Howard's Practice Notes

(cont) present but they just don't hurt anymore. It was a real shock when it first happened.

Brightness
I have experienced this but not much. My experience as that my vision became very precise and I could see a great deal more detail. I've not had this enough to properly comment.

This is changing all the time though. Now I don't have to look so much for purity or cleanliness, just the act of looking is enough. It was at this point that I understood the ships in the harbor analogy better.

Don't worry about clogging up my thread, the more the merrier.

wow thats quite interesting. Thanks. It never occured to me to look around the tension, and sure enough there is something there waiting to relax it in some interesting way...

Sounds promising, but don't force it and be prepared for a variety of possible sensations to begin with. My first couple of attempts bogged down because I got confused and started to doubt, this may be unavoidable but you might have more luck than me. Good luck!

9th July
9am, 30mins
I had chronic fatigue syndrome up until 18 months ago. One of the symptoms was that you feel like you have a hangover all the time. I still get this in the mornings sometimes, especially if I've had a busy day the day before. Today was one of those mornings and I still feel rough around the edges now, an hour or so later. Practice was fragmented but when I was able to get concentrated I was able to cultivate Mahamudra and suffering just stopped. I would loose the thread and the suffering would come back only to go again when I got back on form again. Notice I say suffering and not pain, this is deliberate.

1pm, 1hour
This is extraordinary stuff. I still had the headache from this morning; it had got a touch worse if anything. But I decided against pain killers just to see what Mahamudra could do in the face of the full force of physical pain. It took a while to get settled; I had to firmly notice the headache for some time before I could 'loosen' my attention. Pretty soon 'lucidity' arose and I noticed that now, looseness and lucidity work in support of each other to maintain Mahamudra. Looseness is easier to access when one it lucid; and lucidity is reinforced by the continual cultivation of looseness. I stayed with this, on and off, for about 40 mins. The effect upon my headache was almost instantaneous. Not only did I stop suffering from it, but any thought of banishment went too. My attitude was more like 'this is a perfect headache, why would I want to swap it for something else?' Narrative thought processes were the main cause of dropping out. It happens quite fast too. I few seconds of thinking and I would start to feel tense. I took a toilet break at the 50 mins mark and this shattered the spell, I was unable to re-establish Mahmudra for more than a few seconds and also I was starting to obsess about lovely codeine pain killers.

(cont)
I once heard an analogy about Theravadan and Tibetan practice styles. In Theravada you climb the mountain one step at a time and turn around to admire the view every so often. In Tibetan practice you stay at the bottom of the mountain and build your self a helicopter that you then use to fly directly to the summit. Maybe Mahamudra is that helicopter. Stopping suffering is why we do this, but actually seeing it in real time and then being able to turn it on and off, blows my mind.

11.45pm, 30 mins
I spent the first 15 mins enjoying the inherent perfection of sensations and the second 15 trying to do the same thing without falling asleep. Basically, I left it too late to practice.

10th July
9am, 30mins
I spent the first 10mins trying to cultivate Mahamudra with no luck. I was only then that I noticed that even though this morning's sensations were, as usual, mostly unpleasant, I was only suffering a little bit. So I stopped cultivating Mahamudra and spent the rest to session noticing the sensations that should be hurting but were not. Slowly over the rest of the session the feeling of not suffering grew. Any doubts I had were banished when I got up and all the early morning grumpiness came back with a whosh.

3pm, 1 hour
I had lots of trapped wind, indigestion and the associated sensations of hot prickly sweating. So far, so standard irritable bowel syndrome symptoms. But it was particularly bad today. Normally, I would find this very hard to stay with, but with the support of new and improved Mahamudra, with 10% extra added sparkly bits, my practice was a breeze. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to drink reassuringly expensive cocktails with bikini models. Exit stage left towards the sound of feminine laughter.

8.15pm, 30mins
More of the same, except this time with Absinthe and belly dancers.

11th July
7am, 30mins
My practice was a bit ragged today, unable to stay on objects ect.


8pm, 1 hour
I could not sit till very late today, so I had insight disease real bad. I experience as an intense anxiety in the chest and stomach area. I have a suspicion that these are the self same sensations that arise from the activities of the subsystems of the self i.e. narrative thought, emotion and the proprioception. They certainly feel the same.

So I had a lot of material to work with when I did sit down. Mahamudra arose pretty much immediately and spontaneously and stayed for about 45 mins. I dropped out a few times but got back in very easily. The last fifteen were messy and confused, I'm not sure why, after all, what's not to like? Confused rather than averse.

The sensations were a kind of clean warmth. But the main thing was the perfection and completeness of all noticed sensations. Nothing more to say really.

11pm, 30mins
More of the above. It's becoming increasingly difficult to tell the difference between pleasant, un-pleasant and neutral sensations when I am sitting. After all I have nothing the measure them against at the moment. I find myself coming out of Mahamudra just to see. Weird.

12 July
10am, 30mins
Mindfulness came and went as did Mahamudra, ho hum.

1pm, 1 hour
More of the same. Being free is so nice, it's a wonder that the mind doesn't just go there automatically. I find it very strange that I have to cultivate this at all. But the mind will insist upon generating the processes of self and producing the inevitable suffering that is its product. Its a bit like living with a particularly stupid adolescent.

