Howards Practice # 3

I can't post on my old thread, I think I may have maxed it out in terms of numbers of entries. Anybody know if this is possible?

Any way

3rd July
9.30am, 30mins
It looks like normal service has been resumed. This session was soft, peaceful and expansive, even though I feel poptasticly awful this morning. Just sensations happening, nice.

11.30, 1hr
The first half was the same as the above; the second half had more of a fear/misery/disgust feel. I am talking about the general tone now. Individual nyanas cycle through and I am constantly noticing changes in feeling tone, expansion, contraction, clarity, drowsiness etc. it's just that I have no interest in nailing the exact progression down at the moment.

Not sure what happened, but I noticed that the word wrap on the last entries was off, had to scroll over to read it all. I don't think you maxed out because other threads are longer. Odd.

"I can't post on my old thread, I think I may have maxed it out in terms of numbers of entries. Anybody know if this is possible?"

No, that's not possible. I'll look into it, though.

I can't post to your old thread either and I have admin rights. Best to do just what you did - start a new one.

Sigh. More WetPaint foo.

Thanks for looking into it guys, but hey nobody died right? Thanks again.

4th July
8.30am, 30mins
So so. Same as yesterday, a mixed bag.

11am, 1hr
Consciousness appears to blip out on a regular basis. Often this is hidden behind a snippet of internal narrative or drowsiness. It usually appears to occur in between the noticing of sensations. I've seen this before, but not for a while. I suppose this is just normal i.e. 'distracted' consciousness but squeezed into a corner. Still, it is a productive exercise to go looking for these 'blips' I suppose.

5pm, 30mins
More of the same.

6th July
9am, 30mins
Very clear today, I was a bit distracted but the suffering inherent in these made them very noticeable.

2pm, 1hr
I've rapidly lost interest in states and stages again. Consciousness is often described as having an 'always on' quality. It also appears to be very smooth and consistent distractions manifest as ripples or constrictions in this consistency. It makes no sense to be interested in states and stages when DN ickiness has the same quality as spacious peace. So my practice at present is to go looking for these ripples.

7pm, 45mins
Lots of strong energy movements, I feel fairly hyper now.

7th July
9am, 30mins
Real solid 1st gear, nuthin' fancy. Wired to moon off the cushion though. A bit like I'm pre-menstrual or something.

5pm, 1hr
Much more relaxed. I'm getting fairly long periods of complete mental tranquillity now. Often if I look I'm in spacious place, sometimes constricted, sometimes elated; but it makes no difference. It's all of a piece.

8th July
7.30am & 9am, 30mins each
These were chalk and cheese sessions, oscillating between very focused and completely distracted with no middle ground. I feel strong desire to be mindful at the moment no matter how I feel or what the circumstances, it feels very simple.

9th July
7.30am, 30mins
Not particularly exalted but pretty consistent, which is good I think. After Beth's advice I am paying more attention to mind states. I'm also observing thoughts directly more the moment.

3pm, 30mins
Following Beth's advice to look more at mind states, I'm finding a lot of clenching and tension associated with them. I have been aware of this before but felt that just being observant of the physical was enough, however seeing the relationship between moods and this physical tension is proving to be more productive. However attempts to do the cushion just make me fall asleep, the moment it's much more effective off the cushion.

10th July
7am, 30mins & 11am, 45mins
Hmm, all feels a bit loose. I feel very focused for a while and then, wham, I'm off with the fairies. But it does not appear to bother me.

5pm, 30mins
Much more focused, out loud noting ect.

11pm, 30mins
This one felt like another one of those strong A&P experiences, nice.

14th July
9am, 30mins
My lap top has been off line for a couple of days so I've not been able to get to my diary or online, practice was the usual mix and I was doing the usual 2 hours a day.
My mind was fairly tranquil this morning, noting was easy and mind states/feelings were clearly visible.

11.30am, 30mins
Pretty focused again, solid 1st gear.

6pm, 30mins
Same again, sensation and feelings were very clear. Something I have noticed over the last couple of days is how little I spin in content at the moment. Of course I am distracted a lot of the time but regular doses of mindfulness have lessened the hold that the distracted mind has on me. When I am really 'locked in' the suffering incurred is very clear and excruciating. It's easy to forget that this is how I have spent much of my life and how most people spend all of their lives.

11pm, 30mins
Again, very stable.

15th July
9.30am
At the moment it appears that when my internal narrative is not active, I don't suffer. It doesn't feel like Dzogchen but who knows. So my practice is very simple, incline my mind to the place where my internal narrative is silent, it all feels very simple.

12.30pm, 45mins
All of the ease of earlier has gone. This session was very fragmented and distracted.

11pm, 45mins
Started well but broke up a bit as time went on.

16th July
7.30am, 30mins
My mind would not do as it was told, damn thing.

5pm, 1hr
Nice, very simple, I just let my mind rest in the next sensation. Nice.

