Andy's practice thread

I was doing 'scales' again this evening.

Noting sensations: tension, hearing, pressure, touching, warmth, tightness, prickling, tension, hearing, seeing, shimmering, flashing, hearing, touching, tingling, coolness, tightness.

Noting vedana: pleasant, unpleasant, neutral

Noting mindstates: confusion, aversion, frustration, irritation, calmness, uncertainty, calmness, anticipation, desire, annoyance, irritation, self-criticism,

Noting thoughts: visual thought, remembering thought, visual thought, visual thought, dharma technique thought, critical thought, visual thought, visual thought, visual thought, visual thought, visual thought, visual thought, visual thought, remembering thought, visual thought, visual thought

Simply because it was so overwhelming, I spent much of the practice focusing on a knot in my left shoulder, by the neck. I watched it move from hardness and tightness to tingling, fuzzing and vibrating, to the point where I was imagining it a little indent, filled with vibrations that was being stirred around and around. I felt the vibrations grow all the way over my shoulder, and I got cool rushes up the spine.

Towards the end I tried to be really honest with the thoughts. I process almost everything visually. There is barely a second that my mind isn't imagining something, whether its relevant to what else is going on or not. Before it seemed kinda dumb to note all of these visual thoughts, but tonight I gave it a go: visual thought, visual thought, visual thought, visual thought, visual thought etc. It seemed to have some effect as I started feeling cold, got tingles and vibrations all over my body, particularly the shoulders, back, neck and head.

More scales this morning. Focusing on become more "honest" about noting: trying to get really close the most immediate sensation and label it precisely and confidently. This is generally easy with body sensations and sounds, but harder with vedana, mindstates and thoughts.

I've slowed down the speed of my noting mindstates so that I have enough time to actually examine what is going on and note it, rather than half-guessing what's there. Also, I'm trying not to auto-group mindstates: i.e. if I have noticed aversion, not to assume that irratation or frustration are there too. More and more I'm finding that calmness can arise just after annoyance, contentedness after restlessness.

I also had a strange experience of no-self this morning, noting the "bad" mindstates: aversion, frustration, boredom, restlessness etc. I became aware that I was keeping them somehow separate, in this other persona, which then sort of turned itself around and faced me. That isn't my attempt at post-event rationalisation or some sort of psychologising: it's actually how it felt in the moment, and sent ripples of cool energy up my spine when I recognised it.

Seems I haven't posted in a while. This is because largely there is nothing to report. I'm just getting on with it as best I can, noting, noting, noting.

Kenneth asked me the other week whether I could identify a clear progress of development through my sits. I wasn't sure that I could. Sometimes I get two distinct cold rushes up the spine - the first exciting and energising and the second uncanny and full of dread - which, as I've said before, are probably A&P and Fear. But at other times I don't get anything in the way of clear and recognisable stages.

I'm trying to note more slowly - once a second, getting a rhythm up - which allows me to spend the second half of each second "listening" for the sensation that is most prominent. Inevitably, I notice more than I can note, so whatever I choose to label verbally has to be the sensation that is dominating my experience. What is "louder", the noise of the street outside, the tingling in my shoulder or the mental image of either of those things? I hope that by slowing down I'm noting more accurately.

My concentration seems to be better, after going through a very poor patch. I'm trying to put a little bit more effort and energy into concentration practice, and not just see it as a space to chill out before noting.

I'm a bit ambivalent about practice at the moment. I'm sometimes content to just keep going - without too much thinking about how I'm doing (hence the lack of posting) - and sometimes frustrated or even dismayed by my (perceived) lack of progress. But Kenneth says the dissatisfaction *is* progress, so now I worry when I actually enjoy my sits!

I had a very busy week last week, some days only managing 45 mins or half an hour of formal sitting, so this afternoon I sat for two hours solid to get my game back up.

Still nothing to report though really. I'm trying not to let my awareness become constricted and aversive when I encounter pain or unpleasantness. I'm trying to be open to it all, not manipulate my experience and note in a gentle voice, accepting whatever comes. I've actually found that avoiding words like "tightness" or "pain" helps me to focus on the sensations rather than my reaction to the senstations: I've started using words like "solidity", "pressure", "burning", "stinging", "pushing" etc.

