MikeR's practice

June 7, 2012
45 minutes vipassana

Last night was the third night in a row I missed a lot of sleep because of 'automatic mindfulness' and energy. Things seemed to be arising and passing so quickly and in spite of being exhausted, attention just locked onto it. Even a resolve to 'not practice' didn't help. Again there was a telescoping effect into deep clarity and waves of fine tingling energy rushing through the body and up 'out' the top of the head. I noted aversion to missing sleep, and things not being as I want them.

There was fear my health would suffer, and this morning that morphed into a pervasive existential fear not unlike the 6th ñana, albeit seen through a lens of equanimity. Mindfulness was difficult and thoughts and feelings were pretty sticky. During the sit things calmed down and by paying bare attention and examining the 3 characteristics of each object, some 'de-attachment' took place. There is still a fear or phobia about experiencing cessation, along with a strong sense of needing to go there. Fatigue tends to muddy the waters for me and make things a lot stickier, but I looked at the sensations and objects which make up this fear as best I could. I don't know what's going on here.

"There is still a fear or phobia about experiencing cessation, along with a strong sense of needing to go there."

Yes. This is not much discussed here but it's a real phenomenon. I experienced cessation before knowing what it was and it was so frightening that I stopped meditating for a while. Cessation is a Big Deal but, really, it's not. Yet... there is fear and trepidation about it that cannot be denied or ignored.

Good for you for talking about it.

"I experienced cessation before knowing what it was and it was so frightening that I stopped meditating for a while."

Ditto for not knowing what they were, but for me the fear happened after understanding what they were. Stream entry sneaked up on me, and only after talking to Ron for the first time did I become aware of the pattern while sitting (A&P through EQ, then cessation). I had a couple of "big" cessations then, on consecutive days - and although overcome with relief, joy, and gratitude, they became scary for me - what IS that? Very strange experience to be sure. It was at this point I was certain this path was for real, in spite of some really profound insights before SE. After all, the A&P alone has enough mystery and "wow" factor to really rock anyone's world. It also gives yogis plenty to conceptualize about. But what can we say about nirvana?

June 8, 2012
50 minutes vipassana

Better rested today. Watched feeling tone, which was unpleasant with anything perceived to be uncomfortable, no matter how trifling. This helped foster calm, and the sit more or less unfolded as a progressive release of tensions. There was some re-observation-like cycling near the beginning of the sit. Lots of fine vibrations, especially in the head and upper body. The almost omnipresent tightness in the scalp area is still here, along with a pressure in the forehead.

More fear of cessation arose and I studied this carefully. The mind's attempt to rationalize it... 'you've experienced cessations before.' Dispassion arose toward this. Then I recalled my former teacher telling me that fear was conditioned by craving and I could immediately see the connection '“ aversion and craving, driven by feeling tone, are driving this experience of fear. As for the part ignorance plays, well I guess I just have to keep investigating.

After a spell I just watched the constantly arising mind and thoughts. This was much like the A&P without the other phenomena of that stage. Attention widened to all of experience, and everything was happening so fast that I just watched or used sparse noting, although at one point I noted some rapid pulses 'that that that', etc. There arose a strong sense of how oppressive this all is. Experience seemed to be blinking in and out very swiftly '“ constantly vibrating in and out of existence, sometimes seemingly random and choppy. I just surrendered to the flow and mostly observed feeling tone.

"But what can we say about nirvana?"

I've probably said way too freakin' much about it over the last few years

It's someone else's turn.

"
"But what can we say about nirvana?"


"

I like what this book: Small Boat, Great Mountain; Theravādan Reflections on The Natural Great Perfection by Ajahn Amaro has to say about 'nirvana'.

www.abhayagiri.org/main/book/138

"But what can we say about nirvana?"

Thanks for the responses, but that was meant to be a rhetorical question

Re: Small Boat, Great Mountain
Nikolai, the chapter about cessation is just the medicine I needed, thank-you for posting that link.

June 9, 2012
~60 minutes vipassana and metta

This morning when the thought of cessation arose, I related to it with more calm and acceptance, even happiness. My teacher gave me stronger medicine a little later, reminding me to meet this difficulty with compassion. The formal sit was rather structureless, flowing from straight vipassana, to ships in the harbor, to metta and back again. A pleasant, lucid calm prevailed. There is still a lot of subtle resistance, but I was able to meet this with kindness.

A goldfinch flew overhead, calling. I noticed attention zooming to the silences between its notes. Later, after my eyes had opened, the visual field was bright, with a luminous, vibrating quality.

June 10, 2012
~60 minutes vipassana and metta

The sit started off pretty rough, things were very sticky. Trudging along in first gear opened things up. Later, as the day progressed, there was more of a sense of just watching things happening, and of the selflessness of thoughts and emotions. The day just kind of blew up in my face, but I went with it. By the evening, all the selfing thoughts which had seemed so oppressive before were just being accepted.

