Anthony's Practice Notes 2

"Got to go back to work for a few hours. My plan is to practice some more as soon as I can to get as far away from that last dark night as possible.
- Anthony"

Like all of us who have been through DN, I know how you feel. I also wanted to get as fast as possible through this phase in my practice. Until I realized that actually the whole purpose of my practice was to get to this place where I could clearly see and feel the suffering. Dukkha had always been there in the background but during these phases I was really feeling it in my body and that made it possible to do something about the darn thing.

Right now you are at the most fruitful part of you practice where real insights are happening. Realizing that may change the way you see those unwanted mind patterns. Some food for thought:

How many variations on the theme of suffering can you see during one day?
Is there any negative emotion that was not experienced today?
Some of them are more rare than others, perhaps the rare ones are more precious, even worth of collecting?

Negative emotions can have quite an interesting physiology.
How does anger feel in different parts of the body?
Can you get more angry if you want to see it more clearly?
Where do you feel frustration?
Does stay the same every time?
How do body sensations of anxiety differ from those of aversion?
What happens to pleasant body sensations when you are feeling down?

Many interesting roads of investigation are open for you at the moment (although it may still suck from time to time)

"Many interesting roads of investigation are open for you at the moment (although it may still suck from time to time) "

Thanks for the encouragement Antero, I got a little blinded by the intensity of the DN yesterday. I will try to take a step back and investigate more today. I can see what you mean now about the DN being a place that is fruitful- nothing gets you motivated like a DN can!

The intense wanting it to stop of desire for deliverence is intense. Lol.

10/25/11

Feeling much less suffering today than yesterday's crazy ride. I actually felt somewhat at ease today. There was nothing overly pleasant or unpleasant in my field of experience.

Got home late and sat for 30min. Started with 4 foundations noting. Noted solid sensations, aching, itching, tensions. There was a pulsing behind my eyes that served as a steady drumbeat for much of the beginning. Felt uncomfortable and noticed some discusting thoughts arise. The side of my face was aching and I had and image of rotting flesh come up that made me feel a bit sick. I also felt like something/someone was looming over me really close to my back. I also remember a grimace of my mouth. I rarely notice the dukka nanas show up this clearly. This time I was much more observational and much less ready to jump out of my skin.

My concentration shifted soon after this and my body became expansive and pleasant. I felt like a pyramid. I felt solid in my posture but floating at the same time. I stopped noting and just observed sensations. There was still some unpleasant sensations buzzing around and I felt a little stuffy in my mind. There was more pulsing at my forehead and some bumps and pops as is the norm whenever my mind gets to a subtle place. I felt this state start to float down and I felt my body more clearly again. There was some aches and back pain so I decided to type up my report and continue to meditate in my bed untill I fall asleep.

Goodnight.

45min

Noted for the first 30 min. Started with solid sensations. Aches, pains, tension. Started to have iching all over and unpleasant heat waves. There was steady pulsing behind my eyes. My concentration felt stable. I had this feeling like I am stale and I need to open a window and let fresh air in. Some rising energy and vibrations. Then coolness and diffuse awareness for a short time. Noticed more waves of unpleasant heat. Meditation seems sluggish.

I dropped noting and instead asked myself "How am I suffering in this moment" over and over. I just placed my attention on my suffering or tension and stayed with it. Concentration stayed consistant and I followed this for some time. Felt a few peaks of relaxation and maybe a bit of joy as I did this.

Today and yesterday I have been trying to be more mindfull at the arising of negative sensations and where they arise in the body. As they arise I place my attention on that spot and let go of trying to control or change the process. I feel I am becoming less embeded in the arising of negativity and more accepting of it. Yet, overall, I feel pretty stale and uninspired by my practice right now, sort of like I am drifting in the water with no wind in my sails. Dark night stuff is still hangin around and I am taking Anteros advice from above to take the opportunity to investigate it more.
.
.

30 min vipassana today at lunch break. It is hard to think of the words that described this session. I felt normal. There were a few aches and pains and itches as usual. There was some vibration tingling and pulsing as usual. I didn't exerience much unpleasant or pleasant mindstates at all. I just felt really neutral.

