MikeR's practice

The sit began with a lot of agitation, and it seemed that the ñanas passed very quickly. I mean, it seemed like there was an A&P, but I dunno', it flew by. Confusion. Fear, misery, and disgust were obvious and I spent a bit of time with each of them. There was resistance, but concentration became very strong at this point too. Then I moved into an extended stay in Re-observation, so long in fact, that lots of mapping thoughts and confusion arose. Concentration got even stronger so that I thought I'd moved into Equanimity, but no, still Re-observation. Got a good look at the sense of 'I', the sense it's all happening to poor me - so oppressive!

Then finally a state of equanimity arose and all the hindrances seemed pushed way into the background, except restlessness. This quieted down but remained present. Concentration became very powerful and the mind began to fall into absorption. For the first time in my life I could actually see this happening if I let it. The strength and depth of this really surprised me. Made a resolution to abide there for only an hour - but I have a child to look after today, and so would not permit it to develop. But sounds started to seem very distant and slow, and after noting resistance to jhana (which felt like a big ball of tension in the head/neck area) there was calm. Kept doing vipassana, then switched to metta. This tended to further the concentration. After some debate about whether to continue sitting or not, the eyes just popped open and I stopped.

June 21, 2012

This morning I lay in bed and the thought 'cessation' arose, and then - reset, relief, joy. It was like a softer version of the second path cessation, a quick subtle fade, blip, reboot. And then another one, and another - I lost count. I don't know how this happened, other than inclining the mind there and letting go. There appeared to be very rapid cycling through the ñanas until a cessation. At other times 'I called' them up quickly, one after the other, like riffing on a guitar. Some of these, especially the last few, had more of the quality of my first path cessations. Almost like awareness folding over on itself. The past several days have felt like someone flipped a switch in my brain. The doubt about attaining a path has vanished. Yet the whole idea of 'getting' something causes revulsion to arise.

June 21, 2012
46 minutes vipassana

Began the sit in the 4th ñana. This lasted for a while, along with strong interest and concentration. The resistance to experiencing it was gone, replaced by acceptance. Then dissolution seemed to hang around for a bit too, but the rest of the dukkha ñanas were only marked by agitation, except re-observation, which flew by with a quick, subtle cycle of fear/misery/dispassion.

Then what was presumably EQ arose. This was marked by the hindrances being strongly suppressed and the arising of jhana factors '“ pleasure, tranquility, a sense of ease and well being in the body, even agitation was pushed way down - this is unusual for me. The sense of 'in the heard is only the heard, in the sensed is only the sensed, etc.' was very strong. Attention went easily from close focus to a broader view, but awareness most wanted to take in everything at once. It was expansive, gently holding all sensory experience. Waves of energy pulsed up through the body at times, strong but gentle. The mind veered toward absorption again and I just played with it, zooming around.

At one point some unwholesome thoughts arose, of the sort my mind is often riffing on - what else could I think about? Gratitude arose, so I reflected on everything there is to be thankful for '“ a good teacher, good advice from others, my wife's support of this practice, etc. Finally the only prominent tension in the body was the contraction of muscles making a smile.

June 22, 2012
60 minutes

Started out with a blue kasina with a black border. I kept a playful attitude about this. It would get darker in the center, with a brighter blue corona forming on one side or another, around the edges. Sometimes the black border seemed to invade and make the whole disk black. Then it often disappeared completely. Or it would split into two disks, side by side with a constantly varying gap between them. Sometimes this was as wide as the disk. This remained relatively stable for short periods. Concentration was very strong from looking at the disk, but kind of edgy. It was almost too much. When I closed my eyes an orange fiery ball appeared but it was not stable, and quickly vanished.

Then I just sat. I watched the tensions arising from wanting something to happen. Things were pretty murky, but after a while torpor was noted. This broke up, and then there were low levels of agitation to sit with. The edginess wore off and there was greater peace. Nothing much seemed to happen.

