j0shj0sh logs

Weird stuff. Was just talking to mumuwu about the dark night. After we spoke I had some dinner and then went to sit. Instead of sitting up right in a chair I reclined slightly against the headboard in my bed '“ I was feeling a little dull and didn't want to deal with an edgy upright sit in a chair.

Anyway, started off noting the four foundations. Made it through 5 body, 5 vedana, then started getting involuntary twitching and movements in the legs. Face started contorting and tightening, to a much more intense degree than I've ever experienced before. Now this is weird because I was JUST mentioning this sort of facial contortion thing to mumuwu, so it was kind of weird to me that it this was happening so intensely now. Anyway my face was tightening and tensing so much that it became really painful, especially in my forehead. Eventually it peaked until reached a breaking point, upon which I exhaled deeply and everything opened up and mellowed out.

Started to get back to noting and before long got movement in my legs again, followed shortly after by tensing and tightening in the face. Once again things got really painful before 'breaking', then opening up and mellowing out. This happened maybe 2 or 3 more times, then started to change a little. Instead of being painful, my face and throat area would tighten, tense, and constrict so much that I would actually choke and gag. This would break the peaking tension and things would mellow and open, and I would be breathing heavy. This cycle repeated itself no less than 20 times during the remainder of the sit.

Really weird stuff. Throughout I was questioning whether or not I was scripting myself into this, because like I said I had JUST talked to mumuwu about facial contortions and dark night stuff. But I was really relaxing into this and staying open to whatever happened, and these little cycles of tension and release seemed truly natural and involuntary.

And just as a little footnote to the post above, I stopped noting the four foundations after about 2 or 3 of those little cycles and just followed them for the whole sit, noting whatever sensations came up regardless of which foundation it was a part of. Right now I feel a little nauseous and having that tight gaggy feeling in my throat still.

Another weird dark nighty session. 45 minutes. Started noting the four foundations. A bit into vedana starting to get the twitching and tightening against. Neck constricted and tongue pulled back so far into the back of the mouth that I actually gag. This repeated at least a dozen times over the 45 minutes, probably more. When it first starting cycling I noted a lot of fear, fear which would turn into naseau and disgust as my tongue pulled back and made me feel like I was going to choke/puke. Noted misery some times and had some involuntary groaning for a bit at one point. Stopped noting the foundations in order and just started noting whatever came up. I noticed that every time I gagged the cycle would stop, things would open up and I would note pleasant, spacious, and sometimes equanimity. These would linger for awhile until attention spontaneously returned to the face, usually this would spark a new round of twitching and tightening. As the tension was building I would note aversion, since I felt myself trying to slow the process and avoid the tightening - I knew it would culminate in gagging and I hate that feeling. Really interesting **** and at this point it seems like its obvious Dark Night type stuff. I would even notice a "desire for deliverance" type thought right before reaching the point where I gagged.

Another session of cycling. 45 minutes. Started noting and almost immediately twitching in the legs and mouth started up. Went through cycles that involved tightening and tension in the face, especially the jaw and neck. The first few cycles peaked with pain and tension, no disgust or gagging though. Abandoned the 5 minute timer and just started noting whatever came up. Mind was noticeably faster and more agile, quickly noting sensations then abandoning them to greet the next. Cycling started to include the disgust/nausea and some gagging as well. At one point felt overwhelming sadness like I wanted to cry. Throughout all of this, I was so interested in and curious about all of these negative sensations that I couldn't really call them truly negative. It seems in order for them to be REALLY negative I would have to be opposed to them on some level, and I simply wasn't - I was just interested in the whole process and observed what was going on. It's difficult for me to recall the linear progression of sensations that made up these cycles, but basically they started out with general noting of whatever was arising, then a negative sensation would come and restless bouncing/movement in the feet and toes would start. Twitching, movement, and blinking would start in the face, and my mouth starts tightening and pulling back, along with pulsing tension and pain in the jaw. (continues....)

(continued from previous post)...Sometimes this pain continues to pulse until it becomes 'unbearable' (still kinda completely bearable though, in a way), and the cycle peaks and everything opens up. Mindstate becomes open and spacious, pleasant vedana, pleasant breathing, sometimes moments of equanimity. Sometimes when the pain is peaking my tongue starts to get the involuntary movements, and this immediately conditions feelings of disgust and nausea. My tongue continues to move until I gag, which is simultaenously extremely unpleasant and pleasant. Unpleasant because its a nauseating sensation, pleasant because it signals the end of naseau. Then I feel like I've got my head above water again, and I start noting until the next moment of tension triggers a new cycle. Towards the end of the sit the cycling slowed down, only got a couple in the final ten minutes, probably 10 or more cycles prior to that.