I have some time tonight and the mood is right so I am going to go for a 60min session and try to report back.
.

Just sat for 60min.

Started with kasina practice for 10 min then switched to noting. Noted tension in the body with some pains here and there. Felt vibrations, heat, and tingling. Started to feel like I was waving from side to side. It was pleasant and had an out of body feel to it. I felt a sharp zig-zag jolt in my awareness like someone grabed my mind and shook it side to side at a high frequency for a second. A felt out of tune after this. My body was solid feeling again and my mind felt clear but a bit unattached to my body.

I stretched for a min and then switched to Mahamudra noting. Very pleasant. Mind felt spacious and clear. I noted joy, peace, and appreciation. I felt the 'connection' to the essential nature of mind deepen and noted equanimity and calm.
.

Did about 30-40 min practice while stuck in traffic today. Practiced MN and thought counting. I made my way to equanimous mind states but with some hints of aggravation popping up here and there. Overall I experienced far less suffering than ever before being stuck in traffic.

Tonight I sat for 30min and practiced anapana to build more concentration. It was solid but not really jhana like.
.

My mind was in rare form today, clear, sharp, and energetic. I experienced low levels of suffering and aversion today despite having a busy day as usual.

45min sit.
Started with noting. Ran into some sharp itching right away with some uneasiness and nausea. Felt vibrations and tingling and then itching and nausea again. Started to feel stable and aware.

For some reason I felt like doing a chakra meditation by imagining my chakras opening up one by one. Then I envisioned energy coming up from the earth and up through my chakras and out my crown. Then energy from the sky coming down through my crown and down through my body and into the earth. And then both directions flowing at once.

I let the energy flow like this in the background while I switched to 3rd gear. I just surrendered to whatever cleansing was taking place. I surrendered to aversion and pleasantness alike. Surrender has been making more sense to me lately. I just let things arise and pass and did my best to not resist or control them. I can't remember everything but I know I went through different stages of pulsing, vibration, aversion, disorientation, stability, fuzziness and clarity. There were times of strong sense of self and times were I felt like I was watching all of these sensations happen to someone else. I feel pretty calm right now afterwards. Looking forward to my usual 20-30min nightly pre-sleep meditation.

Peace.

(continuation of last post)

Right after my sit Friday night I laid in bed and continued to practice. I was feeling very equanimous and relaxed. Suddenly I saw my body at once but without the attachment of self for a second. I was startled by this and then my mind started to chatter again. A second later I experienced a 'jump' in my consciousness. I tried to retrace the steps of my experience to investigate it further and then I experienced the 'jump' again. I felt relaxed and pleasant so I laid down and enjoyed the peace for a while.

Sat: Met with Kenneth and told him of my experience. He had me do the eye flutter technique and I watched the fluttering/pulsing at my eyes. Sometimes at the ends of the fluttering I experienced releases of pleasant energy. He said that those were fruitions. I have always been looking for some big-time stops in consciousness. Apparently I have had several fruitions in my meditation (I have also experienced the sliding on the ice fruitions before) I just did not realize it at the time or I was looking for something more grand.

I feel like I have completed a cycle this week. I feel like I have completed a few in the past month. I may have gotten to 2nd path. Only time will tell. I feel motivated to integrate my practice with my life more. It is very important to me that I keep momentum going in my practice as well as a good balance of cushion time and daily practice. Kenneth suggested that I work on discovering the jhanas more and I am certainly excited to do that.

.

Met with a fellow pragmatic dharma friend today and got some great advice. I'm feeling very low levels of suffering today as well as excitement about the direction of my practice. I know this won't last but I am enjoying it for now.

Evening sit: 45min samata. After bouncing in and out of good concentration a few times I was able to steady myself in the first jhana for the rest of the sit. Very pleasant and enjoyable.

What an interesting turn of events! Congrats!

Congrats Anthony

Way to go, Anthony!