June 23, 2012
45 minutes vipassana

The sit began in a fairly agitated A&P (that just doesn't seem right!) but settled down, then became murky and agitated again (probably the dukkha ñanas); and then EQ '“ this all happened fairly quickly, perhaps within 5-10 minutes. Then all attention, or energy, I dunno' what, just seemed to flow up to the head and expand outward. Ron told me how to do this, to try and access the 5th jhana. But it just seemed to happen all by itself, without 'me' doing anything. This state was fairly stable. It felt like my head was a balloon which constantly wanted to float upward. Then it broke up and things contracted (6th jhana?) and finally it was probably equanimity again '“ but there was a very light feeling to the concentration and the head.

After awhile this feeling of flow up to the head and outward began again. It was a little stronger but less stable. My head started involuntarily tilting backwards. There was also a lot of spaciness and mind wandering during this sit, a lot more than is usual for me.

June 24, 2012
57 minutes vipassana

I drew a kasina with blue chalk on the back porch, and used that to get things going. Closed my eyes after a few minutes and was in the A&P. Moved up to EQ and then thought 'space is infinite' as a way to get into the 5th vipassana jhana. This seemed to work '“ a similar feeling of attention moving up and out of the head arose - and the head began to feel as though it was floating off. There was a tight, vibratory feeling in the forehead and the top of the head. Sounds such as bird calls and a neighbor hammering and sawing seemed to be contained in a vast space. Concentration was strong but it had a very light feeling to it.

After a while this changed, and I don't know what jhana it was for sure; but there was a lot of equanimity. I watched the mind's ceaseless attempts to reach out and bother things, and compassion arose once or twice in response to dukkha, but this was all very, very subtle. Then this 5th jhana type experience happened again, and was better defined '“ didn't seem so 'weird' or uncomfortable, if that makes sense.

After this, again not sure what's going on (map-wise) but concentration good and stable. Then there was a subtle fruition followed by relief and joy. Then the A&P started up again, and I really had a clear sense of the different 'flavor' of the mind state '“ its quality was notably different than the more rarefied states which had preceded it. Interest and investigation was very strong during this sit. Special attention given to what I call 'the sense of 'I'' - and this always broke down into nothing more than a feeling tone, in combination with an emotion and/or very subtle thoughts. It appears to be maintained by craving/clinging (surprise!).

June 25, 2012
60 minutes

This sit was all over the place. Started with a yellow kasina, and this drew out strong and edgy concentration right away. Again it was almost too much. Then I closed the eyes and did self inquiry. This strengthened and mellowed the concentration. Then there was more of the feeling of attention all going up into the head, with the sensation of the head constantly lifting upward. There were a couple of phases of this, but in neither case did awareness feel vast and spacious. One time the mouth just opened up wide and stayed that way for several moments '“ when I wanted to close it, it just pushed itself open again. This happened once before. I get the feeling 'something' is trying to tell me i'm not in charge...

During first path review there was plenty of confusion and shifting about, but I spent an afternoon feeling like it was done, finished '“ even though I knew it was just beginning. Never had that feeling this time around, just the confusion.

Don't worry. It only gets more confusing at this point. But lots of things to be learned in all of that confusion as I am discovering myself as well.

Thanks for the encouragement Russell!

June 26, 2012

Last night the confusion peaked in a bout of depression and self-pity. It was an ego storm. I wanted to do something, and I knew it was selfing and dukkha, but I didn't understand until there was the realization that it was unwholesome. That I should only do it if compassion was the motive. No, it was reenforcing the self and wanting to become something, which was the motive. When this was clearly seen the intense agitation and depression (and torpor!) started to lose its grip. This became very clear after practicing self inquiry for a bit. There was insight into annata, and the strong attachment to the thinking process that's still here. Clarity and detachment arose. I could also see how attachment to the map and 'where I am' on it is causing a lot of stress. Even this journal keeping, this daily story telling of 'my' practice has a danger to it '“ reenforcing the tendency to identify with activity, experience, and attainment.

It's not all angst though. When I arrived at the clubhouse for a workout yesterday, they had closed early for some reason. There wasn't the slightest upset over this, I just went for a long walk instead. Listening to John Peacock talk about the rise of the Mahayana, Nagarjuna, and Sunyata. Good stuff.

