Fast or Slow, Untangling the Knot...

Yeah...
I've had some of those.
Do you find it's easy where you are to just let that be OK?

"Do you find it's easy where you are to just let that be OK?
"

Well, it happened so it can't be changed. And I'm human so not without flaws. But honestly, I feel like I'm wasting time afterwards when I don't note or pay attention. Meditiation can often feel like wasting time, but if I just drift off and fail to note those thoughts or sensations of boredom, restlessness, aversion, etc. ... well, that really is wasting time! But the funny thing is all it takes is noting "drifting off, spacing out, numbness, unclear, vagueness, dullness, etc." and I'm back on track. That's why it's a bit of a bummer to realize that I was probably embedded in dullness for most of the sit.

At the Buddhist Geek conference Hokai Sobol made a comment during one of his morning mediation sessions that is cogent here -- coming back to our awareness from a daydream or from being unfocused is like a tiny awakening. That's really the whole point of practice - to be aware of things. Coming back to our awareness, over and over and over and over. That's the trick.

Amen.

Today's sit was just that. More slippery mind, but noting that. In fact, I think I gained appreciation for a few new flavors of daydream/planning.

Two observations from the sit: the daydream assumes a certain solid self and it can be work self, working out self, meditating self, blogging self... the stickiness of the daydream seems to be correlated to how important or solid those selves seem to be in the moment. (That statement is a little tautological, but it seems like realizing that is important.) There's even a set of daydreams by the "suffering self" or that sense of self that needs to be coddled or entertained and these daydreams are as sticky as the sense of a suffering self is solid.

The second observation is a little more ill defined, but it's something like "every noting is coming from an assumed context/position"...hmm, hard to describe. But it's like me in my head is noting the it in my foot, the me in awareness is noting the it in my thoughts, awareness is noted by something other than awareness, but what is that? This route of inquiry led to a very plain, natural state.

Second sit, 45 mins. This sit was much more open and I felt like as long as I was staying on a present sensation, I could allow for changing meditation objects. Seemed to work okay. Very vibratory/pulsing in the beginning, then normalized, sat with eyes open for a while, then flickering/shimmering, then slippery mind, totally buying into thoughts, but quickly bringing back to present sensations. Towards the middle/end, noticable ill will about practice and progress in this lifetime, noted as such. Not quite dark night flavor, but still a little darker than usual.

Busy day yesterday, about 20 minutes of metta. Got very blissed and concentrated. May all beings awaken.

Yesterday's sit: 45 minutes. This one was right on the border between noting and noticing. Body warm, the "burning off impurities" feeling. Towards the end, if anything, I might have been "looking" a little to hard for tension. Probably need to be a little more "allowing" on today's sit.

I'm about a week into having given up coffee. Now only a couple of glasses of green tea a day. I think it's helping me be less busy/aggressive in my general attitude. Last night sit was at the very end of the day, right before bed, usually that's really hard for me and usually nodding off is a kind of suffering. Last night's sit ended with me going in and out of sleep, but it was kinda fun to do the head nod/body jerk thing.

Watched "My Reincarnation" before sitting... Last night sit was a total bliss fest. 45 minutes, bliss so strong that it that it hurt (like looking at a too bright light), coolness becoming warm/hot. Let myself soak in it, but then started "looking" around. Thoughts and proto-thoughts still happening, ill will still there. That's the thing about this state, it is comforting, it feels like progress, but it comes with a dullness. I'm never quite sure what to do in these kind of sits. I mostly let it roll.

Any advice for this kind of sit?

Sounds horrible. Good luck.

Ha! It seems strange to call it a "problem", but I'm not convinced it is an "answer" either.

I ran into this a bit about 2 weeks ago when I first ran into 9th jhana. I was overwhelmed with bliss and gratitude. Don't do what I did. I thought "Yay, progress!" Then I began hunting for this state each and ever sit, sometimes trying to make it happen. It untangled into a dissatisfactory factory! All of the upper jhanas started to get very unnerving feeling, especially 8th. So whatever you do, just let it be and observe. Don't cling, don't avert. Just let it arise and be with it, whatever it is.

Ajahn Brahm says you can deal with unpleasant circumstances by reminding yourself that "this too shall pass" - in other words, recognize the impermanence in the situation. And once you get good at that, you can do what's really challenging, which is to confront a pleasant situation by reminding yourself, "this too shall pass."

"Don't cling, don't avert. Just let it arise and be with it, whatever it is."

Though if you cling, just note that this clinging too shall pass.

Well no drama for the lama... Yesterdays sit: 15 minutes of easy sitting then to bed early for a really long dreamless sleep.

Yesterday's sit: 45 minutes. Very blissed out in beginning, simply watched breath loosely, trying to ensure that I was aware of a few breathing sensations on each in and out breath. Bliss was very mind-centered, very little body sensations other that meditation object. In middle, transitioned to daydreamy and sleepy, I forgot about meditation objects for a solid minute a few times. Averse to sitting in the last 20 minutes. Aversion disappated as soon as I looked at it, but the tired feeling made me just want to ignore it, it would accumlate/increase as I ignored it.

