Andy's practice journal

I've lately been working on trying to note more during the day. So, in addition to noting on the half-hour drive in and drive home, I've been trying to be more mindful of my surrounding in general, sneaking in the odd 5 or 10 minute kasina practice with whatever object seems to be handy, and noting whenever I have even 30 seconds to spare.

Yesterday, I didn't count anything under 10 minutes, and I ended up with 192 minutes of practice, including the 40 minute formal session.

For example, last night, I made a short trip to the grocery store. I noted on the way there, for 5 minutes in the car in the parking lot before I went in, noted (between distractions) in the grocery store, noted in the car for 5 minutes after, and noted all the way home. Ended up with about 40 minutes of noting practice. Now, it's not the same as doing it with my eyes closed, but then again, it is out in the real world and off the cushion.

7/27

This morning, I noted for about 5 minutes sitting in the car before heading out. Once on the road, noting seemed to flow pretty well. I was noted the four foundations, spending two minutes apiece on them, and when I got to vedana the second time around, I realized I was noting predominantly pleasant, pleasant, pleasant'¦ I found myself feeling a lot of joy, a little physical bliss, and a great deal of enjoyment and mindfulness of my driving and of the surroundings that I passed through. Thinking was quieter, and when I asked myself, "I wonder what my next thought will be?" it took a while for thoughts to form.

When I went back to noting the four foundations, I found that this state faded somewhat, but not completely. This lasted all the way into work, and then maybe an hour into the morning. This seems similar to my experience in post #223.

So I've been watching the Daniel Ingram Cheetah House interviews on Vimeo:

1. vimeo.com/23539030
2. vimeo.com/23567498
3. vimeo.com/23568408

He's lecturing (to a group of grad students, perhaps?). Fascinating stuff. I've read MCTB, and one of the big questions I've had about Equanimity was "what the heck are formations?" When I was trying for stream entry, I read more than I care to list about formations, and never really understood his explanation. Got stream entry anyway.

In Video 3, from 2:10 - 10:30, he talks about Equanimity, and gets into formations. I totally get it! I mean, I completely, totally understand what he means by formations! And I'd been seeing them all along. Holy cow!

I highly recommend the the videos if you're still early in the process, but be sure to set aside time -- there are somewhere around 3 hours of interviews, I think (I haven't finished...)

Other points of interest about Equanimity in this bit of video:
4:20 Formations
5:30 How to get to stream entry from Equanimity
6:30 Noticing the sensations that make up the sense of self
8:00 Seeing through the subject/object duality

7/27

15 minutes
So, excited by the stuff I learned in the video, I immediately did a quick 15 min. vipassana sit, went up to Equanimity and started exploring background sensations. Turns out there have been lots of sensations that I've never really looked at: the sensations of attention changing from one thing to another, the sensations of intention to change attention, the sense of space, calmness, curiosity, doubt, wanting a fruition, wanting second path, etc... I've noted these things as they've passed by, but I've never really looked at them in a moment by moment raw sensation basis. A while into the sit, I noticed pressure building up in my head, a slow pulsing (which was probably my heart), and one blip moment, and soon after that it felt like the sit was done.

15 minutes
Samatha practice watching my breath. Able to count over 100 breaths before the timer went off. I had a couple of times where I started getting bliss and eyelid lights, but I successfully fought that and stayed with the breath. Last few times I've tried this, I've fallen asleep, but today it seemed easy, trivial, almost.

Excellent stuff. Sounds like a real lightbulb moment.

Bravo!

7/28

For the last two weeks, I've had near-constant pressure and headaches, both in the very back of my head, and behind my eyes and temples. Over that last week, I've also had a noticeable increase in general mental fogginess, dullness, tiredness, and inability to stay awake in meditation.

To make things complicated, I quit caffeine cold-turkey AFTER the headaches started. I also have been (again) having difficulty getting good sleep, have been waking up in the middle of the night, and have needed 8.5+ hours of sleep a night to feel better.

Somewhere around the start of these headaches, (around the time I wrote post #207) the "minor mental superpowers" faded away, and it's been really tough to stay with anything for any length of time. Concentration was one of those "minor superpowers" that seemed to be most affected.