There was another little fruition followed by relief when I was in bed and trying to get to sleep. Also just slipped into 5th jhana (?) territory by inclining the mind there, this had a light, open quality. For the past two nights I've had vivid dreams where the practice essentially continues while sleeping. The first of these was just continually letting go of every moment of experience as it arose, every time clinging began, I let go. Funny how that didn't carry over into the day (yesterday)!

June 26, 2012
65 minutes vipassana

This was a sit from hell. Tension and misery. No technique would gain traction. This felt like some of the worst re-observation sits I've experienced. Tension, torpor, nausea. Trying to do anything made it worse '“ even surrendering. I wanted to quit. After 35 minutes I just lay down, I couldn't stand sitting anymore even though that wasn't physically uncomfortable in itself. The laying down helped. A calm state arose, where the tension and nausea disappeared. Thoughts were still sticky though, and there was spaciness and mind wandering. All this in contrast to some of the clearest insights yet into clinging to views about the self, thinking, etc. - these are occurring off cushion. What a roller-coaster ride.

June 27, 2012
60 minutes vipassana

This morning the misery continued. The sit began with the 4th ñana and the misery and resistance dropped off for a bit before arising again in the dukkha ñanas, especially re-observation. I just kept chugging along in first gear. Noting was faster and more dense than I normally do, and this seemed to help. I mostly just used generic words like 'that', 'this', etc.

Then moved fairly quickly into equanimity. Here the misery was still present, and I kept turning attention to it. A few times I asked it to tell me about itself. Really strong, persistent aversion. Eventually this changed and compassion and pleasant feelings arose. Then the state shifted to where attention was all up in the head, which again felt like it wanted to keep rising upward. I've been assuming this is the 5th vipassana jhana; but be that as it may, I noted attempts to 'see' or experience infinite space. Nevertheless a sense of vast space was present anyway, with sounds having a rich, crisp quality, and with the reverb knob turned up. This went on for a while and the aversion continued to arise, but much fainter now. Kept turning toward it. Then the state shifted again, the spaciousness was still there, but there was a definite sense of attention returning 'in close'.

During the equanimity phase a little spider started to build a web on my nose. The tickling/itching was excruciating, but I sat with it until it started making for the mouth. Then I flicked the little one off and removed its web. I wonder how many other yogis have collected cobwebs!

June 28, 2012
30 minutes vippassana

Yesterday afternoon and evening peaked with a crescendo of misery and depression. The strength of this I haven't known in years. It was overwhelming, and I was barely functional. It felt like the mind was literally being torn apart. Fortunately none of it bled over to people around me. Stuff is getting stirred up.

This morning I felt much better and meditated for about half an hour before getting out of bed. This began with the A&P, and I realized right away that the misery of the past few days has been caused by not letting go to how things really are (duh!). There's a part or function in the mind that just doesn't want to know anything about arising and passing away '“ and the resistance has been there since attaining a path. Every time the A&P began there would be resistance - recognizing this I surrendered to the moment/s. Compassion arose, and most of the meditation was spent in clear, relaxed state, letting go of the moment. Focus on body sensations seemed to help a lot. I was again able to see how thoughts and feelings were not any more important than other objects.

June 28, 2012
60 minutes vipassana/metta

Again facing the resistance and painful aversion to experience. This has been there since starting practice a couple of years ago. Last winter, before SE, I began to address it more directly, with bare attention. It seems almost as if I'm now confronting it in deeper more subtle forms '“ and that with greater sensitivity available now, it's hitting harder than ever. But that's a story...perhaps it points to what is happening.

In spite of the insights of this morning, this sit began with starting over '“ patiently applying attention to sensations. Peace and calm developed, but over and over I examined the sensations, feeling tones, thoughts, etc., and these were mostly unpleasant '“ this is 'my' argument with reality. After a while more neutral and pleasant feelings were noticed.

Although peacefulness arose, it wasn't until I began metta that the last bit of stress fell away (at least what I could notice).

