Practice Journal: Arhat before January 1 2011

My commitment is this: I will attain arhatship before January 1, 2011, to the furthest possible extent of my ability and available time.

This means that from now on, unless I have pressing commitments:
Every weekend is a retreat,
I will meditate at least 4 hours a day,
I will note furiously when walking anywhere, or on those kind of "interval moments between things;"
and I will be adamant about complete awareness of every waking moment of my life.

I'm tired of this sh*t, I want it over with. I will keep a Journal here, where I report practice and ask questions.

I will post today's practice note when Sunday retreat is over, in about four hours. *diiiiiiiinnnnng*

where are you starting from?

Bruno,

Depending on both which path you have already attained to, and on how effective your practice is you may be looking at a very achievable goal. My humble advice is practice with great diligence (and it sounds like you are) while believing it is possible. But most importantly stay away from EXPECTATIONS. The moment you start to "expect", you start conditioning your experience (and that's something you do not want to do).

Again, great commitment! we are all looking forward to see you cross the finish line!

with Metta,

Jorge Freddy

Great to see such determination. I wish you all the best!!!

A noble goal! Just keep in mind that the seeking will eventually get in the way, so be sensitive to that.

Best of luck, Brunoi!

And Bruno: try to be as gentle as pssible with yourself and your experience. When you lose awarenss just note that and move on; if you don't like what is happening, just note THAT and move on. A gentle, light touch: awareness with momentum and continuity.

Good luck to you, Bruno!

Thanks for the tips and encouragement. I am starting from second path. With regards to doing it gently, thanks for the reminder, I learned that lesson the hard way

---
Sunday 26. Meditated for a total of 10 hours. The first four were very difficult with a lot of pain and suffering. The last hour was also difficult, with fatigue and dizziness.

It was mostly noting out loud what happened, since in whichever phase I am, meditating silently just leads me to trains of thought. I noted "unpleasant" more than half the time, I noted "out of it" (meaning "distracted" or "not connected with the present") the other half. Consistency will improve, but it's actually surprisingly good for my first full day meditation in months.

It seems that there is a very distinct feel to "being present" versus "not being present," which seems to manifest as some sort of "feeling of out-of-phaseness" in the middle of the head (I used to have tremendous pain in this region, now all that seems to be left is this out-of-phaseness).

There where various dissolutions inside the brain, and plenty of energetic activity in the spine, third eye and crown, and in the throat, chest and belly. Half way through the day I went for a walking meditation in the park, and I tripped my balls off, everything was gorgeous, silent and pristine (as a meditation it was 2/3 a failure).

Also, there is this savage tendency of the body to twist around and lock itself into mudras and bhandas, sometimes coming up with very bizarre configurations that would cause envy to any yoga master. If anyone has a specific pointer for what to do with these, I would appreciate it. I sometimes let them stay for a while, I sometimes relax out of them.

No particular eureka moment, just some extra momentum for the ride.

Good luck Bruno, your dedication and courage is inspiring.

all the best!!! you got it!

Sounds pretty hard core.

Good Luck. May you attain what you're working towards.

Andrew

"It was mostly noting out loud what happened, since in whichever phase I am, meditating silently just leads me to trains of thought."-Bruno

Yes! Noting aloud ensures that you are making best use of your practice time.

"It seems that there is a very distinct feel to "being present" versus "not being present," which seems to manifest as some sort of "feeling of out-of-phaseness" in the middle of the head"-Bruno

Great. No problem. Whatever you do, just don't make a project out of trying to be in phase. If enlightenment is your goal, you must notice what is here rather than manufacturing some other experience. Note whatever is in your face, no matter how pleasant or unpleasant. "Out of phase" has exactly the status as "in phase" with regard to your noting practice. In other words, both of them accrue to your awakening if you note them in real time.

"Also, there is this savage tendency of the body to twist around and lock itself into mudras and bhandas, sometimes coming up with very bizarre configurations that would cause envy to any yoga master. If anyone has a specific pointer for what to do with these, I would appreciate it. I sometimes let them stay for a while, I sometimes relax out of them."-Bruno

Just understand that this is a normal part of development as the energy infrastructure builds itself. Let it happen and remind yourself that circuits are being completed and developed every time it happens. But we don't know how long it will last. Be patient with it and with yourself. It doesn't last forever and it is an essential part of your process. Above all, note while it is happening.

