Howard's Practice Notes

23rd June
11am, 30mins
My attention was unusually sharp and spacious this morning. I spent a while noting mind states; happy, attentive, bored, perplexed ect. Nice.

2pm, 1 hour
Lots of quiet, spacious, blissful sensations. I spent the hour exploring these and the physical sensations associated with seeing and hearing. My attention was sharp and focused again.

6.30pm, 75 mins
Satyananda yoga class, asana, pranayama and meditation

24th June
9am, 30mins
I started by noting mind states, but then got more traction by asking 'how am I feeling?' and answering. Then I started to get very anxious and realised that all I wanted to do was sit at the bottom of the out breath, which I did for the rest of the sit.

2pm, 1 hour
I was reasonably spacious and reasonably tranquil. I was distracted to a not unreasonable extent. A very reasonable hour of practice.

5pm, 1 hour
Started off the same as above, but soon I was experiencing strong sensations of anxiety, excitement and anticipation that persisted through out the session

11pm, 30 mins
I had lots of energy SFX flying around the inside of my body. These settled into a strong sense of emotional pressure pushing up from my upper chest through the crown of my head.

24th June
9am, 30mins
This started of as a normal early morning sit. At about half way I started to get waves of anxiety that when attended would dissolve into a rather pleasant body bliss. The trouble was I kept drifting off in the body bliss and missed the next wave of anxiety and having to run to catch up.

2pm, 30mins
Loud house music again, I stuck it for half an hour and then went up to complain. It turns out I have a club DJ living upstairs from me, oh joy! Still I had lots of strong energetic responses to the music, AKA anger, anxiety, impatience ect. Still, was a strong practice for all that.

4pm, 1 hour
Lots of strong energy movements to notice. Something significant may be happening. Most of the uncomfortable sensations like impatience and anxiety are being transformed into energy movements now. Sitting has become easier as a result.

6pm, 45mins
Noticing emotions again. They all get fed into this one energy thing that sits on my belly chackra and extends up to the crown of my head. There is no movement at the moment just this column of potential. It feels very stable and is a marvellous aid to mindfulness. My mind wants to notice it, except when it doesn't of course.

10pm, 30mins
More of the above, it feels a bit like when I was in review last December, but with more control.

25th June
9.45am, 30mins
I was very distracted to start with and I could not see why, eventually I tracked the problem down to some subtle anxiety that I was not noticing. As soon as I attended to this strong a hot, throbby, tingly sensations emanated in waves from my lower abdomen and radiated out to my whole body. This continued until the end.

12 midday, 1 hour
As above but with less SFX.

11pm, 30mins
More of that matter-of-fact silence

27th June
7am, 30mins
I was fairly tense but also very focused, so not so bad.

5.30pm, 90mins
A fairly thorny personal issue came up that I got to have a particularly good look at. Encouraging.

28th June
9.30am, 30mins
Not bad for this time in the morning but nothing special either.

12.30, 1 hour
I was very distracted this time, it was all uphill. Bah humbug!

9.30pm, 30mins
Having been heavily distracted all afternoon and evening, I decided that enough was enough and did this session using out loud noting every 1-2 seconds. It ain't pretty but it sure does work.

29th June
9am, 30mins
The usual randomness, but a mindful randomness.

12.15pm, 1 hour
I had periods of chaos with periods of peace and clarity. At one point I had a kind of existential despair at the apparently infinite number of sensations that can be noticed and the clear limitations that my sense of self places on my ability to notice them all. So I just noticed those limitations and the thing passed. I was also noticing how my attitude to practice changes and how it does so very rapidly. Probably just the nyanas cycling.

3pm, 30mins
The usual.

30th June
10am, 30 mins
I had a vile migraine this morning and this half hour was very unpleasant.

4.15pm, Chat with Kenneth
We talked about analysing pain in practice and I was led through a process of pinning it down. Kenneth then used this as a new way into Mahamudra. If you can find the sensation that is stopping you from being free in this moment you can then look for sensations of purity and cleanliness around it. This appears to lead directly to Mahamudra with no preamble. I like this very much and, as I was having no luck with 'the ships in the harbour' approach, it was very welcome. We also spoke about my lack of motivation at the moment, I think this new way into Mahamudra will help. After all, why am I doing this? To be free now, duh!