10pm, 30mins
The events of the day leave me feeling euphorically happy. On close inspection these sensations are just as limiting as any other sensations. I kind of knew this, but it's always good to be reminded of this fact. Mahamudra works just the same too.

13th July
7.20am, 40mins
Mahamudra was no where to be seen to begin with. Eventually I ended up there by brute force. Not pretty but as soon as I noticed 'brute force' as just another inclination of mind, like 'fear' or euphoria, the thing kicked in.

3pm, 40mins
Mindfulness and Mahamudra was good, but only when I was not falling asleep, which was all the time.

Did you fix the forum Howard!?

Seriously, I need to understand and learn this stuff you do now.
I seems great.

Not guilty on fixing the forum, too kind! I think I need to understand the stuff I'm doing now too. At the moment It's going through a partial "doing itself" stage. One thing I have noticed is that I've accessed some of this before, especially the initial looseness thing. That release and okayness is familiar to me from a few years ago. It feel like its hidden in plain sight sometimes.

14th July
10am, 30mins
I felt really awful this morning with strong sensations of disgust. Mhamudra was fragmentary so I just had to put up with it.

1pm, 1 hour
More of the above, but I can't complain, my body always reacts badly to crap food, but I do it anyway. It's that stupid adolescent that I share my head with again. At the 40 minute mark I decided enough was enough and went back to out-loud noting, which I haven't done for a couple of weeks. The suffering got much worse but the looseness and lucidity got much easier to access, however I was also much more focused; so an overall win I suppose.

11pm, 30mins
Mindfulness and Mahamudra came and went. Sometimes I was cultivating both directly sometimes out loud noting as well. During the last ten minutes a very strong stable experience of Mahamudra arose.

15th July
9am, 40mins
Mahamudra was available from the moment I woke up, which was weird. Anyway, it was pretty solid for about 80% of the time. I used a new technique of 'sampling' any sensations that pulled me out, to see if they have any intrinsic substance. You use the image of a 'pac man' (wacca, wacca, wacca) nibbling at the sensation. Sounds weird but it works.

6pm, 1 hour
Mahamudra was a fairly stable presence throughout this session. I had a tendency to drift and fall asleep but managed this with out loud noting every 5-6 seconds, any faster seemed to upset the mojo. After a while my sensory environment took on a warm golden glow. Words like, fecund, potential and alive spring to mind but don't really capture it.

11pm, 30mins
More of the same, very nice.

Sounds like a rocket to the moon!!
I've still gotta figure out this mahamudra thing, but sounds like it's working for you!

Yeah I know, I'm still pinching myself. I think the difference as been the consistency of my practice. I've not missed a day for about 5 months and always done an hour and a half or more. Before I bumped into Kenneth I never realized the importance of momentum.

16th July
9.30am, 30mins
The same as yesterday, but stronger if anything.

12 midday, 1hour
Okay, the thing appears to be stabilising now. The last couple of days have seen an increasingly solid experience of Mahamudra, my focus now is not so much getting into it, but trying to stop falling out. 'Pacman' is good for this as it targets individual sensations that are spoiling the party.

If you imagine Mahamudra as the experience of having your consciousness stretched so that all the kinks and knots fall out, then you can maintain it by keeping a constant tension on the edges. This is how I think the 'ships in the harbor' works, a gentle pulling at the edges of ones sensory field. However when a sensation arises that one has aversion to or craving for, then the sensory field contacts around it and suffering arises, it's almost as if it can only exist in the ceases. I can see it very clearly at the moment. But when Mahamudra is stable it is possible to see the larger spacious awareness and the contraction simultaneously. You can, either pull at the edges again and then watch the creases fall out, or sample the contraction directly. It will always be empty, but fear stops me seeing that, by looking directly, the truth is clear and the thing dissolves.

6.30pm, 30mins
I had this lump of indigestion that sat in the middle of my Mahamudra awareness and insisted on being painful for the whole half hour. It's good to know your limits.

17th July
8am, 30mins
Mahamudra was a constant but very weak, so there was a constant to and fro between sensations of anxiety and spacious, golden peace.

8.30pm, 30mins
I had snatches of Mahamudra all day at work but when I finally sat down I was unable to stabilise it until the last 10 mins.

11.30pm, 30mins
Mahamudra was much more stable and intense with the sense of golden glow much stronger. It was a bit late to practice and I was falling asleep a lot as a result.

18th July
6.15am, 30mins
I spent most of the time in first gear, with a little while in witness.

1.30pm, 30mins
It was all very messy and unclear, I kept falling asleep, again.

11.30pm, 15mins
Just too tired

19th July
9am, 30mins
The last couple of days have been a bit messy, so it was nice to get back in the groove again. This morning was well focused, I spent most of the time in 1st gear but comfortably so. Mahamudra came and went with no particular effort. I found that trying to sustain it did not work, it just faded anyway, so I decided to let it be.

