j0shj0sh logs

Still going! The last few days have been marked by felt increases in clarity and equanimity. I'm not necessarily in a good mood or anything, I just find it easier to maintain contact with sensations and be accepting of whatever comes up. I've been listening to Shinzen Young's Science of Enlightenment series which has given me some good practical direction.

Still going. Just sat. After 15 minutes of anapanasati I switched to a technique Shinzen Young was talking about, where you stare at a solid object and notice the flashes of the visual frame resetting or changing. I suppose this is really just a kind of kasina practice. Anyway I stared at the unlit wick of a tea candle, and was very concentrated. My visual field began to strobe at times and the frame resets were very apparent and easily noticed. The location of the wick seemed to be jumping around in a small circle. Noted some vibrations and just a lot of strobing and flowing within the visual field. Muscle in the bridge of my nose was twitching and spasming, but other than that there weren't any strong body sensations.

Sat, see yesterday's entry for technique description. Started getting the strobing again, and a lot of twisting/contorting sensations in the body which seem to be 3 Characteristics type stuff.

"Still going. Just sat. After 15 minutes of anapanasati I switched to a technique Shinzen Young was talking about, where you stare at a solid object and notice the flashes of the visual frame resetting or changing."

Can you provide a link to this? I can't seem to find it.

"Can you provide a link to this? I can't seem to find it.

"

Sorry, it's part of his audiobook "The Science of Enlightenment"

Just finished a 35 minute kasina sit. Towards the end the periphery of the visual field grew very fuzzy and indistinct, and I basically had tunnel vision focused on the kasina. Everything seemed very rigid and hard. Noted a lot of stiffness and pounding/pulsing pain in the middle of the back.

Alright I'm gonna start posting more detailed and frequent logs so I can figure out where I'm at.

From yesterday:

35 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing. Tried to stay receptive to positive sensations. Felt wisps of pleasure and tingling in the arms and shoulders, mostly during exhale. Relatively concentrated and aware. After 15 minutes, tried to transition to long breathing from the belly to further develop pleasant sensations. Concentration weakened and awareness dimmed. After about 5 minutes got frustrated and decided to try kasina. Had trouble following the shifts in the visual field at first, but eventually gained stable concentration. Moderate speed pulsing noted in the visual field as the mind continuously gathered and ungathered on the kasina object. More pulse-like than rigid flickers. Periphery of the visual field grew fuzzy and dark, things became rigid. Sensations of heat arose. Unpleasant rigidity and pounding hard pain in the back arose. Followed the arising and passing of these sensations. Back pain grew very painful at times and contributed to an averse, restless mindstate. Noted some thoughts related practice. Felt like I passed through 2 cycles: concentrated, not, concentrated, not.

Excellent entry Josh. This is the sort of thing that'll really help with your progress. Looking forward to seeing the pattern get clearer.

Regarding the unpleasant phase you describe toward the end of the entry - read this:
dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wi...ee%20Characteristics

"Feelings of heat and sensations like those of a fever may sometimes accompany this stage. One's neck and back may become very stiff, either on one side or both sides. "

"
There may be odd bodily twistings, obsession with posture, and painful tensions or strange other sensations, particularly in the back, neck, jaw and shoulders. These tensions may persist when not meditating and be quite irritating and even debilitating. The rhomboid and trapezius muscles are the most common offenders. It is common to try to sit with good posture and then find one's body twisting into some odd and painful position. You straighten out, and soon enough it does it again. That's a very Three Characteristics sort of pattern. People sometimes describe these feelings as some powerful energy that is blocked and seems wants to get out or move through. "

"
This unpleasantness tends to be mostly physical, though this stage can also cause numerous dark feelings and a sense of wanting to renounce the world and practice. Occasionally, the early part of this stage can cause people to feel vulnerable, raw, and irritable to a small or large degree in the ways that a migraine headache or a bad case of PMS can. I have occasionally been laid out on a couch for hours by this aspect of this stage, holding my head and just wishing that these early stages didn't sometimes involve so much pain and anguish. "

