Anthony's Practice Notes 2

After a few more minutes I began to settle back down. There was still a bubbling pressure at my chest but it felt mostly over with and just in a state of aftershock. I felt different. Something significant happened and for the first several minutes I really couldn't put my finger on it. Something left and I couldn't figure out what it was, almost like it had never been there. After some time I realized that it was the contraction that I knew as the 'self' that left. Since then selfing still occurs but something about that process has been seen and 'I' don't connect with it in the same way anymore. It has become impersonal in a way.

Ok, so for a full day afterwards I felt enlightened. I was feeling good. The anxiety in my chest eventually left and I felt very cleansed, calm, and interested. What happened next was a few days of 'settling in'. I had some doubts about what had happened, I experienced a crazy 2 hour dark night, I was very emotional, and felt as if I was a beginner again. I continued to just let the process unfold and at the end of the retreat I was experiencing some really interesting levels of the jhanic arc as well as much gratitude and love for my teachers, everyone in the retreat, and the world in general.

cont...

It's been over a week since that shift and here is what I want to report:

I have seen this reported before on these forums and now I feel that I understand it: I don't really feel done on an absolute level. I just feel done with my need for getting paths. Actually, I feel like I have just been opened up to the world of the dharma on a direct level. I don't mind claiming that if this 'right view/understanding' holds the test of time, I believe this to be my awakening, enlightenment, 4th path, whatever'¦ That claim is not the important part. What is important is that I feel fine. I feel ok and open to whatever comes next. I do have this sense that I have reached a tipping point and the rest of my life will be downhill.

What I am experiencing currently:
Meditation is always on. Everything is less sticky in my mind. There is a sense of great deepening that is slowly occurring. The mundane aspects of my life (career, health, family) are now very interesting to me and I feel their importance and a desire to cultivate them. There is no more desperation to get to the next stage. I think Mark (mdaf30) said exactly what I feel right now on Antero's practice notes 2 post #150:

'What I notice is the absence of a certain kind of existential angst or ache that was present before, and from which I derived a great deal of my motivation to practice. I would wake up and meditate with a sense--I think Nick once put it this way--of "needing to get there" or of something needing to change.'

I think this says it perfectly.

cont...

There is something that I feel maybe different about me as compared to some of my fellow yogis here that gives some doubt and may make it hard to diagnose where I am: I did not cultivate the higher states of jhana very well.

My practice over the past 2 years has been unstructured and erratic. When I was practicing well, I focused all my energy on getting to path as directly as I could with only the minimal amount of concentration practice. I could get to jhana 1-4 as I noted my way up the jhanic arc and I am sure I experienced at least jhana 5 and 6 but I never was great at knowing exactly which one was which. Also, except for very recently I was always horrible at noticing which nana I was in when I practiced.

My modus operandi was always the word 'further!' (a good practice advice that I received from reading Jed McKenna). I never wanted to hang out in a particular strata and figure it out. Actually the significant difference for me right now is that I have lost the need to practice 'Further!' and I am more interested in exploring the jhanas in detail.

The best analogy that I can use right now is that it feels like I have reached retirement. The job that I had to do for so many years is done now and I am free to pick up some hobbies (jhanas et al.) and just live my life now. The only flaw in that analogy is that I am not a tired old man in retirement I am a 30 year old man who feels like so much exciting life in front of me. I feel so much more energy now that I am not worrying about getting this path or that path. Maybe 4th hasn't happened yet. The worst case scenario is that it truly is not very far away and I can live with that. Practice isn't something I have to do anymore to get something done.

I will continue to post how things change. May everyone be happy and free!

Please feel free to post any comments, criticisms, or questions. I would appreciate them all!

-Anthony
.

'Something's missing! What was it?'

Oh ****! Where did it go!?

Congrats

Wonderful, wonderful!

Anthony,

I've been following your journal for a while, and have drawn a lot of inspiration from it. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Congratulations!

Awesome stuff Anthony.

It's always wonderful to hear another yogi getting 4th path.

There's been several as of late - which is amazing.

Hi Anthony

What you are describing sounds a lot like my experience of 4th path, interesting to see how it develops when the dust settles down. Whatever the case, you sound like a happy and free man to me, congrats!

Sounds great! Congrats Anthony. Thanks for the clear descriptions too... post #126 sounds just like what I'm experiencing.

Truly inspiring! Congrats!

thanks everyone!

Antony - I have just the quickest of flicks through your journal, and it seems I'll have to go back to it some more. It is truly inspiring to see a yogi make so much progress in a year. You look like you've been doing this about the same amount of time as me, with similar practices from Kenneth, and yet you've made incredible progress. I'm astounded. But I just can't feel jealousy! All I feel is a huge amount of mudita and inspiration that will get me back on the cushion, and hopefully following in your footsteps.

Nice work, Anthony, and great descriptions to boot. I particularly resonated with your concerns about minimal concentration practice and difficulty noticing what nyana you were in. I can definitely relate to that. Now I'm feeling particularly motivated!

Life is calm right now. I have been experiencing some highs and lows but I don't seem to be very riled up by any of it anymore. I was surprised by some intense irritation the other day but I just watched it do its thing without much concern or burning desire to expel it.

This shift in my practice seems to be deepening every day. I am starting to open up to practice in a real way. It continues to be funny to me how much of a beginner I feel but without the sense of being lost that I once had.

Currently I am practicing direct mode by being aware of the sensations of my whole body and noticing in particular mind states and how they relate to body sensations. I am just taking myself out of the picture and allowing everything to unfold on its own. I have noticed that I am less interested in feeling important and how I look to other people. Also, I have been very accepting of people and situations.

I have been exploring the jhanic arc in more detail but sitting meditation is becoming less and less appealing to me right now. Here is what I wrote about trying to access Nirodha a couple of days ago:

cont...

"Felt like exploring Nirodha today. In the last 10min of my 45min sit today I played around with NS a bit. I was in a very calm and pleasant state. The mind/body connection was great and concentration was clear. I used my flashlight of attention and waved it around a bit. I found an interesting spot (I usually gravitate to mid right side of my head for some reason) and placed my light of attention there and held it, remembering Nick's advice to keep holding. At first it felt like my previous attempts at NS, there was some pulsing and maybe a sense of powering down. After several minutes of staying with it I suddenly felt a strong power down. Darkness overcame me and I felt a strong thud, thud pulsing and I began to slump forward in my sitting posture. It startled me and I jumped back from it. Felt very calm afterwards. I think that may have been the entrance to NS. I need to try it again laying down. I suspect that I won't have as much of a knee jerk reaction to it that way."


So the only downside to all of this is that I have lost a bit of motivation to be really productive in school/work which is a bit of a nuisance since I still need a paycheck and this semester is going to be particularly demanding. I think I may explore developing concentration more and see how that helps. Any suggestions?

.