4pm. 30min noting

Trying to notice the jhanic arc more clearly. Sat down and started noting. Feeling very ticklish with tiny vibrations. Noted floating and pleasantness. Started to feel some heaviness and aches. Noticed the skin of my body all at once, coolness. Couldn't remember much of what was next except for a bit of nausea. Noticed possible reobservation with the wack a mole itching popping up all over for a min. Concentrating became more and more stable and cool and calm equanimity appeared. Noticed a strong 'bump' in my head and a small flow of pleasant energy. Lost concentration for a bit. Felt normal again. Wondering if this is a review phase, hoping I am not scripting.

Continued to note and experienced the whole process again but with less aches in my body. Felt very normal again at the end like I had just began meditation.
.

30min samatha practice last night. Concentration was clear and stable. Couldn't detect any movement in the jhanic arc. Noted frustration on this.

Today I am feeling an undercurrent of aversion, frustration and impatience. It feels different this time, though, because I am noticing it more in the body. My mind feels clear and disembbeded. It's like I am watching this aversion arise from outside of my body. I know it is unpleasant, I feel the tension in my stomach, chest and neck, but I am not really experiencing many negative mindstates. There is some doubt hanging around about my possible recent progress.
.

Feeling solidness today. During meditation everything feels solid and stable, maybe even heavy. Not good, not bad. It seems like my mind either doesnt want to go through any nana territory or I am just not sensing it.

I am going out of town this weekend for a wedding. Going to try to make it a mini retreat. I will report back next week.

Peace.

I went out of town this weekend and ended up with less time for formal practice than I had planned. On the last day (today) I did find a couple of hours to walk on the beach. There was a particular string of events that had happened the day before that led to some very valuable contemplation today.

At this point in my process I believe that I must be particularly aware of resistance: resistance to change, resistance to energy flow, and resistance to letting go.

30min sit before bed.
Started with noting to get things going. Switched to the Witness and the jhanic arc seemed to move quicker. Explored my facial expressions today. Starting off my mouth was set in a very neutral position. I became vibratory and putting my awareness at my lips results in bubbly sensations. I must have moved into dukkha nanas when my mouth turned into a disgusted frown. If I put my attention on it, I could stop the frown but it would always go back as soon as I returned to the witness. Once I started to experience equanimity I laughed out loud when I noticed a half-smile on my face that had somehow appeared. It was the same as the dukkha nana frown but backwards. If I put my attention on it, I could stop the smile but it would gradually turn right back when I returned to the witness. I found myself going through the arc one more time. This time at equanimity I resolved to explore concentration more. After some deepening, I felt mentally awake and energiezed. I had this image of me as a glass tower, clear and bright with mental sharpness. Timer went off and I felt like I just got started. Going to finish typing this up and continue practice in bed.

Peace

"At this point in my process I believe that I must be particularly aware of resistance: resistance to change, resistance to energy flow, and resistance to letting go.
- Anthony"

You are now at the heart of the problem, Anthony. Resistance is exactly what is between you and awakeness at any moment. Resistance to What Is.

See how many manifestations of this resistance you can spot. If your body feels uncomfortable, before you adjust your position, see how the resistance twists you from the inside creating intentions and urges to move and a feeling of aversion to physical inconvenience.

Even if you are in perfect situation with all the time in the world and no obligations, there is still resistance in the body and mind. What would keep you from sitting in this perfect position the rest of your life? See how the resistance manifests as a feeling of boredom or sudden desire to do something else. If you can keep your mind from wandering off and you do not follow the urges, you may notice a subtle underlying tension in the body and mind, like a pressure that is unevenly pushing against your skin from the inside.

How many ways of experiencing resistance there is? How it is manifested as thoughts? Emotions? Physical sensations? Learn how to recognize these different layers of resistance. The more clearly you can see this happening, the less effect it can have on you.

During my daily activities I am trying to stay as aware as possible, especially to the flow of energy and resistance in the mind and body. I feel that my awareness of this resistance is becoming more sensitive. Also, I am trying to investigate the origin of the resistance. It's funny how many times I notice a craving for junk food and I can trace it back to blockage in energy flow or a tightness in my chest caused by resistance to a particular moment or thought. What would my life be like without these blockages? This thought has been motivating my practice lately.