However, over the last couple of day, concentration seems to be coming back online. Now, I can often limit my focus of concentration to my chosen object, and other objects literally seem to fade away into the background. I was able to do it with the sensations of breath while seated, with my feet while walking, and with kasinas. In fact, the other day, I was breath-counting, and the A&P started to present itself, but I was able to stay concentrated on my breath and prevent the cycle from starting. I can also better stay with sensations arising and passing during vipassana without getting lost and sleepy.

It feels like things are easing up. I don't expect to get the Wow! bliss and mental superpowers from two weeks ago, but it's nice to be able to meditate again without falling asleep.

I have some time this weekend, so I'm planning on doing a bunch of meditation - formal, noting/mindful driving, walking, and will also be spending time on candle-flame, kasina, and breath samatha practices.

7/28

I found that I have access to a huge set of libraries in my state. They all participate in this E-Library program. I check out the book on line, it gets delivered to my local library for pickup, and I drop it back off at the library.

Last night, "On Having No Head" by D.E. Harding came in.

www.amazon.com/Having-No-Head-Rediscovery-Obvious/dp/1878019198

Douglas Harding gives a short and very accessible account from a non-buddhist perspective of his instantaneous waking up and seeing through the subject/object duality. I highly recommend it.

When I was reading his account of his sudden loss of self, I felt a lot of "sympathetic vibrations." I got this swirling vertigo that almost felt like it was going to suck me in to some deep altered state. (FWIW, I also get this swirling vertigo sometimes whenever I read the Direct Pointing conversations on DHO.)

By the time I finished his account, I was able to, for short periods of time, look at my body sensations, not with my imagination about what should be there(like arms, legs, head, ears, etc..), but actually see what physical sensations were actually there.

And boy was it different that what was in my imagination and thoughts about what I should be seeing! Sensations were popping up all over and inside my body, but I was able to see them arise and pass in real time, without thinking getting int the way.

I went to bed shortly after that, fighting the urge to note/notice (sometimes keeps me awake), but this morning, a quick sit and then a mindful drive showed that I still had access to some of that seeing. Very cool.

7/29, 45 minute sit

Had been reading the Ruthless Truth blogs for maybe 20 minutes, and had been getting the swirly vertigo in my head thing when I'd read certain statements about how some of the people came to their realizations about the nature of self, mistakenly perceiving self, etc'¦

Leaned back in my chair, closed my eyes, and very, very quickly was able to just notice very simply how sounds came to my ears, how sensations came up and went over my body, and see how thoughts came and went by themselves, and how this was all there was. Several times I felt gentle body rushes of energy, and one time I felt energy swirling in my chest before it went up through my head. These seemed most pronounced when I was watching thinking coming and going, and seeing it as just another thing that entered and passed through awareness.

I sat this way for a long time. Occasionally, I moved to relieve some pressure, but mostly, I simply just sat and watched. At one point, I felt myself to be in Equanimity, and I tried to pay more attention to background sensations of curiosity, wondering, expecting.

I then felt the swirly vertigo energy rush thingy building up again, starting to crowd things out, but again, it cut off. I'm not sure what it is, but I wonder if I'm somehow either trying too hard to encourage it, or am subtly afraid of letting it happen. When it starts building up, it definitely feels like it gets bigger and that there is something over on the other side of it, and that something would happen only if it would only keep going.

For a long time, there was nothing but sensations, sounds, and thoughts, all just passing through. Eventually, after around 40 minutes, I started feeling more embedded in things, and noticed some sleepiness and drifting, so in a bit, I ended the sit.

7/30, 8hr, 20 min.

I had the chance to do a home retreat on Saturday, and spent over 8 hours on various practices, including formal closed-eye noting and samatha, driving/noting, walking meditation, candle-flame, kasina, and general mindfulness during the day.

I wasn't expecting any big breakthroughs, and I wasn't disappointed. My working theory was that I was somewhere in Dark Night, and this was based mostly on the inability to concentrate, headaches, and general mental dullness in daily life that started over the last two weeks, after the "Big Event" of 7/6, post #199.