No fireworks. No excitement. Just a mixture of boredom and mild pain really.

In our lesson yesterday, Kenneth suggested I pay more attention towards thoughts during my sits, because this will help counteract the boredom and distraction. So this morning I really ramped up the noting of thoughts, make them the primary foundation of my practice rather than the body or external sounds.

It really worked! I found that I rarely got bored, in fact, I became very happy and content just to sit there. I allowed myself to feel a little more playful and loose, which really helped minimize aversion and, counter-intuitively, I was able to get much much more precise about noting, just by relaxing my mental grip a bit.

I think I am now beginning to understand all the various teachings about acceptance that I've come across over the years. There's that bit in Daniel Ingram's book where he talks about noting practice as a bit like playing Space Invaders, except for the fact that all the 'aliens' (i.e. the phenomena you're noting) aren't trying to attack you, they're just looking for recognition, acknowledgement and acceptance. I really felt I understood that today. Instead of feeling aversive towards thoughts that came up, or getting distracted by them, I simply let them do their thing and noted them as they did. Imaging thought. Remembering thought. Imaging thought. Evaluation thought. Futurising thought. It sounds a bit cheesy to say that I felt I was 'honouring' these thoughts, but that's really what it felt like. I didn't want to be anywhere else, because I was present with my experience, even though I wasn't letting the thoughts take me away.

Also: the idea that I don't actually have to suffer! I don't really know for sure when I first crossed the A&P, but I've had the symptoms of a dark night yogi for as long as I can really remember. It's rather wonderful to be able to ease off, relax, release control and suffer a bit less.

Hmmm. That didn't seem to last very long!

If that was a brief taste of equanimity, then I'm back to aversion, pain, boredom and distraction. I just did an 80minute sit, 25 of shamatha and 55 of vipassana. Very poor concentration in the shamatha - I could barely manage three breaths in a row - and then lots of distraction, frustration and boredom in the vipassana. I noted all these things, but there were still times when my mind would veer off and I'd be noting body sensations while actually just thinking about other things. No contentment, no willingness to stay with it, just desire to be rid of it all. to get up and walk off.

Dukkha central, basically.

Just did two sits in a row.

20 minutes of shamatha. A light focus on the breath and the nostrils, leading to a pleasant pull from the front/top of the head, which I found I could sink into and feel fairly focused. This lasted for maybe three minutes, and then thoughts would arise and distract me and I would try to return to that pleasant pulling sensation. At times it seemed to feel too strong, and I would get anxious or scared by it, and then have to reassure myself that it was okay and allow myself to sink in.

After 20 minutes, a bell rang and I switched to vipassana. Noting: "hearing, warmth, touching, imaging thought, imaging thought, evaluation thought, tightness, imaging thought' and so on, mostly focused on my upper body, hands, head and the external sounds. Occasionally I would note the pressure of the cushion, the warmth of my legs on the floor.

Soon a bright itch arose somewhere on my right back. It could have been just below the shoulder blade, or maybe lower down beneath the ribs. I focused on it and it quickly faded. Other sensations seemed more prominent, but I kept getting called back to the itch. It became a tickle - very light, with none of the sharpness of an itch. Then it brightened again, and I could feel its shape, a curve (like a smile) about a fingerwidth in diameter on the skin. I noted the aversion of staying with it, and then promised that I would watch it, accept it, listen to it, as best I could without wishing it away. A minute or so later my torso bubbled over with ripples, cool rushes up the spine, pleasant tingles and a feeling of joy, happiness and excitement. The itch had gone, or at least faded so much that focusing on where it had been felt similar to focusing on any other part of my back. As the cool rushes faded, I focused again on noting, much the same as before, with fewer thoughts and more physical tension.

A few minutes later, I had another cool rush, rapturous but also creepy and unnerving. Quite literally chilling. Soon the bell rang, and my sit was over: an hour in total.

I then went into the kitchen to knead some dough for bread that I was making (which I tried to do mindfully!) and then I went back to my cushion to start again about ten minutes later.

