j0shj0sh logs

Hey all. I spoke to mumuwu on another forum and he convinced me to start a log here on KFD. Looking forward to taking my practice more seriously and learning from all of you.

I've been sitting consistently for about 9 months, but my focus is weak and I often drift between different methods without applying myself fully to any of them. I'm also an expert at wasting my time with intellectual masturbation. All of this needs to change.

After speaking with mumuwu I decided to split my sits into two parts: 10 or 15 minutes devoted to cultivating concentration (either with a kasina, or just counting/mindfulness of breathing), followed by 10 or 15 minutes of noting.

Since I am new to noting I am starting off with a focus on body sensations associated with the breath. I hope to expand the scope to include the 4 foundations of mindfulness as I get better at noting.

Just finished a 20 minute sit:

Started with 10 minutes of mindfulness of breathing to develop some concentration. Counted breaths. Was fidgeting at first and restless. Finally able to follow the breaths with some consistency towards the end of the 10 minutes.

After 10, transition to noting bodily sensations. Mostly noted "in" and "out" associated with breathing, but also noted "touching", "tingling" (had to pee), "pressure", "rising", "falling", "sensation". Sometimes I went beyond body sensations and noted things like "stopping" or "confusion" when I couldn't find a sensation to note, or "thinking" when I started thinking about writing this report. I was able to get into a bit of a groove and note roughly 1-3 sensations per second.

Noting has been slow and awkward for me in the past, but now that I have committed to it I find it coming easier, slowly but surely.

Thanks for reading.

Great stuff Josh, welcome!

You might want to give this a read: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Access+Concentration . It seems relevant to something you describe here.

Hello, and welcome to Kfd. Sounds like you have your techniques in order, and have a very good start on noting. I would suggest slowly upping the time as you grow used to noting. Also, some ping-pong noting practice with a partner can be a big help developing your ability to note all four foundations. It's also a big help when you really can't find the energy to meditate on your own.

Mudita
Villum

Just adding a quick note based on my noting during the day yesterday:

One thing I noticed with noting, when I was able to get some momentum going...I was totally present, but it was just sensate fragments. So it was a little uncomfortable, since I'm so used to living in the world where I weave all that **** together to get a big picture I can extract meaning from. Noting busts that all to pieces, and it feels a little unnatural now.

Sounds like you're already getting the right idea! I remember the point when I suddenly realized I preferred noting to the narrative threads that were constantly embedded in my head; the noting is such a relief, once you get past the discomfort. Welcome aboard.

15 minutes, tea candleflame kasina. The time went very quickly. As my vision relaxed two flames were apparent. I kept my attention at the space between them. Occasionally the center part of the "venn diagram" where the circles overlapped became very distinct and clear, like it was its own separate entity.

Some notes from yesterday: I did a lot of noting throughout the day and was able to build some really good momentum. Sometimes I noted without even planning to or trying to. I started to feel a sense of well-being and confidence that I attributed to the noting, and noted these things as well. Towards the end of the night it seemed like the strength of my mindfulness was waning, and I wasn't noting as frequently or as naturally any more.

30 minute sit. Started with 15 minutes mindfulness of breathing. Counted "onnnee" on the in-breath (stretching the mental number for its duration) and "onnnee" on the out breath. Stretching the "note" helps me stay with the breath and leaves less gaps for concentration to wander. When I was able to stay with the breath for a few cycles of ten I counted only the out-breath. Concentration was pretty stable by the time the bell signaled to start noting.

The transition to noting was a little clumsy, because my attention wanted to continue following the stable breath cycle. I mostly noted "breathing in" or "breathing out', or just "in" and "out" as awareness stayed naturally with the breath. Occasionally noted other sensations like "touching", "swallowing", 'pressure", "looking" when my eyes focused on the back of my lids, "thinking", "waiting".

Sometimes there was a very clear sensation and I would note it for for or five "pulses" in a row. I could distinctly feel the sensation, which subsided as I noted it, but then it would pulse back up again. I couldn't tell if I was consciously keeping my attention in the area of the strong sensation and waiting for more pulses, or if the sensation itself was strong enough to command attention for multiple pulses. Hope that makes some sense.

Sometimes I would note something and then realize I hadn't actually felt a pulse. I noted it because I had expected to feel something, or was just going on autopilot for a second. In these instances I just noted "noting" after the fact.

Its pretty impressive how effective off-the-cushion practice can be - I used to write notes to myself and leave them on the dresser, something like "its about the other 23 hours" or something like that. Welcome to KFD!

