of witnessing, but what I am witnessing feels so much less separated and contracted. Fear has come up per usual, starting in the heart, but it is a lot less intense and therefore easier to catch and watch or ground. If this is "done" I would be more than happy to have this be it.

Also, I have a new definition of being in the moment.

Being in the moment is being totally concentrated with the energy--as energy, emotion, or sensation--that is happening. Being with the moment is like throwing gasoline onto the body's energy--it intensifies it a great deal. Kundalini seems to love it. How to be as concentrated as possible with what is happening energetically is the new standard for me.

Hey Mark,

What path are you? It sounds like 3rd to me. Could be wrong but a lot fo what you describe in the last few posts sounds awfully a lot like i felt at 3rd.

I'm not sure. I haven't had a formal diagnosis from Kenneth. I'm also hampered a bit by the fact that I've been using Tantric and Advaita-based maps for years, so it's hard for me to track any earlier path moments because they are all jumbled with various insights, cycles, A&Ps, and whatever else.

My best guess, however, is 3rd and that happened about a month ago which I wrote about in my first posts. That's based on a bit on what jhanas I think I have access to and on chakra stuff. I don't know though.

Can you say a bit what sounds like 3rd about what I've been posting? Also, what distinguished 2nd, 3rd, and 4th for you? Particularly in an energetic and also psychological sense. That would be really helpful.

Yours,
Mark

A few practice updates...

I have been working at an academic intensive the last three days, so my practice time has diminished significantly since Thursday and my concentration has gone in other directions. Last night was my first long meditation and it was mellower than usual.

However, there is definitely a sense of poise that has carried over since Thursday and a layer of separation and boundedness that seems markedly diminished. On the other hand, the fear and contraction at the heart is still my most prominent internal object, so I look forward to getting back to practice to allow it (or whatever else) to further unfold.

Also, as a part of the academic weekend--I teach in a program on Wilber's Integral theory--I did a little schtick on disidentification and taught the group the noting out loud technique; just had them do it for five minutes. The results were pretty amazing; people reported feeling pretty cleared out as well as having a number of states within the short time. It obviously is a meditation and state-experienced crowd, not beginners, but even a lot of the most experienced really had nice things to say about the technique. This stuff really works!

Meditated last night for about 1:10 lying down. One thing that is totally amazing to me is that I now have the ability to concentrate for 40 minutes to an hour in meditation. I have meditated for about 17 years and could never concentrate over 25 minutes without flagging and really feeling it (I could keep sitting there, of course, and did during retreats). The increased concentration times with my sixth chakra popping five weeks ago. A total shift in physiological functioning. Amazing.

In meditation: Not paying any attention to jhanas or the arc. Just trying to surrender. I am also praying a lot; praying to be done, feeling how sick I am of the ride. This increases the energy and attention. I am also watching the breath a lot more and, to the extent I can surrender and be present fully in the breath and energy, the energy increases significantly. I am still getting eye contractions and surges into the head; these seem to occur when I am shifting states.

Two other things I am noting: There is still lots of activity and focus on the heart--it feels like my heart chakra is getting larger, from the size nectarine weeks ago to now a large apple. Still fearful and somewhat painful, but less. I also had a new kriya (twice) last night where I sort of went into a sit-up/crunch which seemed to focus the energy at my heart. When I came back down, I could feel an incredible "throbbing" energy in my whole body.

Another new feature is that I am moving into an open eye state where my eyes roll all the way up looking at the top of my head. It corresponds to a kind of profound nothingness, just blankness.

A few times in meditation it felt like I moved in and out of a reverse of figure and ground. From efforting to get into "it," to feeling like I was "it" and the effort would be not be it. It all feels painfully close at hand, though I cannot do it and really feel that.

PS It feels like the feeling of being "it" fully corresponds to relaxation, openness, and energy in the heart chakra. I don't think it's just a mental projection; it really feels like the heart is the energetic seat of the small self and when it opens the small self is seen for what it is, and what is behind it reveals itself.

Did a 50-minute walking meditation today. Started out the first half with trying 2nd gear and then just surrendering, but it seemed like I couldn't get settled at all, so I switched to out loud noting. In addition to the usual energetic stuff, there was again quite a bit of heart contraction as well as heavy emotional content to go with it: sadness, shame, self-judgment, and anxiety.

