MikeR's practice

July 9, 2012
50 minutes vipassana

This was very first gear-ish, paying close attention to mind states, feelings and body phenomena. Got into what was probably 6th jhana territory for a while '“ everything "collapsed"; seemingly centered in the head, but with an 'all over' awareness too. Otherwise cycling is not very clear except repeated anxiety/misery/disgust at times. There is no trend or signal in this practice now which relates clearly to the maps, it's just all over the place. One day feeling very awake, the next completely mired in my 'stuff'.

"One day feeling very awake, the next completely mired in my 'stuff'.

"

Totally my experience at this point too.

Yeah, I have to hand it to those people throughout history who figured this out on their own, with little or no influence or guidance from teachers or traditions.

July 10, 2012
53 minutes vipassana/metta

Pressure and tension in the head and jaws pretty strong and unpleasant, but a lot of acceptance and equanimity. These sensations were examined pretty closely and investigation and interest were good throughout the sit. Interestingly, the unpleasant sensations vanished after stopping the sit, although they had subsided quite a bit already before the end. This happens a lot, and it makes me wonder if the act or intention of looking itself is conditioning the tight feelings in the scalp, etc.

There were also lots of fine vibrations present in the head, neck, and shoulders. These felt almost like burning at times. Lots of slow pulsing and expansion and contraction of awareness. Subtle mind/body phenomena were clearly seen, yet there was also a feeling of murkiness, or lack of clarity. Overall just kind of 'blah'.

July 10, 2012
Notes:

Recently, the sense that there is no one in particular doing 'my' life has been coming on fairly frequently. It's much clearer and certain than around first path, when I often felt like I was just not seeing that for the most part. This is mostly happening off cushion, and often in the mornings.

This evening I went for a walk and about 30 minutes into it the sense of subject-object dropped away. There was just this. There was just seeing, just hearing, just feeling, just reactions, just thinking; there were myriad objects coming together in each moment, sewing together the fabric of experience. The story began...'I am...'- but there is no 'I' separate from the totality of experience. The question 'who is having this experience?' did not apply. A boy on a bike comes toward me and he is the same thing. A sense of wonder arose, along with a fascination in every phenomenon. The old habit patterns tried to re-assert dominance with doubt, but couldn't find traction in the wide, panoramic view. As I write this the state now feels more like high equanimity, and a cloying sense of duality is returning.

The roller-coaster ride continues...

Nice. Experiences like that come and go, and they're a gift while we're in them. But from what I gather, they become more frequent, and more stable, as we progress. Keep it up!

Thanks for the encouragement. I had one brief but eye-opening non-dual experience nearly a year before finishing first path. Since then there have been more as you indicate. This one was the longest yet, at half an hour or so; and the hangover continues into today...a marked changed from two weeks ago, when there seemed to be a backlash against further awakening.

July 11, 2012
45 minutes vipassana

This began with a strong willingness to surrender. Things started off with anxiety and this was investigated and held with calm and interest. Then it moved into misery, but seemed to go back to anxiety for a bit. This all broke up and serenity increased. Joy arose and more or less remained throughout the sit.

Awareness was expansive, and there was a tendency to identify with objects '“ in other words a flip-flop from the usual 'this is not self' to 'I am that'. Not really seeing right now how 'I' could be anything else but the knowing...and I'm not sure what 'knowing' is...it's just This. Some time was spent in 5th jhana like territory. There was a great deal of interest in seeing what would happen in the next moment. Selfing was clear, but it wasn't getting a strong grip this time.

Same name, different yogi. Rolling right along...

July 12, 2012
53 minutes vipassana

Began with anxiety and tension - nothing new there for me. It had all the makings of a 'bad' sit '“ there was a dense dullness/fogginess in the head, with fatigue thrown on top. Only objects on the 'periphery' were clear. 'Ah' says I after a while, 'must be the third vipassana jhana'. (I can be quite slow on the uptake) Typically I resist dullness. Today however I smiled. I accepted the uncertainty, stopped fighting the not knowing. Happiness arose and a little later a weight literally lifted from my heart. The dullness continued for a while longer and then clarity arose '“ probably 4th jhana. 5th and 6th jhanas seemed to appear briefly too.