June 29, 2012
65 minutes vipassana

This sit was much like yesterday. I kept pursuing the tension, as ever deeper levels of relaxation were reached. It started out with a general tightness in the head/neck/chest with a lot of pressure in the head. This morphed into the tight and tingly scalp and forehead sensations that are nearly constant companions at times. These relaxed somewhat and the tension seemed strongest in the jaws.

I kept examining the sensations and all the constantly changing parts that made them up. There was some spaciness and torpor, and acceptance of these. Investigation finally revealed grief underlying the misery and tension. A wave of sorrow washed over me, and it was cathartic.

June 30, 2012
60 minutes

Again sitting with a lot of tightness and tension, mostly in the head. The body progressively relaxed fairly quickly, but the nearly constant tension I experience in the head was the main object for most of the sit. There were very fine vibrations or tingles associated with this, especially about the forehead and scalp. As this tension started to relax a little, most of the tension then became evident in the jaws, and the left side of the face. Finally a 5th jhana type experience developed '“ with attention (or 'energy') feeling like it was going up and out of the head. This was followed by what may have been the 6th jhana.

Neither of these two states lasted very long today, but most of the tension was gone with their arising.Then I began contemplating everything I had to be thankful for. This caused happiness to arise and the last of the tension to disappear. This was followed by metta extended to all beings. Images of people who have helped me in some way came to mind as this was practiced.

June 30, 2012
30 minutes vipassana

Sat upright on a hard chair without leaning on the backrest. I was pretty tired and payed attention to the effort required to keep sitting up. Then while listening for ships in the harbor, I attended the uncomfortable sensations in the head. A flicker (a kind of woodpecker) called outside and an image of one formed in the mind. There was a fascination with cause and effect, and the sense of impersonality of thoughts was strong. A memory of an illustration of a flicker arose, along with the name of the artist who painted it, and so on.

Then the feeling tones of the head sensations seemed to jump into awareness '“ there was great interest in watching the tone change from neutral to unpleasant and back again. I've never seen it so clearly, and as it was watched the tensions dissolved. Pleasant feelings arose around this small insight.

July 3, 2012

I needed a little break so I skipped formal sits for the past couple of days. The intense misery and tension of the past week have largely dissipated. I think what has been going on is that the realization that there is no 'I' in control of this life has become much clearer. It seems to have been a negative reaction to the recent path moment. The increased feeling of 'groundlessness'- no center '“ has been very disorienting. The main lesson so far is to keep holding all experience in awareness - keep practicing with patience.

July 3, 2012
55 minutes vipassana

Mostly first foundation to start with, then the second for a brief time. There was a lot of equanimity toward the unpleasant feeling tones. I can't really say anything about cycles here, there was an A&P later in the sit but otherwise equanimity seemed to develop pretty quickly. There was a soft cessation and joy began to build slowly after this.

Then, instead of starting some new cycle it seemed that a 5th jhana type space opened up. Access concentration became very strong, and strong equanimity remained throughout the sit. Attention moved in closer (6th jhana?) and there was a lot of investigation, energy, calm, and a gentle happiness. The same uncomfortable sensations in the head were present, but the mind wasn't obsessed (clinging to) with them like last week. They tended to diffuse or disappear, and they were accompanied by very fine vibrations.

July 4, 2012

Yesterday evening while practicing self inquiry there arose a strong identification with awareness. This was more complete than it had ever been before '“ in spite of this kind of practice leading to non-dual experiences in the past. It felt delicious, delightful to just 'be' awareness. I've had a tough time with this kind of practice because I just don't see awareness as 'me' most of time. After all, I can see it and name it, and it's impermanent.

I watched a short video of Adyashanti talking about 'egoic' consciousness maintaining itself through resistance, and I instantly saw this and began riffing on it - it became very easy to see. I watched contentious thinking arising and repeatedly let it go. There was a powerful sense of right now being all there is, and a relaxed resting in the moment. Later on as sleepiness came on stronger it was easier to slip into the wandering mind, but awareness would come back with happiness.

There was a sense of spaciousness to awareness, like it was everywhere and nowhere all at once. I don't think I can quite find the words to adequately describe this.