These feelings are familiar--nothing new--but they are very clear now and don't seem related to much of anything happening in outer life. I am now very determined to note though them, and after doing so for 25 minutes, I felt pretty clear and now I feel good.

Tuesday night: 1 hr lying meditation. Surrendering, watching the breath, visualization.

Yesterday: 50 minute walk; 25 noting out loud and 25 spent surrendering.

Last night: 40 minute lying meditation, 15 minute sitting meditation. 5 minutes spent with mantra, then surrendering, watching breath, and visualization.

Today: 50 minute drive: 25 noting out loud, 25 watching the "I" in 2nd gear

A few practice updates... the last few days or so I have been doing noting during walks during the day and a surrender (with some mantra, breath watching) in the evening. Today I didn't note (was feeling a bit lazy Sunday) and noticed the lag in concentration this evening. Evening meditations are a lot flashier; the noting walks feeling more like clearing things, subtler jhanic activity. The beginning of evening meditations have been the same... pretty predictable with an A&P entry and then a 10-20 minute dark night/difficulty settling which I identify (when I am paying attention) as jhanas 2 and 3. The last halves have gotten more interesting though.

One new thing is that I am going into a spontaneous half-smile, which corresponds to an enormous feeling of satisfaction and acceptance/happiness. Another is that I have had some strong experiences of identification with my teacher's teacher (Muktananda) as well as his teacher (Nityananda). This is an experience I've heard about for a long time but have never had myself; I'll see myself sitting in their presence or at one of their temples, or even sometimes see them sitting inside of me. It feels incredibly real, like they are fully present in me or in front of me. It's like totally coming home, with no where else to be. These are perhaps the most satisfying meditation experiences I've ever had.

I've also noticed that these experiences as well as the smile open my heart chakra, which has continued to painfully bother me during meditations and also during noting. It really does feel like someone is turning a stake in there at times. During noting there is a lot of sadness and anger notes. At night, I'm still having a lot of breathing kriyas as well as physical ones (such as arms out in a cross, arching backwards) which seem heart related. It feels like there is not much to do about this stuff except let it happen.

A few more things...

My eyes are turning very strongly up into the crown a lot. This is accompanied by major strobbing and lights. This has happened before, but is getting more intense. I am also seeing lots of ways I subtlely resist these experiences with the ways I tense my eyes or with evaluating thoughts. Learning to let go into them intensifies them.

I am having the insight--and this one feels new and fragile--that any time I identify with a thought it causes an automatic contraction in the body's energy. Not that the thought itself is the problem, but when I attach. I am also beginning to believe that the intensity of pain/stuckness at my heart has been caused by a lifetime of very contracted thinking on my part. It feels like my psychological history made physical.

Finally--the weird one for the evening--it felt like I went through (or near) physical death in my meditation tonight. I've had a lot of experiences of intense fear and disorientation during meditation, but this one felt like I was totally disorientated, with strobbing and energy shooting towards the crown, and like I was really leaving my body. When the feeling ended I had the thought "That is what it's like to die" pop right up. I also thought "What else could it possibly be like?" and don't know how it could be much different. But who knows? That could just be my state talking.

Meditations have been alternating between intense heart contraction along with sadness and grief on one hand and new dimensions of states on the other. I am also catching and noting a lot of "frustration" and "anger" which I had previously labeled as "self-judgment" or "self-hatred". This is a subtle difference but seems to mean something in practice. I particularly get frustrated when I feel that I've noted something wrong or when I judge I'm not moving fast enough. The frustration is pretty chronic in my practice history.

Along these lines, I have realized that noting is teaching me about my relative self--the words matter and I'm learning from them. I've previously noted a lot of "anxiety" but am now realizing "nervousness" is a better word. Anxiety implies a certain kind of conceptual schema and a certain intensity; nervousness is just this general sense of wariness and unease. It's close to what I feel at most times.

Also, the right word implies right self-awareness which helps the energy move. When I note incorrectly "self-hatred," for example, that causes a contraction in energy. When I note correctly "frustration" the energy moves and I feel freedom. This feels a bit like noting meets right speech--not either magnifying or minimizing what is noticed. Makes me think of that old Ramana line (or Nisgaradatta line) "you can't transcend what you don't know."