Mark's Practice Notes

I feel the need to preface that I'm frankly not sure I know what the hell I am doing with any of this. Hopefully I am getting some of this correct, but maybe I'm not, I'm losing my screws, and I'm going to erase this thread out of embarrassment. I've never written about my spiritual experiences at nearly this length, but now I feel compelled and simultaneously a bit mortified that I am doing it. Can make sense of it, but I guess I'm going to keep going.

I did an out loud noting/meditation walk today. It included physical pain, outside sensations (wind, sounds), frustration (multiple), confusion, pressure in the head and brow (multiples), anxiety in the 3rd chakra (multiples), self-judgment (multiples), sexual desire, planning, state evaluations (multiples), shame/embarassment, pain in the 4th chakra (multiples), vibration in the crown, expansion of the visual field, witnessing the body as object. I tried today not to consciously think about jhanas, but now that I know the lingo that cat is really hard to put back in the bag.

A difference today is that I was able to track myself back down the jhanas, when my attention crashed, as opposed to just paying attention on the way up. That was interesting.

Some observations from today...

There was a lot of negative content today--anxiety, self-judgment, confusion, frustration, etc. What I notice is that these seem to come up much more during the earlier jhanas, despite whatever positive feelings also arise. Particularly 2-3, though also 1 to a lesser degree. But 2-3 tend to last a bit, longer than 1 for me, so I really notice these things. Once it hits 4, it calms.

Therefore I really am noticing the shift to equanimity in 4. Particularly given the contrast to the negative thinking in 2-3 and the time spent there. The feel of mind-body relaxation is quite palpable.

I noted out loud up through jhana 6. Though I notice body and mind during jhana 6, where my mind goes is to the fact that the body becomes an object in awareness, that I am watching the whole field of the body at once. I found myself noting out loud "watching" and "body as an object". The body becomes a watched object in awareness, while the rest of the outer world becomes flat and un-real. It's a big, flat illusion.

When I hit jhana 7 it feels really hard to talk; I just want to stop noting and get quiet, so I did.

Jhana 6 creates a horizontal expansion in visual perception--like the world gets wider and sharper (though less real). In contrast, jhana 7 seems to stretch visual perception vertically, like the energy goes out of the head and "stretches" the sky and the ground with it. There is something about jhana 7 which seems somewhat similar to 10 in crown focus, but the quality of the energy is different. Lighter and fluffier in 7; wetter and much more focused in 10.

Getting to 8 seems quite hard while walking, not while sitting/lying. This is the second time I've noticed this. It feels like I would need to sit down and really relax to get to 8. Though walking around in 7 is very relaxed and blissful.

Remember that your jhanic experiences will be colored by where you are at in the cycle of nanas. You are doing a good job. Remember you are creating a personal map of your own mind. These notes are yours no need to be embarrassed. I am very grateful that you are making this available to us.

Thanks mumuwu--I very much appreciate that.

Can you explain the line about the nanas? I am getting two impressions. 1) Nanas happen in long cycles (months, years) and 2) nanas happen sequentially as one moves up the arc in any session (as is represented in Kenneth's "20 strata of mind" schematic). Prior to coming here I've been quite familiar with the first idea--which is out there in many traditions, ala the dark night--but just recently I've been focusing much more on the second idea as I am trying to grasp this system.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

Yours,
Mark

As you move through the stratum of the mind via noting you sequentially pass through the same nanas you cycle through in example 1 up to your cutting edge and then you descend back down through the same strata.

So for example (again - this is just an example) you enter a pleasant stable state when you first sit (jhana 1/mind and body), then you notice your mind wandering and note some thoughts (they might have to do with cause and effect type things), then you get some itching and uncomfortable sensations (three characteristics), you then get into another stable stratum where there are far less of these sort of wandering thoughts, you feel tingling, there is a brightness to the visual field and you are warm and happy (2nd Jhana / A&P), the fireworks die down, you then notice some coolness and the body seems much less prevalent and the periphery is more in focus (dissolution), then you notice that you feel anxious and stray thoughts may start popping up again, perhaps even some scary imagery (knowledge of fear), etc.

So you are passing through these layers as you move between the jhanas via noting. Often it's sort of a Jhana 1, rough patch, Jhana 2, Jhana 3, rought patch, Jhana 4 type experience.

"Often it's sort of a Jhana 1, rough patch, Jhana 2, Jhana 3, rought patch, Jhana 4 type experience."