I mostly wanted to see if I could vault past the DN, and make it to early Equanimity in daily life. Whether or not I accomplished this is not clear at all to me. What is clear is that I became highly focused during the day to where general mindfulness in between formal practices was easy and natural.

Walking meditation definitely developed my concentration when I practiced concentration, and when I practiced noting while walking, it felt like I made it to Equanimity. So, two thumbs up for walking meditation.

Jhana practice was not worth writing home about. I had initially thought that with the increased concentration, jhanas would be easier to attain. Not the case.

Most of the closed-eye noting sessions seemed like Review - noticeable eyelid lights, excitement, clarity, then cool tingling, then a bit of time of not much stuff worth writing home about, then a short, unfocused, dream-like state and then back to eyelid lights with (sometimes lots) of body bliss. It felt very hard to stay put in Equanimity unless I was walking.

When I finally went to bed, my body felt extremely energetic, in a way that I've not felt before off the cushion, and usually don't get to unless I have a strong A&P passage. This pretty much faded by the morning, and the next day was nothing special.

8/1, 30 minutes

Started by walking to establish some mindfulness, then drove to my meditation spot and started breath-counting. Lost track a few times, but not too badly, so I started noting. Within a very short time, I found myself lost in thoughts, and not really aware of when it was happening. I started getting dropouts where things got dreamy, and then I'd regain clarity. Shortly after that, I realized I was falling asleep and waking up, so I opened my eyes and tried noting with my eyes open, but it didn't really help. My eyes would close and I wouldn't realize it until my head jerked and I woke up. Cut the sit short at 30 minutes and gave up.

Later in the evening, I noticed that I was not very motivated, but tried breath-counting anyway. Same result as before.

Went to be early to get more rest. The next morning, I still wasn't feeling very motivated, and still felt tired from the day before. Was having lots of thoughts of having had enough of the tiredness, wanting the sleepiness to be over, lack of motivation, blah, blah, blah.

"Excellent stuff. Sounds like a real lightbulb moment.

Bravo!"

Yes. Very good. Thanks!

8/2, 40 minutes

Motivation is still down today, and I keep having thoughts about maybe changing something significant in my practice. Seems like a good reason to keep doing what I'm doing, but to put some more effort into it to get through this phase.

At lunch today, I started with breath-counting. Outside sounds kept intruding, and it was hard to stay focused, so I switched to noting. I felt a couple of state shifts, but kept losing the thread of noting. Eventually I got sleepier and started falling asleep for very short times.

I opened my eyes and noted with my eyes open for the last 20 minutes. I was able to stay awake for the most part. My skin felt like it got a bit numb and tingly, and I wasn't able to note very many touch sensations unless I really, really focused on them. Had some yawning, but managed to keep my eyes open.

It felt like a major win after yesterday's session.

8/3, 35 minutes

Was able to be mindful and note okay for the drive in, and found that my motivation to practice has increased a bit.

At lunch, started with 5 minutes of breath-counting, and much to my surprise, I didn't fall asleep or lose count. So I shifted to noting, and was still awake after five minutes of that. Kept noting. Saw moving, collapsing light patterns, then a longer period of tighter focus, and some confusion. Then, I realized outside sounds were coming in, and I could hear traffic from far away. Stayed this way for a long time, trying to pay attention to stuff passing in the background. Found a lot of calmness, a bunch of self-referential thoughts, but it still feels like I'm missing a lot. Had a few times where it felt like my energy state increased and then faded, and a few times where it almost, sort-of felt like I fell asleep for less than a second, but I'm not really sure.

I was surprised that I was able to stay awake for this.

8/3, 35 minutes

Got a chance to do another formal sit today. The motivation to sit is definitely up, the ability to sit without falling asleep immediately is back, and so is the ability to bring up subtle bliss when I incline my mind to it. And, oh, by the way, my headaches have been gone for a few days.