Tip: You have put pressure on yourself by establishing the deadline. This is a double-edged sword; it can support your awakening and it can stress you out. Deal with the stress by meticulously noting anxiety & agitation.

With regards to the deadline, I will not stress in the slightest if it doesn't happen, I will just change it until a couple of months later. I will not let go of the f*cking bone until it's done.

Day 1. Managed the 4 hours, only just, I had to do 20 minutes before bed to add up to 4 hours. Noted everywhere I went. By decreasing order of frequency: "Shaking," "Thinking", "Out of it", "Pain", "Walking," etc.

Centerpoint in the head is fascinating, it sucks my attention into it no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. Noticed often the insidious way the damned thing pulls my attention from whatever I'm trying to do, over and over and over and over and over again, and causes the disgrace that is my utter lack of concentration.

Off to bed: tomorrow, 6h30 AM.

Hi Bruno,

I would include that awareness of the centre point in the head into your noting. i.e. searching, searching, vibrations-neutral(chest), vibrations neutral(chest), vibrations -pleasant (centrepoint-back of the head), vibrations-unpleasant(chest,) vibrations-neutral(centre point -behind eyeballs) curiosity, curiosity, searching, vibrations neutral (back of the head behind eyeballs) etc etc

It will continue to happen regardless. Co-opt that constant occurrence as an ally. More grist for the mill! I found that when I did this, my concentration went through the roof!

Nick

Different things can be different people's means to what this forum calls 4th path. I would recommend really sinking into your sense of dissatisfaction with not being done with it... Nick's advice is also sound, different people will approach the end game differently but the outcome will be the same... Good luck...

Thanks Nick and Clayton,

I took your advice to heart, from both of you, which was particularly easy since it amounts to the same thing. My sense of dissatisfaction comes from the feeling of center point in the middle of the head, there is no way around it. It is there where it's uncomfortable, it is it which pulls my focus away from my present experience.

Woke up at 6h30 AM. Mass dissolutions inside the brain --- it really feels like unclogging pipes, and I have been a plumber for about 4 hours noting plus 1 hour tai chi, plus a lot of noting out of the cushion. Loads of shaking, loads of equanimity, loads of crown activity. While concentration is still terrible, the investigation of exactly why that happens was carried out again and again, it is the centerpoint pulling back focus from whatever I'm trying to look at with the mind's eye, and into itself.

It's 23h00, off to bed. Tomorrow, repeat.

"My sense of dissatisfaction comes from the feeling of center point in the middle of the head, there is no way around it. It is there where it's uncomfortable, it is it which pulls my focus away from my present experience.
"

Hey Bruno,
If I could offer a suggestion, you might want to not worry so much about what is causing your experience of dissatisfaction, but rather step back and just note the experience of dissatisfaction itself. I found it helps to keep is very simple and non-conceptual at this phase of the game. You don't have to analyze anything, you just need to get used to the fact that it isn't you.

"You don't have to analyze anything, you just need to get used to the fact that it isn't you." ~Owen

Right. I'd even go as far as to say you just have to pay attention to the dissatisfaction. Any insights that arise should happen on their own. Applying "no-self" as a strategy can be helpful, but it isn't always necessary. Just don't let the dissatisfaction out of your sight.

Besides, there IS NO CENTER POINT. The center point is a projection of mind, as a way to split off and reify the source dissatisfaction into some kind of foe to be slaughtered. There is no foe.

Stay with the symptom. The cause isn't what you think it is.

Hi Bruno.

You're getting pile of advice, but I just thought I'd add: Question the idea that your concentration is "terrible." It might not be. Instead, consider the possibility that meditation is a much more dynamic, uneven, and shifting process than you think it is or that you've idealized it to be (it is not what one feels like when one sees an unmoving and serene Buddha statue). Had I understood this it would have saved me a ton of grief.

In other words, states shift CONSTANTLY within meditation and all kinds of content can come up within even a single state. While sitting in one jhana you can have thoughts, emotions, sensations, and distractions. Moreover, you will, there is no escape. Also, significant things happen in meditation--intense absorptions or insights--that only last a few seconds or less, followed by other thoughts and feelings and a decrease in intensity. I am not saying there is no stability within meditation, just that it is a very fluid stability where the surface changes a lot.