June 12, 2012
55 and 45 minutes vipassana

Another tough session. Miserable really '“ likely fatigue played a big part. Something I've noticed before was clearer to see though, this was attention 'lunging' out toward objects. Each time it did this it caused tension in the body somewhere '“ usually the throat, face, head, etc. I was able to just let this go when I noticed it, though, but I don't know how. Pretty cool.

Later while trying to take a nap on the couch the mind just 'zoomed' into powerful concentration just as I was drifting off. So I just went with it and meditated. This has been happening for the past week now, often when laying down to rest. It's a new phenomenon in my experience.

June 13, 2012
70 minutes vipassana

There were nearly constant tingles/vibrations and these were very fine. They were all over the body but most noticeably the upper body. There was pulsing, pressure, and that that that. Noted objects included irritation, impatience, happiness, peace, compassion, craving, thinking, aversion, sense of 'I', feeling tones, body sensations, hearing. Far along some subtle ill-will was noted. I've had a blind spot to that hindrance lately. 'I see you' the mind noted, and then, 'thank-you', followed by feelings of gratitude.

It could be seen how the sense of 'I' is created in clinging to formations, especially unpleasant ones in my case '“ that sense that 'something yucky is happening to me'. There was nearly constant pushing and pulling of craving and aversion '“ it was fascinating to see how the mind is always looking for something, and is not satisfied with rest.

June 14, 2012
60 minutes vipassana

This sit was much like yesterday's. Perhaps there was a greater willingness to just let things be. Things were very quiet and movements of mind subtle. Happiness, metta, and compassion arose too. A little boring actually, which was noted as 'wanting something to happen'. Near the end, when I sensed it might be time to check the clock, there was resistance to doing that. This often arises near the end of a 'good' sit '“ an unwillingness to let go of the tranquility. It hasn't been so strong in recent weeks.

June 15, 2012
30+ minutes vipassana

The sit progressed through ever deeper stages of relaxing tensions. Clinging to these (the feeling of 'I') was observed and let go. At some points I just noted 'cognized', 'felt', 'sensed', etc. It seems that seeing deeper into the mind reveals yet more layers of resistance '“ and to what and why? The resistance either faded or was held in kindness, it would invariably fade after that. Investigation was strong, very fine tingles still present.

In the past few days there may have been a shift, or maybe I'm just better rested. But last night after working out I walked home and seemed to be in high EQ. Very relaxed and everything seemed to glow, there was a fascination with seeing and looking. Some of this may have been endorphins, dunno', but there was quite a bit of dis-identification.

June 16, 2012
45 minutes vipassana

This sit began with a strong feeling of just wanting to let go. Last night, after discovering that a cat had killed all the baby chickadees in a nest box in the yard, I discovered one of the advantages of stream entry '“ no matter how intense the grief and anger, I just could not believe what the mind and feelings were telling me '“ even though I could find no answer to make sense of the senseless.

This morning as I gathered up the body of one of the chicks, I reflected on how virtually everything one can do is dukkha: trying is dukkha, wanting any thing or circumstance is dukkha. I told my wife 'the mind is reaching out to blame but there is no single cause'. I couldn't get all the ants off the chick's corpse, so these were unintentionally harmed by being sealed up in a trash bag. We felt like we should clean it all up so our young daughter wouldn't be upset...I contemplated how often we do harm in intending to do good. I realized how much suffering arises in just keeping one of us alive.

Back to the sit. I can't really say what happened beyond that there was calm, there was compassion, and the hindrances were welcomed wholeheartedly. These vanished upon acceptance. There was a soft fade and quick blip, immediately followed by a brighter, even more awake consciousness. There was the recognition 'that's it'. It was followed by an enormous sense of relief, and over a short time this grew until it felt like a huge burden had been thrown off. Joy and gratitude also arose, and then I had to stop the sit because I was overcome. The image of the killer cat arose in the mind and any animosity had been replaced by forgiveness and compassion. So this looks like second path fruition, but I'll wait and see how things shake out before claiming it.

This sounds like a path. See what happens as you sit in the next week - are you in review?

Wow. Awesome stuff. I am staying tuned!

June 17, 2012
60 minutes vipassana

Yesterday evening I went for a walk and it was mostly 'in the seen is only the seen..' - this was delicious; selfing was clearly seen and it was okay, there was no sense of agency or doing. This 'hangover' was weakened but still present this morning. I sat outside this afternoon and things started off with lots of agitation, but this was pretty low key and pushed down into the background. It took a long time to settle down. A lot of craving for seeing a new pattern and experiencing cessation again. There was worry about scripting, what to report, doubt about attaining a path, etc.