Yes--that is definitely what it feels like in the routine sense. I've spent quite a while wondering why meditations always started out quite pleasant, immediate entry (1) and then would start to feel quite mixed or unpleasant (unpleasant patches in 2-3). I was chalking it up to bad technique on my part for a long time, now I am seeing it is all quite normal. Nice to know.

I get what you are saying about the nanas, and I think I can pick some of them up as I transition (fear, cause and effect, disgust, etc.). I'm going to seek out more info as well so as to get a firmer handle.

Thanks for all your help!

Mark

A few practice updates...

I did a 40 minute session last night and it was pretty unpleasant. I had a lot of trouble recognizing the jhanas--or rather, settling my mind enough to find the jhanas. There was kind of persistent chatter, sense of suffering, and mental efforting which I tried to let go of/surrender multiple times but it kept returning. Where ever I ended up, however, there was a lot of energy in the head and crown--like I was wearing a muslim's scull cap.

I noted when I sat before bed though, and that seemed to help.

Something I am finding since my breakthrough--a total increase of activity in the crown, both early in the jhana cycle (in terms of pricky vibrations) and later in the cycle in terms of intense energetic focus. When the energy is in the crown, I also feel quite physically disorientated when I get up--like I am on drugs or drunk. This is a new one.

This morning my kid interrupted my meditation when I had just made the switch from 7 to 8. I got up and was in a totally great mood! Those two jhanas are becoming my favorites--very light and non-intense. I have nicknamed jhana 8 the "infinite white" as it feels like my visual field lightens during it and I have the feel of being an energetic blank slate.

I decided to try and note while driving to work (1 hr) today. Bad idea. As soon as I started noting I went up the arc and this felt quite unsafe. So I decided to try 2nd gear, which I haven't done outside of the arc (jhana 6) since my breakthough. It felt an order of magnitude easier to enter as well as maintain in my head--much less pressure, less head-achey. 25 minutes felt really doable, not a big crash after.

I've heard Kenneth say before that he encourages late-pathers to hold the witness as much as possible and this always just gave me a headache thinking about it (How do you concentrate and tolerate the discomfort?) After today, it seems like it could be done--maybe not now, but eventually. I guess when other neural circuitry gets put in place, all meditative activities get easier. Meditation wasn't super hard pre-breakthrough, but it is so much easier now.

Mark,

Have you tried the eye exercises I've describe in the J1-4 thread I posted (those are fun way to spend time in those particular Jhanas and get a good feel for them too)? Once at 4th, think about the space that contains all of that stuff you are aware of and see if you get the same sensations you are describing for 5th. You may get a sensation of openness like looking up at the sky or off a cliff. I used to ask myself "who witnesses this space" and notice a shift in focus which moves toward the back of the head and is centered around the eyes. It's a real visual focus and I notice tension of pressure in the back of the head along with this (6th). The witness is clearest at that point. Next I ask "what does this witness perceive." I lose the witness at this point to some extent and find myself focused on the nothing that the witness was watching (7th). Next I let go of this nothing and I notice that there is a very strange state, hard to describe where things are sort of starting to register but are then let go, so there is an activity but it doesn't result in anything being grasped and registered (like some sort of active letting go that involves no effort). This a very restful state. Eventually I notice pressure building around the third eye and some other patterns of activity after that (head centered, energetic, involving the crown and third eye in various combinations and things like that).

It's also very helpful to approach this from the angle of individual sensations and see how they change while moving through the various layers. So just forgetting about accessing Jhanas and things like that and getting down to itching itching itching, warmth, happiness, shift in focus, tingling, tingling, calmness, coolness, shift in focus, coolness, anxiousness, etc. That really brings a higher resolution to the thing.

Great stuff!

I don't know if this will be helpful or not:

Regarding the witness, it is present at all levels. I find that once I start I eventually go up to 6th Jhana which is where I usually would get the pain you are describing. Once I moved up beyond 6th, the discomfort diminished greatly. Perhaps turning the attention to what the witness is observing briefly will allow you to keep moving up and the discomfort will lessen. There still is a witness to that nothing, so once you are at the nothingness ask "who witnesses that"?

Thanks mumuwu.

This is very helpful. I did catch your eye movement thread. I'm going to go back and will try that exercise in the next few days (if not tonight) and let you know how it goes.

I like the questions you are asking internally asking once you enter the 4th jhana. I am going to sit with those and see what I can do. It's sometimes hard for me to use others' verbal cues and use them--I've never done well with the question "Who am I?" for example. I had to modify it to "What am I?" for it to resonate (something about me with the word "feeling" right, if that makes sense). There probably a whole lot to be written on how each of us has learned to shift attention internally, through intention, eye focus, internal questions, etc.

