Howards Practice # 3

30th July
8.30am 30mins & 8.30pm, 1hr
The first session was very stable and I was seeing mental objects easily. My experience is that after a period of stable practice there is usually some 'push back' where everything goes south for a while. The rest of my day was full of difficult feelings of rage and unfairness. I was aware enough to see that all this had nothing to do what was actually happening, but I was running out of patience by mid-afternoon. What I really needed to do was sit and practice but was unable to do so. By the time I finally sat down, it did straighten out the kinks there were still lots of nasty sights to see. All just as empty as everything else of course, that still amazes me.

1st & 2nd Aug
I've been finishing up at work before the summer break, so I've been too busy to practice at my normal rate. I did about an hour each day but it felt scrappy. This might be a good opportunity to make some general comments about this week's practice. Amongst other things Kenneth advised me to notice thought processes more this week.

My mental processes appear to fall in to several categories at the moment:
1. Memories; these are distinct replays of events that have happened in the past, like movies. Usually only one sense door in involved. Often the action appears to be overlaid upon real time sense data, rather like a heads-up-display. If it is an aural memory, will be heard as just another sound in my auditory awareness.
2. Internal narrative; this is my own voice in my own head, definitely me and distinct from all other 'sounds.' It can be about anything, judging, commenting, recriminating, self-aggrandising. I am normally able to notice categorise most of this when sitting, and I have 'good' periods when not.
3. Fantasy; this is usually visual in character and the most likely to come with an emotional component, memories do too but not so much. In my experience most fantasy is just warmed-over memory. Most, if not all, of the components are taken from lived experience and reconfigured to produce a 'new' experience. For me, at the moment, most fantasy appears to be created with the express intent to generate emotion. Which brings us neatly to'¦

4. Emotions; for quite some time emotions for me are primarily physical sensations, which present as a kaleidoscope of shifting energy movements. This makes noting difficult as the thing changes so fast that most formal labels feel inadequate. But this process is easy to notice in more free flowing way so I tend to notice intently and formally note 'feeling, feeling, feeling'¦' It would be a lot easier if thought processes were attached to this, but when sitting it feels like I left that behind a long time ago, my attention is precise enough that the feeling is noticed before and thoughts are allowed to proliferate. Is this a good or a bad thing? This is a question that has been vexing me mightily over the last few days.
5. There is another component that is much 'newer' for me. I am noticing an inclination to feel. This feels very odd, I 'know' that I am perplexed for example, but no thought processes arise e.g 'Huh, that's weird!' Also there is no correlating change in my physical senate experience. But I just know that I am perplexed, it's a bit like when I am talking to someone and the words just come out with no precursor process.

This is not a complete list (obviously) and I'm sure it had all been laid out already in exhaustive detail by some dead Asian dude. So any pointers in that direction would be appreciated.

3rd Aug
9.30am & 11am, both 30mins
A feeling that I am back in the groove. Practice was pretty much as described above, with much more precision in the second session

6pm, 30mins
More of the same, feels good.

4th Aug
9.30am & 10pm, both 30mins
Now that I have been able to break down mental objects, Kenneth has advised me to start integrating this awareness in with the noticing of physical sensations to produce a more complete sensory experience. This is going okay.

5th Aug, 1hr
Recently and in parallel to my practice with metal objects has been a growing awareness of a rhythmic sense of contraction and expansion of my sensory field. Sometimes this is quite compelling and becomes the central object of my practice. I have been wary of this, thinking that it may be a mental construction. After chatting with Kenneth it appears that this is in fact a well-documented phenomenon so I'm comfortable continuing with this practice. Today was all about this particular thing.

6th Aug
10am, 30mins
Very chaotic, bah!

11am, 30mins
Not so chaotic, but what's wrong with chaos anyway?

