Andy's practice journal

Apr 9 Off the cushion

My schedule is still extremely packed, but I had an interesting experience off the cushion.

Late in the evening, I had a intense occurrence of anger and uncontrollable repetitive thinking involving My Big Issue. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. I suspect the anger is a by-product of and a reaction to fear. Whatever it was, it kept me from falling asleep for several hours, and got me up several time during the night for an hour apiece. Basically, it made me fairly miserable. I also remember waking up and seeing the eyelid lights I associate with A&P. I felt better about My Big Issue in the morning, and didn't seem to have much uncontrollable thinking going on about it.

I'm attributing my negative emotions during the daytime to possible off-cushion manifestations of Dark Night nanas and so am having some luck with not having to immediately talk about My Big Issue with the involved parties or any other Big Issues that come up, for that matter.

Apr 13 10 minute

Quick spare-time session of breath counting and breath watching. Breath got really smooth and sweet and effortless.

Apt 13 30 minutes

30 minutes of candle-flame kasina practice.

Apr 14 15 minutes

Started on 20 minutes of candle-flame kasina but I got sleepy and closed my eyes and that was all it took. Seems like a lot of my sits lately involve sleepiness to some degree. I had a period like this last summer, and it cleared up as I got into more energetic territory later in the fall.

Apr 15 60 minutes.

First sit in a while where I've had 60 whole minutes to sit AND was able to stay awake for it. Started with breath-counting, and got a ways into it before I had my first episode of losing focus. Switched to noting after that. Initially, noting went easily, but then I got sleepy, and cycled in and out of drowsiness for a while. Moved and stretched, and took some deep breaths, and seemed to be a bit more awake. Still, seemed to jump from sleepiness, dream imagery directly to awareness and energy, eyelid lights, and body sensation over and over again.

I think I need to figure out what to do next. It doesn't seem like things are changing much. I've had very little time to do closed-eye meditation in the last three weeks, but things should be easier soon. I'll get my practice times up to where they were last month and re-evaluate where I'm at.

Apr 16

60 minutes noting while driving
Able to note fairly consistently most of the time. Focused on noting whatever came up rather than noting the four foundation cyclicly. It feels like the noting is starting to come back a bit.

10 minutes noting while waiting in the car
Able to note fairly consistently

30 minutes closed-eye meditation
Started with 10 minutes of eye-focus jhana practice. Maybe I felt something change from changing my focus but I'm not sure. I then changed to noting, and was able to note continuously for 20 minutes. Calm observation, outside traffic sounds, body tingling, itches, prickliness, floating sensations, shakiness in breathing, deep inhalations, weight, tension, occasional bursts of thoughts, elation, giddyness. Felt pretty concentrated when the chime went off.

37 minutes noting while driving
Not as successful in noting continuously compared to this morning, but still had some good stretches.

15 minutes noting while waiting in the car
Birds, cars in parking lot, rain, wind, girls on soccer fields, tension, relaxation, calmness, distant tire sounds

Apr 17 40 minutes

Started with 20 minutes of kasina practice. Seemed to have a hard time keeping attention on the kasina. I'd find that I was watching it but my mind was definitely somewhere else. Also tried to do eye-focus thing to switch jhanas, but didn't have success with it.

Started noting, and fairly soon I started getting itches in various spots. Not long after that, I started yawning. Noted scalp itch, face itch, eyelid itch, itch, itch itch, tension, weight, relaxation of tension, yawn. Repeat... Eventually the itching and the yawning subsided, but I started getting sleepy. Chime went off.

Apr 18

16 minutes noting while driving. Had some floaty sensations while noting.

40 minutes sitting in parked car. Started with 10 minutes of breath-counting. It was pretty easy at this point to get concentrated, and before the 10 minutes were up, I could feel several shifts. I started noting out loud, and was able to note consistently for a while. Had a few itches and full-body twitches early on, but these subsided. I started getting some subtle eyelid lights, some tingling, and some very light body bliss. Occasionally, I'd notice I was noting nonsense (doo be doo be doo, biting) and would become more alert. Eventually, I found it hard to keep up the verbal noting and noticed that I was getting pretty sleepy. I drifted in and out of alertness for a while, but I guess I got 10 minutes of reasonably good noting before I got too sleepy. The last 10 were pretty unfocused.

