MikeR's practice

Hi, I'm new here; my name is Mike and I'm from the Seattle area. I'm a student of Ron Crouch, and he has encouraged me to start posting a practice journal here. Ron has confirmed that I'm post stream entry, and in the midst of second path. When we last spoke a few days ago, I was in re-observation.

I have visited this site periodically over the past year or more, and have been very impressed by general tone of the discussions and the depth of knowledge shared. I have found much of great value and help on this site, and I'd like to thank Kenneth and everyone who has shared their experience and wisdom with the public here. I would also like to especially thank Nikolai Halay for his posts on his blog concerning stream entry.

A little background: I've been practicing for just about three years '“ two and a half of which have been steady and disciplined. I started out with Mahasi style noting, switching to U Tejaniya's style vipassana last September on the advice of my former teacher. This helped me tremendously to settle down. I still use noting during most sits, it's just usually sparse or slow, speeding up when it seems appropriate. I also practice metta, and in recent weeks, Mahamudra noting, which is very helpful. Wonderful really! I practice dry vipassana, and have not mastered the samatha jhanas.

Welcome. You will get a lot of good advice around here. Regardless, keeping a journal can be an invaluable tool on this journey. Good luck with the tail end of your 2nd Dark Night.

Thanks Aquanin.

This is backdated by one day:
May 27, 2012

When I woke up this morning there was strong equanimity. The mind was concentrated, and there was a sense of ease and clarity. The tight feelings in the head which have been with me for over a week now, were gone. At a number of points throughout the day I could see experience being fabricated moment by moment '“ how consciousness was being constructed by perception, formations (mental habits/beliefs) in combination with external stimuli or mind contact, etc. Some of the same formations which were arising in re-observation were still there (i.e. anxiety, misery, dispassion), but now there was much greater detachment and ease with it all. Then in the afternoon, after a busy day of touring with visiting relatives, equanimity started to break down and re-observation seemed to be re-asserting itself. Maybe related to fatigue, as I had only five hours of sleep the previous night.

May 28, 2012
This morning there still seemed to be higher level of equanimity than in the past week, generally. However I seem to be in some kind of no-where land between re-observation and EQ. The woe and suffering with re-observation is just much easier to take today, even though I seem to be cycling rather rapidly through fear, misery/sorrow, dispassion/disgust, and desire for deliverance. This often seems to happen on an almost moment by moment basis - although I sometimes abide for a longer period in one or the other, especially dispassion, but not desire for deliverance. That last knowledge usually goes by very quickly '“ just a passing thought/feeling, and often it's not even noticed before fear comes up again.

55 minutes sitting and the above generally applied as well. Did straight vipassana and upped the rate of noting from my usual pace because of spaciness and drifting. The first part of the sit was re-observation, with feelings of boredom thrown in. At one point the desire to just stop and give up arose, and although this hasn't arisen in quite a while, things were generally easier to deal with than in the past week. Compared to pre-path re-observation, and last week, it was a cake walk. Then greater concentration arose along with calm, accompanied by happiness. There followed a period of watching consciousness arising and passing away, almost A&P like, but without the strong interest and rapture. This changed into more re-observation cycling, but with greater detachment and equanimity. There was also a good deal of confusion and doubt, which seemed to be underlying the anxiety. Last week, during the more intense period of re-observation, the only way I could get calm was by doing Mahamudra noting. Today, bare attention alone did the job.

Welcome to the forum! Could you please say more about U Tejaniya's style vipassana? Haven't heard about this. Thanks, Laurel

Thanks Laurel! Sayadaw U Tejaniya teaches what I would call "open awareness" type of vipassana. There is no primary object to anchor attention on, like the breath for example. Adyashanti's meditation instruction "Be still. Allow everything to be" seems analogous, or even the same to me. The following links have a lot more information and explain it better than perhaps I could here. In particular check out Andrea Fella's five talks titled "In the style of U Tejaniya" - they are mostly short talks, and a good basic introduction:

www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/20/?page=3

www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/246/

sayadawutejaniya.org/teachings/

May 29, 2012

60 minute sit today. Again woke up this morning feeling calmer and much more at ease than last week when there was incessant re-observation cycling, along with nearly constant unpleasant sensations in the head. Before the sit I reviewed my meditation instructions, which I hadn't done in months. That was inspired by Laurel's question about it. I'm glad I did, because right away it helped me see how I was still straining and applying too much effort.