35 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, just staying with the cohensive flow of the breath. After 10 minutes, tried to do kasina, this time with a bowl as an object. Think I was sitting too far away (plus I was facing a window with a busy road, which was way too distracting), and didn't want to get up or move, so I just closed my eyes again and concentrated on the sensate fragments of the breath. Observed pulses of breath for inhalation an exhalation. When I tried to find a pattern it felt like my observation was interfering with the rate of the pulsing. I could speed up the frequency of pulses or decrease the speed by inclining my mind. This was distracting so I relaxed and let the pulses arise on their own, noting only the strongest and most apparent ones. Started to get rigidity and discomfort in the back, as well as in my ribcage. Not as painful as yesterday but still solid and noticeable. Ignored the pain sensations for the most part and stayed with breath fragments. Went to the pain for a little bit and watched as it faded in and out. Noted "expecting" when the pain was gone and I expected to feel something in the location it had just been. Some thoughts arose throughout this sit but didn't stick at all. Concentration on the object was relatively stable throughout.

"Observed pulses of breath for inhalation an exhalation. When I tried to find a pattern it felt like my observation was interfering with the rate of the pulsing. I could speed up the frequency of pulses or decrease the speed by inclining my mind. This was distracting so I relaxed and let the pulses arise on their own, noting only the strongest and most apparent ones."

"In this stage, the relationships between mental and physical phenomena become very clear and sometimes ratchet-like. The joy and wonder of Mind and Body have left, and now the interactions between the mind and body become somewhat mechanical-seeming. Motions such as walking or the breath may begin to get jerky, as there is the intention and the motion, the sensation and the mental impression of it, the cause and the effect, all occurring in a way which can seem sort of tight and robot-like. You note, the breath moves just a bit. You stop noting, the breath stops. You note quickly, the breath jerks quickly. You note slowly, the breath follows. Some will stop noting quickly or stop noting at all, thinking that they are messing up the breath. The advice here is as before: note quickly, and don't worry about what the breath does. "

That's an entry on cause and effect from MCTB
dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wi...Cause%20and%20Effect

It seems like you are describing the first three nanas consistently (the pleasantness and such at the beginning of the previous sit corresponding to 1st jhana/mind and body). The unpleasantness after what I've quoted here is likely 3 characteristics (due to the physical uncomfortability and such)

Could be wrong though, but these reports are much clearer and will really give you a good basis for seeing exactly whats up (I've merely been posting my best guess based on what you are writing).

WOW

40 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, staying with the cohensive flow. Concentration flowed easily. Points of itching came up but I disregarded them and kept with the flow of the breath. After 10 minutes, shifted to sensate fragments of the breath. Breath was "chunky" and full of disctinct pulse-fragments. My body felt like it was twisting and distorting. Noticed a heartbeat-like pulse start to form in the crown of my head. Followed this pulse which spread to my whole face. Felt like my whole face was pumping blood. Eyes started to get a little twitchy. Focused on the twitches and all of a sudden my eyes basically rolled back in my head and **** started to get crazy. My eyes were twitching uncontrollably, I was breathing extremely fast in and out of my nose, my heart started to pound. All of this was completely involuntary and ******* wild. Thoughts of fear came up as well as a desire to just open my eyes and stop but it just kept going on its own. Was able to relax a bit and just be with the violent twitching/breathing/pounding. Eventually this started to slow down and subside on its own.

Body felt completely energized, especially in the hands which were very tingly. The breath was completely smooth and refined and I could barely note any fragments at all in it, it just felt totally cohensive, even when I tried to bust it to pieces. It became slightly difficult to concentrate. Kept following the breath and just letting go of any effort. Eyes started to twitch a little bit again, and then involuntarily started to shut harder and harder until they were squeezed shut. Felt like I was inside of a spacious void. Observed the grainy-ness of the blackness. Eventually eyes eased up and weren't tightly shut anymore.Kept following the breath. Was aware of the pulse in my eyes, only this time the peak of each pulse was made of up very distinct mini-pulses/vibrations. Kept following this pulse for the remainder of the sit.