6.30pm, An hour of yoga

1st July
10am, 30 mins
Not too bad, it was rather chaotic but I was fairly focused and comfortable. I was cultivating Mahamudra consistently throughout using the technique that Kenneth showed me yesterday. Its like having a cool summer breeze blowing through my mind and body.

Off the cushion
I've been letting my off the cushion drift of late. Its not that I've not been doing it, its more that it has ceased to be any fun. The Mahamudra thing has revitalised this today.

4pm, 1 hour
This was very nice. I was asking the question 'Am I free in this moment?' 'If not, what is stopping me?' Finding the sensation that is stopping me and looking for the purity around it or inherent within it, then dropping into Mahamudra. Often it would not 'work' immediately but spontaneously arise a few seconds later. I was surprised by the number of times I would ask the question 'Am I free in this moment?' and the answer would come back 'Actually yes.'

8pm, 30mins
This was a very joyful practice. This new way in to Mahamudra is great; all sensations that make you feel less free are just excuses to cultivate it. I'm assuming, of course, that at some point my understanding and practice of this will become corrupted, but for now it's great.

Howard, I've read a couple of your posts before but just discovered your journal overall. It's really great reporting, lots of insights and interesting questions. I find it quite inspiring. Thanks for contributing so much.

Thanks very much, I'm glad you find it useful. I feel privileged to have somewhere to say all this. Thank goodness for the internet.

2nd July
9am, 30mins
I a whole range of unpleasant sensations this morning; specifically, muscular pain, indigestion and a mild headache. I was unsure if I would be able to generate an awareness of Mahamudra in the face of all this. To my surprise I was able to notice a light pure sensation permeating everything for the whole half hour. Amazing, it actually works!

10.50am, 30mins
Sensations were generally pleasant this time and again I was skeptical that it I did actually cultivate Mahamudra, would I even notice in amongst the general niceness. It my surprise I was able to cultivate it fairly easily and consistently throughout the session. People usually pay good money to get these sensations out of bottles ect. Amazing. I am also becoming aware that I am familiar with this. After SE this kind of thing arose spontaneously for a couple of weeks but then went away. I am also interested to see its effect on sensations; does it make you free to with them? Or does it change them in some way? I have seen a bit of both.

6.10pm, 30mins
I had strong full body throbbing for the whole half hour, with lots of stomach pain. I cultivated Mahamudra thorough out by looking for sensations of purity and cleanliness. When they did arise, which might be for a few seconds every minute or so, they often had a significant impact up on the throbbing and stomach pain.

8pm, 30mins
Lots of unpleasant sensations, particularly a rather unpleasant bout of indigestion. Mahamudra was pretty much absent so I went back to basics. I identified the sensations that I felt were stopping me from being free in this moment and noticed them for a while and then hunted around for sensations of cleanliness and purity. I got a few flashes but not much really. However, ten minutes from the end I noticed that all the grotty stuff was no longer bothering me. I was quite happy to sit with some quite unpleasant cramps. Entirely free in fact, does this count?

Re: post # 61

Fantastic practice, Howard! Very inspirational. We do this practice in order to be free for the benefit of ourselves and all sentient beings. It's wonderful to see once again that it works!

May all beings by happy,

Kenneth

3rd July
7.15am, 30min
I was very distracted this morning. But in the gaps, Mahamudra was very available and very easy to cultivate. Normally for me it is about now that the awareness of Mahamudra starts to fade, as I get bogged down in visualization and uncertainly. But this new method I find very simple and direct. I always seem to know 'where' it is in my consciousness even though 'where' doesn't have much meaning in this context.

8.55am, 30min
Distracted again, usually when I get distracted I go straight to out-loud noting, but I'm having trouble integrating this with cultivating Mahamudra. The result is that I kind of 'snatch' at it between verbal notes. Sometimes it works sometimes not, and it does rather interfere with the spontaneity of the thing. But I am finding a way through.

I'm noticing more how Mahamudra actually changes sensations. One way I've found to cultivate it is to notice the 'heaviness' of sensations especially physical ones. Mahamudra is 'lighter' by contrast. But when it kicks in it feel like the heavy physical sensations are up-ended or given a dose of anti-gravity maybe. Like the carpet being pulled. Fascinating.