Another 15 anapanasati/15 noting. Still primarily noting body sensations, but I plan to open it up to feeling tone starting Monday.

Question about noting while ON the cushion: Should I pin my attention to the breath and return it there whenever it strays to note something else? Or should I just let it wander/note, and only return to the breath when there's a strong sensation there?

Noting yesterday went really well off the cushion. I am definitely building up some speed and accuracy. It's starting to feel like less of a hassle. Noting is exactly the type of method I needed to keep myself focused moment-to-moment during the day. These last 3 days have been some of the most mindful and aware days I've had in a long time.

The traditional Mahasi instructions are to use the rising and falling of the abdomen as an anchor (noting 'rising' and 'falling') and to note other things that take away your attention as they arise.

Kenneth's variation is a "pure noting" technique where you just note whatever is taking center stage at that moment, without an anchor.

Personally, I've experimented with both but the majority of my noting has been anchor-less per Kenneth's recommendation. I think his method is particularly effective at getting to the A&P.

Was away visiting family this weekend so haven't had the opportunity for formal sits, but I did do a bunch of noting off the cushion. Excited to be home and get back into the swing of things this week.

Last night was one of the weirdest nights of my life. Can someone tell me if what happened is important, in any way:

The first thing I remember was that I heard my girlfriend talking in her sleep. I tried to talk back to her, but I felt paralyzed and unable to do so. Looking around the room, I started to see all sorts of strange things. The one that I remember with the most clarity was some sort of complex alien clock, with swirling glowing colors interacting in complex orbits. I was awed by it and kept trying to tell my gf, but was unable to. I looked back at her and the wall behind her was a grid of beveled blocks that resembled a giant chocolate bar. The whole time I had a strange feeling of awe, paralysis, and inability to tell if I was awake or dreaming. The complexity and alien nature of the dream objects were absolutely wild.

When I woke up, the first thought what "what WAS that?" and my mind immediately responded "A&P". I couldn't accept it, and kept asking "Really, was that it?" I don't know why I reflexively assumed it had anything to do with the Progress of Insight, and although I do remain skeptical, it does seem in some strange way possible that it was A&P.

I was completely wide awake, and for 10-15 seconds I couldn't stop blinking. My body felt completely energized, and there was also a ton of fear present, since I had no ******* idea what had happened. I was weirded out by the dream and had never felt anything like it.

(continues...)

So I lay in bed recalling all of the details, and with each recall the clarity and intensity of the experience grows weaker and weaker, like all dreams do. Eventually I am stuck with little fragments of empty memories, and none of the emotion and vitality of the dream remains. I am really skeptical of the fact that this could be A&P at this point.

The next thing I know, I see my girlfriend is awake and I start telling her about how I had this crazy dream, and how alien and strange it was. In the middle of my explanation, her face fills with fear and she looks over my shoulder. At almost the same time I realize the entire room is collapsing to the right. First I think it's a major earthquake. Then I realize I'm just dreaming, again. I'm terrified so I jump awake, and the first thing I see (definitely not dreaming at this point), is a bright, glowing circle of green dots on my curtains. As soon as I see them they disappear.

I immediately felt and knew that both dreams were very important. Now that it is morning, both dreams just feel like dreams, and the intensity is definitely gone. But I am left wondering if that was really an A&P event, or just a really, really surreal and strange series of synchronous nightmares.

The fact that it happened in sleep/dreaming is very A&P-ish (as are your reporting of lights and the room collapsing).

Keep up the detailed reports, especially now. Make sure to detail how you are feeling off the cushion as you go about your day.

30 minutes. Anapanasati was a little difficult, and I had trouble maintaining concentration. Noting was fast, faster than I've been able to do it so far. Today I don't feel much different, despite last night's dreams. Will report back tonight.

30 minute sit. 20 minutes candleflame kasina. Pretty standard. Afterwards, tried for 20 minutes of noting but was very restless and could not concentrate. Tried to follow the breath instead, but concentration was still very weak. Lots of back pain and tension. Gave up after 10 minutes.

No motivation whatsoever yesterday. Felt down, annoyed, mildly depressed. Didn't sit and barely noted. Can't tell if this has anything to do with the Dark Night, or if I'm just affected by 3 days worth of torrential rain.

This morning I sat for 20 minutes mindfulness of breathing. Couldn't sustain concentration and kept getting pulled away by thoughts. Had a very "lets get this over with" attitude. Sort of disgusted at my inability to focus and apply some effort.

Not sure if any of this has to do with the progress of insight. The ambiguity of the nanas is surprising, I thought the stages would be much clearer than this.