Joy and gratitude continued to arise. Pain, distraction, reaction - anything unpleasant was met with compassion and gratitude. This after all is what is. Relief arose, and the sit ended after a wave of joy welled up through the body, and a nimitta appeared, which was stable and then expanded and filled the mind. 'Suchness' - non-duality keeps breaking through '“ a moment here, another few there. None of this seems to line up with the maps as far as review phases or anything.

July 13, 2012
37 minutes vipassana

Started off with the usual tension and anxiety. I was aware of expectation both before and during the sit. There was pretty strong concentration and clarity, and early on subtle mind states were more easily noted. Things like framing attitudes. Unpleasant sensations and feelings kept arising but this was all over an underlying layer of happiness.

Later on there was more mind wandering and spaciness. Overall thoughts and mind states were stickier than they've been in the past few sits. When it seemed like it had been long enough I looked at the clock. The elapsed time was less than usual but I just wanted to stop. There was subtle restlessness then. I didn't note boredom arising while sitting, but this is how it looks now. This seemed more like review to me.

July 14, 2012
20 minutes vipassana

I was interrupted so it was a short sit. Tension, resistance, etc., began to break up, and I got deeply concentrated. Surrendered.

Otherwise things continue to be contracted somewhat from the wakefulness of at few days ago. Turning away from self centered orientation to 'other' orientation is helping with more difficult moods or mind states.

July 15, 2012
30 minutes vipassana

Don't remember much from this sit, just surrendering to everything.

80 minutes samatha/vipassana

Breath counting. No problem staying with it, but the mind was pretty busy. Investigated the sense that experience is happening to 'me'. Just feeling tone and tactile sensations in the head mostly, especially in the center of the head. I recognized an area to the right of center in the head, and when this was seen a lot of subtle physical tension on the left side of the face/body relaxed. Tranquility. Otherwise sense of identity pretty sticky. Sorrow, embarrassment, shame, wanting, not wanting, dejection, dispassion, happiness, boredom, striving.

July 15, 2012

While out walking I contemplated views. Views about myself mostly '“ largely unconscious beliefs and assumptions. There isn't a grain of truth to most of them, but I've lived my life as though they were true. Many of these views have caused me a lot of stress and even depression over the years. I imagined literally kicking them to the curb as I walked along. The realization arose 'there is nothing fixed' as I understood that the views were false.

Then I sorted through my work plans for the future. This involved planning and creative thinking. It felt good to use thinking for something useful and then just let it go.

July 16, 2012
65 minutes just sitting

Surrendered to the moment. Any unpleasantness was seen as perfect. Lots of calm, tranquility, and equanimity. This left me watching the grasping mind. Mostly this was grasping after insight, or a 'breakthrough'. This was let go. Also practiced self-inquiry, and at times the sense of the witness was strong and clear as attention turned back on itself.

After 45 or 50 minutes I began metta directing it toward myself. But concentration became very strong and the feeling of friendliness grew only after it was directed 'outward' toward family members, friends, and strangers.

July 17, 2012
56 minutes

Another quiet sit with strong concentration and equanimity. I kept turning awareness back to itself. Also watched the mind create a sense of space. Who is the watcher? Lots of uncertainty.

July 18, 2012
61 minutes

Concentration practice while watching the breath. Concentration deepened pretty fast, and pleasure arose along with a feeling of well being in the body. Then some excitement and brief surges of trembling and body rocking. I never seem to get past this phase.

Lot's of mind wandering began, and I spent a lot of the sit trying to stay with the breath in the face of distracting sounds and a torrent of mental proliferation. It's humbling. Near the end I just surrendered to what is and concentration came back very strong along with relaxation. There was still a stickiness - a feeling of being caught up in effort and resistance.

I'm going through a very difficult phase. It's much harder in many ways than anything which came before, and at the time, those things seemed pretty tough. Especially the dark night before first path. Now practice is taking me to task in deeper ways, the rubber is hitting the road.

July 18, 2012

Last night got caught up in anger and resentment. There was sleepiness and a feeling of being overwhelmed with responsibilities. I didn't care about mindfulness. I went out and sat on the sidewalk cross-legged. Awareness re-asserted itself and calm returned. It seems like the calm yogi who never sweats the small stuff is gone, was he ever really there? I've been pretty irritable and judgmental lately, and yet there is still some kind of detachment too at times.

