Anthony's Practice Notes 2

Starting up a new thread. I feel like my practice is radically different from where I was a year ago. Currently my practice is all about trying to be aware of what I am experiencing right now and then I objectify it. I try to put in 30-60 min per day of formal meditation but I think the bulk and most important development of my practice is through my daily activity (work, school, relationships, eating, leisure time, ect..)

Sometimes I theory-craft too much and try to intellectually solve this 'no-self' thing. But then I note '˜thinking' and sometimes ask, 'Who is thinking?' and I get back on track.

Please feel free to jump in on any topic and I am so grateful for any feedback or pointers.

-Anthony
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In particular I wanted to log an experience that I had last night lying in bed.

I started with noting bodily sensations and also thoughts and memories and the bodily sensations that partner with them. I started to focus on objectifying my thoughts more. I kept asking 'Who is thinking?' or 'What the hell am I?!' At some point I lost the feeling that 'I' was watching.

For a moment there it felt like I was dreaming while awake. You know how sometimes you dream crazy things and events and when you wake up it may take you a minute to realize none of that happened and you were just lying in your bed the whole time?

This was kinda like that. I was observing my body and mind but for a few moments I had no idea that it was mine. It was a total un-invested and non-personalized observation. Only a few seconds later did I realize that I was observing me. I had that thought, 'Oh ya. Wait. That was me, Anthony. Ok. I'm back now but where did I go!' Even though I was only watching me I didn't feel like I was actually there. I was quite a bit disorientated after that. My vision, with eyes closed, kept zooming ahead like I was leaping forward 10 feet instantaneously. I think I feel asleep soon after.

I woke up this morning feeling way more groggy than usual (I did have a really long day though). My memory was fuzzy and it was really hard to get my noting up and working. Only now, after a cup of coffee, am I able to put all of this together. Which is why I think practice notes are super usefull.
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Yesterday:
As is my daily goal, I try to be aware of what's going on in my field of experience in each moment. I find that this is easily lost when I communicate with other people or I am doing work. My self starts to contract again and it takes awhile (even a couple of hours) for me to remember that it is my goal to objectify that.

I said something embarrassing in class. I felt heat on my face. I felt the feeling of people watching me, unpleasant. I almost didn't catch this but I noticed subtle layers of mental cover-up going on. My mind began to shut out the current moment and start thinking of how good it will feel to get out of class and go home and play video games and eat some junk food.

I noted aversion; aversion to this embarrassing moment. Also, there was aversion to dealing with my minds attempt to play cover-up. It seemed clear to me that my ego was feeling hurt and it wanted to feel good again. Since it couldn't do that right away it started to fantasize about future activities that will feel good.

How much of my life is spent doing that?

Cont'¦
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I relax into the moment. Observing everything just letting it happen. Floating sensations arise. An itch occurs. I was about to downshift and note it and call it pleasant/unpleasant but I choked on the response. I forgot which one was which if you can believe it. It wasn't very clear at that precise moment it occurred. Oh ya, unpleasant! Back to second gear: Who feels unpleasant? What makes you think it's unpleasant, ect'¦

I shifted up and down the gears this way for the last half of the sit. I should have sat longer and investigated more. Oh well, what's the hurry. (which is strange because I felt like I was in such a big hurry to get it done last week) I wonder where I am on the maps. I am not good at recognizing nanas and it doesn't bother me. Just as long as I keep putting money in the bank and opening doors I believe I will get it done.
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Today:
I just had a good 30min sit. Usually when I feel that a meditation was good there was some sort of fun jhana involved or a clear experience of nana or some other good state or experience achieved.

There wasn't anything spectacular about today's sit, or most of my sits in the past few days. But I do feel better (calm and slightly unattached to my 'stuff') and I get a nice sense that I have been putting money in the bank.

First I cultivated my concentration a bit by focusing on the breath. In out, in out'¦ Then I began noting out loud, 'See how it sits, see how it hears, itching, itching, vibration, hearing-unpleasant (loud noise), aching, coolness, See how it sits-pressure, expansion, tingling, hearing, coolness, itching, itching, itching, coolness, ect'¦

Then I shifted a bit into asking questions to the self. Who am I? '¦. Aching muscle- unpleasant. Why is that unpleasant? Who feels unpleasant? Where are these thoughts originating at?