I have found that daydreamy states can bring about cessations. When you're daydreaming, your hands are off the wheel and so all sorts of random thoughts can come up. Really strange mental images that you haven't willed or asked for. Then the conscious mind sees these thoughts and realises that they have nothing to do with "I" or "me" and you get a no-self fruition, in the mini-awakening manner that Chris suggested. Daniel Ingram says something similar in MCTB about being in Equanimity, getting lost in a daydream about God being a hamster and then blip!

N.B. I'm using daydream in a rather literal sense here. They really do feel like waking dreams, rather than a meandering thought which "I" am invested in and interested in pursuing.

I agree with that. I have been sitting there spacing out and then as soon as I realize how whacked out my thoughts are and how there is no way "I" am making them happen, I snap out and get a small bliss wave.

"I have found that daydreamy states can bring about cessations. "

I think your right Andy, seems like lots of reports of people getting that blip during tired/dreamy states! One thing I've started to do is enforce a three head-nod rule. I need to sit until I have three head nods and only after that point can I decide whether or not I am brutally tired and just need to sleep rather than be heroic. I would say that 85% of the time, by fully committing to be with the sleepy sensations, I actually wake up and can wakefully enter those daydream/twilight states. Most of the time I'll only have one more head nod because I'm now engauged with the arising experiences whatever they are.

Talked with Beth last night. I'm always ashamed by how little I actually remember after I talk with teachers. I have a great 30+ minute conversation and then... "what did we just talk about?" But seems like the concentration states are fine as they appear and the subtle forms of suffering that still persist could indeed be worthy of investigation. And then there is the obvious thing I overlooked: when I'm caught in the inbetween state of semi-concentration and semi-vipassina state and I'm wondering what I should do, note the unsatisfactoryness of "wondering what to do". That little "need" that "I" have to be doing something, fixing something, controlling something.

Last night's sit was... non-existant. Fail!

Well, total of 3 days without sitting. But back in saddle today, 1HR. Watched sensations of breath at nose, and aware of everything else, became concentrated and and blissed/numb, then that slowly turned into aversion/negativity, but subtle and fleeting when "seen", body getting warm and feeling like burning off impurities, then thoughts subtle, watching thoughts as someone else's, then very clean state, breath very relaxed and free, open eyes meditation, very simple, "who is aware of this simplicity?", "what is aware?" etc. for the last ten minutes, short 30seconds or a 1minute toward the end of flickering/strobing in center of head. timer went off, done.

A lame 15 minutes sitting before sleep yesterday. Basically just a mind scrub before sleeping.

Today 45 minutes. Quickly consolidated, some formless-ish states, generally blissful. Lots of dual or triple vision -- self as sitting in room, self as body, self as attention going into head/neck, self as awareness --- all at the same time. Changing to purifying about halfway through, more awareness of discomfort, suffering, but subtle, watched it evolve, move, become more and more subtle. Then period of open eyed meditation, looking for any residual tension. Had funny idea that when suffering and bliss both exist in at the same time, then it must be alternating super fast mind moment by mind moment. Looked for that alternation and it did get a little vibratory. Sit ended very clean, with gratitude.

By the way, these recollections are approximate at best. Oh well.

whew, not an easy sit tonight. Been generally averse all day, the sit was like watching bad fumes come off my body/obscure my mind. Seems like I've been hitting a deeper layer of yuck in the last couple of sits. Not even thoughts or emotions, just diffuse energy of yuck. Struggled to stay on the cushion the whole 45 mins.

Two days ago: 15 minute clear the mind sit before sleep, not much to recall...

Last night, another 45 minute blissfest. Feels like I'm figuring out (not intentionally) how to have the bliss but not daydream, mostly by holding the generally pleasent sensations in the foreground and then still investigating (gently) where there is ill will, discomfort, lacking. Lots of nuances to this, but hard to describe. Similar to what I mentioned above about bliss co-existing with discomfort. After about 30 minutes, there was a switch that felt like EQ, all the searching/investigating/releasing was over and the pressure was off. Breathing was suddenly easy, like sighing. Could have been a jhana-ish dark night sit leading to EQ. But there was also some hard to describe states, somewhat formless-ish. Time went fast this sit.

Note to self: you're slacking off the meditation thing.

Two days without sitting, then about 40 minutes yesterday. Very mundane first thirty minutes, baseline of comfort, mind somewhat dull. Last ten minutes getting impatient. Previously new territory is now normalish: state of some pleasure, some discomfort, calm outside ("me" as body in room), vipassina /jhana vibration/bliss inside (mental space), practice thoughts: so there is pleasure, so there is discomfort, so there is vibration, so there is jhana, what is awareness, why am I doing this, oh yeah samsara is sticky, so do I just sit here?, okay... Saw my thoughts make a problem of this. Yet, despite seeing it, I got up three minutes early. Lame!

Ha! It's amazing how we can't sit through the last five minutes of a sit sometimes. As the teacher I worked with in Germany told me, "It's just the moment that is unpleasant". i.e. doesn't matter if you've been sitting 45 minutes or 5 minutes - aversion and restlessness can arise whenever.