I began with shamatha again, now quite distracted and unfocused, and after ten minutes switched to vipassana. I quickly experienced both the pleasant surges and then the creepy surges in the first two minutes.

The rest of the sit is harder to recall in detail. Sometimes my focus was tight, at other times I felt like I needed to expand my centre of awareness and shift to second or third gear practices. I seemed to get some results from noting as a witness - "Look how it feels tension. Look how it feels anxiety. Look how it tingles. Look how it fantacises" - and also from using the third gear position, which Kenneth has taught me as "listening to the boats in the harbour" (I don't live near one). I also questioned allowed: "Who is experience this? Who is feeling anxious? Who is meditating?" and so on. Each question sending shivers and tingles up my spine.

Eventually I started to feel this weird pull from the back of my head. Uncomfortably and sometimes hot. Eventually though this faded, and I was left in a kind of boring state, with not a lot going on. I tried to note boredom, restlessness etc but I knew the timer was about to go and so I became distracted towards the end of the sit.

1hr40mins, both sits combined. I will do 20 minutes later to get my total up for today.

I just feel stuck at the moment. Really really stuck. Like I'm going nowhere and I'm missing something very important.

Every sit is the same. Noting aloud, consistently, - occasionally distracted by thoughts - sometimes with a couple of cool rushes up the spine. Pain is still there in the shoulders. Some anxiety. Lots of speculation, mapping thoughts and imaging thoughts.

Anyone want to offer some advice? I could really do with something to shake up my practice again and get me moving...

I'm really going for it at the moment. 2 hours a day for the last ten days.

One development is that I entered first jhana for the first time on Saturday evening. Of course, in Kenneth's understanding of the nyanas, I must have passed through the first jhana (and indeed the second) in order to cross the A&P (as Kenneth reckons I have). But Saturday night was the first time I felt that I was accessing first jhana in an easily identifiable way. It felt wonderful, it made me really happy, I was grinning from ear to ear and I entered it using a very relaxed and easeful style of practice, focusing my attention on the sense of ease at the core of my torso and skull that arose as the breath entered and left my body. I stayed there for maybe a few minutes and bounced out again. I have attained access concentration since then, but nothing more.

Otherwise it's just the vipassana slog, day in day out. I can vouch for the effectiveness of ping-pong style noting. I tried it with my girlfriend the other day. She has almost no meditation experience but amazingly we both made it through a 60 minute sit, 20 minutes of shamatha, followed by 40 of noting. I did my best to relay Kenneth's teaching to her, and we ping-ponged consistently all the way through. Having another person there really wipes out the aversion and the temptation to clockwatch or to end the session early. It's also rather moving, having such a direct line to what another person - particularly your partner - is experiencing. We had a few moments of "amusement" and a few of "empathy", noted just like everything else.

In my own noting practice, the most important thing for me at the moment is to try to get really close to the sensations that I'm noting. It's too easy to note "pressure" or "tightness" or "irritation" without making the effort to really get up close to it, to allow it to fill my experience. When I don't become intimate with sensations, I get distracted or lost in thought. I then realise I'm distracted, and become aversive and restless. But if I stay with each sensation, whatever it is, without second-guessing anything, I can be quite content. That's why ping-pong really works: sure, you don't get every sensation, but it really forces you to look at what is happening right after the other person has noted. It's like having a little frame to look through: you can't choose what is there or what isn't.

Hey, congratulations on intentionally achieving first jhana. Woot! The extra time you've been putting in must be making a difference.

I'm teetering on the edge of equanimity. Some days when I'm tired and inattentive - like most of this week, in fact - my sits are pure re-observation: lots of avoidance tactics, clockwatching, aversion, pain, disgust and distraction.

But I know that I can push the forward edge of my practice past this point. The week before last I was camping with friends in the Lake District, and managed to keep up my 2-hour-a-day vow, sometimes getting up at 5.30 just to squeeze the morning session in. I found a beautiful secluded spot under the trees - yfrog.com/gy1asqjj - and sat like one of those heavy cats from the days of yore, as Kenneth would say. I found that meditating outside is probably a worthwhile exercise in itself. There are so many more sensations to contend with: the different sounds of the wind in the trees, bird calls, distant laughter, air brushing my face, the patterns of sunlight on my eyelids, the cold in the extremities of my body. But I found that even in the chill of some unusually strong winds, I was able to get quite equanimous and contented. The pain and discomfort of sitting was still there, but it was just doing its thing, not really bothering me. Tension became collections of discernable sensations, rather than great rafts of unpleasantness. It was interesting, rather than aversive.