10pm, 30mins
Same, same.

17th July
9am, 30mins
So, so.

1pm, 1hr
A big part of my practice as the moment is noticing mind states. There is a problem however. Excitement is very close in texture to anxiety, for example, and often when looked at closely there appears to be a common generalised energy movement that triggers and fuels both. So am I noticing a mind state or a physical sensation? Probably the latter. Is this anxiety anymore? Not really. So much for noticing mind states.

I was chatting to a friend the other day that is a mental health professional. She was saying that the reason why mentally ill people like routine and familiarity so much is that they don't cope well with changes in mood. And that mood changes are the result in adrenaline release and that adrenaline release is triggered by change. So when I see 'strong energy movements' in my practice, the chances are that it's just biology not some kind of hippy trippy yoga tantra nonsense. Don't get me wrong I'm a huge fan to all things yoga shaped but the fact is they didn't have much science a thousand odd years ago when the books got written. Shame, because that yoga stuff is sooooo purdy.

10pm, 30mins
As above, emotions dissolving into endocrinal events.

18th July
7.30am, 30mins
A fairly steady progress up the nyanas, I lost my focus for a while in EQ probably because that was mid EQ and found it again somewhere in the DN.

1pm, 1hr
So I was really very angry for all kinds of work related reasons, some justified some just self-pity. I knew I'd have to sit, or be saddled with this nonsense all day. But when I looked closely at the sensations of 'anger' there was nothing there, just randomly connected thought processes and physical sensations. No 'strong energy movements,' no 'hormones' just the usual itches, twitches and snatches of mental chatter. Hmmm, that's good right?

3pm, 30mins
Ping pong noting with a friend. Later after a rather difficult shift I'm feeling angry, shame, sadness and loneliness. I wallow in this for a while, and then resolve to practice. To my surprise the thing evaporates as soon as I relax into the moment, it has no substance at all. No energy or specific physical sensation, just pure candy floss. It switches back on again as soon as I become distracted. So I play with this for a while, switching it on and off, fascinating.

20th July
9.30am, 30mins
Sometimes when an issue is particularly vexing it clamours for attention during practice and it can actually be beneficial to pay some attention. Typically for me an issue arises but I do not buy-in, I continue to practice. Then some kind of understanding 'drops.' I spend a short time considering this before returning to practice. Rinse and repeat, sometimes there is no point fighting this, in fact it feels wrong to do so.

4pm, 1hr
Nothing to write home about.

10pm, 30mins
Using thoughts as object.

21st July
10am, 30mins
The usual. Honestly I find it very difficult to find anything new to say.

4pm, 1hr
I don't know where I am on the map at the moment. I don't see individual nyanas much anymore it's all just a soup of stuff. I'm noticing moods and feelings more; maybe this is muddying the waters for a bit. I might even have slipped back into the DN, if this has happened I have no idea how.

11pm, 30mins
I need to lighten up a bit.

"
The usual. Honestly I find it very difficult to find anything new to say.
"

This is very familiar. Reading this reminded me of something James Baraz said. He was describing how this veteran meditator, someone who had been sitting for 10 or 20 years, went to Burma. In the interviews, the teacher asked this person to come back each day with something new about the breath. To the yogi's surprise, there was a lot to notice. Somehow, choosing an object and ramping up the investigation made a big difference. Maybe I'll try something like this at some point when I get that feeling that nothing new is going on...

Cheers mate, i'll give it a go.

22-25 July
For various reasons I've been very tired during the last couple of days. I've done about an hour to an hour and a half per day but I have no idea what happened.

26th July
9am, 30mins
Not so bad. I'm trying to loosen it up without losing focus.
3pm, 1hr
I'm got some stability back. I'm still noticing mind states a lot, but have given up trying to label them. What exactly do you call a feeling of heavy safety for example especially if it has a side order of clarity? No point.

8pm, 20mins
Not so good.

27th July
7pm, 30mins
Noticing mind states is feels a bit like a short cut to Witnessing consciousness at the moment.

10pm, 30mins
More of the same.

28th July
9am, 30mins
Same as yesterday really.

4pm, 1hr
Mindfulness coming and going, and being content to let that happen.

28th July
10pm, 30mins
A much more inclusive session, I suppose all sensations are mental processes in the end.

29th July
9.30am, 30mins & 4pm, 1hr
After chatting to Kenneth I've been working to adopt a more inquisitive attitude towards mental objects. Up until now I've been keen to catch metal objects as they arise with an unacknowledged desire to stop them altogether and have 'peace.' A polite way of describing this attitude would be 'unskilful;' as mental objects will always arise and having this exclusive attitude has left my practice rather brittle and dry. Letting them unfold and observing where they go is much more fun.

10pm, 30mins
Observing thoughts again. Letting them breathe a bit takes some of the pressure off. I'm finding visual, verbal and aural mental objects particularly easy at the moment.