July 19, 2012
51 minutes

Another quiet sit with lots of tranquility. Again there is a sense of being stuck, caught up in the mind's drama. Something is wanted '“ what? Maybe just not what's happening. Bare attention, surrendering to the moment, acceptance, whatever '“ these got traction for periods of time but never led to being dis-embedded. Looking at the feeling that things are happening to me and there was doubt surrounding that '“ not doubt about a permanent, fixed self, but doubt about annata. (So much for the truism about losing such doubt at stream entry). Feeling unskilled and a little frustrated.

July 20, 2012
60 minutes

Tension and mind seething with this and that. Misery, grief and fear. Pain in the left side of the chest. I don't know if it's path related heart opening stuff, or if there is really a medical problem. I did metta for about ten minutes and then all this guilt came up about harming and killing beings. I accidentally stepped on a slug this morning and killed it. I asked for forgiveness for all the harm I ever caused, both intentional and unintentional, lethal or nonlethal, to anyone or anything, at any time or place. I asked to be led into ways of non-harming and this released a flood of grief and the tension largely dissipated. But all of this seems much deeper than just stepping on one slug. I don't know who or what I'm asking for forgiveness.

Then back to vipassana, this time noting as densely and quickly as I could. Mostly have not been noting at all, or just doing it very sparsely. Concentration became very strong with this and so did physical tension in the head. I'm feeling very unawakened, very lost, and like I can't really even say anything or do anything about it. I feel like a complete beginner again, who strangely 'knows' how to meditate. It seems like something deep and powerful wants to be fully known, and I don't have the strength to face it.

July 21, 2012
37 minutes

Last night I went for a walk and practiced self-inquiry. The question that really grabs me and gets the sense of the witness going is 'what is awareness?' and then 'what is it that's aware?' This opened up a lot of space around the crap churning around in the mind. I'm also inquiring into space with questions like 'what is 'over there'?', or just 'what is space?'. Otherwise there was the persistent tightness/tingling in the forehead and crown. This is pretty uncomfortable, and seems to be present most of the time, although constantly varying in intensity, etc.

Today I sat and continued self-inquiry while doing so. This brought up ever more subtle aspects of mind, again with a feeling of things opening up. At one point there seemed to be a pretty strong signal of going from 3 characteristics through A&P and dissolution. I wasn't interested in this however. This sit was more relaxed and 'in the moment'; with investigation and interest than most of the other recent ones. The struggle is still going on but there was more 'detachment'.

July 22, 2012
50 minutes

There was an intention to investigate. I kept turning toward any unpleasant experience, noticing the sensations which comprised them. There was tiredness, apprehension, laziness (wanting to turn away and space out in the tranquility), and agitation with future planning, etc.

There was a fair level of calm and equanimity throughout. I didn't really notice any cycling, and again wasn't very interested in looking for it.

July 23, 2012
45 minutes

The sit seemed much longer than it was. Started off with anxiety and tension and this quickly settled down in a deep, relaxed calm as I investigated the sensations of every mind state or emotion which arose. Thinking quieted down, yet the mind's storytelling really went on, unabated. Whenever a little tiredness was evident, this tendency increased and a few times led to wandering.

Otherwise a deeper stillness was touched, and there was interest in seeing the sensations which comprised pleasant states as well. I felt grateful about impermanence.

July 24, 2012
57 minutes

Began with an intention to just be with whatever God or Being presented. Now in hindsight there is a little confusion, because what was most clearly seen was dependent origination '“ and awareness and object as one. I guess I was looking for God and just seeing awareness continually arising and passing away. At times it did seem to be that things were arising and passing within awareness. There is some grasping here after a metaphysical solution.

The sit was very tranquil with strong concentration. At the end there was still a little tension in the throat, but otherwise tension largely passed away and the chakra points had feelings of pressure and very fine tingling or vibrations. This was pleasant for once, and the feeling of vibratory well being extended to the upper body as well. Part of the sit seemed to move through the ñanas from cause and effect through the A&P and seemingly beyond '“ the cycling signals weren't so evident after this. But further on there seemed to be a very soft cessation, followed by subtle relief and joy. If so, then this is the second time this has happened since second path review. But I really have no idea if I'm still in review (say phase or if third path has started already. Not too concerned about it either.

July 25, 2012
34 minutes

Another sit which seemed longer than it was. A thick, tense feeling mostly centered in the head. There was torpor and apparently resistance, but a willingness to keep coming back and investigating. Another small insight into how the mind creates a sense of space. The tension was breaking up by the end, but there was still a lot of tiredness.