That was by far the craziest sit I've ever had. Anyone want to try their hand at a dharma diagnosis?

Right now I feel very tingly and full of energy. My teeth are chattering but I'm not cold.

Sounds like you are hitting a&p territory. This is to be expected seeing as you clearly describe 2nd and 3rd nanas in the past couple of days.

Good stuff. Keep doing this!

37 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, staying with the cohesive flow. After 10 minutes, shifted to sensate fragments of the breath. Noted the different sensations making up inhalations and exhalations. After a bit, started to feel the pulse from yesterday in my eyes. Eyes started to get twitchy again, though not as fast or violent as yesterday. Eyes pulsed creating a strobe effect of red/black as they partially opened and closed. Stayed with this pulsing until it subsided naturally. Kept with the breath fragments and noted many subtle positive sensations that almost felt like I was trying to choke back laughter. Lips began to twitch very quickly and and my mouth involuntarily pulled into a tight grin. Stayed with this twitching until it subsided naturally. Kept following the breath fragments. Noted that I very obviously was expecting more interesting twitching and kept thinking about the progress of insight, etc. Just noted all this stuff and let it come and go. Lots of pulsing noted all around the body, felt like a heartbeat in different areas. Back pain arose and twisting sensations. Noted and followed them. Started to get restless and averse to sitting. Ended up walking away from the cushion about 3 minutes before the bell. Back pain still present.

Doing a little mini at home retreat this weekend - going to try for 4-5 40 minute sits a day.

Sit 2: 40 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, staying with the cohesive flow. Planned to do this for 10 but the heartbeat/pulse thing arose, so I decide to follow it and start going after fragments. This heartbeat/pulse thing is constant now - I can always tune into it somewhere in the body, sometimes its very subtle but it always seems to be there. Even right now if I pause for a sec I can feel it. It's roughly 2hz and very constant. Anyway I followed this pulse around the body, mostly feeling it in the eyes and face. When the pulse subsided I would follow sensations of the breath. Back pain arose in the same spot it always does, right to the left of the spine in the middle of the back. Feels like a big pulsing knot. Felt the heatbeat right in the center of the pain too, stayed with it for awhile. Some fireworks started going off outside and right as they did my eyes started doing the twitch thing again. Not as fast, long, or violent as last night but still interesting. Stayed with the twitching and noted the distinct flashes and vibrations. Back pain stayed until the bell and is still here.

Sit 1: 38 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, staying with the cohesive flow. After 10, switched to insight practice with the breath sensations. Nothing very noteworthy to report. Stayed with the breath and didn't get much twitching. The pulse was apparent but very subtle, mostly in my eyes, face, and lips. Concentration was weak throughout the sit. No pain came up. Towards the end got restless and averse, stood up a couple minutes before the bell.

Sit 2: 40 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, switched to insight practice after a few minutes. Concentration was stabler than before. Stayed with the breath sensations, and followed the heartbeat/pulse wherever it went, mostly in the lips and eyes as before. Towards the end back pain arose, same spot. Found the pulse in the pain and stayed with it until the end of the sit.

Sit 3: 35 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, after a few minutes started insight practice. Back pain arose quickly. Kept attention on the pusling pain for most of the sit. Flashes of heat in my face. Eventually the pain ground down my patience and I became extremely averse to sitting and restless. No concentration at all towards the end. Walked away 5 minutes before the bell. Back is killing me right now.

So after sit 3 yesterday I was feeling really uncomfortable, mostly due to back pain, but also sort of stressed and fatigued. Smoked some weed, which I think is really a crutch I need to stop using for awhile. Anyway, couldn't get motivated for any more formal sitting, so I layed down and just tuned into the body. Basically let various sensations pop up and wash over me, which actually felt good, like a nice massage. Went to bed and had some mildly disturbing nightmares.