10.30am, 20 min Catholic Mass?!?!
So, in my job I work with intellectually disabled people; twice a month I have to take those that want to go, to mass. I have been doing this for years and my attitude toward this ritual moves from mild curiosity, to mild boredom to mild indulgence. Finally when the priest, whom I other wise like very much, starts reciting the usual list of unsubstantiated metaphysical assertions I go to mild irritation.

(cont)
I've never really tried to practice formally there. I stand up and sit down when everybody else does and generally smile sweetly. Today I decided to silently note Mahasi style for as long as I could. I was not prepared for how intimidating sitting quietly and unobtrusively for 20 mins could be. The Irish are fairly relaxed and open handed about their faith and I felt no disapproval from anyone (I was being very, very still.) However the feeling of being an outsider was almost unbearable. I was pretty focused though, so it wasn't all bad.

8.30pm, 30 mins
It all went a bit sci-fi tonight. When I work Sundays, it's a long shift and I come home with all the usual prickly, nasty anxiety sensations that one expects after a day at work. So I found it very difficult to get settled. Soon I was noticing a rather large lump of tingly prickly anxiety at the base of my pelvis. I looked for the purity and I felt like I had taken a step to the left, out of the shade and in to the sun, except the light was white and not yellow. All the unpleasantness was suddenly muted like a door had been closed on it and the anxiety had become just interesting, no more no less. My mood also changed, before I was just hanging on; after I was kind of radically okay.

When ever I started to feel un-free I looked for the constriction and 'did the thing.' I wasn't even bothering looking for the purity any more. It felt a bit like a ju-jitsu move like of breaking an arm-lock or something. Even odder, when I did 'the thing' all or part of the sensation would evaporate, and this would some how power the transition to Mahamudra. Weird right? Or is it?

4th July
7.15am, 30mins
After yesterday, this morning was always going to be an anticlimax. All was normal for this time of the morning. I managed to get a few whiffs of free fall but nothing as solid as yesterday. Knowing that it's out there, just a whisper away certainly sharpens up ones attention though.

8.30am, 30mins
I keep making the mistake of trying to cultivate Mahamudra when I'm already comfortable with the sensations that I am experiencing. Nothing happens of course, or maybe I just get a faint glimmer. But yesterday I was cultivating strong Mahamudra on the back of very strong positive sensations. Maybe (gasp!) positive sensations can be just as inhibiting as negative ones or maybe (another gasp!) freedom has nothing to do with sensations. I find this a bit scary, but oddly compelling. To be continued.

2pm, 30mins
This was shoe horned into my lunch break. Some Mahamudra, a fair amount of distraction, nothing much to report.

10.30pm, 30mins
This was lovely, Mahamudra arose spontaneously and easily immediately upon sitting down and was easily available throughout. The transition was often accompanied by a simultaneous contraction and expansion in or around the belly chakra. I'm not used to this state so I'm drifting off a lot. One thing that keeps me focused is examining each sensation for any sign of suffering. I am finding my own aversion very interesting when in Mahamudra. I feel a bit like a little boy, pushing buttons, just to see what happens.

5th July
9am, 30 mins
I was very distracted this morning. Not much happened except lots of imaginary conversations. I don't know why I bother sometimes.

11.45am, 1 hour
I've not done an hour for a few days so this was a bit of a stretch. Mahamudra is becoming more normal and I'm integrating it more into my practice. It is starting to arise when its need and retreating a bit when not. It's a shock when I look for it and it isn't there like when I do some walking, which I don't do much of at the moment, or have to cultivate it in some other less familiar setting. Its working fine with out loud noting, which I tend to use at the moment, because I drift off so much.

9pm, 30mins
More distraction, my mind has been pretty chaotic today and hardly a hint of mindfulness this evening let alone Mahamudra.

6th July
9am, 30mins
I was fairly focused and Mahamudra was easy to access throughout, soft and gentle this time. I used 'ships in the harbour' this time as 'cleanliness and purity' as not working.

12.25, 1 hour
Mahamudra was fairly integrated this time. I just note as normal and cultivate it when I remember to do so and then note the sensations that arise. When they go I just carry on noting. One problem is that this has a cumulative effect so after half an hour or so I feel very secure and at peace, this it lovely but means that I tend to zone out a lot. Complaining, right, that's pretty dumb.

The sensations of Mahamudra vary in intensity and character, sometimes subtle sometimes almost overpowering, cool or warm, spacious or not. But they do feel complete and pervasive.

