Howards Practice # 3

2.30pm, 3hrs
This was a real trial; I hate that nodding-off-all-the-time thing more than just about any other hindrance. It's that feeling of being ambushed constantly, drives me nuts. How I put up with 3 hours of it I don't know. On the up side, I feel hyper connected with my body now and strangely optimistic, there's always and up-side. The mad thing is I'm going to do another hour now and I don't know why.

6pm, 1hr
More of the same but with less sleep.

22nd Aug
8am
After a chat with Beth last night it became clear that I needed to change my practice style. I'm now going to be noting all the time from the moment I wake-up till the moment I go to sleep. I started immediately and found that noting was easy and fluid, I did not need to formally note, noticing was enough. I was immediately very relaxed with my attention wanting to go to the horizon and kind of notice stuff on the way.

Sleep was interesting. I woke up at around 3 with the sense that my entire sensory field was pulsing on and off very rapidly and speeding up. Initially I fought this, but then decided to relax and see what happened. It started pulsing again very rapidly, then I realised I was actually hearing my heart beat. This frightened me, so I got up and checked it and found that it was about 125bpm which is just under twice my normal. It slowed again after a little while and I went back to bed. I then had a succession of semi-lucid dreams which were great fun. When I woke up I tried noting in bed but as soon as I got any kind of focus on anything I got a huge bliss wave that put me back to sleep.

Eventually I made it out of bed at around seven. My mind feels more like Dissolution this morning rather than Equanimity. I feel sleepy and drowsy, my mind is more distracted than it was last night but I tend to get sharper as the day goes on. Formal noting is difficult due to inertia but when I do my mind goes to the horizon, like last night but I get a bliss wave too, which kind of knocks me off my game. I'm going to sit quietly and explore this.

1pm
So, the theme of drowsiness continues, if anything it has become more clearly defined and cuts in more sharply. If I'm doing something I become very distracted so I have to go very slowly. In a more formal situation I become progressively drowsier as I become more focused, then it's a few seconds of noting then a few seconds of sleep. I've tried various practices, Dzogchen, anapanasati, walking, noting aloud and silently, plus various other 3rd gearish things and they all end up in exactly the same place. I think the falling asleep is the point and my job is to look closely at it.

23rd Aug
12.30pm
Yesterday I ended up doing a very formal out loud noting practice that 'worked' quite well. This morning this felt much too intrusive, so I'm doing 3rd gear stuff like, 'you cannot turn off consciousness;' 'ships in the harbour;' and 'all sensations are always remembered.' I'm trying to get into 3rd gear, that is coming and going but these appear to be the best practices that help me stay in the moment today. I'm much more interested in the transition from distraction to mindfulness at the moment. I cannot control when I become distracted it just happens, and I can't control when I come back either; but the little jolt of aversion I feel upon my return is very interesting. It also appears to be surprisingly damaging to the smoothness of my practice too, like a speed hump.

Sounds like you've tried a lot of techniques to overcome drowsiness. Perhaps a zendo with a roshi that plays fast and loose with the kyosaku? Sleep study? Stimulants? A little piracetam or something? Don't know.

I'm currently getting (I think) some mileage out of paying very close attention moment to moment during formal practice. Kind of more emphasis on the continuity and presence and engagement.