4pm, 30mins
I always have difficulty practicing when I'm on holiday. Maybe because it's because there is so much fun stuff to do. But actually I think not, I fact I have more time, not less. The truth is the craving to do fun stuff is stronger and that craving is difficult to face, so today I resolved to face it and do my 2 hours no matter what. The result, lots of mental images of fun stuff and the feelings of craving associated with them. I find myself surprised by this; it's all so mechanical; what a disappointment.

11pm, 30mins
Kept nodding off, still not so bad; I was trying to catch the transition point.

7th Aug
9.30am, 30mins & 4pm, 45mins
As I said before I don't do more than an hour when I'm on holiday, I've never really questioned this. Turns out there is a huge amount of aversion to doing more than an hour, looks like I've got some spade work to do.

7.30am & 10pm, 30mins each
After chatting to Kenneth he has given me a practice to do that will prepare me for a 10 home retreat that I will start next week. It starts by noting gross sensations in the normal way. Soon the sensations noticed become more subtle. At this point he practice enters a more structured phase. The eyes are closed, relaxed and pointed slightly down, this corresponds to shamata practice and soothing sensations are experienced. Soon this becomes a bit dreamy and unfocused; at this point the eyes are angled up until an irregular quivering is experienced.

Initially this is hard to maintain as it is tiring on the eye muscles, so the goal is to find the sweet spot where soothing shamata and quivering are both present. This quivering is rather like Morse code and the irregular pattern is then used as the meditation object. As this pattern is actually rather compelling but the shamata component is soothing this object can be used for long periods. But eventually gross sensations return and it is skilful at this point to note them again and maybe stretch and move around a bit, enjoy them a bit. Then the as concentration deepens the sensations noticed become subtle again and the quivering sweet spot can be returned too.

Okay, so much for theory. What actually happens? Well for one thing the quivery thing is laughably easy to set-up. My body mind is so keen to do this that it does it for some time after I've got up from sitting, making the tea etc. which is a bit disconcerting. Perhaps more confusing is that it continues to do it right though the gross sensation phase, becoming just another thing that is happening like itching or traffic noise. But at some points it appears to be in direct conflict with gross sensation, for a fair amount of time I was having fairly strong physiological sensations that appeared to be actively slowing the quivering down, like throwing sand in to the parts of a moving machine. The quivering would gradually slow down and stop like when a ball thrown in to the air reaches the top of its parabola, then it would slowly speed up as it gathered momentum. I think this is quite a lot to be going on in two fairly cursory sessions, the time certainly passes quick. I am intrigued.

9th Aug
9.30am, 30mins
The practice cycle is settling down a bit, but mainly because I'm letting it do its own thing. Often the quivering wants to happen when sensations are really gross and compelling and a real tussle ensues, I'm just letting this happen. This practice is a fairly radical departure from what I am used to, so some turbulence is to be expected, who knows maybe the conflict and turbulence is the point at the moment.

10pm, 30mins
The quivering is much more automatic now, whenever there are no compelling sensations that trump everything else the quivering starts up, no matter what my eyes are doing. I'm working on getting my eyes into the really relaxed shamata state i.e. slightly downward looking and relaxed but also with the quivering Morse code going on. This is important because this practice is starting to give me headaches.

10th Aug
8am, 30mins
The cycle of gross to subtle sensations and back again was very fast this time. I have a feeling that I need longer sittings to properly bed this in. Unfortunately my circumstances do not permit this at present; it will have to wait till next week when I get back home.

10pm, 30mins
The cycle of gross to subtle and back is much more stable this time. The flickering eyelids can now be done during normal vision, the effect being a very rapid strobing of the whole visual field. Minimal head ache problems.

11th Aug
8am, 30mins
I left it a bit longer before doing the flickering eye thing this time, It felt more stable and consistent, I don't know whether that is a good thing or not. I'm much vexed by the 'mindfulness is not intrinsically better than distraction' argument at the moment. This statement is necessarily true because there is no 'self' in either case, it's all just stuff happening. But when I am awake I know there is no self, when distracted I do not, but who is it, that is awake enough to know there is no self? I suppose this is the usual circular logic that chases you around when you practice. The appropriate dose of insight will fix this I'm sure. This is to be found by looking for the 'self that is awake enough to know there is no-self,' ta da!