There sort of seemed to be a pattern from the outset, but really things didn't get more interesting and definite until quite some time passed. Then concentration deepened and a definite A&P happened. This lasted longer than expected, but then moved into dissolution (marked by 'catching the tiger by the tail') and then a pretty good fear ñana arose, then misery - where concentration zoomed in and got even stronger; then disgust; the rest of them including re-observation just flew by and then low EQ followed by high EQ.

Then it started to rain so I stopped. No obvious cessation (there was possibly a very subtle one before the more obvious A&P), but this is how it went for me after stream entry too....(only sometimes experiencing cessation at the end of each cycle). So...this is looking like review, but more study needed.

Wonderful news! I'm looking forward to hashing it out in more detail next time we skype, but this sounds very promising.

June 18, 2012
55 minutes vipassana

This sit also began with a fair amount of agitation, excitement and craving for certainty about path attainment. This is the shadow side of using maps, IMO. But the A&P arose nearly right away and then I marched up through the ñanas to EQ. All the while thoughts and worries about scripting arose, yet I could not deny the experience. Again there was no obvious cessation, but there were numerous little blips as if awareness was constantly re-setting itself '“ no other phenomena of cessation though. These were very subtle however, and I can't say what they really were.

After a spell, where I kept remembering to just be still with whatever was arising, the whole sequence started over. A&P just took over and I had a sense of 'I am not in control', even though 'I' kept trying to take over and muck things up. Compassion arose frequently during this sit as the mind creating suffering was observed. This time around, the ñana of fear was more like mild apprehension, than the anxiety to near panic it usually has been for me.

At the end of the second sequence, in EQ, there was a tiny, very subtle, and rapid little shift '“ again with a sense of a reset. The question arose 'is that it?', then, 'that's it', followed by subtle relief and happiness. Knowing how suggestible the mind is however, I'm having doubts about attaining path '“ in spite of the seeming obvious cycling going on. Maybe I'm stuck on the concept that it's only a path if you have a big thunkin' cessation. There does seem to be a shift of some sort '“ but it's only been a couple of days. Jury is still out.

Though my first few cessations were of the big thunkin' variety, they quickly became far, far less noticeable. If the first few were like driving over a cliff the subsequent ones were like driving over a garden hose.

Thanks for the observation, Chris. Do you mean you only experienced "thunkin'" cessations at first path, and the other paths were marked by more subtle ones? Or did you experience dramatic ones at the attainment of each path followed by more subtle ones in review? I'm trying to get a handle on the potential range of experience here.

The one a couple of days ago was pretty soft and subtle, but it had all the same signs as the more dramatic ones around first path. A fade out (blue and darker) followed by a re-boot (golden and brighter). The sense of a great weight being thrown off my chest and shoulders was palpable. This one today was even more subtle and it could have been easily overlooked if I was spaced out...or maybe they never happen unless we're paying attention? A quick blip, after which consciousness is brighter/clearer than before is the best way I can describe it.

I was referring to first path cessations in my comment. Subsequent paths presented very different kinds of cessations. For a while along the paths I could call them up at will and in quick succession. Blip, blip, blip, blip, blip. There was a certain spot inside my head that when looked at from behind my eyes (when rolled up into my forehead) seemed to generate them.

Thanks for the clarification.

June 19, 2012
35 minutes vipassana

Since yesterday there's been a heightened state of awareness. Objects, especially selfing thoughts and 'attitude filters' are mostly seen clearly, any aversion is met with patience and compassion '“ and seen for what it really is. This morning I awoke and was in the A&P. There are still some obsessive mapping thoughts arising, but a lot of dispassion too, thus I'm not caring so much 'where I'm at'. And that feels good.

Later during the sit the A&P arose again at the start, in spite of resistance. I'm just so 'sure' this is all scripting and wishful thinking; but again the A&P just took over and the only stress free way was to go with it. The mind kept arising and passing away with each object '“ 'now this, now that, oh, and this...' is how I usually note this. Then things became murkier '“ there was a lot of sleepiness from short rations last night. I passed through a more difficult section and then it opened up into a soft calm equanimity. But concentration was relatively poor because of fatigue. Paradoxically, my general concentration and mindfulness has never been stronger, and it feels more relaxed and open too.

June 20, 2012
76 minutes vipassana/metta

Well things have gotten interesting again. Someone once said that the search for awakening ends when the seeker is finally tired of looking. I guess I'm not tired yet. Last night I stared at a kasina for a little while and wow! The interest in this object was very strong, and concentration rapidly developed. This was unlike my attempts to use a kasina last year.

There has been a definite shift. I'm no longer in Equanimity and reactivity has increased since being in that state. I almost lost my cool over something yesterday, and that hasn't happened in I don't know how long. Just like around the time SE happened, concentration has gotten even stronger. The predominant feeling of the past few days is dispassion '“ a revulsion to any kind of reification of identity.

Continued below...