10pm, 30mins
Not too bad, I didn't push it too hard. Mahamudra present but I didn't dip into it too much.

7th July
7.15am, 30mins
So, I cultivated Mahamudra consistently for the about half the time. It turns out its not quite the magic bullet I thought it was but it seems churlish to complain. I have many questions.

2.30pm, 25 mins
This was snatched between other things, more of the same really.

4.15pm
I had a very interesting chat with Kenneth re. Mahamudra, Rigpa, Dzogchen ect. It turns out that these practices are much more useful and profound than I realised. No surprise there. Also, I am familiar with a lot of this, but I've never stitched it all together before. The suffering inherent in 'selfing' was very clear last night. Very familiar sensations were seen anew, and I'm much clearer about the how, why and what to do with them.

8th July
8.45am, 30mins
You guessed it, Mahamudra. Now I know what to look for I can include all kinds of stuff that I didn't have a home for in this practice, lovely.

12.30pm, 1hour
More of the same. I do tend to drift off a bit still. I think my practice is changing so fast that my strategies for staying present can't keep up with the new data. I think that this is a good thing and would rather have it this way than the opposite. I'm noticing that the anxiety that I feel in my practice is just the self doing its thing. When the self in abeyance the anxiety is muted or goes all together. Nice. The trouble is I can't plead ignorance anymore, which usually means action is required.

10pm, 30mins
I'm really tired from work so my session was fragmented but even so I was able to cultivate Mahamudra with surprising reliability, if anything more strongly than earlier.

Howard can you describe how you experience the cultivation and state of mahamudra?
Thanks.

I have heard Kenneth's Ships in the Harbor talk but didn't understand Mahamudra practice. Can anyone point me toward an explanation?

Many thanks.

jack

I was interested more in the way Howard was doing it and what it felt like to be in that state - curiosity, and because I have a couple of other things I can compare it to.

Here is what Kenneth put in a different thread: (Sorry Howard to clog your thread here)

"Here are the quicky instructions, cut and pasted from the other thread:

I've been teaching my students what I call Mahamudra noting. The technique involves listening for the ships in a distant harbor, understanding that you will not hear them. You note "listening" in order to remind yourself to return to the primary object (which is the activity of listening for something that can't be heard) and also as an acknowledgment that you are listening in any given moment. You also note the mind states and other phenomena that arise while you are listening. It tends to bring up mind states of openness, receptivity, joy, bliss, well-being, metta, compassion, mudita, equanimity, and other pleasant mind states. Highly recommended, and it works especially well when noting with a partner.

To understand the ships in the harbor technique, listen to the dharma talks here:

kennethfolkdharma.com/2011/04/nyc-talk-m...ships-in-the-harbor/

And here:

kennethfolkdharma.com/2011/04/nyc-talk-choice-19-april-2011/ "

Right, okay, I'll do me best. The experience is changing as I practice though. But the most important thing at the moment appears to be trust that it won't suddenly go away. That and a kind of relaxation of my attention. Kenneth describes it as looseness and that describes it exactly. It is one of three characteristics of Mahamudra along with brightness (which I don't get much of) and lucidity which forms to bulk of my experience.

Looseness
If you are doing noting you always turn toward what ails thee, right? Look it in the eye, as it were. This makes sense because pain and discomfort are always, perversely, easiest to notice. But you can use that concentration on the central object hold it there and then root around behind it to find a sensation that is pure and/or clean. There always seems to be a couple, this is where the trust thing is important. When you find one a kind of relaxation happens, initially it appears localized like its happening somewhere at the edge but soon it suffuses everything. The relaxing/opening happens automatically, initially I tried to force or manufacture it but it just don't work. Its a bit like a cat, go towards it and it will run, you just have to wait for it to come to you, a peripheral vision thing.

Lucidity
How to describe this. Its a bit like the divine abodes but not localized on the body or chackras. It has a very simple quality and can be like a cool breeze or a comforting warmth. Its "big," sometimes "normal" sensations are almost swamped by it. It's blissful but some how cleaner, there is no drag or aftertaste. If it does get polluted, which can happen if you cultivate it for a while, then the pollution becomes the primary object and you just root around behind it to get back to the trigger sensation. Another important factor perhaps the most important is that suffering is instantly reduced or even negated. Unpleasant sensations are still pre