Andy's practice journal

June 2

I think I may have had my first fruition off the cushion.

I was at a long meeting after lunch, and was in the middle of listening to a long presentation that I found confusing. I left my eyes open, but let my mind drift a bit. It sort of felt like sleepiness, but not quite. I'm wondering now if I was actually in Equanimity, since I had a noticeable decrease in body sensations from the neck down, and my thoughts had this dreamy flowing quality that I've associated with Equanimity.

Suddenly, I noticed an almost thump-like jerk in my body, clarity was definitely back, and I was feeling a bit of bliss.

I explored the sleepy-like sensations, let things drift around a bit and had another smaller version of this.

I'm not clear that it was a fruition, but the sleepiness wasn't like what I usually experience sleepiness as. For one thing, I had a fair amount of control over how far into the dreaminess I could go, and also, there was this sense of intention about it. Sleepiness for me is usually very involuntary, and I have little control over it.

I'll keep an eye out for this to see if I can reproduce it.

June 3

20 minutes in car after work.

Breath-counted to 40 and started noting. It wasn't clear to me where I was on the maps. Felt three or more shifts before getting spaced out. It became hard to focus, hard to concentrate on noting. Had a stronger shift, to a slightly more blissful state, but it wasn't very clear. Never really felt stages or shifts after this. After the chime rang, I was feeling pretty spaced out, slow to think, slow to move.

June 4

90 minutes
Long drive. I practiced noting as per post #0. It's the first time in a week where I've been both motivated and had the concentration to note aloud most of the time. I think I've gotten out of practice and my noting has been suffering a bit for it.

40 minutes
Watched breathing for 10 minutes, working on concentration. Resisted entry/surrender to floaty and energetic feelings during this time. Then, started noting. Had sensations of heat, abdominal pressure. Noticed my breathing, and for a short while, it became hard to not interfere with my breath. This stuff flashed by pretty quickly, maybe taking 1-2 minutes in total. Eventually, I got a sense of space and outside sound got a bit more prominent, but I never really felt transitions on the way here. Objects became a bit spacey, diffuse. Noting seemed to take a lot of effort. At one point, I felt a small twitch and noticed an increase in clarity, energy level, and a tiny increase in bliss. It was hard to tell, though. At another point, I felt spacey, dreamy, had some eye twitches, changes in eye focus. In general, it was very hard to tell much was going on. Meditation has been this way lately.

60 minutes
Long drive again. Alternated through the foundations, working more on noting thought with 'I wonder what my next thought will be?' and also worked on noting feelings. I seem to be getting stuck on these.

June 5

Interesting little 5 minutes sit today. Closed my eyes and started noting. Within a minute or so, I had the distinct sensation of experiencing thoughts as coming from inside my head, and they seemed to have a defined size and shape and area of origination smaller than the actual felt shape of my head.

Looking at them was no different than looking at sensations coming from the other five senses. Kinda cool.

"June 5

Interesting little 5 minutes sit today. Closed my eyes and started noting. Within a minute or so, I had the distinct sensation of experiencing thoughts as coming from inside my head, and they seemed to have a defined size and shape and area of origination smaller than the actual felt shape of my head.

Looking at them was no different than looking at sensations coming from the other five senses. Kinda cool.

"

Sensational! Keep doing this. Thoughts can be seen as just more sensory input, with no more or less status than seeing or hearing, etc. Seen in this way, it's easy to let go of the habitual identification with thoughts. In other words, all of us know intellectually that "I am not my thoughts," but to directly objectify thoughts as you are doing now makes this intuitively obvious.

Whoa! Congratulations on path!

Thanks, Meekan!

June 5

50 minutes
Started with breath-counting, and felt firm jhana sensations fairly quickly, so I focused on the sensations. Spent 20 minutes playing with jhanas. Was able to move from jhana 1 up to 4 and back down several times, and this was pretty clear. Tried jumping from 1 - 3 - 2 - 4, and it wasn't so clear. Eventually, the clarity and strength of the sensations went down quite a bit.

