Practice Journal: Arhat before January 1 2011

Weekend retreat. Horrible experience. After doing noting practice for 7 hours on saturday, I had vicious pain inside the brain, and inside the spine. I couldn't go on with it, so sunday I switched to a soft-focus with mantra practice (without mantra I would just space out uncontrollably), and I did this for a total of about 6 hours.

I seriously hope this is just a phase, because there are several annoying things going on with my mind which are very debilitating. I have pain inside the head quite often, and even when I don't there is always some awfully uncomfortable pressure or blur or slimy sensation there. I have become completely aloof; not even in a spaced out sort of way, but in a "seeing the world from behind a curtain" sort of way. The way it feels actually is as if the world was behind something which keeps shifting uncomfortably, editing in or editing out stuff. Reading is very difficult, because this mental-shifting-curtain-process is somehow "louder" than the meaning-processing of the text, and interferes with the activity of interpretation. The "editing in or out" aspect of it is very noticeable, for instance the way the visual field shifts, blurs, blinks (I don't mean the eyes) and how parts of it disappear (are edited out), is so obvious, that I wonder how else is my perception being mutilated, and how on earth I didn't see it before.

Interestingly, this mental pain and confusion used to make me really depressed, even suicidal, but not anymore. It is so great to understand what is inside and what is outside. I can clearly see that life is a wonderful thing, and that it is just this guy here who needs a bit of fixing. I don't blame anyone or anything for the discomfort I'm going through, I no longer see the world in those filthy dark lens that made me say things like "life is hard" and "people are bad" and other similarly silly things! How awesome

Now, I've been continuing my soft mode of practice, but no matter how soft I try to make it, it seems that my mind will obsessively lock on to the centerpoint (which is also the source of the obsession), and pretty much try to "rip it away from existence." Now, I know this is not the point, however, it is what my mind does if I just sit down and close my eyes. And meanwhile I get grumblings in my intestines, activity in my chakras, a clearer and clearer sensory perception, and, still the frantic shifting, fluttering, editing in and out continues, and it still takes away most mental energy, and I still can not focus on anything.

This has become very inconvenient, as I have been unable to do any decent amount of work in over four weeks, and if this continues much longer, there is no point in trying to do my PhD, because my understanding is impaired. Although the need to finish my PhD to satisfy some sort of self-image is very quickly going down the drain, i.e. I can easily imagine myself being happy some other way, but I also think that it will be a shame if I throw away a career which is very fun to do when one's mind is working well.

So it is a bit of a daft situation: now I can't think properly, but I have the material conditions to do this PhD (scholarship, place, subject, training); and later I will be able to (hopefully), but I might have missed my opportunity!

Now, I wouldn't call it a "problem", because there is a solution (and I only see one), which is getting the whole meditation thing done once and for all. Hmm... Should I ignore pain and proceed doing it no matter how much it hurts? If only I knew someone who had the same experience with meditation...

Don't ignore anything. That is just identifying it as soemthing the self doesn't like and thus identifying with it. You wanna do the opposite. Dis-identify!! Include the pain in the noting. It all goes into the awakening making machine. Plop it in there and note it. Keep going!!!!


Edited to add: I misread soem of your post. Dont over do it. Go walking and note while walking. Split it up and stretch your legs while walking. That will keep the flow of disidentification going and ease the pain somehwat. Don't over do it. Break it up with walking or stretching. No need for heroics.

"If only I knew someone who had the same experience with meditation..."

Ooh man, this sounds too familiar. Bruno, would you take the advice of a pre-path-er?

I went through something very similar, I think. I was doing a practice where I started hunting down the sense of self so that I could then objectify it. Pretty much non-stop after a while, like a habit. And it seemed like I was right on the verge of something. I was hypersensative and super alert. I was picking up on subtlier and subtlier sensations... so close.

(Meanwhile, I wasn't feeling whole at all. If I wasn't hunting, I felt like I was losing all my progress and I was more aware of all my responsibilities I was letting slide. I wanted to give up, but nothing seemed worth doing instead. Anything I would do, I would do 110%. Too much effort, too much desperation. By the way, I didn't have a teacher at the time, so no fall back there.)