That said, the way you describe the shifts after 4 really resonates; obviously we are using words here, but I resonate with the state after 7 where "nothing registers" as being an element of 8--that feeling of being blank energetics and clean-slate. Very restful as you say. Then sometime after that there is a rush of energy to the head and I am into what I recognize as 9.

I know intellectually and in some ways experientially that the witness is there through all states. In some ways, I feel like I knew it better before I started doing all the jhana work--when I was doing neo-Advaita and letting go and watching as a main practice. All these new states and changes have made it more unclear though, as I feel like the witness as I experience it most often now is more tied to 6--or can be there up through 6--and then, as you say, lets go when I move up to 7.

But who knows I've gone to 7, I can hear my teachers ask?

One of my teachers-- Moksananda--said that the witness is like trying to grasp your own hand with itself. Or like a sun that you can't stare at, but can feel the heat. I feel into those statements.

This is all where I am trying to learn. The witness seems like a state that one can be, but then that state lets go into higher states where that version of the witness is more dense and contracted than the states. Is the "jhana 6 witness" not really the witness then? Or is it just clearer at that stage and I am not quite catching its more subtle impressions later on in the arc?

I am not really asking for intellectual answers--I know that explanations probably won't get it, but I would be curious to know if there a certain point at practice where these things become clearer?

"I know intellectually and in some ways experientially that the witness is there through all states. In some ways, I feel like I knew it better before I started doing all the jhana work--when I was doing neo-Advaita and letting go and watching as a main practice. All these new states and changes have made it more unclear though, as I feel like the witness as I experience it most often now is more tied to 6--or can be there up through 6--and then, as you say, lets go when I move up to 7. "

I definitely get what you are saying here for sure. Again, it may not make sense, but when doing the witness practice and going up through the arc, it feels like I am grabbing unto the sixth Jhana in a way, but loosely, and then reeling myself into it until I arrive at it and then the really solid sensation / discomfort you speak of shows up.

It is clearer at that stage I think, but obviously there is a witness watching the rest of it.

I think it becomes clearer over time. Think how much clearer it all is at this point compared to, say, a few months ago.

Also I'm really excited to get your perspective on things over time with your background in yoga. I'm reading Yoga - Immortality & Freedom (by Mircea Eliade) right now. It's very interesting.

Mark, have you read the case study with Alex? Perhaps that'll make a good bit of sense to you with your prior focus on advaita.

Atma Vichara results in the same physioenergetic development as 1st gear! Perhaps that's giving you a boost (I think it really helped me out).

Thanks mumuwu. Yes, things have changed fast, so I am sure more is in store. I'll check out that case study for sure.

The more I practice in this style and listen to this group, the more at home I feel here. I am quite excited to see how this all plays out in relation to my background in yoga--that is an intellectual project going on in the background. The truth is, I've probably read almost every book available in English on both medical and Hindu/yogic perspectives on kundalini. So I have a whole other set of maps in my head. But the Hindu maps aren't as detailed, or the language is much more veiled and cryptic, or the states described are pretty rarified and start very high in the jhanic arc. The Tantric yogis also have a devotional aspect to their view of kundalini which is quite different--it is a form of the goddess and you just step back and let "Her" work essentially, keeping your focus on your teacher and on the ultimate truth. There is also a whole teacher-student transmission element as well that I don't hear in any of the language here.

So this whole foray into Theravada is a HUGE surprise (almost miraculous); that that would be a tradition I would engage for this reason.

A bit more.... traditional Advaita pretty much ignores kundalini and 1st gear in a lot of ways. Of the neo-Advaitans I know who know both traditions, they take one of two views. Either, like the traditionalists, it is irrelevant. Or, if they are more integrated, wake up first (3rd gear) then worry about development. This is essentially the Adyashanti take.

The closest intersection I know of is that the Mahamudra folks sometimes use texts from Kashmir Shaivism--Hindu in the broad strokes but also highly influenced by Buddhist teachings in Kashmir during its formation (1000 ADish) The Tibetan and Yogic Tantric traditions are very close to one another.

Had half-hour meeting with Kenneth today to review some of the above and get advice on next steps. The major upshot of today's meeting was that Kenneth suggested I start to look for nirodha samapatti. He suggested the technique of essentially move awareness like a flashlight around the head until I feel a sense of "powering down" of mind and body. I asked him from what jhana to do this, and he suggested from any of the Pure Lands.