Anyway, Sit 1 today: Started with mindfulness of breathing, then transitioned to insight practice. Investigation was shallow - felt that I couldn't clearly or accurately penetrate the breath. Switched back to mindfulness of breathing to try and build up some concentration. Was distracted frequently by thought. Awareness remained scattered and unstable. With about 5 minutes left in the sit I tuned into sounds and hearing, which was easier to stick with than the breath. No pains arose during the sit.

Sit 2: 40 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, transitioned to insight practice after 10 minutes. Concentration was much stronger and I was able to penetrate the breath and notice it's distinct sensations. After about 10 minutes of staying with the breath and noticing mostly the beginning of each fragment, the mind sped up and was able to quickly notice the end of each fragment as well. Breath became jerky (but not erratic - very consistent frequency) and mechanical. Concentration was strong and stable. Noted the beginning and end of breath fragments for awhile, then noted tingling sensations forming in the lips. Directed attention to these sensations. Felt like tingly static electricity, mostly centered in the lips. Very fast and fine vibrations. I think this was my best look at "vibrations" yet. Felt the same tingly fine vibrations in the elbow as well. These weren't physical twitches, just static electricty type sensations. Eventually the vibrations in the lips subsided and I went back to the breath. Concentration was slightly weaker and mind was a little slower. Could only recognize the beginnings of breath fragments. Stayed with these fragments until the bell. Very little pain arose during this sit - a few moments of back discomfort that were easily noted and disregarded.

Missed a few days of sitting because I had to go on a quick business trip. Routine was disturbed and couldn't find the time to sit, or so I tell myself. Worth mentioning that even though I didn't sit formally, I barely had a single shred of mindfulness for the few days I was gone. Just, nothing.
Anyway, just sat for 30 to get back into it. Started with mindfulness of breathing. It was clumsy, awkward. Concentration was weak. Sort of drifted into insight practice without really intending to, but concentration wasn't strong or stable enough to really penetrate anything. Back pain arose. Solid, stiff, extremely uncomfortable, pounding pulses. It's still present right now, really painful and uncomfortable. Kept sitting and just watching whatever sensations arose. Felt very restless, averse, uncomfortable.

40 minutes. Started with mindfulness of breathing, transitioned to insight practice after ten minutes. Concentration was moderately stable. Stayed with the chunky pulses of inhalation and exhalation. Back pain arose which evoked an averse mind state. Various parts of the body tensed up in response to the back pain, mostly legs, shoulders, and hands. Going to try sitting in a more comfortable position next time.

40 minutes. Reclined slightly in a chair with a pillow to support my lower back in hopes of getting rid of some of the grinding, distracting back pain that seems to come up consistently now. Worked well because I didn't get any pain at all. Started with mindfulness of breathing, transitioned to insight practice after 10 minutes. Concentration was moderate to strong throughout. Could count the number of times I got lost in thought on one hand. Stayed with the various sensations of the breath. Noted the steady pulsing rhythm. Started to get some involuntary twitching in the face, mostly in the forehead and lips. Eyes blinked rapidly, involuntarily. These sensations passed and I returned to the breath. When the bell rang I had started to get some unpleasant flashes of heat, points of itching, and restless energy. Equanimity and concentration were high so I stayed with these things for a few minutes before stopping. I can feel the momentum building again.

40 minutes. Reclined slightly in a chair, started with mindfulness of breathing for 10, then transitioned to insight practice. Concentration was moderate. No twitching or vibrations. Towards the end, concentrated on the sensations that make up "the witness", which were a sort of tightening of focus that directed awareness to my face and head area. Held these sensations and watched them pulse. Saw the witness basically pulsing in and out, much like the breath does when penetrated.

Got some Sunday night dukkha going on now. Restless energy, aversion to the present, frustration with content-type stuff. I try to slow down and watch it but it seems to make it worse. I can't ground it. Can't penetrate or focus on it easily.