Sitting began with low levels of anxiety. There was some cycling from anxiety to misery/self pity, then dispassion '“ but this was not consistent and it did not dominate or define the experience. There was a fair amount of confusion and eventually it could be seen how wanting to know 'where I'm at' was conditioning the confusion and anxiety. Attention then leaped at any example of wanting/desire conditioning anxiety. Once or twice dispassion arose toward this process.
There was quite a bit of narrative thinking going on too, including thinking about what this report would contain. Toward the end there was more of a tendency to get lost in narrative and space out, along with some mild sleepiness.

I seem to be quite interested in the maps when it's more or less obvious what's going on, but when the nature of the experience doesn't match the map '“ or my conception of it '“ confusion and searching begins. As has happened before, I just want to throw away the map for now.

Thanks for the info on your teacher; started listening to one of the dharma talks. It sounds a lot like what I'm already doing. As for the maps: I think they tend to a lot "loopier" than linear sometimes. I loop back on myself, especially once I pass A&P. The dukkhas aren't in any kind of order in my experience, just a lot of mixed-bag style unhappiness. Once I'm out of them I recognize EQ easily. Happy travels!

@ Laurel

You're welcome! Yeah, I've looped through the ñanas before too, and that may be what's going on now. The map has been a great help and an obstacle for me, but on balance I'd much rather have the information. In spite of wanting to chuck it all for now, it's been essential.

May 30, 2012

70 minutes total.

Today started out rough. Agitation, anxiety, a little dullness, wanting to quit, and lot's of dispassion or disgust. The last, dispassion, which was like a cool anger, was predominant. Couldn't settle down. There were little twitches in the body, especially the nose - the body was just as agitated as the mind. Involuntary muscle contraction in the leg, like an energy surge, more than once. At one point there was the distinct impression that all of this was just happening on its own '“ no one here doing it. I tried Mahamudra noting and breath counting too - nothing seemed to work, but the anxiety fell away.

After 40 minutes I did something I've never done before during a sit '“ I just decided to go easy on myself and take a break and then come back to it. Then there was an insight into suffering, how trying to figure things out was suffering, and all the streams of thought, etc.

After crackers and artichoke dip (yum!) I sat for another 30 minutes. All the same objects, noted a lot of thinking '“ report thoughts, planning thoughts, blah blah blah! There was a greater capacity to be with stuff and more interest too. Got pretty calm and concentrated then and most of the sense of struggle fell away; the dullness mostly burned off, and a gentle happiness arose. It was more clear what the mind was up to, but I can't remember it well enough to write about it afterward. That seems to happen a lot.

May 31, 2012

60 minutes

Noting seemed to cause agitation, especially near the beginning. There was wanting to surrender, wanting to know, wanting something to happen, wanting insight, and wanting unpleasant body sensations to go away. None of this was particularly strong or dramatic. Watched very subtle aversion arise in response to moderate physical sensations. This was interesting, and my sense is that this has been mostly overlooked. Maybe deliberately? So, tension in the jaw, very subtle aversion, more subtle aversion/resistance arises in response to that. This had all been more obvious in some ways pre-path, now it seems knocked down into the background.

I finished with around ten minutes or so of metta. It was difficult to direct it towards myself, which is not usually the case. A benefactor worked better, but it only really got going after directing it toward my wife.

June 1, 2012
65 minutes (50vipassana/15metta)

There was more spaciousness than in the past few days. I had a sense of being stuck, and on a hunch I mostly attended feeling tone. I've usually had a difficult time with this, but it opened up some more today. There were a lot of unpleasant feeling tones which I think have been usually overlooked. I watched how the feeling would change from unpleasant to neutral, or the reverse. There was strong interest and investigation, as if overcoming a recurring tendency to not want to see what's going on. In the past this has manifested as almost a willful turning away. At other times I think it's been a protective reflex '“ a need to go slow and integrate a new relationship with reality '“ or is experience a better word? Who has this relationship? What relationship?