Tried to get to the first arupa jhana, but started getting eyelid lights and bliss, so I switched from jhana play to noting. Was able to sense movement through the stages, but not as shifts, but instead as changes in body sensations. I've never seen how others describe these, but for me, a shift seems to involve a momentary feeling of vertigo, or an eye-focus change, or a change in the perceived sense of space around me. I didn't get any of that. Instead, I felt bliss and energy, then coolness on my skin, then a sense of oppressive heat, maybe some abdominal pressure in there somewhere, and occasional itching. After this, dreaminess, dream-like thinking, feeling spaced out.

I went through this cycle a bunch of times. The first time through, I got the internal squeezing or pressure sensation, then a nice bliss way a few seconds after. Later passages through this went by much faster, but the change back to A&P was much less noticeable. What I did tend to notice was the coolness on my skin, then the hot flash, then getting a bit spaced out.

My timer misfired, so I sat an additional 10 minutes more than I intended.

June 6

30 minutes in the car at lunch. I was tired from my training ride yesterday when I started. I set my intent to work my way up the arc, reviewing each nyana and paying attention to transitions. I then started noting and felt a few shifts, but it was never clear to me what stage I was in. I felt myself falling asleep and waking up several times. At the 20 minute mark, I tried to change to breath-counting, but it was a lost cause.

June 8, 45 minutes

Had woken with some bliss and jhana-like sensations, and it's been fairly easy to bring these up during the day just by thinking about it, so I tried to do a bit of jhana work today. Started initially by working on samatha for a bit, trying to deepen concentration, then switched to noting doubles. I haven't noted doubles on the cushion before, but have done it while driving a number of times. Found it fairly easy to do doubles, and was able to cycle several times without any noticeable changes related to the noting.

Switched back to samatha to try again to work on arupa jhanas. I might have gotten some some initial looks at 5th jhana. I've woken up several times this year in what I thought was 5th, so I tried to duplicate the feelings and sense of it, but am not sure if I really did get a taste of it, or was just fooling myself.

Went back to noting, and was able to cycle several more time. I've noticed that as I get further past Stream Entry, the transition back down to A&P had gotten much less noticeable, and in general, I don't often get a clear sense of the in-between nyanas, either.

June 8, 30 minutes

I had been feeling blissful and energetic all day, and it's felt like I've been stuck in firm second jhana all day.

When I closed my eyes and started noting, my body felt like energy was sloshing around inside from one part to another in slow-motion. Also was getting itches all over. It was interesting to feel them tingle and pulse, and spread and intensify, then cut off, only to start back up. To be fair, some of it was due to meditating in my car under a tree in 95F weather. The breeze carries all kinds of fuzz and pollen. Oh, and I did find a bug crawling on my leg once, so it was particularly fascinating to watch my mind try to guess if I was feeling a bug or just an itch. Only found the one bug, but swatted at a few itches.

Didn't feel like I cycled much, maybe once, but I surely was feeling a lot of bliss when I was done.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm coming to the end of Review and am starting an new Progress of Insight.

So, last Saturday, #153, may have been Mind and Body, and all the itches from yesterday, #159, remind me of Three Characteristics. The recent confusion about cycling and sleepiness seem familiar from pre-A&P stuff, and all the body bliss and energy I'm constantly feeling is reminding me of A&P territory from the last path.

The last time I went through this, I meandered in confusing territory for a while until I made an explicit resolution to give up the current path and review cycle, and to start again. I'm not sure I'm done yet with this Review, but it may get to a point of quickly diminishing returns.

I'll give it a week or two before I make up my mind.

June 9

Quick 15 minute sit that tirned into a 25 minute sit. Again today, I had been feeling lots of energy and bliss building up all day. Started by counting breaths. At 20 switched to just watching my breath. Then, focused on whole body breathing, looked for pleasure and focused on building that.

It became fairly apparent that the bliss and energy I was feeling was different than than the pleasure and excitement that I was working on building up. Gave up on jhana and noted for a short while, then played with rolling my eyes up on my head and letting blinking start and stop. Had several strong bliss waves. Played some more, and had one episode where I felt a long buildup (almost like what bed spins feel like if you've had too much to drink when you lie down). The bliss wave that followed that was stronger. Waited for it to subside before trying again, and got the same buildup and then the bliss wave release on the other side of it.

Interesting that this hasn't ever really been that intense for me before, and it really seems to have something to do with the long buildup.