"The Dark Night typically begins with just about all of the profound clarity, mindfulness, concentration, focus, equanimity and bliss of the previous stage dropping away. So also ends the cause-and-effect-like phenomena of the breath or walking shaking or jerking up and down in a way related to attention and noting, as well as all of the fine vibrations and vortex-like raptures. Early on, the frequency of vibrations disconnects from the cycle of the breath, remaining largely stable at whatever frequency is going on at that stage once they can be perceived again (in late Dissolution or Fear).

Whereas one might have felt that one's attention had finally attained the one-pointed focus that is so highly valued in most ideals of meditation during the Arising and Passing Away, during the Dark Night one will have to deal with the fact that one's attention is actually quite wide and its contents unstable. Further, the center of one's attention becomes the very least clear area of experience, and the periphery becomes predominant. This is normal and even expected by those who know this territory. However, most meditators are not expecting this at all and so get blindsided and wage a futile battle to make their attention do something that, in this part of the path, it simply won't do.

If one has ever been meditating in a place with lots of mosquitoes buzzing in one's ears in a way that made it very hard to concentrate on the primary object, one can get a sense of what one's attention will be like in the Dark Night. Rather than fighting against this and ignoring the metaphorical mosquitoes, one should try to understand what it feels like to have one's attention be however it is..."

"Those that fixate on staying one-pointed will suffer more than those who learn to stay with what is going on regardless of whether or not it feels like 'good meditation.' "

-Daniel Ingram

Check out Ron's article on the Dark Night. It is fabulous!

alohadharma.wordpress.com/2011/06/12/the-dark-night/

30 minutes mindfulness of breathing. Concentration grew strong and stable, and I felt a tingling sensation in the back on my head on the left side that wrapped around to my left cheek. Once that subsided I felt waves of heat passing across the front of my face in the cheek area. A general warmth stayed in my face for the remainder of the sit (about 10 min). Also had a strong pulsing knot of pain in the center of my back,

30 minutes mindfulness of breathing. Concentration was stable, then towards the end I let attention diffuse into all sorts of little sensations arising and passing away all over the body. Felt nice. Still noting during the day as much as I can remember to.

15 mindfulness of breathing followed by 15 noting. Noted body-feeling tone pairs. Started to note a lot of resistance to the sit coming up towards the end, and boredom.

Feeling lots of equanimity this weekend. Any time negative sensations came up I just let them wash over me and get diluted in a sea of other sensations. Then last night those feelings started to weaken and I felt the familiar impatient "**** this" feeling I had last week. Noted lots of tension and constriction in the throat.

Things have been steady and uneventful. I am continuing with my 15/15 split with noting during the day. Some days, or some times of the day, I just can't seem to focus my effort on noting. It's like awareness is naturally diffuse and doesn't want to be bothered. I can't tell if it's simply a matter of applying more effort, or if that's just the natural course of things. Yesterday I felt completely unmotivated during the day. Whenever I started noting it would last for a few seconds and then I would lose steam. I need to expand more to the other foundations of mindfulness. To this point I've been noting mostly physical sensations and occasionally feeling tone. What's the best instructional resource for learning to note the other 2 foundations?

Yesterday was marked by lack of awareness, and a general frustration that "I" couldn't remain present. This morning I had fairly strong edgy and buzzy feelings, especially concentrated in my hands. As the day went on these solidified into an unpleasant headache and slight nausea. After work I took a walk with the dog and was able to note quickly and consistently. I even automatically noted "tripping" in mid-fall after I tripped over a branch and busted my ass, which was actually pretty funny. After work things began to feel more pleasant, with none of the unpleasant body sensations from early in the day. Just equanimous in general. Finding it easy to keep coming back to the present and surrender to the sea of sensations. Smoked a bit of weed awhile ago and this really boosted the positive and pleasant feelings. Coming back to baseline now and just feel rested and normal.

Spoke with mumuwu earlier in the day about the rest of the foundations of mindfuless. I'm finding them both pretty difficult. Mind states are usually too subtle to really categorize, and thoughts end up forming huge strings before I finally realize, which means I only note the last one. I'm sure this will get easier with practice. Bodily sensations certainly have become easier to note since I started.

15/15. Concentration was pretty stable and easy. Towards the end of the sit a tremendous amount of solid persistent back pain arose. As I stayed with a general discomfort arose throughout the entire body, and I felt like my skin was crawling. Noted a very clear mind state of aversion to sitting and pain but kept going. The pain and discomfort subsided for a few minutes, but then came back.