June 2, 2012
50 minutes vipassana

There was anxiety, misery and dispassion, at times cycling one after the other '“ so that it appeared to be the knowledge of re-observation. Yet these were mostly subtle, and the sit was largely occupied with observing subtle movements of craving and resistance. There was detachment, and yet at times there seemed to be so much identification (clinging) with emotion that there was a fear of being 'swept away', or kept there. Am I attached to being detached? There was deep calm and tranquility too, accompanied by very fine tingling or vibration.

Tight feelings and pressure which are usually present in the head were reduced, or had relaxed as concentration deepened. Although a pressure on the forehead was more or less constant. At one point the mind began to slip off toward absorption and craving sprung up about this, so I watched that and just kept doing vipassana. This broke it up, but concentration remained very strong. The whole sit had the flavor of the fourth vipassana jhana, equanimity, but there seemed to be too much clinging for it to be fully developed.

Toward the end of the sit I applied the bystander noting technique, which I learned from the Hamilton Project sometime ago. This helped somewhat to dis-embed from the emotions. Oddly enough, however, I'm finding that attempting to describe experience in this journal, is somehow reenforcing a sense of self. The whole 'talking about me' thing is what the mind is 'happy' to do all day, but the dukkha in this is plain to see.

June 3, 2012
50 minutes vipassana

Similar to yesterday's sit but concentration not as good. Also more agitation, wandering, and spaciness. The mind was busy but seemed murky, and I had a very hard time noticing things. I had a vague sense of trying too hard. If this is dullness or torpor it is different in quality than what I usually note as dullness. I tried just being with the breath which the mind seemed happy to do, wanted to rest in...hmm....desire for deliverance? Maybe this is an example of what I call 'grasping at straws mind'. Anyway, this was fine but there were noisy intrusions (yowling cat, lawnmower, striving) and I don't think it helped much.

June 4, 2012
Upon re-acquainting myself with the the map, I think I've been in low equanimity for the past week. The tight sensations in the head which bugged me so much in re-observation are still present, but they've now been accompanied by very fine tingling ('vibration') - hmm, but vibration does seem to be a better description. I've been spacy, noting has been difficult (things are happening too fast), and even though I've been alarmed at how attached to formations I seem to be, it's not bugging me much at all.

After getting to an obvious, clear, and intensely concentrated equanimity, during first path, I ended up in a place very much like what's happening now. I stayed there for a month or two, before attaining path. I didn't know what was going on, I had assumed I would 'fall back' into the dark night, but things were fine, and the intense craving for getting it done, which had arisen during the initial three days of equanimity, was gone. I felt confused, but generally okay. I kept practicing, but the urgency was gone, and I made efforts to do other things and be more attentive to relationships.

The same thing seems to have happened now, albeit in more compressed time. There was an obvious shift out of re-observation last Monday into equanimity. Then I reported it as 'breaking up' that afternoon. No, I think it perhaps just settled down. I'm wondering if other yogis experience an obvious shift into equanimity which then seems to back off into a more ambiguous space...?

My mind does exactly what you describe in Equanimity. Boredom sets in and the mind starts wandering like crazy, and even though I have been through it a couple of times, each time I felt like I had to learn the same lesson over again about how my thoughts are controlling me. Once I finally settle and realize all I have to do is sit and observe this chatter and all the vibrations and then finally stop trying to control it. <insert various insights because of all of this here> Then Pop!

Hi Aquanin (Russell, right?),

But do you have an shift into EQ that has a strong signal, and then after a time (hours, days) seems less clear?

Although I've experienced the state of equanimity any number of times - in review, during the A&P, etc., both times now that I've entered the "insight knowledge of equanimity" has been the same. I went to bed one night still in re-observation and woke up the next morning in EQ. In both those cases the EQ was obvious - the center was back, there was greater clarity overall, the misery (or attachment to it) was gone or greatly reduced and so on. Then that strong signal dissipated somewhat, and confusion followed in both cases ("where am I" - "uh, right here!").

BTW my 5 year old daughter loved your daughter's rhyme about the owl! Thanks for posting it!