At this point, I would say if you aren't relaxed -- and especially if your sleeping has been affected in any way --- and if you don't have someone you could seek advice from, I personally would recommend backing off. Modest exercise, lots of sunlight and fresh air, lots of distractions like movies or tv, and the company of positive friends. Don't try to fix anything, don't try and achieve anything. And don't make any life decisions at this point -- keep everything the same and just try to coast for a while. Lazy and easy. Let things sort themselves out.

Be ready for the potential for a crash or for the pendulum swinging the other way. In fact, if this happens it's a very good sign that you were pushing too hard.

Good luck! May you be calm and at ease. May you be healthy and whole. May you face the difficulties, challenges, frustrations, and failures in your life. May you awaken at the right time. May you be free from suffering. May you be happy!!!!

.... and feel free to disregard if my suggestions don't seem intuitively right.

It just seems all too familiar -- the method, the intensity, the lack of grounding and inability to think properly, the implications on career/education... I had to say something.

Maybe I am missing something here but Bruno's practice doesn't seem unreasonably intense. Compare this with the intensive Mahasi style retreats where people note 18 hours a day for weeks/months at a time (specifically I am thinking about the Panditarama retreats where there is intense psychological pressure to maintain the noting at all times). If it were me I would be talking to a doctor at this point.

Might want to take a look at why these sensations seem so important. *hint hint*

Nickolay, thanks I always appreciate your input, even when it's goofy

betawave, would you please put more effort into describing phenomenologically what you went through? I am certainly well grounded, at least energy-body-wise (no excessive energetic symptoms like rushes, surges, etc), and I don't have any problems sleeping 8 hours or more every night (although my dreams are quite agitated). I am not super-alert, actually I am often less alert than I would like.

The career thing is really an unfortunate matter, as, regardless of what I do, it seems that getting my mind to work right again might take a long time, and I do have a limited time to come up with stuff to put on my thesis. There simply isn't any such thing as "cruising along" in my current career choice (how often I have dreamed of an working an easy part-time job instead!)

Owen, I don't know where to look to answer that question. The (place that is interpreted as a) centerpoint is painful, ridden with tension, flutters obtusely, and gets in the way of things, for instance to the point that I will find myself quite often during the day blinking my eyes in synch to the fluttering.

I could well be doing something wrong in my practice, and if I start spinning theories about it I can freak myself out, and would rather not, so I won't --- but all I really want at this point is to get the dharma thing over with .... maybe there's no way to accelerate it, but how could I ever tell if that's true?

Today I did 7h of seemingly very bad, unpleasant, pointless practice. Then I went for a walk in the garden...

"Maybe I am missing something here but Bruno's practice doesn't seem unreasonably intense. Compare this with the intensive Mahasi style retreats where people note 18 hours a day for weeks/months at a time (specifically I am thinking about the Panditarama retreats where there is intense psychological pressure to maintain the noting at all times). If it were me I would be talking to a doctor at this point.

"

different people, different times in life, different contexts = different limits and therefore different intensities of practice having different effects as these variables shift.

soft limit (imagined, assumed limits of mind and body) must be pushed past in order to grow.
pushing past hard limit (actual limit of actual psychophysical capacity) causes sometimes irreversible damage to mind and body.

Extremely important discernment to make.
Better to err on the side of caution and self-respect.

Also, in my own experience, I have found that this sort of desperation-- even if it feels like I'm really on the right track-- is actually a symptom of bad practice, in a very specific way.
In one moment there is unconscious tension somewhere in body mind. In the next I have objectified it-- I am seeing, not being, that specific self-contracting act or locus. Yet this doesn't result in transformation, no matter how much I notice that this locus of contraction is not-self, impermanent and unsatisfactory. Why not?
That's because, it seems, what has actually happened is I have dis-embedded from a coarse contraction by taking up the point of view of a subtler contraction which seems to be the subject observing the denser one which previously was unconscious.
This is pointless and inneffective, unbalances mind and body, and results in peculiar symptoms such as dropping off of certain functions or hyperacuity of other functions.
Conversely, what seems to instantly shift or release the thing is to shift from unconsciously being the knot, to consciously being it-- completely surrendering into it. Then it releases itself automatically.

