Meekan's practice

Thanks, K.
There was some shift some time ago. I am more at peace on a macro-level where I think I was very preoccupied with maps and paths earlier. Still wonder sometimes when the stream will be won though
Hope you're doing fine !
Oh wait, heading over to your practice thread... Now!

It's really obvious there has been a big shift in your practice since your earlier journals, and it looks to me like you are steaming. Your steadiness is an inspiration, no kidding. I hear you about s.e. , though.

Thanks, K. The practicing becomes a habit at one point, doesn't it?

I heard an interview earlier with Shinzen where he jokingly said that to test someone who claimed full enlightenment the person could be subjected to three hours of water boarding without suffering...
Hmm... Ok, I can see there is some ground to be covered here

30 min. Noting. Sensations separate - just part of nature.
Coming going.
Some flashes of light.
Hard Twitching in left cheek towards the end. Ended when opened eyes.

Slept way too little w a headache.
45 minute noting lots of running away with thoughts.
Some sadness noted. Mind a little aversive towards this, but opened up after noticing.
15 min walking. Lots of sensations noticed, and mind thinking lots even though intense focus on walking sensations.
35 min noting/noticing. Noticed attemptsvto escape aversion towards pain. Release.
5 min metta. Nice

30 min noting
Got collected pretty fast.
Fear got hold of me. Noted, and saw small undercurrents of resistance to the pain.
Noted aversion.
Same with itches, subtle attempts of escaping them through noting.
Opening up.
Intending to feel sensations fully, even though tendency to be distanced from them.

45 min noting
Immediate tough itching, noted and saw flashes (closed eyes)
Pain in back escalated noted lots of aversion, dislike, fear for the pain.
Somewhere after half sit pains got better of me. Shifted positions,
Shifted into a sleepy, dreamy state.

noting 38 minutes
Observing pleasant, neutral and unpleasant.
A little fuzzy, but it was basically calm. Majority noted was unpleasant pains, and pleasant sensations of calm.
I was in the eye of the storm.

saturday 45 min sitting, 45 walking 45 sitting
tired at tthe beginning, fairly attentive, seeing that aversion towards the pain, sometimes it dissipates after a while, with following eq around it, and then it has a new go
sunday, 2*30 min
first period was very fuzzy, hazy, slippery thoughts
second one got more clarity and noticed more.
internal activity was like imaging thoughts 90%and 7% hearing. The rest was emotions and their physical expression.
peppering the days with mindfulness pretty much lately, but am greedy and get aversion towards periods of dullness.
I want MORE!!

Aww man. Mindfulness in daily life was getting lots better since some time.
And pow, lots of stress about an upcoming task filled my day.
Lots of stuff to observe, notice and note, right..?
But the habit energy is strong with this one.
Missed a couple of sits, and dullness all around. Aversion^3.
Every time 'I' try to get out, they pull 'me' back in...
Just writing a log of todays sit:
1 hr sit, noting loud.
Sadness, fear,.
Halfway through, expansion, light. Then back again.
Doing it like this a couple of times.
10 min walk
35 min sitting, awareness
Noted that It seems as if I value exoeriences while noting.
Here, all sensations had the same valence.
Towards the end though, a rush of discomfort and restlessness came and swept me away.

Hah, was a little rushed when I wrote those last notes... See now that they weren't that coherent.
Anyways, let's get back up on that horse again!

Plenty o sits and a short retreat later...
1hr loud noting. Began with a very short silent noting bit.
In the beginning just basically objectified sensations noted. Wandering mind at times
A period elapsed noticing much aversion to the way this sit was going.
Also mind was prompting "ey be happy that you noticed when straying, that's when you are aware"
For some time studying sensation of tired "pressure", "tension", going off in different kinds of "thought".
Got s little restless.
Calm,.
5 minutes slow walking
22 minutes of labelless noticing.
Aversion, clinging, grasping. Right at the end sadness arose, stayed a short time and passed with accompanying sensations.

Great reports meekan. You and I seem to be going through much of the same "stuff." If I may ask when you see and note aversion what happens to the aversion. This is a sincere question not a rhetorical one. It's an issue I've been grappling with in my practice. Be well.

"Great reports meekan. You and I seem to be going through much of the same "stuff." If I may ask when you see and note aversion what happens to the aversion. This is a sincere question not a rhetorical one. It's an issue I've been grappling with in my practice. Be well. "

Thanks, Alvaro!
Hard q to answer... But interesting for me to think about.
I can't really say for me that a special thing happens after noticing and noting.
Sometimes I just sort of objectify it, and see that it is there, and notice sensations accompanying (or making the aversion up? Thoughts, physical feelings, etc), and usually after that, it plays out for a while Iand just notice it passing.
Sometimes I get a little "Wow! I noticed some subtle aversion there", and I see clearly that I've actually been doing some kind of avoiding (that was so subtle before, I had no idea). Often after this, I see it as just stuff occurring, allowing it to be there, change and pass (if it does).
And sometimes it just sticks around for a while.
Occasionally my mind gets all judgmental about it and I say "bad boy for sticking with this nasty stuff".
Don't know if this is what you were interested in? Perhaps you could specify if I misunderstood you?
Lots of metta!

45 minutes noting. Started off silent. Tired all day, and just spacey, so started sotto voce noting aloud.
In the beginning quite some disappointment,
Lots of wandering, getting back, instructional thoughts, happy.
Impermanence all around. lots of pulsations, some fasdt, and some in a very sort of sinus wave 0.25 Hz.
Like being on a sensation roller coaster. Emotions, physical sensations moving between two poles waxing and waning.
Seemingly quite unstructured, but seems like more of right view and effort in the latter part.
Still sleepy at end.

"
Don't know if this is what you were interested in?

"

I was only interested in a honest reply which you provided most thoughtfully. Thank you for that. The reason I asked was that in my own practice various forms of aversion seem to be always present, but seldom noticed until I've gotten thoroughly embedded. At that point any EQ is out the window. It's as if the default setting of my mind is set on aversion. Even when noting pleasant phenomenon there's seems to be a "background hum" of aversion and resistance.

Thanks again!

45 min noting.
Tired in beginning.
But was I ever a stone buddha. It was 'easy' just watching, waiting, not interfering.
Towards the end, man, everything just was muddled together, there was no ground, no solid images, but at times I sensed the center of my observation.
A little weird, but definitely interesting.

Yeah, Alvaro. I can sometimes notice a hum like that, but I believe often when I can watch it, I just let it be.
I really hope that you get (hmm, this not the right expression...) a "hsndle" on it, or perhaps I should say more EQ around this so you can just watch the hum?

I sometimes tell myself that this is all just natural stuff occurring on the great canvas that's me. Tends to bring me more into just watching and waiting. And also I remind myself patience needs to be practiced...

And yes, another thing about aversion. Sometimes I just ask, what's this about?
Often I see how I want the sit (or feeling or whatever) to be different. Makes for a little learning.

"...also I remind myself patience needs to be practiced... "


Well said and that just about says it all!

50 min loud noting
Noticed very clearly that when just noticing now, there was virtually no suffering. Every now and then though a thought like "but there is no temporal sequence!" or "how much time has elapsed" came and clearly sometimes pulled me out of the now. When this happened, aversion "I can't have that" noticing aversion, noticing that the aversion and body sensations are now.
Aversion and clinging popping up their heads once in a while.
Last three minutes open eyes. Sometimes noticing as if thoughts had an easier way to bypass awareness then.