Does this make sense? Not to mention, if you can let go of the idea that your concentration sucks, your concentration will actually improve immediately.

Mark

"Stay with the symptom. The cause isn't what you think it is."

That is a great practice note!

Bruno, you are not grokking the essence of the instructions, which puzzles me for two reasons:

1) You are one of the smartest guys I know.
2) I gave you the instructions myself, in person, three times. (Images of Kenneth pulling out his white and thinning hair.)

Here's how to get enlightened:

Sit. your. butt. down. and. NOTE.

Forget about the tips and tricks. Forget about the centerpoint. Forget about the 3 characteristics. Forget about whether you think you are concentrated or not. Forget about what you think you know about meditation.

Every time you discover the "problem" with your meditation, note your reaction to that thought. Note the thought itself. Note once per second, aloud, for the duration of your sitting. Note catastrophizing, dramatizing, histrionics, self-pity, evaluation thoughts, impatience, despair, self-loathing, joy, triumph, scenario spinning, longing, desire for deliverance, irritation, doubt, bliss, absorption, distraction, fear, anger, rage, disgust, euphoria, hope, contentment, anticipation, softness, hardness, coolness, warmth, pulsing, burning, itching, throbbing, stinging, tingling, hearing, seeing, tasting, smelling, pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, petulance, futility, dullness, fatigue; what have I left out? Of course you would like some kind of a shortcut or a tip. There is no such thing. There is only the mastery of this simple technique. By the time you master this technique, you will be an arahat. If you distract yourself from this technique by trying to tweak the recipe, the warrantee is void.

May you awaken in this lifetime and preferably this year.

Kenneth

P.S. After you are enlightened, you're going to say, "Oh! I get it now. All I had to do was note. The rest of it was fluff and a waste of my time. Why didn't anybody tell me that all I had to do was note?"

I can see it coming...

"Here's how to get enlightened:

Sit. your. butt. down. and. NOTE.

-Kenneth"

Now, this is ingenious!

It is so crystal clear in a self evident way that it just has to be true.

Unfortunately there is always this "It just cannot be that simple..." factor, which is causing all the trouble.

Antero.

"

Here's how to get enlightened:
Sit. your. butt. down. and. NOTE.
Forget about the tips and tricks. Forget about the centerpoint. Forget about the 3 characteristics. Forget about whether you think you are concentrated or not. Forget about what you think you know about meditation.

Every time you discover the "problem" with your meditation, note your reaction to that thought. Note the thought itself. Note once per second, aloud, for the duration of your sitting. Note catastrophizing, dramatizing, histrionics, self-pity, evaluation thoughts, impatience, despair, self-loathing, joy, triumph, scenario spinning, longing, desire for deliverance, irritation, doubt, bliss, absorption, distraction, fear, anger, rage, disgust, euphoria, hope, contentment, anticipation, softness, hardness, coolness, warmth, pulsing, burning, itching, throbbing, stinging, tingling, hearing, seeing, tasting, smelling, pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, petulance, futility, dullness, fatigue; what have I left out? Of course you would like some kind of a shortcut or a tip. There is no such thing. There is only the mastery of this simple technique. By the time you master this technique, you will be an arahat. If you distract yourself from this technique by trying to tweak the recipe, the warrantee is void.

May you awaken in this lifetime and preferably this year.

Kenneth
"

"gratitude, gratitude"
Good luck, Bruno!

"Sit. your. butt. down. and. NOTE.

Forget about the tips and tricks. Forget about the centerpoint. Forget about the 3 characteristics. Forget about whether you think you are concentrated or not. Forget about what you think you know about meditation.

Note once per second, aloud, for the duration of your sitting. "

Hi Kenneth,
I read your comment earlier today. Is this to be taken litterally "note once per second"?
I actually watched the seconds digits on my clock to see what my actual noting speed usually is, and it's definitely slower. More like once per three or four seconds where there's this fraction of a second where there's the first noticing and then a couple of seconds of observing the sensation.

So I tried speeding it up for ten minutes or so, but this felt very superficial. At a given point I was noting on autopilot, not really knowing what the sensations were that I supposedly was noting.
This one note per second is also much faster than how we note during our Skype sessions.