Ron's "Now What?" Journal

I've decided to keep with tradition here at KFD and start a new thread following what I'm now pretty sure was fourth path about 6 weeks ago. Despite the calm and contentment that has settled in since the shift to fourth, there is still a lingering feeling of wondering what to do. It's as if I'm saying to myself, "Whew! that's finally over. So what's the next step?" I want to focus on exploring what comes after fourth path in this thread.

I have two previous threads here at KFD. The first is called "Ron's Practice Journal" and covers my journey from the Arising and Passing to Stream Entry, or first path, and is found at:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/36...27s+Practice+Journal

The second is called "Ron's Stream Entry Journal" and covers my journey from first path all the way to fourth. It can be found at:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/41...Stream-Entry+Journal

I've been told that these are pretty good narratives of what the insight stages are like and are helpful for people working their way along the path. I hope that this journal is just as useful.

Just wanted to thank you for your practice threads!
Very good material.
Looking forward to your future journaling!

Good stuff Ron. Are you interested in grounding the emotions in the body/pursuing stage 6 of the new model Kenneth has been describing?

"Good stuff Ron. Are you interested in grounding the emotions in the body/pursuing stage 6 of the new model Kenneth has been describing?"


Yep. That is what I talked about with Kenneth last week and I've been working a bit on it this week. Although I must admit, I guess I'm resting on my laurels a little. I haven't sat but three times in the past week and one of those was for a mediation class I was leading. I am trying to keep practice going in noting and grounding throughout the day, but I just keep forgetting to do it and lose steam. It's like my mind just wants to rest in this calm.

Speaking of which. I've heard from a few sources that there are some breaks in the calm that come up following fourth, and I think I've started to experience those. One was very strange and I'm not sure it was practice related, but I had what felt like a weird LSD flashback experience. I was reading and suddenly couldn't follow the words because of interference in my visual field, little triangles! I started to have a lot of chills and a little trembling, and just felt strange. I kept wondering if somebody slipped me something, but the experience only lasted for about an hour. After that I just had a "normal" feeling.

Additionally I've had two days this week were the pervasive calm that has settled in just seemed to vanish - I went to total baseline normal functioning. However, what I noticed was that if I focused in on it and started practicing a little, the calm would return.

Not sure what to make of the weird experience this week. Did I just eat something funny, or is this something practice related that others have run into?

"Speaking of which. I've heard from a few sources that there are some breaks in the calm that come up following fourth, and I think I've started to experience those. "

It seems as though post 4th the ego gets put through some serious unpleasantness. It's as though it is swinging about, trying to find a footing where none is there. This was a time for me (once the honeymoon was over) that was actually very painful. I'm still watching the ego try to grab onto stuff, trying to construct a coherent identity.

If I'm staying aware, it's not a problem at all - but if I'm not mindful and I get lost it in it hurts so much more because I know the peace that I just abandoned. If I could offer one bit of advice for this particular stage, it would be to watch closely for when conditioning is pulling you back into pattern of either believing your thoughts or attempting to wrap reality into a nice little conceptual package.

The ego will want to co-opt the enlightenment experience for its own ends; that is a path filled with suck. You are off the ride, now it's time to embrace the free-fall.

" You are off the ride, now it's time to embrace the free-fall.


"

I think I just found my pointer for this phase. Thanks Owen!

I sat tonight for the first time in several days. First I attempted 3rd gear and rested in that for about 10 minutes, but doubts keep creeping in as to what I'm really experiencing. However, I care a lot less these days. What it feels like is that everything is rising and falling in awareness without a "me" attaching to any of it or any stories being constructed. Everything is very immediate. The only thing that feels stable in this mode is the awareness itself.

Then I spent about 20 minutes riding up the arc. My attitude toward the nanas and jhanas is so different these days. For a long time I was fascinated by them, then in 3rd path I was just sick of them, but now I'm starting to develop a new attitude. Now I am taking the approach of an epicurean. Each of them has its own flavor and some interesting highs and lows. I can enjoy just experiencing them without attaching or needing the experience for anything.

I've also been doing what I think is the direct mode practice. This has been spotty, but it's very rewarding. Following Kenneth's instructions, I ground sensations and emotions in the body, then surrender. The experience is full of pleasantness.

"you are not done walking this path!"
...you know somehow this to be truth!"

How do you react to the statement above? (your very very first reaction? your second one? and the one right after that, and so on??)

Hi Ron,
Just wondering if you have read Adyashanti's book `The end of your world`

I highly recommend it as i got something from practically every sentence.