First sit: I did a 30 minute lying meditation. Moved up through the arc to 12, a lot of energy in the crown, an energy helmet. Stayed there for a few minutes and then tried to shine the spotlight and pretty quickly found a spot that gave me the sense of powering down, just like Kenneth said. The "sweet spot" for this awareness was pretty large, occupying some place in the middle of the forehead that felt like a "depression" (spacially, not emotionally) in awareness. The feeling was as if being overcome slowly with lessening mental activity, an urge to sleep, and a sense of not being able to move the body. I did not, however, goes "lights out." I don't know if I was supposed to, but there was a sense of holding on/mental activity that kept pumping. More on this below from a later meditation.

Second meditation: 40 minutes sitting up. I again went up the arc--this took about 15-20 minutes or so--before trying to find n.s. I feel that it's important--based on some things Kenneth said as well as my own feeling--that I continue to work the arc as high as I can during practice.

The energy eventually went to the crown during 12. Then I tried to find n.s. Same thing happened--a very overwhelming sense of powering down, not being able to move, losing active consciousness. My head also slowly moved down, forehead towards the floor. I might have had a blip of "cessation" or something, but generally I had the same sense of something holding on, not letting go (I have had a lot of insomnia in my life, it is the same type feeling).

Anyway, then after some minutes experimenting with this I had a very strong kriya. Eyes clenching, mouth opening completely wide (this is a new one happening recently), the lion (for those who know yoga), and then head spinning around and shaking pretty violently (this is an old one I haven't had for a while).

The state I ended up in felt somewhere else--eyes open, extremely clear, open consciousness. It felt like the crown was fluid and full of energy. I don't think I've ever been anywhere quite like it.

However, this was not the thing I most noted. What I most noted was that there was still a sense of contraction, mental holding on--frustrating (!). I tried letting it go by reflecting on the 2nd and 3rd gear experiences--that the self is empty, is a fiction--but it kept coming back. Very frustrating!

As I paid attention I started to notice that there was this significant contraction in my heart chakra. Painful and pleasant as the same time, anxious and contracted. Then it sort of hit me that this contraction seemed to be generating the mental activity, was the source of the contraction in consciousness. I've felt this contraction at the heart so many times before, but it just seemed so crystal clear, so obvious. Like all other energy centers were open and complete except for this spot. And that this spot was, in a sense, creating the activity that was causing the mind to churn and cling. That the activity was not centered in the head, but the heart!

This felt very important. I got the image of the energy coming out of my head and trying to complete at the heart chakra, but that could just be me aping descriptions of arahatship. Either way, the heart chakra seems in so many ways that which needs to open fully.

I am now reflecting on something I read a long time ago from a brilliant but obscure book called the Body of Myth by a raja yogi named J. Nigro Sansonese. Long thesis short: All mythology is coded instruction for meditation. Hell=below the neck, Earth=the facial realm of the senses, Heaven=top of the head.

One thing he grappled with in that book is the mythic figure of the sea monster. His thesis: The sea monster is the vagus nerve, which runs from the heart to the head, and that the vagus nerve must be calmed in order to reach higher yogic states. I'm very much speculating, but this is exactly what it felt like--the heart was sending signals that my brain interprets by contracting my consciousness.

Did a 30 minute noting walk plus short sit (10 minutes) today. I noted out loud for about 10 minutes or so before going feeling ready to be quiet. Noted pain the knees, sensations (feet, wind), anxiety, confusion, doubt, pressures in the head and forehead, vibrations in the body and top of the head, and a quite a few notes of pain, anxiety, and contraction specifically in the heart chakra.

I was sort of lost jhana-wise until I made the intention to go to 6 and find the witness. I stopped noting out loud. What was different about this session was that I was able to follow the arc up all the way while walking. I don't know why this happened today, but I just felt a bit more relaxed, so it didn't seem that hard to find 8, which it has before. All the other jhanas felt the same, but less intense.

A few things...

7 and 8 -- I noticed the heart contraction was still present in these jhanas, but the jhanas seemed to calm the contraction, soften it.

10 - The outer world just seemed like "activity"--"it" was "real" in a way, but just movement itself. This seemed in contrast to 6, where the outer world seems flat and unreal.

11 - This is an interesting one to walk around in, as I experienced it as very self-focused--the energy just congeals in the body in such a focused way. My eyes also always go down in this one, creating a sense of deep absorption in the mind-body. The world is "out there," but I'm much more "in here."

12 - This one is really strange to walk around in. Energy and awareness move to the crown--it feels almost like one of those kids' punching bags, where the sand is at the bottom. But the punching bag is upside down and the sand is in the crown (top-heavy). The body is light and unstable underneath. And yet I can function--I had to run across the street at one point and yet the energy stayed in the crown.