10pm, 30mins
Still looking, it must be around here somewhere.

12th Aug
8am, 30mins
Mad/crazy on the cushion, stable and consistent off it, who knew?

11pm, 30mins
What is mindfulness? It's a bit like asking, what is rock and roll? Obviously it's a speeded-up 12 bar blues with shed loads of sexual innuendo added. But it's also so much more. The same goes for mindfulness; sensations becoming aware of themselves perhaps? Yes, but it does not catch the mechanism of how it actually happens, how does an unaware sensations transition to a self-aware one? Is it like a quantum thing where by you don't know until you look, but when you look the act of looking changes the quantum state? Is it that some sensations are aware and some are not and that is just how it is? So maybe mindfulness is not a processes at all? My brain is full can I have a new one please.

13th Aug
7.30am, 30mins
Practice feels effortless today on and off the cushion.

3pm, 30mins
Not so effortless or philosophical for that matter.

Later'¦
But fairly effortless off the cushion.

15th Aug
8.30am, 30mins
I start myself retreat today so this is just a warm-up. Even so the eye posture flickering practice that Kenneth has showed has started very strong. I have little control over its comings and goings. Towards the end it we behaving like any other object in my awareness to be noted along with everything else. A couple times my eyes felt like they were being forced to swivel up and look at the top of my skull.

11am, 30mins
Actually I have rather a lot of sorting out and tidying up to do. I've just got back from a week away so there is shopping and laundry, mail to be answered ect. So I'm going to do all this very slowly and mindfully and intersperse it with short bursts of sitting. This last session was relaxed and unforced; I am still fairly tired from traveling so I just used the sensations of sleepiness and fatigue. On the way to going shopping for groceries I met a friend who is still at work, we chatted for a while. This was a huge shock for me and difficult to process. Traveling home yesterday I worked hard to stay tranquil and today I have been using anapanasati since I woke up. My mind has settled in such a way that it is the new normal, chatting to my friend brought my sense of self rushing back like a tidal wave, not skilful.

12.15pm, 30mins
So I'm doing a bit and then drifting back to the cushion, all the while stinging it together with anapanasati. I am very tired though so I'm not setting up any expectations. Eye posture flickering is increasing in frequency, sometimes so fast that he eye lid cannot keep up, and locks up.

3.15pm, 90mins
Right then, time to stop mucking about. I sat down for an hour and very quickly the eye posture quivering became so intense that the supposed cycle of noticing gross sensations then practicing eye postures broke down. The quivering continued alongside the noticing of aches and pains, traffic noise ect. In fact noticing the whole lot together appears to intensify the practice. After an hour I got up but it was pretty clear that I needed to do some more. When I sat down the eye postures became even more extreme with my eyes getting locked in all kinds of odd positions; jacked-up to the top of my head. Being pulled back into my skull but also sideways or cross eyed or some that I cant describe. Then with them in this new position a whole new set of spasms would start up and then to finish, starting with my nose, my whole body started to spasm in the same way as my eyes. After another 30 I had had enough and needed a break. But, oddly, I feel unexpectedly fine.

8pm, 1hr
More of the same, but less intense. When the flickering happens Kenneth's direction was to pay special attention to any pulses or strokes that appear to be stronger or longer, it's the attention to these particular elements that produces the whacky stuff.

16th Aug
8.30am 30mins
Continuing from yesterday in pretty much the same vein, the quivering and shaking started early and continued thoughout.