Anybody else read it on here?

"Hi Ron,
Just wondering if you have read Adyashanti's book `The end of your world`

I highly recommend it as i got something from practically every sentence.

Anybody else read it on here? "

It's a great book. In fact, I was thinking of it just a second ago as I read about Ron's trippy experience. Adyashanti describes instances of this as well, as when he was walking across a room and had some kind of intense, past-life flashback that took just a second or two in real time but seemed to last much longer.
But yes--it really seems to be a book about "what to do now."

. I also like the quote - " Our greatest contribution to humanity is our awakening. It is to literally leave the state of consciousness that the mass of humanity is in and discover the truth of our being, which is the truth of all beings. Sometimes, through trying to help on the exterior level, we can miss that the greatest help we can offer is our own awakening"

Here's something else. I'd be curious to know whether 4th Path yogis feel that they are done with this kind of work.

'Very often we find that the beliefs and ideas contained in our thinking and feeling come from our childhood. They may come from very early memories of being embarrassed or put down or shamed or terrified or angered or saddened. If we start to investigate in a meditative way, where body and mind are linked, our inquiry can start to uncover these deep inner experiences. You can't just think about it; you can't say, 'this is a thought; I know it's not true,' and be done with it. ...

When these Velcro thoughts and emotions arise, the key is to face and investigate whatever belief structures underlie them. In that moment, inquiry is your spiritual practice. To avoid this practice is to avoid your own awakening. Anything you avoid in life will come back, over and over again, until you're willing to face it--to look deeply into its true nature. ...

The only way to know that we've seen into the true nature of something is that the story we're telling ourselves releases. It is not only seen to be illusion; it is felt to be illusion.'

"Here's something else. I'd be curious to know whether 4th Path yogis feel that they are done with this kind of work.

'Very often we find that the beliefs and ideas contained in our thinking and feeling come from our childhood. They may come from very early memories of being embarrassed or put down or shamed or terrified or angered or saddened. If we start to investigate in a meditative way, where body and mind are linked, our inquiry can start to uncover these deep inner experiences. You can't just think about it; you can't say, 'this is a thought; I know it's not true,' and be done with it. ...
-jgroove"

This is important and educating practise and Kenneth teaches this method after 4th path. It is about opening up to ALL the emotions and accepting them. While doing this, all kinds of forgotten memories from the past come up.

The major theme of my practice pre-4th was getting enlightened. Had to do it, it was the only thing I cared about. Now from this perspective it's clear that there was absolutely nothing to get (it was always there to begin with) the focus has shifted to making my life an expression of it. The nice part is that if awareness is continuously maintained in the body, there isn't any problem and life lives itself. BUT - and this is a big but, the process of life involves a ton of emotional pain and a lot of it is old and unexamined. It will get worked out or it will remain buried. Part of the freedom of being awake is the freedom to dive into the old painful parts and let it sort itself out; there is no more payoff for it to stay buried. Sometimes that means being curled up into a ball and crying my eyes out, sometimes it means repairing some seriously neglected relationships and sometimes is means just laughing at my silly ass.

I think I'm experiencing the dark night kind of stuff that everyone was warning me would come up post-4th. For the past three days I've been feeling generally irritable and unhappy. The openness and friendliness that were hallmarks of my experience right after path evaporated, and now I want to keep to myself and work this crap out. It is a bit like having a mild hangover.

Oddly though, unlike previous fits of dark night, I can step out of it at any time and just watch it. Still, it takes some effort to do this, not a lot though. Mostly the effort is in the mindfulness itself, in remembering to disembed and focusing on the here and now rather than the story that is getting generated from the unpleasant feelings.

I'm still working on grounding the emotions in the moment and surrendering. However, what I'm discovering is that my mindfulness needs to get stronger. I need to be able to recognize emotions better as they come up, and then find the emotion in the body and accept it. But the mind is still vulnerable to story-making about the sensations and getting lost.

It really is all about staying focused in the moment.

Ron, everything is about RIGHT NOW, no matter where we are in our practice.

Ron, I hope you live far enough away, or high enough, that you are not in any tsunami danger today. Best of luck and keep us posted.

I hope this guy is right:

9:02 a.m. Tsunami will not be a "major damaging event" in Hawaii, says Gerard Fryer from Pacific Tsunami Warning Center on KGMB-TV Honolulu.

Hey everyone,

we are still high and dry and nice and safe! Thanks for the well-wishes. The wave hit the other side of the island and all we got were a lot of loud sirens at 3AM warning us to get to a high place.