My mind becomes calm. No answers arise. Not really what I wanted. I wanted that damn self to fight back and give me something to focus on. Oh well, since my mind is quiet how about some 3rd gear.

cont...

My current practice notes/commentary:

Last night: After a period of noting out loud and sharpening my attention. I dropped noting and just tried to be fully present with any sensation that popped up. Pulsing, vibrating, expansion, floating, zooming, skipping sensations are the norm lately.

I gravitated towards asking What is me? I remembered that if you are able to observe phenomena then by definition it can't be you. I investigate this. I can observe the body. I can observe feelings and thoughts. I observe something trying to observe. This part gets a bit tricky. I go round after round with this trying to observe my 'trying to observe'. What exactly is trying to get enlightened? Some desire for happiness? A combination of logical thoughts that understand that enlightenment is better than un-enlightenment? I feel awareness but I can't quit get to the point where there is awareness without the sense of a self. This raises the question: If you were able to abide in awareness without a sense of self would you still feel like you are inside your body? Will I still feel like my thoughts originate from behind my eyes? I have had the experience of existing but not existing within my body before(an earlier post) Is that the same thing?
cont...
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Life seems more like a dream than it ever was. I feel very disconnected. It could end tomorrow and I don't think I will have many regrets. I don't feel this is a dark night stage. I don't feel afraid, panicked, or that something is wrong. I am writing this because I think I may need a nudge in the right direction. This change I feel has happened over the course of a few weeks. I am not saying that a bunch of positive changes have happened. I still drink too much and can't seem to find a way to fix that with practice. Lol. But I certainly feel that I am way less aggravated by my dissatisfaction. It's just there and I don't feel the desperate pull to eradicate it.
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This practice has been interesting lately. It's like an epic game of chasing your tail. Throughout my day I am either fully embedded in my sense of self or I realize it and dis-embed for awhile, naturally leading to more 'What am I? Who am I? Who wants to know this?' questions. How in the world can ego want to destroy itself anyways? Am I deluding myself with my self? Im I falling in an age old trap of mental loop that will prolong self-realization? Most importantly, is this self-realization kick that I am on anything similar to the developmental 4 path arahatship? I keep having this feeling that I have gone off course from the practices I started with but still, somehow, going to the same destination.

I feel less suffering. I feel less invested in my life. I feel less judgment about whether someone is leading a good life or a bad life. I don't think there is a higher purpose for either one. The result is the same. We will die and then our egos, whether they were perfect angel egos or devilish egos, will dissolve. Feeling this way makes it hard to focus on school or work. My career has been a way for me to follow a passion and make a name for myself in the world of science. Right now I don't feel very motivated by that. Come to think of it I can't really pin point what I do really want out of life right now other than to solve this enlightenment puzzle.
cont...
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Last night: I did some noting and was feeling very anxious afterwards. There seemed to be extra noises outside my apartment that night. My heart was beating a little fast. I thought it was amusing.

Vipassana meditators must seem very strange to outsiders'¦. Feeling anxious, jumpy, and fearful is usually a bad thing to most people. To those who study the maps it is a joyous occasion to notice when you may be at a particular nana! I thought, 'Great. I am feeling anxious and fearful like there are people in the room with me and are about to grab me. I think I know where I am at. Knowledge of Fear. This is awesome. I am going to keep observing and see what comes next'¦'
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Last week ( spring break):

Last week I did a lot of walking and noting. I sat on average 20-30min per day. I didn't have any vacation plans for spring break so I just did a lot of walking around and thinking.