From unconsciously being it, to consciously being it, with as little time as possible consciously seeing it, since the latter is just a trick of ego shifting viewpoint.
Being it consciously it relaxes itself naturally. In the wake of this relaxation I have either felt more open, empty, free for a little while or else have experienced what seems to be the complete dropping away of a particular level of egocentricity-- an apparently lasting shift in baseline identity from more to less contracted, less to more open and free.
Upon reflection after discovering this principle, I can see that every momentary breakthrough whether fleeting or leaving me permanently altered in its wake seems to have been preceded by such a moment of relaxing into dualistic tension rather than observing it.

That is interesting Jake, and maybe that's exactly what is happening (the "centerpoint" does seem to be "seen," rather than me "being it", maybe I'm making an extra duality). I will try to work with that suggestion, and see where it leads.

I definitely need to relax, I am starting to get convinced that this head pain might be a result of bad practice.

Sounds good, my friend. I hope this helps! I know I caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain that way, but we are all different. I wanted to chime in because I know without doubt in my case that I ended up chasing a chimeric ego which was actually an artifact of my practice. I think this is natural though insofar as insight disease seems to be the becoming conscious of patterns of self-disturbance which characterize everyone, whether they've caught the bug or not.

In this sense at least, "insight disease" seems just the result of egocentric consciousness perpetuating its illusory solidity and continuity through trying to dismantle or do away with itself rather than through ordinary worldly pursuits like pleasure, friendship, material wealth etc. The irony seems to be that pleasure, friends, and nice things are even more enjoyable the less they're clung to as confirmation of ego while practice becomes less enjoyable the more it is clung to in that way. Kind of funny, really! Keep us posted and may you and everyone else be free Right Now!

"That is interesting Jake, and maybe that's exactly what is happening (the "centerpoint" does seem to be "seen," rather than me "being it", maybe I'm making an extra duality). I will try to work with that suggestion, and see where it leads.

I definitely need to relax, I am starting to get convinced that this head pain might be a result of bad practice."

Yes, heyBruno, Jake's spot on. Rather than creating another observation point to observe the center point arise, just note it as it arises as just another sensation and don't fixate on whether it is the "centre point" or not. Just note it and let it go and thennote whatever else comes up to take centre stage. That way it all just becomes a mass of sensations arising and passing away and you are not singling out specific sensations putting them up on a pedestal, thus creating more of the duality conundrum. Because to land 4th path, you gotta see it all as the same. No sensation better than, no sensation worse than. All the same. Just see it all as more of the same old sensations. Nothing special. Centrepoint Shmentapoint!

"Owen, I don't know where to look to answer that question. The (place that is interpreted as a) centerpoint is painful, ridden with tension, flutters obtusely, and gets in the way of things, for instance to the point that I will find myself quite often during the day blinking my eyes in synch to the fluttering.

"

I would posit the theory that they seem so important because you are, on some level, still assuming them to be you. If that's true (and it was for me) they take on exaggerated importance and the increased attention to the sensations of self winds up creating more sensations of self to be noted. It winds up being a dead end.

The key to getting it done for me was not to compulsively investigate the sensations of self, but to acknowledge that I didn't know anything about how anything actually worked and decide that I'd suffered enough.

Think about it this way, if you want to know something you not only have to look at it but before you look you have to know you don't know it, otherwise you will only see your ideas and will remain trapped.

If you want to understand your true nature, you have to assume that you don't understand it at all. Once you do it will be right in front of you and you will *cackle* at the enormity of the joke. Good luck man. I'm rooting for ya.

"betawave, would you please put more effort into describing phenomenologically what you went through? I am certainly well grounded, at least energy-body-wise (no excessive energetic symptoms like rushes, surges, etc), and I don't have any problems sleeping 8 hours or more every night (although my dreams are quite agitated). I am not super-alert, actually I am often less alert than I would like.

The career thing is really an unfortunate matter, as, regardless of what I do, it seems that getting my mind to work right again might take a long time, and I do have a limited time to come up with stuff to put on my thesis. There simply isn't any such thing as "cruising along" in my current career choice (how often I have dreamed of an working an easy part-time job instead!)

"

Bruno, you're getting a lot of good advice here...