Apr 18 40 minutes

Started with breath-counting and started getting a very pleasant tingling on my out-breaths. Eventually dropped the counting and just watched the breathing. Then, switched attention to the pleasant sensations. These grew slowly but steadily and seemed to be most intense on the out-breath and just after. I stayed this way for a long time, just paying attention to the breathing and pleasant sensations. I then tried to enter second jhana, but nothing different happened. However, when I tried to enter third jhana, I got a fading of the pleasant sensations in my legs and lower part of my torso, and I also started yawning. By this time, my attention felt unfocused and when I tried for fourth, it was hard to tell if I did attain it. Most of the bliss was pretty much gone at this point. Soon after, I ended the sit, having sat 10 minutes past the chime and I needed to get to bed.

Apr 19 10+30 minutes

Ten minutes of noting while driving to warm up the car. Body was feeling energetic even before I started noting. Noting was easy and felt fast and focused. When I parked the car, I was already concentrated. Counted breaths till 30, then simply followed the breath for a while. On each exhale, body bliss, tinglings, and fine vibrations slowly grew. I switched to noting silently. Noting was easy and quick. Bliss, tingling and vibrations increased, and my eyelids lit up with various shifting and moving patterns. I also got faint strobing once in a while. Occasionally, I'd get a wave or pulse of noticeably stronger bliss. Over the course of the sit, this happened maybe 3 or 4 times.

I basically hung out in this state for the rest of the sit. It almost felt like things calmed just a fraction near the end. I was able to note continuously until the chime went off. An hour later, I still feel a tiny bit of bliss if I concentrate on it.

Apr 20 10+45 minutes at lunch

Drove for 10 minutes to warm up the car, and noted while driving. Noting was not as focused as yesterday, but was adequate. Seemed easier to note silently rather than out loud. Parked, and started closed-eye meditation. Counted breaths for a while, until it seemed that I was focused, then started noting. Noting went well. Occasionally, I'd find I'd had some thoughts for a few seconds, but it wasn't too bad. After a while, I noticed an increase in body bliss and vibrations and my eyelids lit up with shifting and moving patterns. I hung out noting this stuff for probably 20 minutes. Occasionally, I'd get a mild rush of bliss, and sometimes, I'd get strobing around the periphery of my vision. The chime went off and I kept sitting.

Here's the new thing: eventually, the body bliss and vibrations receded, the visual stuff calmed down, and it became a little hard to notice body sensations. Sometimes I'd get back to the bliss and the lights, but these would calm down and body sensations would become hard to sense. After another 15 minutes, I stopped, since I needed to get back to work.

Sounds like a&p and the transition at the end sounds very much like dissolution. Keep it up. Nice journalling.

Hi mumuwu. I appreciate your encouragement. Yeah, that's my guess as well, and I do believe I know what's coming up. I went through something similar during the last quarter of 2010, but this time, it seems clearer and it's happening faster this time.

Apr 20 15 minutes

15 minutes of samatha in bed before sleeping. Counted breaths for a while, then shifted to just watching the breath. Had some body bliss and tingling going. Lost some of the focus, and also started yawning near the end.

Apr 21 19+55 minutes

Counted breaths for a few minutes before driving, then drove 19 minutes to warm up the car and noted. Noting was focused, and I felt relaxed and attentive. Parked, set the timer, closed my eyes, and immediately started noting. I didn't really notice the passage though the earlier stages, but after a while I noticed tingling in my hands, legs and feet, increased brightness and energy, and shifting eyelid light patterns. Bliss came and went. I noticed some dream thinking, but only on a couple of occasions, and then I'd be back to enjoying the pleasant sensations.

Things did cool down after a bit, and the energy felt like it drained off little by little. I'd get an occasional wave of strobing, body bliss, and eyelid lights, but it would fade shortly thereafter. I got fewer and fewer of these as time went on. I found myself lost in thought more often and I definitely felt more neutral sensations rather than the pleasant energetic ones. I hung out for quite a while to see if things progressed, but other than a short episode of fearful thoughts, and a fullness sensation in my chest, nothing more developed.