My walking was mostly like this:
See how it walks. See how it feels wind, cool, pleasant. See how it plans. See how it walks. See how it feels hungry. See how it feels an itch, neutral. See how it craves excitement. See how it feels depressed, unpleasant. See how it watches squirrels, pleasant. See how it feels wind, pleasant. See how it walks-left, right, left, right'¦

When I sit it was mostly like this (I have a habit now that after about 20-30 min. of sitting I end up laying down to continue practice but then I fall asleep!):
I close my eyes and I immediately shift into a different state- buzzing, pulsing, floating. See how it sits. See how it feels buzzing, curiosity. See how it feels back ache. See how it feels vibration, pulsing. See how it hears fan. See how it feels itching, itching, itching, vibration, tingling'¦ See how it sits. See how it thinks about future, ect'¦

Lately during my sits and after a settling-in period I start to experience blinking and zooming in my internal, closed-eyelid vision. Sometimes it seems like I zoom forward for an instant, sometimes it feels like I am zooming horizontally. It leaves me feeling a bit disoriented. Naturally I think that I am having fruitions. But it is curious to me that it is happening so frequently and every day.
cont...
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Last night:
I was very motivated to do good practice last night. I have listened to Kenneth's Spiritual Materialism audio a few times now and I have been practicing sitting without trying to get something out of it. This night I think I really had a taste of what that means.

I started with noting out loud. Eventually I came to the part of my meditation where I feel like I should be doing more to get enlightened. Craving for enlightenment comes up and I feel trapped with my daily suffering. I started to relax a bit and accept this as a normal function of my ego. I just sat with it and noted.

The difference between this session and my usual noting is subtle but I felt a big difference. I just kept letting sensations and thoughts arise and just sat with them without any administration or planning. I think this is a big thing for me. Usually I put too much emphasis on getting the next stage or getting closer to enlightenment when I sit- which, I think, has just led me to embed into my mind more fully.

Painful thoughts started to arise such as feeling that I am not getting anywhere with my practice or stressful memories from work that day. Out of habit I would start to embed in the aversion or craving mechanisms. I felt very frustrated and the thought occurred to me, 'Why does my center of operations always have to be based in the mind? Can I not just sit and be aware of mind without being drawn into its story making?"


I have been practicing this today: Being aware and existing but not as my mind. I just treat my mind as a very useful tool but not as me. It still sucks me quite often and I get caught up in its story. But I am able to notice this more often and let go and surrender to the moment.
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Last night:
1hr sit. Started with 10-15min concentration on breath. Noted outloud rest of sit. Started off with solid sensations- pressure, aching, itching. After 30min in vibrations and tingling and pulsing began. At one point it felt like my arms disapeared. I felt floating and expansion. At about 45min I started to feel aches and pains again and aggitation. I felt aversion to sitting and noted unpleasant mind states.

When the hour was up I decided to lay down and continue noting untill I fell asleep. I felt uncomfortable and at ease without being able to put my finger on it. Dukkha nanas possibly. I stayed with it and just noted objectively. Eventually I began to investigate my mind which was starting to get riled up again. I was investigating my existance and purpose vigorously. I was asking myself many questions and many thoughts were arising when I became frustrated and out of control. Finnaly I asked myself 'Who the hell is in control here?!" Immediatley after this question I had a very strong and clear vision. A glowing eye that was housed withing the outline of a diamond shape appeared. It closed its eyelid in a way that seemed like it was grabbing something and then it closed into itself and vanished.

I was a bit stunned at the clarity and realness of it. My mind was super quiet after this and I layed there kinda stunned for a bit. I felt more calm and at ease. I wasn't worked up anymore and was able to fall asleep.

Today I feel really normal. Which is abnormal for me latley. My mind is calm and not easily riled up. Also I don't feel very interested in practice today. Maybe this is Knowlege of Equinimity? I believe I am starting to notice progress through the arc more accuratley. Who knows though. It may all have been a placebo effect from a pretty cool hallucination. lol
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Past few days:

Started to work more on concentration practice. I have a blue circle that I use as a Kasina. I stare at it for as long as I can and when my eyes get dry I close them and either focus on my breath and the area around my nose and mouth or I count.

My concentration has been improving. Yesterday I sat for an hour only doing this concentration practice. My mind was very stable and workable like a tool rather than a wild monkey. Sometimes I would feel a full body throbing or bobbing up and down or front to back sensation. Eventually, I was able to rest in maybe the 3rd or 4th Jhana for some time. I felt very stable and pleasant. I was very aware of my whole body in a diffuse way. I was just sitting comfortable and content.