Sounds like my deal was similar in the sense that I was actively trying to "pursue" the centerpoint, rather than letting it arise along with everything else. It became more like chasing my own tail rather than making progress. I just got worried when you said/say things like your mind wasn't working right. That seemed to suggest a similar kind of do-loop that isn't productive.

Yeah, thanks betawave and Jake --- damn, it's really good to have such a community to compare experiences with!

Indeed I think this might sum up what was happening: """That's because, it seems, what has actually happened is I have dis-embedded from a coarse contraction by taking up the point of view of a subtler contraction which seems to be the subject observing the denser one which previously was unconscious. This is pointless and ineffective, unbalances mind and body, and results in peculiar symptoms such as dropping off of certain functions or hyperacuity of other functions."""

What puzzles me is that it happens of its own accord, and it is hard to tell if/when I am subtly artificially maintaining it, or and if/when it is just "doing itself."

My approach to this matter will be the following: If the noticing of the self contraction becomes even slightly obsessive (which, like kenneth once mentioned, is a recipe for pain), I stop what I'm doing, relax, go take a rest, take a walk, nap, go eat, something like that.

"The irony seems to be that pleasure, friends, and nice things are even more enjoyable the less they're clung to as confirmation of ego while practice becomes less enjoyable the more it is clung to in that way. "

Brilliant. Ha! Thanks for this...

"
What puzzles me is that it happens of its own accord, and it is hard to tell if/when I am subtly artificially maintaining it, or and if/when it is just "doing itself."
"

Yup, as I become more sensitive to this dualistic tension it becomes more obvious that the I that I think I am in any moment IS this contraction "doing itself". the good news is that it undoes itself just as automatically. It *is* an artificial, unnecessary effort--- which is doing itself! Bizarre, right? It takes A. Lot. Of. Work. to maintain the illusion of duality.

And your instinct to relax is a great one-- you could even take it a step further and make relaxation, letting go, the practice itself. The dualistic tension requires effort to maintain, is therefore intermittent, constantly shifting from feeling "on top of things" to feeling overwhelmed by "life" out there.

Its very impermanence or discontinuity, coupled with the fact that it keeps re-arising, indicates that it IS obsession as such, compulsive activity of struggling to exist in a way it is impossible to exist-- as separate, permanent, etc.

Cut loose and relax completely, without seeking a particular experience. What is is. Become sensitive to this tension and its very arising becomes the reminder to relax completely. Recognition occurs more and more swiftly, relaxation becomes more and more complete, re-arising of dualistic tension becomes less and less read as "self".

Enjoy a moment of relief from the struggle to "be" a separate self, even if only for half an instant. Becoming sensitive to this issue, this choice, inevitably leads to more freedom and openness and less suffering and confusion. Inevitably!

Practice monday and tuesday was feeling and relaxing the body. The practice feels nice, and I can relax in a way I didn't know I could before (and maybe actually couldn't).

However my concentration has gone from bad to really bad. Subtle noise-whisperings take up a large bandwidth of my mind. Doing the bare essentials of my job is difficult (I mean correcting student's homeworks, I won't even talk about research).

Through my discussions with Kenneth, you guys, my PhD adviser, and myself, I have come to the plausible conclusion that I have come to this unpleasant place through over-straining in my practice.

I very sadly must renounce my decision of practicing vipassana 4h a day + all weekend until I attain arhatship, as judging by where I ended up in, it seems to be working against that goal.

It's just that something about life feels so off, like I was in a waiting room, waiting for what life really is about. Practicing more and more felt like the best way I could make the clock tick faster. Now it turns out it was counter-productive.

I need rest.

You don't "need" to practice. You just need to be present with whatever is there in the very moment. Do that and then let grace take over. Have fun with it. Much easier ride that way.

"I very sadly must renounce my decision of practicing vipassana 4h a day + all weekend until I attain arhatship, as judging by where I ended up in, it seems to be working against that goal."-Bruno

Excellent choice, Bruno, and one I wholeheartedly support. You will attain 4th Path anyway. We don't know exactly how long it will take, and it isn't up to us anyway. But you are wise to recognize that it is not necessary to choose between sanity and enlightenment. The "middle way" allows for both. What's more, you can finish your PhD as well if you are not cooking yourself through over-efforting. So... you will eventually be a sane, enlightened PhD, which I take to be a very good thing.

Kenneth