You'd think with that stress I'd be freaking out, but I'm really calm and happy!

Thats great news Ron! By the way thanks for all your great journaling.

Steve

"Hey everyone,

we are still high and dry and nice and safe! Thanks for the well-wishes. The wave hit the other side of the island and all we got were a lot of loud sirens at 3AM warning us to get to a high place.

You'd think with that stress I'd be freaking out, but I'm really calm and happy!"

Whew! Great news!

The waters have receded and everything is back to normal here in the islands - I wish I could say the same for Japan, those folks could use some serious metta right now...

I talked with Kenneth today and afterward resolved to really give the direct mode a full try (and stop resting on my laurels so much). What I find is that when I do the DM technique of grounding emotions in the body and do this steadily for over a minute there is a wonderful and thrilling sensation that fills the whole body. It reminds me strongly of the piti-sukha that I experienced when attempting concentration practices. There is a fullness to the experience, and a balance between being energized and relaxed.

The only thing now is to maintain the practice for longer. A minute or so is very satisfying, but the mind just wanders... As a wise man once wrote to me, staying focused in the moment is critical no matter where we are in our practice...

I've been working on the DM practice and the results are starting to show. I'm generally at ever greater ease and physically I'm more in tune with my body than I've been in a long time. I took a yoga class on Tuesday and discovered that many of the instructions and practices nest perfectly into the DM practice. An instruction that was given over and over was to "breath into" spots of the body where there was tension, and the result was similar to DM when done consistently and whole-heartedly.

In other news things have changed a lot post-4th path. I'm sitting very very very little these days (three times this week), and even those times are brief. The motivation to sit simply vanished. However, there is a practice going on off the cushion that is intense and dynamic. Right now, I'm noticing two new developments. The first is that the things that would normally stress me out, particularly work-related matters, don't stress me out at all. In fact, I have such a transformed attitude about work that nothing seems to get to me. This week is only half over and I had a series of crises come up already, and people making some unreasonable demands of me, and I dealt with these as if they were just nothing at all. A big part of it, I believe, is that I'm a lot less invested in what happens to the "Ron" I imagine in the future. There is just what is happening right now, and worries about a "me" in some imagined future time seems a bit silly. Oddly, this has made me much more productive.

A second thing that I'm noticing is that I'm starting to feel a little disconnected in daily life. It is a bit like seeing it as a TV show where you are following one character, but aren't all that interested. So I'll go through my day and stuff will happen, I get stuck in traffic, make phone calls, come and go through different scenes, but it feels less real each day.

"1. I'm sitting very very very little these days (three times this week), and even those times are brief. The motivation to sit simply vanished. However, there is a practice going on off the cushion that is intense and dynamic.

2. A second thing that I'm noticing is that I'm starting to feel a little disconnected in daily life."

1, Yeh, me too. I stopped sitting so hardcore after 4th. And now I have a thought to sit, it comes up, i watch it and it vanishes and I go back to drinking my coffee. It's like my whole life now is meditation and there seems to be no boundary between formal sitting and just daily life. The only difference when i sit formally on the rare occasion is perhaps if Im focused on jhanas then I might go much much deeper. But I can't turn off the awareness of sensations at least. I'm always aware where the triggers are emanating from.

2. Yeh, I get that. Usually when I am looking with my eyes, I get into a kind of dream like viewpoint. Hard to explain. It feels like there is all that out there going on, people moving about, the wind blowing etc and my mind is like a video camera just recording it without a camerman. This kind of makes experience feel like a dream as there seems to be no lingering as well on things, so from one object to the next, the previous object is completely forgotten and so there is this never ending flow of objects without any investing in them or lingering on them. THis sometimes still happens briefly but not as much as it doesn't. This also adds to the disconnected feeling like ..hmm it's more like there is no connecting or disconnecting. There is just happening "out there" but not much "inhere". IM RAMBLING!!

hehe!

Nick

This is just a theory but having been through several rounds of feeling very disconnected and then feeling a subsequent re-connnection I think it may be that the disconnected-ness somehow allows for a sort of re-wiring of how we relate to experience. I'm partial to the reconnected feeling now, and I think being fully engaged with what is happening in my immediate experience as often as possible is part of this very deep, very slow :soaking" process. This is a cycle of sorts, and it may go on forever for all I know. For now, at least, it seems to be centered in the solar plexus and it often feels as if I'm pinned in some existential way to the universe right at that place.

Sounds weird, huh?