Today, I did a two hour sit after lunch and regained that striding edge of equanimity. I'm still not at the point of sitting comfortably for hours on end without wanting to get up, but with calm noting and a bit of listening to the ships I'm in a pretty contented place. Sometimes I feel the stillness wants to solidify into something - i.e. jhana - but it's actually much freer just sitting with it in the background, and allowing everything - pain, thoughts, sounds - to float through.

Currently on day 15 of my latest 2 hour a day run, which I hope to keep up until my retreat at Gaia House this Friday.

Hello everyone!

I am back from my very first proper vipassana retreat, at Gaia House under the guidance of Bhante Bodhidhamma, a British-born monk who trained with U Janaka. Bhante had a good approach in general, albeit with a little too much religious dogma for my taste. He did believe that lay people could be liberated, but all the examples of enlightened beings that he pointed to were all much-lauded monks in south east Asia, rather than any ordinary folk per se. And at least one retreatant (not me) brought up the subject of Daniel Ingram's book and the pragmatic dharma movement. Apparently Bhante's response was "Dr Ingram has raised his head above the parapet, and soon enough someone will shoot him down." So there you go.

I was aiming for stream entry on this retreat. Not because I thought I could be that close (my resolution, last August was to spend the next year cultivating the first jhana), but because Kenneth said I was going to "pop". I made a resolution to achieve this - admittedly with doubt as well as determination - and ultimately failed to make it happen. But I still feel that there were some benefits to the retreat including:

- An increased ability to "frame" the sensation present at any given moment between the noting words, especially when noting aloud, which I tried to do in my room for an hour or so a day.
- An increased ability to note mindstates and intentions.
- An increased ability to move beyond thought loops and even catch them when they arise in the body. For example, after a dharma talk on rebirth and karma that got me muttering away to myself about dogma and doctrine that I couldn't believe, I focused on the sensation of vibrations and agitation in the centre of my chest, and it soon subsided.
- Some levels of equanimity: I definitely had at least two moments of very wonderful equanimity, lasting for maybe 15 minutes each. [...cont]

[...cont]
I noted stillness, spaciousness, calmness, investigation, etc etc.
- A much improved ability and lessened aversion to walking meditation. I like walking, but I can't bear the slow walking stuff for very long. So I forced myself to do it: inside and out, with shoes and without, for up to 45 minutes at a time (between sits). I did eventually start to see the benefit: feeling the precise sensations of the different parts of the foot on the floor, finding the precise moment when the toe lifts or when the heel lands. And it did seem to ease some of the physical tension of sitting for so long (we did 10 hours of formal practice a day, walking or sitting).
- The ability to start noting without really deciding to. Arriving into London an hour or so ago, I found myself noting immediately - left, right, left, right - as I walked through the station - hearing, smelling, coolness, seeing etc. I am going to try to keep this up a bit in daily life, at least as much as my sanity can bear.

Unfortunately, the main consequence of the retreat is a whole load of tension. I managed to find a sitting posture that eased the tension in my shoulders (see previous reports) but it ended up collecting in my head. I actually sent a rather panicky email to Kenneth worrying about a throbbing in my brain and throat, which - to my embarrassment - I realised was just my tongue, locked into a horrendously tense and uncomfortable position. I'm going to try to take measures to relax over the next few weeks, but at the moment I feel like I've been unhelpfully rewired.

With this retreat included, I'm now onto 28 days of at least 2 hours of practice a day. Let's see how long I can keep it up!

With this kind of practice I'm sure you're ready to pop soon.
Great job!

Thanks Rev! The encouragement means a lot.

I finally caved and missed a day last week. One day I could only manage 1h40, and then the next day I didn't sit at all. It was a combination of the pain described above, a huge dose of psychological aversion and a great deal of tiredness thrown in.