Even prior to sitting, I could tell it was going to be easy to get into sitting. I was already feeling some of the bliss and motivation. Started with 10 minutes of breath-counting, and it was easy to do, even though there were traffic noises outside, and the breeze was hitting me at times. Near the end of the 10 minutes, it felt like I was ready to note -- I was having some of the awareness of outside sounds, and a bit of the physical disconnection from my body sensations.

Started noting, and pretty quickly I got focused on noting. States didn't seem to change, but it did feel like I was in Equanimity. Spent the balance of the time watching sensations come and go, watching for and noting background sensations, and watching for sensations of the self.

Got interrupted by my phone buzzing. After I stopped meditating and called the person back, and then got on the road to go home, I was still feeling a bit buzzy, tingly, and concentrated. This lasted for a while, even though I did not note on the way home.

8/4 30 minutes

I seem to be pretty good at attaining the Knowledge of Sleep nyana. Set the timer for 40, but lasted only 30 minutes before I called it quits. The drive home from work was also not very productive, and I found myself wandering, following thoughts, getting stuck in feelings.

8/5, 40 minutes

Started with noting immediately. Had no sense of clear transitions, but noticed increased energy in my body. At one point, I started feeling my eyes start to flicker and twitch on their own, and when I looked up slowly, I had a gentle fruition, and a nice, but short-lived, bliss wave.

Later, though, I had an interesting experience. I had what felt like a long fruition entrance immediately followed by clear, clean space with no thinking. I almost thought of it as a "what was that moment" because I didn't recognize the entrance to the fruition until later. There was no bliss wave afterward, just space in the hearing, watching, waiting, and a noticeable lack of thought for a while.

8/6, 30 minutes

In bed right after waking up. Very indistinct session, lots of dreaminess, likely from just waking up.

Later that afternoon, I took a nap, and even before I completely woke up, I was feeling uncomfortable whole-body vibrations, and my hearbeat was very noticeable. After I woke up, the vibrations became less obvious, but I was definitely noticing anger, frustration, dissatisfaction coming up. This lasted for at least three or four hours after the nap.

8/7

Two 40 minute sessions of noting/driving. I usually don't mention these sessions, but in this case, it seemed like I didn't need to note very hard. Gentle awareness of the surroundings felt more useful.

40 minutes of samatha practice watching my breath. Usually, I either fall asleep, or end up progressing through nyanas. This time, I was able to pay attention to my breath the whole time. Even though I drifted into thought a bit, I was able to get back to my breath and stay with it.

8/8

I was still very tired after my 56 mile bike ride yesterday. During the morning drive, I felt distracted, but kept at the noting.

When I was still drinking caffeine, I would have probably had 3 cups in the hours prior to the lunchtime meditation session. I set the timer for 40 minutes, but after having gotten less than 5 minutes of good noting, I opened my eyes to try to stay awake. I did manage to keep my eyes open most of the time, but I noticed from time to time that they were closed. I tried hard to note, but it was a tough go most of the time. I made it through to the end of the time, but don't feel like I made any progress.

The drive home was much more mindful, but in the evening, I tried to do some noting practice, and kept drifting off. Basically, my body needs rest and recovery.

8/9

I got almost 9 hours of sleep last night, so I started with 10 minutes of kasina practice, which seemed to go well. By that I mean that I didn't fall asleep.

Started noting, and got in about 5-10 minutes of good noting, after which I started getting lots of dreaminess and drifting. I'd get clarity (or wake up) and then very quickly get sleepy again. In some ways it doesn't feel like sleep, because it seems to be similar to cycling between A&P and Equanimity, except that there's no bliss, tingles, or light patterns when I get clarity.

Opened my eyes and tried to keep going, but it was rough going. At one point, I had clarity then a small bliss wave, so I'm pretty sure it wasn't all sleep.

After the chime rang, my thinking felt a bit cloudy, my body didn't feel really awake, and it took maybe 20 minutes for things to clear up.

Is this sleepiness perhaps Dark Night symptoms or does it sounds like any of the pre-A&P nyanas? There don't seem to be other off-the-cushion symptoms of Dark Night.