At this point it would have been great to start doing vipassana but I was so content with my experience it was hard to get the motivation to start doing more practice. Eventually I will merge the two together. I just wanted to give myself a few days to sharpen my concentration again.
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One hour sit last night before bed:

I was very busy yesterday. 8am to 9:30pm workday. Couldn't wait to get home and meditate for an hour.
Started with concentration for 15min. Then moved to noting. Solid sensations. Iching. Pressure. Aches and pains. Then throbbing, pulsing, head bobbing. I became very present in the moment and very aware of any sensation that popped up in the body. I would pounce on it with my attention and objectify it. Any itch or ache would eventually separate into tiny vibrations.

Then I started to have unpleasant thoughts/emotions pop up. I also felt anxiousness and a tightness in my stomach. I noted aversion to sitting. Then it unfolded into a general aversion to doing anything. As if there was no comfort to be found anywhere in life; everything is worthless and unsatisfying. During this last 20-30 min of my sit I was a big ball of disgusted hate and aversion for my life. I tried to note it as objectivly as possible knowing that whatever pops up during meditation is supposed to pop up and thus great for progress. It was difficult though.

After the hour was up I layed down and tried to surrender to it all. It felt like my mind needed something true and uplifting to settle on but all it found was unpleasent sensations and thoughts. I felt panicked and pissed off. My body was exhausted and I couldn't sleep and/or turn off my mind. I just twisted and turned all night. The inside of my head was writhing and pulsing and zooming and skipping around.

I was both surrendering to this process and feeling trapped by it. I knew I had to ride this ride but I didnt have to be happy about it. Oh why did I start this whole enlightenment crap? At one point I just didn't want to exist anymore. I just wanted to turn it all off; no good sensations, no bad sensation, no neutral sensation- they are all irratating.

cont...

This morning I feel pretty normal. I don't feel like anything has been released or changed. I actually don't even feel that tired. I do feel a bit of achievment that I rode that horrible ride and stayed present with it the whole time.

I actually can't wait to see what happens when I get a chance to sit again tonight. May get better, may get worse, may stay the same... brilliant!
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Very inspiring Anthony!

I smell progress...

Antero.

Last night sat for 1hr. Kasina practice for 15min then on to noting out loud. I felt a shift in awareness. Very broad and expansive. I started to feel a strong pulsing at the bridge of my nose. It felt like it was inside my upper nasal passage. Very pleasant and left me feeling very relaxed. Had a hard time doing any more practice afterwards.

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Keep at it, Anthony. Sounds like you're practice is gaining some momentum!

Thanks everyone.

Sat last night 45min. It was a long day and I couldn't wait to get home and do some practice. I sat on the cushion and noted tension, pressure, itching, unpleasant aches, and general uncomfort. Some of these sensations would disapate into vibration upon putting my attention on it. Sometimes sensations would just disappear all together as soon as I focused on it. After some time I felt expansion and relaxation. Then there was more abundance of different itching, tension, and aching popping up and then disappearing again. Sometimes the sensations would go back to being stable and persistent. I felt agitation and aversion to sitting.

I had a strong sense of wanting to be able to access all these cool high level jhanas that everyone talks about. I noted this "wanting" and found it silly because as soon as I put my attention on it it scurried away. Lol. Like a paper tiger. None of these unpleasant thoughts or emotions ever seem to be solid when I investigate them. The problem I guess is that they keep coming back.

This has been the recent change in my daily life. I will start to get carried off in my suffering and fantasy as usual but I am remembering to note it more and more. As soon as I do, and this is what's different from previous, I am ok with it- it doesn't have to go away. Before, my mindset was to note unpleasantness in order to banish it. Lately I have been finding a relaxed relationship with my suffering. It's just a simple part of life and I am gradually surrendering to it. It's really no big deal once you are fully present with it somehow. I certainly haven't won the war but I think I may have at least won one little battle back there somewhere.
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I wonder if it is possible to go through nanas in your dreams. I think I read somewhere on this forum about that but I am not sure.