Apr 22 Off-the-cushion report

Well, I think the honeymoon is about to end. Yesterday's sit was definitely much more neutral and cooler than a few days ago, Then last night, I came eyes-wide-open awake in the middle of the night from the most immersive dream I've had in a long long time with pure, unadulterated, stark, vivid fear running through me.

As soon as I was awake enough to realize what was happening, I started to grin, thinking 'Yep, this is the next thing that should be coming up for me. Things are progressing as they should!' There were no particular thoughts associated with the fear, and the dream content offers no clues yet. It was just pure fear -- no anger, no frustration, no nothing else. It took a long time for it to subside, and for the associated adrenaline levels to come down so that I could get back to sleep.

This morning, however, I felt strangely energized and awake. I bet misery, disgust, et. al. are just over the horizon, yet the thought of this doesn't seem to bother me. Yet. Give me a few weeks, and we'll see about that.

Apr 22 60 minutes

Drove to warm up the car while noting. Parked, set timer, and started with kasina practice. After five minutes of kasina, I was definitely feeling bliss, excitement, and some vibrations in my hand and feet, so I started noting. I felt my heartbeat and my breathing more than usual, but it could also have been because of the cycling yesterday (I'm starting up training for the summer season). I had lots of bliss, vibrations, eyelid lights. For a while, internal body sensations predominated and I didn't hear the usual traffic noises much.

Eventually, the energy and excitement mostly receded, but I still felt vibrations/tinglings in my hands and feet and chest. Things didn't cool down very fast, but vibrations changed to a slightly slower, almost (but not quite) harsher feel. The eyelid lights calmed down too. I started noting out loud, since I noticed I was getting lost in thought, and I started yawning. I wonder if this has something to do with a change in breathing and oxygen intake? I yawned for a while, one after another. The bliss mostly faded, and the vibrations in my chest got a tiny bit harsher. I hung out for 20 more minutes past the chime and went back to work.

I'm noticing that it's almost ridiculously easy to get floaty feelings and warm sensations if I concentrate even just a little. Round, high-contrast kasinas seem to work quickest, (like that blue circle on a black background that mumuwu posted a long while back)

Pretty much any time I notice I'm concentrating, I also notice the feelings. The other day, I was playing solitaire on my phone, and realized it was happening. Got it off a the back of a Ford Focus ahead of me on the highway today!

It's not too hard to get it to shift into a deeper (into the core of my body) feeling, and get excitement and rising energy and bliss, although getting it to stay in that state takes noticeably more concentration and quiet.

Anyway, busy weekend, lots of family stuff, little time to practice, except when driving, which I did a fair amount of.

Apr 24 23 minutes

So I did manage to get another sit in late Sunday evening, but I had an interesting and uncomfortable experience.

I started with a bit of kasina practice to get absorbed, then started watching my breathing. Itches started coming up for me, so I switched to noting. By this time, a bit of bliss and tingling had begun to appear. When I focused my attention to the itches, they would sort-of shimmer, maybe spread out a bit, and then disappear.

I got a bit sleepy (it was late in the evening) after a bit of this, started yawning and got into this weird state where I'd get this growing, increasingly uncomfortable whole-body sensation with a strong urge to move to relieve it. I'd yawn, and the movement from this would alleviate the sensation somewhat, but it would immediately start building back up again. I remember thinking that I was ready for the sit to be over, and tried to estimate how much time I had left (I had set the chime for 30 minutes). I did probably four or five rounds of this before I gave up and stretched. I immediately felt better, got up, and got ready for bed.

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm wondering if this is from one of the dukka nanas, or, is this perhaps what Shinzen refers to when he talks about relaxation pain? www.shinzen.org/Articles/artIcky.htm

Apr 25 30 minutes

Started with the noting immediately when I closed my eyes. Initially, little happened, but itches did start coming up. Whenever I'd concentrate on them, they would fade. Within 10-15 minutes, I felt a couple of state shifts with the associated momentary vertigo, and I started getting subtle bliss, tingling, and eyelight light patterns. This never really grew in intensity. It would fade, I'd get some fogginess and lack of clarity, and suddenly I'd be feeling clarity again, seeing eyelid lights and feeling body sensations again. My noting, which had dropped off, would restart. I went through a number of rounds of this before the chime went off. I suspect that I might have been getting sleepy, since I get less than my usual amount of sleep last night.