.

This is one thing I am learning: You can really kick the tires a bit in these jhanas and you won't get shaken out of them. That is, even though the states are fluid, the architecture of them is actually pretty stable. You can get distracted and stay there; have a passing thought or emotion and you'll still be in the same jhana when you bring your attention back. This feels like a big insight, as previously I've always had this disappointed and panicked reaction in meditation when I (inevitably) get distracted. Like, "oh ****, I blew it!" Now I see that it doesn't matter nearly as much since the states have more stability now, a huge relief and much more practical

Anyhow, the walk ended with a short sit on a staircase. The energy shifted out of the crown and seemed to become whole body, moving cleanly with almost no impediment, subtle full-body waves. The state was very pristine, open, conscious and outward in some way. I am wondering now--since this is the second time I've ended here--if this is 13? I haven't read or head much about this one, I've avoided, so I don't know. Kenneth just said "clean" and "clear" and that seems like it. But it definitely feels post-12 and like a new place. I sat with it for about 10 minutes before I had to get up and pick up my kid (and my attention may have been crashing).

Another thing about this state: It was the closest feeling I've ever had within myself to what I experience sitting around realized teachers--the openness, lightness, brightness. I recently sat next to one yoga teacher--a guy named Baba Hari Das, who is the guru at Mount Madonna in Norcal--and had very much this feeling. He was just sitting there eating and chatting, but I felt so much openness and lightness sitting next to him.

A final thing about 13 (?). There is still this contraction in the heart, a subtle pain or block. It wasn't as intense as yesterday, but it was definitely there. Also, it feels like there is still an energetic push, like something is subtly working, like a circuit being worked or filled out. And there is self-consciousness--it isn't non-dual or realized in an obvious way. It's not as full blown as the non-dual experience I had last April, when everything thought seemed to be total energy linked with the total energy of everything else--everything inside of everything so that there was no "inside" of me. The small self wasn't entirely transparent or relaxed today either. This is by way of saying that I know that this state isn't "it," whatever "it" finally is.

I did a 30 minute lying meditation this afternoon. Nothing remarkable. After, I took a nap, and woke up feeling somewhat bad and disconnected--sad and depressed. I noted with it and it passed within about five minutes. I feel more balanced now.

Last night meditated for about 45 minutes lying and then standing. Arc went per usual.

After end of arc I started having a very violent kriya--a lot of shaking, body, arms, and head, and then felt this enormous pressure on my heart/solar plexus. It was like someone was pressing on my chest and pushing into a stick into my solar plexus, and it felt hard to breath. Strong feelings of fear, despair, fear of death. Also, nausea. Enormous amounts of energy but just felt "yuck." I surrendered through by thinking of teachers and the goal; I was not going to get up and just postpone whatever it was. Eventually I sat up and remembered to find the witness, which helped ease the suffering and move the energy flow a bit (I felt too far gone to note out loud). Also, sitting made the energy flow a little easier as well.

I was nauseous and demoralized afterwards--a lot of energy and activity, but my self felt very concrete and heavy after--no insight. Reminds me of past periods where kriyas like this were common but I didn't notice any really change in my life. Depressing to think about.

I've still got those blue and slightly nauseous feelings this morning as well as some aversion to the idea practicing today, though I am determined to, as I feel drawn to try and push through.

I did not want to practice today when it came down to it, and was seriously doubting/wondering whether I should return to 3rd gear practice and stop with all this developmental stuff--just leads to disappointment, endless wanting, self-image, expectation and story, etc.

Noted during 45 minutes plus short sit in the middle: pain in the knees, anxiety, frustration, anticipation, motivation, and lots of narrative/story. A few moments of equanimity and lightness, but I really did note a pretty pervasive sense of sadness and low mood underneath. It was slow up the jhanic arc--took about 15 minutes of noting before I recognized 4 and then a bit after could find 6. The rest of the arc proceeded from there. I was distracted by mood and story but the arc seems to have a mind of its own, and it got easier at 6. I felt a definite sense of relief when I sat and 13 (?) came--it's a fascinating extroverted state.

Have you considered the dark night as a possible explanation for this negativity?

Yes. It is certainly possible, maybe even likely--lord knows I've been there before. But it feels important to actually talk about and not label the negative too neatly, just in my case (not judging anyone else). I have a tendency to get inflated and don't want to fool myself. If I am feeling ******, I've learned it helps to call it like it is.

Does that makes sense?