I was camping last night and I had a dream early this morning where I was in a theater about to watch a play. A woman came out and asked everyone to join hands and let their energy flow. I held the hands of the people to either side of me and I felt a sort of blissful feeling. Then I began to view everything crystal clear like it was happening in real life. I couldn't believe the amount of detail and color I was able to see. I immediately realized I was dreaming and asked myself if I may have just had an A&P experience while dreaming. Soon after this I awoke to see my friend building a fire at our campsite. But that turned out to be a dream too and I awoke 'again' to find myself on the ground and viewing everything just as I saw it when I thought I had really awoke, except that my friend was still asleep.

I have had some pretty interesting and vivid dreams in my life but I have never had anywhere near this level of real life vision in them.

cont...
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45min sit tonight.

Started with kasina and moved into noting out loud. Itching, aching, and unpleasant heat mostly. I began to note shifting and rising. My body began to tingle and I felt distant from my body. I really couldn't feel my arms or legs very much.

I stopped noting and just put my awareness on my body in general. I felt a strong 'bump' and a sensation like a column of energy shot up through me from my neck to the top of my head. I felt disconnected, floating, and twisting or leaning. I kept my attention on noticing my field of experience in a broad way. I had that feeling that you get when you move out of your house and you take one last look at the place when it is empty. It seemed so personal 10 minutes ago and now it doesn't even seem like its mine anymore.

I kept having this strange sensation that I was someone else. Nobody I know, just random people. I went back to noting but my mind felt slow and sluggish. I ended the session soon after.

What a wierd day.
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Sat 40min earlier today and focused on concentration. It was very pleasant and I got to a point where I felt very "out of body".

This evening I listened to Kenneth's NYC talk on Potty Training. I really like these talks and I feel like I am sharpening my technique by listening to them

Kenneth please keep them coming! Thanks.

I decided to record a noting session afterwards. 20 min noting: mostly body sensation and aches and pains and itching. This transitioned to floating, expansion, pulsing, coolness and pleasant vibrations and back to itching and aching, frustration thought, ect... It was a short but good session. I really stayed on task the whole time. I will be doing many more recorded sessions. Let the bulldozer just roll right through this mucky stuff!

Afterwards I closed my eyes for a few minutes and observed everything. I certainly connected with the understanding that I am just made up of five senses and mind stuff. It's curious because sometimes this knowing gives me relief and detachment to all my worldly concerns and stress. But then sometimes it leaves me very unmotivated about doing anything with my life. Perhaps this will change when I fully understand the whole thing and become completely potty trained.
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Starting to have trouble getting to my 1 hour per day meditation goal.

Last night 30min sit. Noting out loud. Lots of iching, aching, strain. I note the strong iches and aches as long as I can. They seemed to stay for a long time yesterday. Some of the iches were very painful and I had to fight hard not to scratch them. I belive this is 3C territory. I stayed with all the iching and aching untill it disapears then I set my attention to the next one. I felt very exhausted. Not sleepy. But very low on energy so I stopped the session a bit short.

I will work more today on lengthening my sit time and disembedding from the "aversion to sitting" sensation. On a side note, my noting out loud technique has been getting stronger. I am becoming more and more steady and consistant with noting. I have been getting better at noticing those little thoughts that pop up and take you away from your noting. Some are very subtle and try to sneek up behind you but I zap them with my attention, see if they persist, and move on to what ever pops up next.
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Anthony,

Sounds like a good hypothesis (3 characteristics).

Good luck!

35min last night. Got home late. Exhausted. Resolved to practice before bed. Noted outloud: iching, aching, exhaustion, strain, tiredness, iching, ect... The intense itching was not as bad today as it was yesterday. I think I began to flirt with A&P a bit. Ticklish vibrations, vortex like spots on my back, sensations like my body was blowing away like a sand castle in the wind. Not as intense as my previous experiences with this stage but I am sure it is just the beginning.

Timer went off and I kept going for 5 more minutes. I noted rising, floating, bliss, excitement, and disconnection from my body. I could easily sense my whole body and mind at once. The more I investigated the less of me there was that seemed to exist. Just a few light vibrations here and there and the occasional subtle thought. I layed down to continue but I was sleeping hard before even a few minutes passed.
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