July 4, 2012
63 minutes vipassana

I sat watching the same kinds of aversion and tension which is repeatedly arising in my experience, but there was very strong equanimity and calm from the outset. So all this stuff was very subtle. I had to rouse up investigation because tranquility was so pervasive. Happiness arose quite a bit. I've been noticing the mind creating a sense of space in the past few weeks or so, and this came up again while sitting. I'm starting to get curious about how the mind does this '“ it seems memory (learned responses) play a role.

There was a 5th jhana type phase which started with a feeling of energy going up and out of the top of the head, which felt tight and tingly. Then attention just seemed to follow it, and it felt like I was 'leaking' out of the crown. The head kept wanting to rise to the point of starting to lean back involuntarily. I don't know if it was before, during, or after this that I became aware of tension being caused because of worry about my uncle approving of me or not. This was let go. There was also a small insight into all 'forms' (states, thoughts, whatever) being dukkha.

July 5, 2012
65 minutes vipassana/metta

This sit was somewhat similar to yesterday. There was more active investigation though. I have no idea what's going on map wise however, no pattern of ñanas is jumping out at me. There was a lot of equanimity, but mind states and thinking were strangely sticky. Awareness seemed to expand and contract slowly '“ sounds were rich and crisp. I followed the sound of a passing airplane and was surprised at how long I could continue to hear it as the noise faded. Then another noise arose and consciousness arose again in that moment with perceptions, thoughts, etc. - the airplane sound ceased.

At one point I had a strong insight into the mind creating experience with all these sensory inputs and mental formations. There was often subtle resistance, and this didn't drop off until I began practicing metta. Then happiness arose, concentration deepened, and a real sense of how my happiness and well being were intimately connected with the well being and happiness of all others. Metta is a powerful practice for me, but I often resist doing it for some reason. Afterward I continued vipassana for a few minutes and sensory/mental experience was looking empty.

July 6, 2012
30 minutes vipassana

This was a guided meditation in just letting things be, combined with self inquiry. Relaxation and a broad, spacious awareness developed.

62 minutes vipassana

There was equanimity throughout this sit and I just kept coming back to awareness of total experience. Occasionally followed a sound or sensation (like an insect crawling on my arm) to its cessation. There was more acceptance of tension and unpleasant thoughts and feelings than usual. Then the realization arose that much of the resistance was due to feeling like I was in over my head '“ I started this quest for awakening with many of the same misconceptions that most people have about it. Seriously, I had the vague notion that by the time second path was attained I'd spend the rest of my life walking around with a beatific smile on my face, like Thich Nhat Hanh or something!

What followed was a series of mind pictures showing all the roles I identify with; father, husband, lover, brother, artist, yogi, etc. and these were not me '“ whoever I am. There was relief as each of these was seen and let go. Then more confusion...well who am I? Further on experiences of 'suchness' kept breaking in, and the time was spent watching consciousness or mind constantly arising and passing away '“ but otherwise this didn't have the same feeling or 'taste' of the A&P (at least as I've known until now). Each instant showed how the entire experience is constantly being re-fabricated by sensory input and mind. I also was more aware than usual of the tension caused by seeking. A gentle joy arose during the latter part of the sit.

July 7, 2012
54 minutes vipassana/metta

Watching one mind state after another come and go, each with its own story. These often very subtle, there is nothing to hold on to here, nothing to believe. Even the dispassion which arose toward all this is just another story. The mind's capacity to generate this stuff is seemingly inexhaustible. And with tranquility present it was still churning deeply in the background. Joy, sorrow, aversion, wanting, expecting, defining, doubting; there was much equanimity and letting go.

July 8, 2012
45 minutes vipassana

I don't remember much from this sit, except that I picked a fight with my wife after it was done (?!!). We very rarely fight and usually communicate well, but we were both having a bad day '“ we spoke past each other instead of to each other. Later in the day there was heavy torpor, and I realized I'd been acting out some old passive aggressive behavior patterns. This surprised me because I had become very conscious of these tendencies in the past few years and have had a lot of success in not acting out of them.