"
After reviewing my experiences on and off the cushion over the last twelve days, and after emailing Kenneth, I strongly suspect I had a path fruition on Thursday, May 19, while meditating in my car on lunch break, at about 2:00 in the afternoon, parked in a commuter lot next to a busy freeway (post #109).

I didn't recognize the event as a fruition at the time, nor did it strike me as odd that the next day's fantastic mindfulness was out of the ordinary (posts #110-112). It finally started to dawn on me when I had a review fruition a few days later (#120-121), which led to terrible excitement when I had another one a week later (#130). Had another review fruition today, as well.

"

Super!

Hey Andy. Congrats on path! And thanks for the fantastic reports! Looking forward to reading more.

Hey, thanks, guys. Sorry for taking so long to respond - I've been away all weekend.

I'm back home after a long weekend cycling. I had little time for formal practice, but tried to take advantage of any opportunity. Got some good noting done in the car on the way there and back, as well as some on the ride itself.

The cycling event was a very long and intensive ride focused on hills and climbing, and I have not had much time this year to lay down enough base mileage to feel comfortable pushing hard on the ride. I did notice, though, that I seemed to be able to get out of my own way mentally fairly well, and just let my body do the best it could when the climbs got really hard. It's kinda nice being able to separate out at least some of the pain from the suffering.

June 13

40 minutes
Woke up this morning not having slept well, and felt cranky and irritable for the first time in a long time.

At lunch, walked for 10 minutes and noted to get concentrated, then drove to my meditation spot and started noting. Felt the first shift fairly quickly. Kept noting, but started feeling sleepiness and pretty soon was falling asleep. Woke at 30 minutes into the meditation, having not been awake for some good part of it.


30 minutes
After work, I worked on samatha for the first 20 minutes, and got good, focused body bliss going. Played with going up to fourth jhana and back down for a while, then tried again for fifth. I could almost swear there was something going on, but pretty soon, I felt a shift and felt myself in the cycle.

I started noting, but noting felt heavy and ponderous, and was hard to sustain. I don't think I fell asleep, and I did notice that outside sounds did come into awareness fairly prominently. When I opened my eyes at the chime, it felt like I was in Equanimity, but I also had some body bliss going at the same time, which felt a bit out of place.

Was able to sustain noting most of the way home, and the noting went through several distinct phases, including a more focused one, and a wider-open awareness. By the time I got home, though, I had lost most of the focus and was getting lost in thought.

June 14

30 minutes in car at lunch.

Started noting immediately and noted for maybe 10-15 minutes before I felt a noticeable shift. However, nothing really felt different afterward. Kept noting, and at one point I felt my heartbeat get noticeable. Later, my mind spun a whole scenario involving a conflict. Later still, I noticed that my body felt less distinct and that it was hard to tell where my body outlines were.

I had a transition back down, and saw some eyelid lights. A bit later, I felt the same sense of vague body outline again. Things felt confusing and it was hard to maintain noting. After the chime rang, I noticed a bunch of body bliss, and this body bliss has persisted throughout the day.

This definitely does NOT feel like the start of a new cycle.

I haven't had much formal sitting time lately due to Real Life(â„¢). However, I have been noting whenever I've gotten the chance, and have tried to maintain mindfulness whenever possible (I seem to get lost in thought fairly quickly, though)

Any sittings that I have done have been confusing, unclear. I've gotten lots of body buzzing and tingling, fogginess, calmness, but haven't had clear fruitions. I also don't really feel any clear progress through nyanas, but feel as if I'm stuck in early A&P at times, based on body feel.

Several mornings in a row, I've gotten up and have been grumpy, which was my default setting last year. It haven't had this in quite a while now, so it makes me curious if I've managed to hit Dark Night occasionally in daily life. It might sorta make sense too, from a timing perspective.

I wonder if I'm in some strange gray area where I'm simultaneously at the tail end of the current review period, and also have nyanas from a new cycle coming up as well.


So, I hereby formally renounce, release, and let go of any previous path that may still be happening, and formally intend and resolve to start and attain a new path as quickly as reasonably possible for the benefit of all beings (including me).

There, I said it. Now, let's see if that changes anything.