Feeling sluggishness and solidness in sitting practice lately. Today I sat for 45min and begin with noting then I moved on to awareness in the Witness. Noted aches, pains, tension and some itching. There was unpleasantness and frustrations. After some time I felt a mild floating sensation and a shift in awareness. Then some solidness returned and also bright itching. Then I felt a strong pulsing and I felt like I was bobbing back and forth. This led to lightness and vibrations. Wherever I put my attention on the body it turned into tiny vibrations. Solidness returned again and I felt pretty dull with no more discernible movement in the arc.

Going to do some mahamudra before sleep.

Goodnight.

45 min sit.

Used the witness for this sit. After about 10 minutes I found a calm and steady flow. I felt pleasant and noticed subtle vibrations. My head was floating like a baloon and my hands sometimes seemed as though they had disapeared and I could not feel them anymore. Most of the sit was like this.
.

Lately my daily practice has been focusing on being very mindful of moments of resistance. When I notice this resistance (tension in body, aversion in the mind, blockage of energy) I try to relax, straighten my posture and allow my energy to unfold as it wants. I am not actively trying to direct my energy, just trying to be aware that I was unconsciously resisting its natural flow. Sometimes I do this as the witness.

I have been noting and also meditating as the witness in my sitting practice, which has been sparse since the thanksgiving break. I have noticed unpleasantness, solid tensions in my chest and neck, regrets, unhappiness with the material aspects of my life, uncertainty about the future, aversion to sitting, and much tiredness. I believe I am encountering the 2nd and 3rd nanas of a new path. They feel stronger this time, or rather, I am noticing more aspects about them.

Last night, after a chakra meditation, I laid back and just surrendered to whatever arose. I felt pleasant rising energy, vibrations, a blinking and pulsing in my vision and forehead.
.

The past two weeks of practice for me have been a fog. I have been in that place where it seems like I am no more enlightened than when I started and my practice isn't going anywhere. But just now I had a good 30 min sit where I was able to ride up the jhanic arc to equanimity with relative ease and everything made sense along the way. It's very confusing sometimes, yet still somehow worth it.

Hi everybody,

I got back from the Cooper retreat on the 1st and I wanted to give my review on this wonderful retreat and also report on the shift in my practice.

tl;dr version: Just as Kenneth said the Cooper retreat really was the coolest retreat ever. It was exactly what I needed and I believe I got 4th path.

I flew out Christmas morning and traveled to this beautiful Jewish retreat center in upstate Connecticut. It was a bit cold but the nature here was stunning. I felt a very good vibe there. During registration I met Kenneth and Beth for the first time. I was a bit star struck and wasn't sure what to say but they were very warm and encouraging. I decided not to bug them about practice questions since they were there for a personal retreat too.

Unlike other retreats I have been on, I felt very confident that this one was going to turn out great. Going into this I was feeling a level of readiness that I have not felt before. I just wanted this ride to be done and I was willing to be as open and vulnerable as possible to let it happen. My game plan was to surrender to this whole process that I felt was unfolding with or without my assistance. I did some concentration and noting but my main practice was to observe as the witness and allow everything to arise without resistance.

cont...

The teachers Shoshana and David Cooper and Eliezer Sobel were a great team. Their personalities and teaching methods balanced each other out perfectly. The teachings were, at their roots, very Buddhist and covered a few different traditions. The theme of the retreat, however, was very Jewish. We sang Jewish songs and there were several Jewish traditions and rituals that were observed. Surprisingly this aspect of the retreat was very enjoyable to me and helped me to access a love/community quality that was previously undeveloped. Throughout this retreat I experienced a very nice balance of mind and heart.

On the fourth day of the retreat I experienced a particular set of events (coincidence or fate?) that caused me to undergo a strong wave of anxiety. I sat with it during meditation and allowed it to do its thing as much as possible. It felt very physical and weighed heavily on my chest. I eventually went back to my room to lay down and surrender to it. It immediately started to unfold and waves and waves of anxiety started to push into me. It felt intense and even a little euphoric at the same time. My heart was beating loudly and there was a lot of pressure at my heart chakra. Hard jhanas arose and I felt out of body and on the edge of losing consciousness. Perhaps out of a defense mechanism I went into the Witness and started to observe all of this from there. After a few weird minutes something changed. Spontaneously a thought arose in my mind, 'Something's missing! What was it?'

cont...