11.45am, 30mins
This time Mahamudra was pretty much the background to my practice. This is happening more and more, to the extent that I wonder if I'm actually in it enough, or at all. Am I suffering? How much is too much? Is it coming and going, would it be doing that anyway? I think this is an inevitable process of clarification and is probably fine.

3pm, 30mins
More off the same but a bit more distracted.

11.45pm, 30mins
I had strong sensations of excitement and anticipation which were fairly easy to stay with as I was in fairly strong Mahamudra.

20th July
9.30am, 30mins
I had strong sensations of anxiety, anticipation and excitement this morning. Normally I would have had great difficulty staying with these sensations; however Mahamudra was fairly strong, so I was able to relax and enjoy the ride I suppose. It is interesting that whenever my mind wandered, I would find myself, fidgeting and/or scratching myself almost immediately, most unseemly.

12.30pm, 1 hour
This was a very stable session. I deliberately avoided cultivating Mahamudra and stayed in first gear for about 10 mins because of a trend I have noticed. If I become focused enough in first gear, I start to notice the inherent suffering in sensations. When this happens my mind cultivates Mahamudra automatically, as a kind if defensive mechanism. After all, you would, wouldn't you? This worked a treat for the first 45 mins, and then the sensations of anxiety, anticipation and excitement became very strong with lots of suffering attached, so I just had to hang on for the last 15. Interesting though, the stronger the suffering the stronger the Mahamudra.

21st July
11am, 30mins
I had very strong sensations of all kinds this morning. This provided a marvellous platform for cultivating mahamudra which was also strong as a result. When I fell out, however, the intensity of the sensations made it hard to get back. But I did pretty well overall

2pm, 1 hour
It looks like I'm now able to practice first gear noting from within Mahamudra. The problem has been that Mahamudra is so nice that the mind tends to drift off. But the sensations of Mahamudra (are there any?) are too subtle for me to use as object yet. So I've been using 1st gear to get concentrated and then the mind 'jumps' to 3rd gear automatically or with a little nudge. Now Mahamudra is becoming the background to my whole practice. The sensations of Mahamudra, once cultivated, can hang around for quite a while allowing me to keep my concentration, using standard out loud noting. The experience is rather like strumming a guitar the sound can 'sustain' for quite a while, allowing you to do other things.

11pm, 30mins
One of the things I love about Mahamudra is that any pain or discomfort can be transformed from 'ow!' in to 'interesting.' If you get a lot of indigestion, like me, this can be a real god send. Today Kenneth advised me to 'allow' pain and let it unfold, rather than analysing it for any inherent substance. Works a treat too. Nice. Even this gets old after a while though. Every time a fall out of Mahamudra the pain is often worse, because I am sitting in same position and indigestion likes activity. Can't have it all I suppose.

22nd July
8.30am, 30mins
I had that thing where I only want to breathe out again. It is all very strange and difficult to see around it. I had to stay in first gear, bummer.

11am, 40mins
Mahamudra was much more stable this time but 'muddy.' I believe the correct expression is 'tainted,' apparently this will clean-up with continued cultivation. Nice to know.

11pm, 40mins
I am feeling really very awful tonight. Some of is anxiety related to my 'stuff,' some is insight disease (why do I put off sitting?) some is garden variety, physical icky ness. So when I eventually sat down I had to, metaphorically, hold my nose and jump in. It was very awful, as expected; the sensations were all over and nasty. But at some point I started to reach beyond them and then they just went transparent for a few seconds and I was in Mahamudra. I fell out after a while and got the full force of the icky ness but then found my way back. Rinse and repeat, some ride. Interesting to see Mahamudra in such a tainted state.

23rd July
10am, 25mins
Lots of lovely anxiety today, I have stuff to do and I've been avoiding it, this visceral physical anxiety is the result. Better go do it I suppose.

2pm, 40mins
Did the stuff and I feel so much better, blissful and at peace. Mahamudra? Maybe; it seams churlish to ask.

8pm, 30mins
More of the same but less pleasant and more distracted.

24thJuly
10am, 30mins
I always feel a bit grotty and distracted first thing in the morning. On a good day like today, I can cut through the distraction and see the suffering that sits behind it all. First thing in the morning is a good time for this because any angst that I do have is kind of undefined and primal. So if can actually get to see it, it is very interesting. Today is one of those days. The suffering presents as a standing wave (for any physicists out there) of vibrating, prickly icky ness that pervades the whole body, not exactly painful but definitely not nice. Eventually Mahamudra arrives like the cavalry to save me, but not today, bah! Still to look closely at this stuff is always less bad than letting lead you round in paranoid circles. Any non-meditater reading this will think that I am a complete nutter.

4.15 pm, 40mins
That standing wave thing was back again and this time with breathtaking clarity. I think it is some kind of reobservation and given my personal circumstances, it is unusually clear and sharp for reob, just the 'aaaaaagggh,' none of the confusion. Luckily Mahamudra works a treat on it.

11.30pm, 30mins
I almost didn't sit, but I'm glad I did. Mahamudra arose immediately, fully formed with no effort on my part. A beautiful, pure, one note experience, I'm very pleased.

25th July
4pm, 30mins
I'm off on holiday the day after tomorrow, the house is in chaos. I only had time for a half hour, but boy did it help.