Howard's Practice Notes

I've been on the road visiting family for the last few days. Nothing on Wednesday, as i was traveling, but I read some of "Quintessesntial Dzogchen" ch 19 "Taking Direct perception as the Path" by Thrangu Rimpoche. A fascinating read.

Thurs and Fri

I did about an hour each day (2 x 30 mins) and a stable pattern emerged even though my circumstances were chaotic. 10 mins first gear, 5 mins noticing the anxiety inherent in "selfing" 15 mins in and out of Dzogchen; some of it strong and clean.

I had an interesting insight. On one sitting I had 10 mins of absolute clarity followed by 20 mins of total chaos. At some point i realised that the chaos was just as empty as the clarity; so what? I hear you say. Well; it was a shock to realise that I thought that the clarity was more empty than the chaos. And also that sensations of clarity were "better" as a result. A newbie mistake, when doing Mahamudra/Dzogchen, I think.

A great insight, Howard--one of those things we all know intellectually but sometimes forget in the moment.
Owen said something to the effect of "remember, no one sensation is any more important than any other." Would that I could remember that 100 percent of the time!

Yeah, weird ain't it. In this instance my way into Mahamudra tends to happen after the mind is stabalised, in what I assume to be, "Witness." 1st gear to witness and on to Mahamudra feels like a positive progression, which I suppose it is. So its easy to think that the sensations are also "progessing" in some way. I think I was confusing style with content.

30th July
6pm, 30 mins
10 mins 1st gear, 5 mins 2nd gear, 15 mins up and down between 2nd and 3rd.

31st July
9am, 30mins
Spent the first 10 in 1st gear and the rest in witness, tried for 3rd but it never held for long.

5.30pm, 30mins
Mahamudra was easy to access but was so "polluted" with biss, that I kept falling asleep. Curse you, blissfull sensations!

1st Aug
10am, 30mins
This session was one of those rare occasions where the mind wants to be present and falls over itself to get into Mahamudra. Nice

Got a migraine later on, no practice possible or so I thought. Upon retireing to my bedchamber and unable to sleep because of the chain saw in my head, I remembered a time before the invention of Sumatriptan. This, the amazing drug that makes Migraines un-happen. I had forgotten my supply and was resigned to a sleepness night. I used to try to meditate my way though migrains, on the assumption that if pain can be deconstructed to a low enough level the pain stops being pain and becomes something else. It only ever provided limited relief, because I didn't understand the difference between sufffering and pain, but it has stayed with me. Last night I tried for the first time in years. To my surprise it worked; hang on to the pain like a pitt bull, eventually some "loosness" arises then a bit of "lucidity" then the whole thing became less precious and I drifted off to sleep. Woke up a bit later and repeated the process, and it was easier each time. I actualy got, wonder of wonders, a decent nights sleep. I don't think the Old Tibetan Dudes had this kind of application in mind when they first discovered Mahamudra, but I don't think they would mind too much.

2nd Aug
2 sits of 30 mins each
Emptyness was very close the surface today popping-up all over, waiting for the bus, buying a lettuce. Practice was smooth and easy. I find that I'm noting "looseness" and "lucidity" more than noting individual sensations at the moment.

3rd Aug
9am, 30mins
More of the above, if anything emptyness was even closer to the surface, and so relaxing. Its odd, iv'e been on the road and sleeping on sofas for over a week and my practice has been erratic, but it appears to have progressed somewhat all the same. It may have something to do with the fact that some of my personal "stuff" is being processed at the moment, its difficult to tell.

11am, 30mins
The same again. Mahamudra has an "always-on" quality to it at the moment. I was oddly distracted during the last 10 mins though.

7pm, 30mins
I had an unpleasant column of anxiety stretching up from my abdomen to the top of my head. When I could lock-on to this I could clearly see it as empty along with everything else. When I could not my mind lead me a merry dance. Maddening.

4th Aug
9am, 30mins
All rather fragmented, I stayed in first gear for most of the time.
5pm, 30mins
This on the other hand was like getting into a warm bath of Dzogchen, very nice. Funny though, I'm on holiday at the moment and I'm feeling very strong aversion to doing any more than an hour a day, even though I could do more. It's almost like the dharma centric bit of my brain is also sipping tequilla and has no interest; even though sitting is, on balance, rather nice.

5th Aug
8.30am, 30mins
Ah, Monkey mind, how delightful. My mind was all over the place,, some of the content was even empty,
6th Aug
9am, 30mins
This morning was a wakeup call, obviously, but also in the other sense. I was unable to do more than half an hour yesterday and I was really cranky when I finally arrived home. I went to bed cranky and got up cranky, just climbing the walls. Half an hour of sitting helped, but I still feel the tendrils of insight disease tugging at me. An hour a day appears to be the minimum for me, any less is wasting my time.