8/10

Another medium-level bike ride last night, so I had reason to be tired this morning. However, I woke up about a half-hour before the alarm, and truly was awake. So, I worked on samatha with breath-counting. Concentration seemed to be available, and the counting became unnecessary after a bit, so I just steeped in the pleasant sensations. Not long after that, I locked into a stable focused state where my body felt like it was an outer shell, and body sensations were few and far in between. Outside sounds were noticeable, but not distracting.

It definitely felt like hard jhana, but it's been so long since I've had it, I had a difficult time telling if this was second or third. Stayed that way until the alarm rang.

Before I drove in, I sat in my car and noted for about 20 minutes. Was able to not only stay awake, but was also able to focus pretty well on the noting, with very few distractions into thought. After 20 minutes, I slowly opened my eyes, and drove the half-hour to work, noting rapidly the entire way.

All in all, a pretty focused morning so far. We'll see what the lunchtime session brings.

8/10, 60 minutes

This is the first sit in a long time where I haven't had any issues with sleepiness, and where my motivation and enthusiasm seemed fairly high.

Did a few minutes of kasina practice, and soon closed my eyes and switched to noting. Felt several state shifts within a few minutes. These were accompanied by involuntary eye twitches and tightening of my eye muscles. After my these were done, outside noises became apparent. Cars going by on the highway made a noticeable, detailed "swooshing" sound.

Shortly, my body got tingly and buzzy, and then the tingliness turned to prickliness. I had trouble catching my breath for a few seconds, then I felt tightness in my neck. This stopped being noticeable, and my thinking got a bit dreamlike.

Shortly after that, I felt a strong shift, my body got very tingly, I got some shifting and moving light patterns, and noticed that my
thinking had more clarity and that my noting had picked up on it's own.

Some variation of this went on for over an hour. Sometimes, I'd get coldness on my skin, sometimes I'd hear the wind really pick up and feel anxiety, sometimes I'd get an angry fearful scenario play out in my head, sometimes I'd feel pressure in my forehead and behind my eyes, and occasionally, I'd also get some bliss on the shift down to A&P.

Once, I tried to see what the shift to A&P looked like with my eyes open. When the shift came, I experienced the entrance as a very forceful change in the focus of my attention. It was wide and panoramic to begin with, then it got tighter, and then was only on my body. Then I felt a sort-of tightening up, almost like I was going to pass out, then I was on the other side, and feeling a lot of tingling, and realizing that I had objects in my visual field again.

Interesting stuff, but this too shall pass. I wonder what's next? I don't know.

"Once, I tried to see what the shift to A&P looked like with my eyes open. When the shift came, I experienced the entrance as a very forceful change in the focus of my attention. It was wide and panoramic to begin with, then it got tighter, and then was only on my body. Then I felt a sort-of tightening up, almost like I was going to pass out, then I was on the other side, and feeling a lot of tingling, and realizing that I had objects in my visual field again.
"

Wow. That is an interesting idea. Thanks for sharing.

8/10

Did another sit after work. Started with noting, but rather than feeling drawn into concentration, I again got drawn into sleepiness. Opened my eyes, and even though I was able to keep my eyes open for most of the sit, I was struggling to stay with noting the whole time. Cut the sit short at 25 minutes rather than 40. The drive home was a bit better for noting.

It doesn't feel like I'm making any progress in these types of sits. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

8/11

Well, this sit was the opposite of the last one. Set the timer for 20 minutes, and ended up sitting for 50. Go figure.

It started off innocently enough. I started noting, and eventually felt myself in what appeared to be Equanimity. I was able to hang out here for a while without cycling back to A&P, but eventually I did. Next time through, as soon as I found myself in the same state, I started noting out-loud. This seemed to provide enough focus to enable me to hang out in the state without cycling for quite a while. I tried to note any background sensations or impression of me, myself, I, anything that I might be subtly hanging on to. Eventually, I did cycle, but the next time through, I was again able to stay in Equanimity for a while.

Eventually (50 minutes later), I found myself having lost a lot of clarity, and my out-loud noting was harder and harder to maintain, so I ended the sit.

I'm not sure if this is the right strategy, but it seems to cause different behavior than I have been getting. Before, I seemed to cycle endlessly; now, perhaps I can investigate the state better.