11.30am, 2hrs
The quivering with the eyes started immediately but was not the main event. My body has now started doing the same thing as my eyes. All kinds of strange and bizarre spams and contortions. Groups of muscles working together in ways I have not experienced before. My mouth was adopting all kinds of rictus grins and scowls and all kinds of facial expressions that do not have a name. Walking is particularly interesting I'm like a cross between a spastic spider and some kind of contemporary ballet dancer. And all executed with the complete and total disengagement of my 'self.'

continued
4pm, 1hr
I was a bit cautious after the last session, as I was pretty wasted. I'm still not fully recovered from my CFS, another session like the last could have been a problem. Mercifully this one was much more stable. This one was all eye flickering, very stable, the formal noting of anything that got in the way.

10pm, 1hr
As above, perhaps a little more varied.

17th Aug
8.30am, 30mins
The practice was pretty much in line with yesterday. But it looks like I've picked up a throat infection. This often happens when I break new ground in my practice. I am understandably unhappy about this but will continue with my program. I want to get up to 6 hours a day for the remainder of my holiday. I did four and a half yesterday and intend to do 5 today.

It looks suspiciously like I'm in reobservation again. Existential anxiety, check; resistance to practice, check; flu like ickyness, check; lethargy and a feeling of pointlessness, check; wanting to trash the whole programme, check. Oh well at least it's good to know where you stand.

11am, 1hr
Or on the other hand it could be just a migraine. It looks increasingly like one of those beasties is uncurling its hairy legs and starting to stalk around in the background. This means I will have to throttle back on the practice today; this is the story of the last couple of years and probably explains why I have spent so long mooching around on the Re-Ob/ Eq boundary I.E. Progress in practice often has a negative health consequence. It drives me mad sometimes. Paradoxically this session was pretty interesting. This new practice that Kenneth has shown me has been rather chaotic to start with and has taken a while to settle. This time I started to see nyanas transitioning in amongst all the flickering.

2pm, 3hrs
This session could not have been more unexpected. I took a migraine pill fully expecting to be laid low all day. Soon it kicked in and felt the strong urge to sit. As soon as I sat down it felt very different, easy, spacious and tranquil. I was able to observe the flickering for long periods with minimal distraction to the extent that I just kept extending the sit. This feels very much like equanimity especially when compared to what has gone before. It may just be a taster and I will be back in Re-Ob next time, time will tell.

8pm, 1hr
A very peaceful practice.

18th Aug
9am, 30mins
I was half expecting equanimity to have disappeared like the morning mist. But it was very much present this morning. I spent most of the session just enjoying the peace and quiet.


11am, 90mins
The eye posture flickering does not appear to work that well in equanimity. The first half of this session was very spacious, I was content to watch sensations come and go against a background of spacious peace. About half way through I felt myself falling out of equanimity and the familiar chaos of Re-Ob arose. At this point the eye posture practice kicked in almost immediately and booted me back up to equanimity, where I lost interest again.

2.30pm, 2hrs
It looks like the honeymoon with equanimity is over. I spent the first half hour enjoying the sensations of peacefulness ect. The next half hour trying to figure out if I was still in equanimity and the last hour, having realised how pointless such speculation is, having a really focused practice. I carried this focus off the cushion and in to the supermarket where I was rude to several people with it registering. Oh, the joys of home retreat.

7pm, 2hrs
This was a very stable session, perhaps the most focused yet. I spent no time pondering nyanas or anything. I noticed some come and go but have no idea which. At about the half way mark, started to notice that each sound and touch sensation comes with an associated mental image which is projected in space to the imagined location of the source, (my eyes were closed.) Of course, now I can't stop doing it, typical.

19th Aug
8am, 30mins
What I said yesterday about not being able to stop seeing the visual imagery associated with physical sensations appears to be more than just an idle joke. I think this will be my practice for a little while as I don't appear to have any choice in the matter.

11am, 1hr
Talking of not having any choice in the matter, I was thinking of trashing the whole retreat idea earlier. I picked up a cold at Heathrow airport on the way home, (all those hyper-fit athletes with shot-to-hell immune systems.) Unfortunately man flu is very real for me ever since I got CFS, it tends to knock me flat and I had no desire to practice this morning. I need not have worried, the insight itch is so strong it looks like I have no choice, which is probably a good thing as this last practice was very interesting. As I was feeling so irritated I noted all of these feelings; rage, fear, injustice, betrayal ect ad nauseum. I'm surprised to notice how quickly they pass if noticed properly. I don't know why this surprises me because they are just transient feelings right? But so fast? But that's good right?

