Meekan's practice

Hello everyone!
I've basically been gone from the forums world for a longer while, just sitting noting by myself, with a retreat thrown in for good measure.

Came back and read some good texts on the forums yesterday, and hope I'll be doing some journaling again.

If anyone cares to comment on anything I write I'll be more than grateful!
Wishing you all well, and congrats to everyone making nice progress!

Welcome back and good luck!

Thanks a lot, Alvaro!

10 minutes concentration.
Quite focused.
50 minutes noting.
Tired and very chatty mind last two days. Today too.
Noted rising, falling. Belly moving separate from all else.
Confusion arising, noticing. Focus coming and going.
Tiredness expressing itself, noting sensations.
Finally perhaps 3-4 minutes metta. Smiling, joy.

A couple of different sits later, today's sit was 10 concentration.
50 silent noting.
Pretty unconcentrated, focusing in on itches, unconcentrated, sleepiness. And belly movements, and intentions to clear irritation in throat + clearing.
Basically a sit focused on noting the qualities of sloth, torpor and sleepiness.
Phenomenology? Hmmm... A little amnesia now
I remember noting itches very separate from me, at the same time intensely observing their slithering around and changes in amplitude.
A little emotional changes. Maybe a better entry next time

At the moment my mind seems to be hellbent on exposing my clinging to the focused equanimous sittings I had till a week ago or so

10 minute walking, mind very scattered
60 min noting, silent
first period was very scattered. noting as felleings of scattered, unfocused, frustration arose.
mind calmed down in tempo and things got nicer.
noted light and expansion as they arose, but lots of tired, and wanderig, imaging thoughts. Some but very few itches and pains, until the last part where I got a nice pain in the hip. Noted pain, it changed into pressure, and then moved around, basically becoming a more diffuse pain out in the thigh.
60 minute walking.
A little more focus, but lots of intruding planning thoughts. Changing pace a little. First being very slow. Also twitchng wyelids (should probably sleep a little more
Gained a little focus towards maybe last 20 minutes just being slow (i.e. I went from ultraslow to slow)
60 minutes noting aloud.
Lots of tired and imaging, planning thoughts. After a while, I noticed I was verbalizing aloud the intruding thoughts (i.e. intstead of noting, my mind took me into the thought/dream and I started saying what I was thinking out loud).
Decided to change back to silent. Regained a little focus.
But fatigue everpresent, and my head started nodding forward.
Stood up, and had good posture, but tiredenss and imaging thoughts being prevalent.

20 minute walking, mind scattered at first, adjusted pace somewhat, and got to focus more on sensations than mindless noting
2hr noting
at first pretty scattered, noting scattered, confused, disappointed, wishing (for concentration)
after some time settled down
pains in back arose, noted pain, pain often shifted, noting moving, or when turned into pressure 'changing', 'pressure'. and sometimes just disappearing.
After a long while, a period of light and calm joy. noting light, some pulses in the light, joy.
restlessness arose, a lot of planning thoughts, 'restlessness', 'planning', 'fantasy thought'.
Brought me back, and then wandered again ' wandering'.
towards the end some darkness came upon me and a sadness 'pressure' 'sadness', etc.
the bell went of, and some focus on trying to keep some focus and equanimity in transitioning to standing and walking.

10 min walk, pretty focused on sensations, noting segments of walking
50 min noting
First part very scattered, noting disappointment, scattered, occasionally 'gone' when sensation like 'itching' ended.
Then settled down, clearly perceiving bodily sensations as separate, still 'in them'.
This only for a short time, then a deep sadness came over me. I noted 'sadness' and it had its course, rushing through me for a while like a moving energy. A few tears. Then light came and everything was dandy and calm, relaxed. Noted 'light'' 'seeing''.
Back pain was there, but not so much suffering.
Then I fell back into a darker state. Noted 'disappointment' 'pain'.
Saved by the bell.

10 minute walking, concentrated!
50 minute loud noting.
Weird sensation of first having chaos inside and being a little disturbed by it then I still had the chaos (the old washmachine thingy inside) but sort of being fundamentally ok with it with joy arisin. Noting 'chaos' and 'joy'.
For a longer while I had inner sensations of being on a boat being rocked by waves and wondering if I was gonna become seasick.
Then came some darkness. Darkened vision, gloomier outlook.
Noted 'bored' and also 'restless'.
Pa in came and was noted. Light came. And I was basically happy with these back pains still occurring.
Great calmness, noted 'calm', and 'pain' but unperturbed.
Then darkness came back, and restlessness, noted 'wanting to go, wanting to escape' (suffering over pains).
Did this for a while, before suddenly an even lighter light went off, and 'happy' 'calm'
Perceived it as sensations being distant, but very much there at the same time.
Joy and awareness accompanied me out of the sit,

1 hr 40 min
Chaos mind for a short while. Then light, pleasant.
Turned to sadness.
And this way I sort of ran around for the rest of the sit.
Darkness, gloom, restlessness, replaced with either light, or just calm.
The theme seems to be at times mind is giving me all this "man, I am so experienced now I should just accept that the sit is unfocused, concentration is low and I am tired. " "but I don't" "ok, so accept that I am having a sit not accepting this sit"
Yada yada yada.
Also "these sits aren't getting me anywhere" "so?"
So, contrary to this babbling, I believe that's where it's at for me.
Also, to have sits devoid of any flashes and firworks.

Not a bad sit. (I recognize that flavor!)