1pm, 30mins
I spent my time switching between the most sublime emptiness and most infuriating distraction.

5.30pm, 30mins
As above, but with less distraction. I definitely feel the benefit of doing more than an hour today, emptiness was always hanging around somewhere in my sensory awareness.

7th Aug
9am, 30mins
I did an hour and a half yesterday and I feel so much better today because of it. I had been doing an hour or so for a week before and this has only just been enough to fend off insight disease. I found this out yesterday. Today my mind is doing the same thing it was yesterday at this time, switching between Dzogchen and distraction but there is an underlying okayness about it, I feel more secure and stable. So I think long term an hour and a half has to be the minimum. I always try to aim for two hours because, for me, I see noticeable progress as well as feeling stable and secure. But an hour and a half is the minimum in quality of life terms.

1pm, 30mins
This one was a bit fragmented but sometimes I get a strong sense that I am only paddling in the shallows of the Mahamudra practice and that much deeper water awaits.

10pm, 30mins
Holidays are weird, they are a festival for self-related activities; (we did this, then we did that, look I've got a photograph to prove it.) But all selfing is inherently painful. This is front and centre in Buddhism, its not just small print. So it should not be a surprise that holidays are often chock-full of anxiety. The good news is that it can lead to strong practice, Iike I had tonight. Silver lining after all then.

8thAug
7.30am, 30mins
Not too bad, disturbed by the cat half way through which gave rise to feelings of, joy, gratitude and loving kindness.

In London
Amazing, I was able to keep dzogchen up, off and on, all day; even at the most busy, crowded times. I came back much less tired and relaxed than I would have normally have been.

10th Aug
9am, 30mins
I was very distracted it felt like a waste of time.

5pm, 30mins
Much, much better.

11th Aug
12midday, 30mins
Not too bad, just wading through the usual early morning comfusion, I was just doing it a bit later. I really missed sitting first thing though. I doesn,t matter how good or bad it is, I just sets me up for the day. Walking around after though, I am again struck by how easy emptiness is to access off the cushion at the moment, perhaps easier than on the cushion. Maybe because sensations are more subtle an harder to spot during formal sitting.

6pm, 30mins
More focused with an easy access to Mahamudra.

12th Aug
9am, 30mins
Pretty focused for an early morning sit. Emptiness was fairly easy to access; my mind did wander a bit, not too much. There is an aspect to emptiness that I struggle to describe, but Kenneth pointed it out to me yesterday. Often emptiness appears to roar, it is such a sea of potential, a constant roiling of intensity. Not always though.
1pm, 1 hour
I was fairly focused, but have been getting confused and getting lost in mental descriptions of emptiness just lately. So I spent about half an hour generating emptiness then describing it to an imaginary audience and then generating more emptiness to describe. I think it might help get it out of my system. I might even post it on youtube, that would be a laugh.

13th Aug
10am, 30mins
This morning was not at all bad, my mind was a real mess of distraction, and I very much needed to sit. The session was rather nice, emptiness was fairly accessible and my mind stayed on 'objects' with only a little drifting.

At my Mum's
So, I'm doing a lot of odd jobs for my elderly mother while I am home for the summer. Now, I love her to bits but after a couple of weeks of this, I am about ready to gouge my own eyes out with a rusty tea spoon. Pretty much everything she says irritates me now and on some level she knows this. She tries to make everything right but that just makes everything worse, of course. This all sounds like a fairly common, co-dependent, family dynamic, familiar to many I'm sure.

I've had not so much as a whiff of emptiness since I arrived, just after lunch and I'm beginning to see just how much I rely on the practice to stay on an even keel these days. Its late and I'm getting more and more fractious, I keep looking for emptiness and it's just not there. Eventually I get my chance to run for it; but just then, emptiness arrives like a freight train knocking everything aside with contemptuous ease. Suddenly my mother is somebody who I find irritating but no different to all the other people I find irritating. The irritation is just 'self,' that anxiety I feel in and around my chakras when I experience sensations that I regard as me. The volume is just an awful lot louder.

I decide to stay, the suffering comes and goes but as long as I can maintain a mindfulness of the sensations of self; emptiness is strong and unshaken, no matter how passive-aggressive my mother becomes. This goes on for ages, but eventually I leave, feeling a little lighter perhaps. A win for the home team I think.

14th Aug
11am, 30 mins
Mindfulness coming and going; emptiness coming and going. No big deal.

7pm, 30mins
I was out and about and feeling the need to sit very strongly. But why not just do it now, I was present enough with my mum yesterday why not now. So I did on and off for about 3 hours, I did this much more formally than I normally would off the cushion. Which set me up for my formal sit at seven, which was very focused.