Also this was a very focused practice, I had almost no distraction of any kind. This was partly because I was seeing very clearly how quick a distracting process can arise, in the blink of an eye actually. Whole worlds contained in a single moment, excuse the poetry, I'm not normally given to hyperbole but in this case it appears to be the literal truth. Go figure.
(cont)

2.30pm, 90mins
I have to put my hand up and say that I've never done 90mins of feeling tone practice before. I didn't know the practice existed a year ago and during that time I have been sick so I assumed that such a practice would be unremittingly miserable. So today has been a real surprise. It appears that sensations are not inherently pleasant or un-pleasant but a characteristic that is added by the 'observer.' This is implicit in the Dzogchen experience but I've never actually parsed it out before. It is fascinating to watch sensations go from unpleasant to pleasant in front of your very eyes and back again. This appears to be for a variety of reasons, prior association, nyana, mood or just a predisposition carried over from the previous sensation. I will be doing more of this.

5pm, 90mins
Bored. Couldn't find a practice that hit the spot. So bored.

20th Aug
8am, 30mins
My 1st gear practice has streamlined enormously in the last couple of days and in surprising directions. For a while I have been struggling to label certain sensations 'is that irritability? Or maybe aversion or hmmmm'¦' No, its restlessness, a label straight out of the text book. The same goes for 'doubt' and 'guilt.' I'm having very few dropouts with first gear now so I'm just going to do that for a while and see what happens.
10am, 1hr
My mind appears to have very clear preferences for the kind of practice that I do. I was just doing very simple, fast 1st gear for about 35mins and then all kinds of dissatisfaction and restlessness that would not dissolve. It soon became clear that I was being too rigid and needed to move to a more open style, after that everything was fine again. My mind is also strongly resisting certain specific practices at different times. It would have no truck with eye postures, feeling tone or noticing mind states this time. I'm also going to move to shorter, more frequent sits. Hour long sits have always been my sweet spot, any longer and I come off the cushion with a strong desire for distraction and find it difficult to maintain the thread of mindfulness.

12.15pm, 90mins
This was an almost 360 practice, I was able to clearly notice, physical and mental sensations, mind states and feeling tone in a fairly seamless manner. It was so good that I extended the original plan of one hour to 90mins.

3.30pm, 90mins
Well bless my soul, another extended one. I was doing eye postures this time, the mind is becoming absorbed in the flickering now in a similar way to a samatha practice. When I come out and return to normal noting it is rather disorientating, like the mind has forgotten how to name things, there is very little grasping. Lots going on to be sure, but no engagement.

10pm, 1hr
The oddest thing happened after the last session, my off the cushion mindfulness just dropped through the floor, just evaporated. I then did some not very skilful but fun things and this next session was complete crap. I am a bad boy.

21st Aug
8.15am, 30mins
Not too bad considering yesterday.

11am, 1hr
This time it was all about falling asleep. I was very drowsy from the off but spent the session surfing the boundary between awake and asleep. One thing I found was a sudden sense of warm fuzziness that sweeps over the whole body, also a sense of disorientation, a kind of pleasant vertigo. I found that by firmly noticing one strong sensation one can remain concourse during the initial phase of sleep. This strong noticing mitigates the vertigo and allows it to be experienced like a fairground ride, which is a fair approximation to the experience. I don't find it difficult to remain present to the warm fuzziness I can use it as the meditation object and stay awake. The real problem is the story telling that the dream state entails. The dream narrative is usually compelling, internally consistent, and instantaneous with no need of any exposition or context. It's just there and its real and its right now. The reason why one is strongly noticing anything is soon lost and the dream takes over. It's an interesting problem.