Seems like it might be time to turn the "thought stream" into the meditation object. What is a thought? Regardless of content, how do we recognize a thought?

(Use in smart, small doses. Can get frustrating because they are so ellusive and it can't be forced... but the terrain of being very close to thought arising in the moment is kinda interesting at times.)

Thanks for the suggestion!

I did a couple of minutes just focusing on thoughts during that sit (I was very calm, and noting seemed superfluous at the time), and you're right, they're slippery little buggers
After a while I slipped into more traditional sensation territory, so I slipped back into regular noting.

"After a while I slipped into more traditional sensation territory, so I slipped back into regular noting.
"

That's the way! Keep slipping along with what presents itself to you. Folks that are dogmatic and only use one flavor of noting never get far and get frustrated that what they are doing isn't working. More and more, it seems like meditation to me is pretty much developing instinctful ways to notice!

yeah!
I try to stay away from too much technique switching and jumping . But these small adjustments seem to work fine!

10 minutes concentration - took some time to gather my faculties
50 minute sitting on a zafu with the intention to be with the back pain (BRING IT ON! .
I sure have some time left till I am "like a corpse who doesn't move even when you cut off limbs" and till what Shinzen describes as experienced meditators having relaxed back muscles even after long sittings.
But all in all I was happy with giving up the struggle with the pain most of the time and being still most of the sit.

1hr50min new challenge.
Observe thoughts, note 'talking', 'image' or 'subtle' and ignoring the rest.
Intensely frustrating and interesting.
Temporal order of events not really clear now in retrospect.
It seems I spent much of the time daydreaming being carried away by the train of thoughts...
There were periods of frustration and periods of calm and nice light.
Lots of planning thoughts abot how to write this journal entry."talking" "talking".
At one time I very clearly wanted to switch to regular noting. Then "ahh, Nicely spotted! I need to be with THAT aversion" and immediately recognizing THAT thought as more "talking".
This technique really is relentless... Thoughts about handling thoughts about thoughts.

Gah, I AM a strange loop!

Now I am not sure if want to believe anything I think or just slide back into the illusory daydream.

Whew.
10 minutes walking
60 minutes noting
10 minutes walking
50 minutes noting
5 minutes metta
I am back, the man behind the mask.
Very embedded, self-attached.
Noting lots of frustration, anger, anslyzing how noticing this actually means progress, thinking, wandering.
My mind says I am more mindful OFF the mat than ON now, as opposed to before.
But I believe noticing that I am not ok with this moment of sitting is a good thing

Morning meekan, from the perspective of down here in the trenches it looks like you have really turned a corner in your practice since you've been back. Congratulations, man! Very inspiring.

Thanks, k!
I am noticing several changes...
Nothing I really can relate to the regular map stages (somebody else perhaps could) so I don't try. I, myself, definitely still believe I am pretty far from stream entry, but the changes in how I approach practice are giving me lots of new insights.

So I believe being down in the trenches can be very teaching and good(not trying to sound like a personal improvement geek here .
So, here's to us trench dwellers

Monday was interesting. I was n a foul mood. And I was just so aware of choosing to just be non-mindful. Paradoxical or what?
Being OK with not being OK with lots of things.
But I can't say it felt good.

Todays sit was just 30 min.
Basically it felt as if I was tired. "tired"
And also almost everything had a pulsing quality, especially sights and sounds.
"pulse" "seeing" "hearing"
"calm"

1hr50 min incl 15 min walking 5 min metta and the first 40 or so spent on shinzens expandcobtract style (don't like mixing in to much, but I am turning into a little of a Shinzen fanboy).
Headache and soreness in lots of muscles and sleepy going in.
So basically the equanimity and concentration I once knew where out the window somewhere.
But I write down benefits as noting some of it and the discipline of sitting albeit a lot of unmindful moving...

1 hr20 min w short contemplation of illness, aging and death and 5 min metta.

First part was unfocused, dreamy, sleepy.
Then came a really profound sadness. Experienced it running thorough my body in waves. Stopping in eyes and chest - pressure, pressure, shivers
Lots of dark imaging. Mainly like whirring dark clouds or tar or something like that.
Then after what seemed like a long time, It turned into a deep calm.
The chaotic whirring images still filled my mind, but I was very calm and equanimous about it. This also lasted for some time.
Then my mind turned expansive and light.
After a while there basically was just sitting.
I switched to focus on thoughts, "talking", "imaging" and "background".
Very calm. After a while sort of slipped out and resumed regular noting.
After a while there was some restlessness and wanting to get up, escape hurting back, etc.
Then returned for a while to the "there is just sitting".
Contemplation and metta - Gong!

Sounds so natural

Hey K! How do you mean? The description, or the sequence?

I had a very helpful talk with Ron yesterday, and he had an idea about what that blip I experienced some weeks ago could have been. He called it a "near miss" and it resonates pretty well with what I think about it.

If that's what it was, the "near" implies I could be close, so time to keep my eyes (and 5 other gates open, eh?

"I think, therefore 'I' am?" Nice!
It was just a feeling response. Thinking back how some of us beginners were a couple of years ago, we were doing a lot more worrying about how to do the practice right.

Wow...
1hr sit
Dreamy, tired (been feeling sick for a week now)
Last 15 tried concentration on point below nose.
Lousy concentration, just felt like a wonderful sense of anger with it all developed.
metta five minutes, not so nice as it often is.