When I restarted again, I discovered something interesting. A few months ago, I was getting these two very distinct landmarks during my sits. One was a cool rush up the spine, with a sense of spaciousness, opening and joy (which I had diagnosed as the A&P). A few minutes after this would come another cool rush, still ecstatic and pleasurable in a way, but also creepy, uncanny and accompanied by paranoid thoughts or disturbing mental images. This I diagnosed as Fear.

Anyway, for a long time these "fireworks" faded from my practice. There are a number of reasons why this might've been the case.

1. I was, for a while, riding the jhanic arc successfully up to Fear and maybe beyond. Then, for some reason I consistently failed to penetrate the 3Cs and pass the A&P on a daily basis.
2. I was riding the jhanic arc successfully on a daily basis, but the intensity of the A&P and Fear had faded so as to be impossible to notice.
3. I had somehow semi-permanently penetrated the 3Cs, and was staying above the A&P between sits, thanks to consistent practice. As soon as my consistent practice stopped, I fell back below the A&P.

I don't know which of these is the most likely. Number 1 is perhaps the traditional explanation, but it doesn't make sense considering I was doing the most practice I've ever done in my life, including a 10 day retreat. Number 2 also makes sense within the dogma, but I find it kind of hard to believe from my own perspective.

Number 3 is an unorthodox view: tradition says that the only way to stay above the A&P between meditation periods is to be get stream entry / First Path, and then you never fall back below the A&P, ever. So the idea that I could be temporarily above it isn't really kosher, but it's the only thing that makes sense from my point of view.

The tension in my head is largely gone, but I still get some pulsing around the "third eye" area. The tightness is now back in my shoulders, I'm having trouble concentrating and noting thoughts precisely. But I'm upping the resolve and noting all the way through my sits, with no looking at the clock or slacking off, even for a moment.

I have the same experience. I think Daniel somewhere talks about people getting stuck on the far side of A&P as well.

When you hit the next developmental phase you start out at the mind and body level of that phase and have to work up through 3 characteristics to the new A&P.

"When you hit the next developmental phase you start out at the mind and body level of that phase and have to work up through 3 characteristics to the new A&P."

Hi Mumuwu,
So would you say that I'm either failing to break through the A&P on most sits, or that I'm simply not noticing the fact that I am doing so?

As a way of backing up Theory Number 3: today I experienced Disgust (8th nyana) without any recognisable A&P or Fear before it.

I felt nauseous, grossed out, really aversive, fidgety and restless, but also exhausted. Lumps of tension moving around my spine. Concentration was pretty poor, especially when I was doing my pure shamatha practice at the start of the sit. I did manage to note pretty consistently the whole way through, with only a few moments of wandering mind.

I may have got up to the 9th nyana, Desire for Deliverance, by the end - if only because I really wanted it to be over!

I am not an expert, but it's very possible that you're crossing the A&P without noticing it. As you become more familiar with the territory, it can go by quicker and more subtly - maybe just a second of vibratory activity early in the sit. I think this is your #2. Why do you find it "hard to believe"? Try to see if you can catch a whiff of it.

"...get stream entry / First Path, and then you never fall back below the A&P, EVER." [emphasis mine] I think Mu's comment was in reference to this. You won't fall below the A&P while you're in review phase A, but then you start from the beginning on the next cycle.

Andy,

Do you have first path? It sounds like you were in the midst of the dukkha nanas when you sat and as such you didn't have to move up to them.

Nadav - Thanks for the input. You could well be right. But since you asked, the reason I find Number #2 hard to believe because when I do experience the A&P it is so noticeable. It lasts a few seconds, and consists of a cool, pleasurable rush up the spine, with a sense of expansion, opening and "ahhh". In the sits where I don't notice it, it would literally have to be "invisible" - i.e. with almost no characteristics - if it is happening at all.

Mu - I am, by all accounts, pre-stream entry. I haven't really talked about this jhanic arc stuff with Kenneth, so I'd be interested in his take on it. I hadn't really enough of the map theory to understand how it is supposed to work traditionally to talk about it much before.