June 16, 40 minutes

Drove/noted for 10 minutes to warm up and get concentrated. Then, parked, and worked on samatha for 20 minutes by watching my breath. Quite soon, I got a very strong itch in my left eye, and that stayed with me for a good part of the sit.

Worked my way up to fourth jhana, and then tried to explore fifth and sixth jeans. I didn't get anything really concrete, but I did get a subtly different sense of my body sensations in 4th vs. 5th vs. 6th. I then worked my way back down to first jhana.

For the last 10 minutes, I noted. I started okay, but then drifted, and eventually changed to out-loud noting for the remainder of the time. Didn't really feel like I cycled. I did have some brightening of the visual field, and my attention seemed to be focused inward rather than outward.

June 18

Long drive again, so a bunch of opportunities to practice noting. I've been trying to wean myself off the 2 minute timer, since I've noticed that I start to drift when noting in the car and I don't have a timer with me. I'll slowly extend this time until I don't need to have the timer to keep me focused. Today, I set timer for 3 minutes and was able to stay focused on noting.

120 minutes noting/driving
Out-loud noting with good focus. Worked a lot on feelings/mindstates and thoughts, trying to make sure to note out loud.

40 minutes eye-closed samatha session, practicing breath-counting
Initially, I had a whole lot of thinking and excitement going on related to a good meeting and a small project I decided to take on. It seemed to take a really long time to get settled into breath counting. A lot of noting was happening on autopilot at first. Then, as I continued, I was able to spend more time on each breath cycle actually watching the breath. For a long time, I'd watch one or two breaths mindfully, but then get lost in thought again before coming back to the breath.

Even so, despite the mindfulness issues, I got tingling along the front of my body which slowly deepened. I also got subtle tingling that rose and fell along with my breath, I could mostly feel the tingling when the breath went out, and before I started the next breath.

For a while, the outlines of my body dropped mostly away, and I felt suspended in space, with my breath sensations being the only 'anchor.' After this feeling faded, outside sounds and noises came back into awareness, and I felt more anchored in my sense of my body.

More thinking came back and I found myself lost in thought over and over. I tried paying more attention to the very top and bottom of my breath cycle and was able to regain better focus on my breath.

The chime rang soon after that.

June 18, continued...

25 minutes noting/driving - fairly focused. Stopped to do some shopping, but was not able to maintain mindfulness.

55 minutes noting/driving - fairly focused. Had an interesting bit near the end of my trip where for a few moments, a few brief moments, I was able to be an observer in my body, watching what my body did and what thoughts and sensations arose. Very cool, and exciting.

June 19

Not much time for formal sits today. I did have good opportunities to pay attention to aversive feelings/mindstates during the day, and got in some noting practice in as a passenger in a car as well.

10 minutes samatha
Only giving myself credit for 10 minutes, since I fell asleep soon after I started.

20 minutes samatha
Started with a bit of kasina to get concentrated, and definitely was feeling the tingles, bliss and pleasure, but once I closed my eyes and started watching my breath, I wasn't able to reproduce these. Spent all of the time trying to stay focused on counting, since I was losing my place fairly often.

June 20, 45 minutes in car at lunch

Started with kasina practice using the tailights of the car parked in front of me. Then closed my eyes and counted breaths. Felt some tingling along the front of my body and had a few rushes of pleasure. This deepened a bit after a short while. I felt a shift and breathing became more prominent and easier to notice.

At around the 20 minute mark, I shifted to noting, but it's not clear to me that I had practicing samatha up to this point, since I wasn't really feeling jhana sensations. After a short while I felt more shifts, and felt a sort of numbness on my skin and found it hard to sense my body outlines. At this time, I also noticed that outside sounds had become more prominent in my awareness, and breathing had become just another sensation in my field of attention. After a bit, I realized that I had been having some dream-like thinking and some spaciness.

This suddenly changed, and I got an increase in clarity, and started seeing colored light patterns, which stayed pretty noticeable for a while. I then again got the loss of sensation on my skin, and a vaguer sense of my body outline. Once again, outside sounds came into awareness. At one point, I felt a shift, and was much more immersed in the outside sounds. Then, this faded back to less immersion.

This pattern of cycling went on for a while, but at some point, I ended up having episodes of sleepiness, and sat past the chime. Later in the afternoon, I noticed that it was pretty easy to bring up blissful sensations in my body.