June 4, 2012
52 minutes (40vipassana/12metta)

Began with Mahamudra noting, this helped 'soften' things up and deepen concentration. There were fine vibrations over large parts of the body. Especially the arms, head, face, and neck. They felt like burning at times, but this was pleasant. The feeling tone was mostly neutral as mind objects came and went. Most of these were stories and narratives about 'me'. At one point consciousness seemed to be sliding or inclining toward cessation but there was resistance and the thought 'not ready yet' arose. This was followed by 'I don't get to choose'. I noted the conflicting feelings, etc., this seems to be something to pay attention to, without, hopefully, exciting a desire to find a 'solution'.

Another interesting event was remembering some odd pain in the jaw I had yesterday. As the thought was present, my mouth began to open. I tried to stop it, but it was out of my control and just opened up wide and then I could close it. Never had that happen before. There was a deeply relaxed calm when this occurred.

(continued below)

June 4, 2012 (Continued)

Over the past couple of days I've gotten a better notion of what's going on '“ or so it seems (it always seems better to leave this wide open). Therefore it's been easier to let go of the goal oriented striving and just be. All the worries, fears, and jobs on the 'to do' list are still screaming in the background, but there is a calm, somewhat spacy perspective and so none of this stuff has been 'driving' the show.

Switched to metta about ten or so minutes from the end (I don't use a timer, just peek at the clock now and then). Following John Peacock's advice, this has been mostly self directed lately. Concentration deepened doing this and when my highest motives for practice were recalled, there was a wave of bliss, and vibrations washing over the body like a rush of energy. Compassion and even tears arose, but this quickly subsided back into calm neutrality.

June 5, 2012

No formal sit today. Yesterday was very relaxed and all day long dependent origination was pretty clear. After feeling stuck and embedded, now the fiction of self was more or less obvious. Last night I lay down to sleep and felt relaxed and comfortable. Hoping to drift off, the mindfulness got going instead. Then without warning metta and compassion arose toward my wife's best friend and her husband, whom we haven't seen in a couple of years. But the phrases which I wanted to say just flew past and very quickly, an image of their son, a young boy who has struggled with serious health issues since birth, arose in the mind and attention just swiftly moved toward that like a high speed zoom lens.

I felt a sense of motion (toward the object) and rapidly became deeply concentrated with an intense, but relaxed clarity. The feeling tone was neutral, and there was great compassion, perhaps more than I've ever experienced. I had the distinct, eerie impression that this boy was someone beloved to me, and that I had known him in a past life. Now I'm definitely in the 'show me' camp when it comes to past lives '“ I'll believe it when I see it, and I'm not going to create a belief system on this fleeting intuition, but there it is.

Normally this youngster has not been an object of my metta meditation '“ I cannot recall if I ever directed it to him. And he's also doing well now, last I heard. Finally this whole occurrence had a strong flavor of impersonality, as if compassion itself was doing the driving.

Today I've been sleepy and things are a little sticky, but the equanimity is still present. Just watching.

June 6, 2012
50 minutes of vipassana

Strong equanimity still present. Tight sensations about the head, especially the forehead and scalp (almost like a facial masque was applied and then dried). Very fine tingles/vibrations still present too. I was sleepy from missing a lot of sleep last night again. Quite concentrated in spite of that. At one point during the sit it occurred to me that this phase means that the next path is around the corner somewhere, and more cessations will come. I don't know why, but there is fear at the prospect. Maybe because cessations are so mysterious and outside of 'my' control.

Be that as it may, this notion was followed by the realization that my highest aspirations were being realized, and that fruition is a good thing. Bliss and gratitude quickly arose upon this thought, with a wave of tingling energy coming up from the lower body and seemingly up and out of the top of my head. This seemed to balance and calm the energy in the body for a time. Still doing my best to just pay attention.

Just wanted to say hello and welcome, Mike.

Thanks for starting a journal here and please say hello to Ron Crouch for me. He used to be a neighbor of mine... until he freakin' moved to paradise.

Hi Chris, thanks for the welcome. I appreciate the level of practice (discussion) here, it keeps me sharp. Yeah, what a gig Ron has! He's really helped me a lot in the past couple of months. I'll pass along your hello.