45 minutes. Started noting, was quick, accurate, stable. Twitching and eye movement started about 5 minutes in. Got a few cycles of tension and release. The pain was really bad and uncomfortable in my jaw so I could feel myself holding back when things started to tense up. Felt like if I didn't control the intensity that my jaw would dislocate or something. When the cycles peaked and released I didn't really feel pleasant any more, just annoyed, agitated, fed up, and averse. Felt like this through much of the sit. Felt the urge to just tune everything out altogether. Kept noting, mostly restless, annoyed, aversion, and related negative sensations. Towards the end lost the desire to keep sitting. Opened my eyes and noted, but wasn't very invested in it.

Just wanted to add some notes about my general mood these past 2 days. I've just been really restless, with a kind of constant background anxiety constantly gnawing at me. Can't focus on any stuff at work, procrastinated all day and got nothing done (yesterday also) Whereas last week I was really getting into stable noting off-cushion, it hasn't come as easily this week, and I find myself making excuses. Now that I'm thinking about it, awareness and attention are more in the periphery, which makes makes it more difficult to note - I think.

Still can't concentrate on any of my work today. Have an anxiety buzz going that feels like I drank too much coffee. A constant background hum of uncomfortable energy that distracts me from whatever I'm doing.

Yesterday's 45 minute sit was more cycling, though not as intense and not as many cycles. Pretty similar to what I've been describing though.

Just now, another 45 noting. Got 1 or 2 cycles in the beginning, and then nothing, just stable and solid noting for the rest of the time. Woke up today without any of the anxiety or restlessness from this week. Took a walk at the park and had no trouble noting sense doors. Seems like concentration is coming back, feeling calmer now, and the dark night type stuff isn't really present. We'll see how this plays out over the next few days.

45 minutes noting. Got a few more dark night type cycles with gagging, but not as many. Pretty standard sit, got dull at times and was noting stuff I probably really didn't feel, just went on autopilot. Got restless and averse to sitting towards the end. Concentration was difficult and noting stability was patchy.

Off cushion I haven't felt as much anxiety, but noting still isn't flowing very easily. The habit will kick in for a few moments but die out pretty quickly. Strong desire to smoke weed and just tune out. Feeling a pull towards physical distractions like TV and video games, which normally don't really interest me.

30 yesterday laying in bed because I was dull and averse to sitting. Basically noted and relaxed, no cycles or anything.

After reading your most recent posts, I would like to simply offer some encouragement.

Yes, there can be a strong pull to just give up, get high, play video games, or do anything other than practice. It makes sense, really. When practice is unpleasant, we don't want to do it.

I'm happy to see that you're returning to the practice often, because I think it's important to make time for regular practice during difficult periods like this. Many of us have found that the process itself is trustworthy, and that the most important thing is to keep going into experience and working with it. You'll continue to figure what works and what doesn't.

It's good to take breaks from practice, so as not to burn out. But I think it's good to keep something regular going, once a day or so, for 20-30 minutes. If you can do more, cool. If not, don't worry about it.

Make time for both video games and practice if you want. It doesn't have to be either/or. Just don't leave practice out completely, and you should continue to make progress.

I admire your dedication. Keep up the good work.
-Jackson

Thanks for your words of encouragement Jackson. I'm glad I haven't given up yet. I am at the tipping point where the pain of not sitting exceeds the pleasure of avoiding it. I do need to loosen up a little, at times I feel a little ragged and burnt out, though to be honest, it's very bearable.

Practice notes for 11/22:

45 minutes noting. Noting was strong, fast, stable. Got a couple dark night type cycles with pain and tension in the face followed by release or disgust and release. Started to get a lot of the old familiar back and ass pain, and back stiffness. Kept noting, was twitching/blinking and shaking moderately throughout the sit. Was able to stick with pretty much everything that came up, very few distractions from noting. Lots of itches and annoying body sensations as well.

It's weird how some of this stuff can feel bad and yet still be bearable. There's a sense that it's not really harming you, just putting you through the wringer for awhile. Keep up the good work! This is the point in the path that feels like a long, hard slog. I keep wondering when it's going to change, thinking it's going to be this way forever.

Welp I guess my lack of recent reports reflects the very BLEH plateau-ish feeling I've been having on the cushion. Still sitting 40 minutes a day since my last report, same old stuff. Noting, some cycles of fear/misery/disgust/release from time to time, the same old shaking/twitching/blinking. Only now it just feels like I'm just going through the motions, just trying to get the sit out of the way. Concentration and clarity aren't very deep and I find myself getting bored and averse to sitting about halfway through. I just trudge through the rest of it but it always feels like an uphill battle, like I have to expend energy to note the simplest things. Just sticking with it at this point, hope I'm not "practicing wrong" or anything like that.