Apr 25 30 minutes

Had an interesting experience while playing with samatha practice in bed before going to sleep. Had been reading MuMuWu's journal, and was trying to play with eye focus and jhanas. I was doing it while breath-counting, and it wasn't clear to me exactly how effective that was. It seems to work better with kasinas for me. I think I need to read and play with it some more.

Anyway, first jhana seemed to be predominantly located in the front of my body, with warmth, floaty feelings, and eye focus seemed to be located on a single point. I took my time, trying to deepen the feelings. Second jhana was stronger, deeper in the core of my body, with rising energy, excitement, bliss, and eye focus was perhaps a little further out. By this time, I was getting sleepy, and third jhana seemed pretty indistinct, but seemed more located in my chest, and I don't remember where the focus of attention was at. I was fairly sleepy at this point, and don't remember fourth much at all.

Here's the interesting part, though: somewhere near the end of the time, a few minutes before the chime went off, I woke up with very little sense of my body, eyes staring off into the blackness, with a very clear sense of vast space around me. It was very clear and very memorable and very familiar, and I instantly remembered this feeling from an experience from the middle of last year that I could never identify and that never reoccurred. I suspect now that this was the first formless jhana. The chime went off soon after that, and while the sense of space left, the body sensations stayed for a little while. I can almost bring them up now if I think about it. I can't wait to try this again.

Very nice, Andy. You can learn a lot about jhanas by experimenting in this way. It's your mind, after all, and the only way to learn your way around it is to explore. You said, "I can almost bring them up now if I think about it." Yes, you can, and that is key to understanding the jhanas; they are all there for you to visit anytime. The legendary Burmese meditation master, Sayadaw U Kundala, told me that "any jhanic state that you have experienced in the past can be revisited simply by inclining your mind toward it." I have found this to be true.

Get used to the sensations, visual impressions, and mental impressions, that go with each jhana. Together, these form the "handle" for the jhana. You can get back to any jhana by simply recalling the handle. Keep us posted...

Thanks for that timely reminder, Kenneth. In general, I like to play with things and poke and prod and experiment, but I do sometime forget and then find myself trying to grind things out and just note, note, note, note.

Apr 26 55 minutes
I had a pretty good noting session on the drive in, and was able to note consistently all the way to work, and then almost all the way to my desk. I can't say that I was in second jhana, but my body did feel pretty energetic, and I had floaty feelings if I concentrated. This was going on all morning for me. When I sat at lunch, it was pretty easy to establish concentration though mindfulness of my breath. When I switched to noting, I got lots of excitement, eyelid lights, floaty sensations, bubbly tingles on my lips, hand and feet. It was somewhat warmer today, so I had the windows partly open in my car while I meditated, and I noticed that the traffic sounds and birds receded quite a bit.

I stayed in this fairly energetic blissful state for a while, but eventually, though, it very slowly faded and the excitement, bliss, and floaty feeling left. The bubbly tingling turned to more of a neutral electric current feel and moved a bit into my chest. My body sensations seemed muted and almost numb, but I could still feel cool gusts of wind on my face and in my hair. I hung out 15 minutes past the chime, but nothing different came up. I then tried to go back down the arc, and did get some eyelid lights and floaty sensations again before I opened my eyes.

Still catching up on some notes...

Apr 27 40 minutes
I've been trying to power up my noting and get through Dissolution. So, this morning, I sat for a few minutes in the car before starting off, and got to the point where I was getting little itches. I then drove and noted. I tried to pay attention to see if I could progress through the cycle while noting and driving. It did seem like I got more energy and excitement, but it took longer than just sitting with eyes closed, and the sensations were muted and hard to make out. There was also all the additional inputs from road and wind noise, bumps on the road, and of course, all the stuff in the visual field.

I managed to note consistently out loud for most of the trip, and switched to silent noting when the sense impressions got too fast and I felt I was losing too much. I did note all the way in to work but finally lost it when I actually walked into the building.

The five or six minutes before actually starting to drive seems to be pretty key. Once I establish the noting, it seem pretty easy to sustain.