awouldbehipster's practice notes (part 3)

"Every time though something disappears back down to where it seems to come from, there is almost a feeling of having a fruition but I can't say it's the same. I really don't know how to describe what happens when this is seen. Hehe...I don't know if it's what you described experiencing." ~Nick

I'm not sure we're describing the same thing either, but I enjoy reading your descriptions.

I'm pretty sure these are a kind of "fruition" in the context of the progress of insight. Though, the perspective from which they occur is much different. In cases like the one I attempted to describe above, it's almost like the way a slide projector changes slides. One moment I'm viewing things from this expanded point of view, and then the slide shifts to the unconditioned, and then the slide changes again to the conditioned. That's a rather clumsy description, but it's the best I can do for now. The most appropriate way to describe it, I think, is to say that the mind's eye (whatever that is) turns toward the unconditioned, and then turns back. It's not just a blip or a wink. Interesting, eh?

Thanks for your comments, Owen and Chris.

Jackson

"For example, I may notice a terrible odor. What's the best way to get rid of the odor? Should I sit and think about where the odor could possibly be? Or who caused it? Or whether or not the odor is real or illusory? No. The best to find the source of the odor is to "follow your nose." Sniff it out. That's how it is when we practice. Sniff out the suffering. Find the cause, and then cultivate dispassion toward the cause until it gives way."

Brilliant. Nothing like subtle, patient inquiry and honesty. When conflict hits, the first thing I do is look for the character present (controller, intolerant, fearful). After that, effortless respectful dispassion begins.

"Here's the thing: suffering and compassion are really two sides of the same coin. We don't find compassion and equanimity outside of suffering. That would be pity and indifference. Rather, our suffering seemingly transmutes into compassion as we move through our experience with kind attention; as we allow the pain and sorrow to make contact with our raw and exposed heart, which is none other than wisdom.

In this way, it's easy to see why suffering is the Buddha's first Noble Truth. It is a noble truth, indeed."

True empathy.

Spent some time in practice this morning. Started out just acknowledging the truth of my experience, moment by moment. The practice took on a life of its own, just like last time. The sense of intuitive knowing was distinguished amidst the cloud of concepts. The wisdom of emptiness arrived on the scene. Each time a concept arose, a false dualism resulted. Releasing the concept, the dualism fell away. It's rather hard to explain, in some ways. All of this happens while identity is more or less anchored in that space of consciousness which lies prior to thought-activity. It is moments like this when Zen teachings make the most intuitive sense'¦

"If you use your mind to create mind, every state of mind is disturbed and every thought is in motion. You go from one hell to the next. When a thought arises, there's good karma and bad karma, heaven and hell. When no thought arises, there's no good karma or bad karma, no heaven or hell." ~Bodhidharma

After a time, the recognition of intuitive awareness resulted in a period of resting in the natural state. Mind occasionally conjured up images or concepts, but they were noticed and then dissipated like so much smoke.

For one reason or another, the mind decides to turn toward the unconditioned. Something like insight cycles begin, and fruitions occur. They've been different lately. Much less intense then they have been in the past. The energetic bliss-wave that used to occur post-fruition isn't as intense anymore, either. It doesn't bother me, though. I don't go chasing fruitions. The mind just decides to incline toward them, and off I go.

Toward the end of my sit, the mind started to become dull. The dreamscape became somewhat relentless in its intent to entertain me. I just let it happen, as I didn't see any reason to stop the process by force. That's counter-intuitive. The visions and thoughts end when they end.

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I've also been more OK with the times when my mind becomes dull. It used to really bother me, and I would try really hard to bring the clarity back. It never really works to do that. That kind of forced clarity is just another compounded state, which doesn't do much to benefit my practice in the long run. Better to let the habit patterns exhaust themselves, rather than create new ones.

I mentioned in yesterdays post that there are moments of clarity and moments of dullness. I should put this idea in context...

I've been reading up on Dzogchen lately. The book I've been learning from is "Quintessential Dzogchen: Confusion Dawns as Wisdom" by Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche and others. One of the points that the authors drive home throughout the text is that Rigpa -- the state of natural, uncontrived wakefulness -- is not something one should try to sustain artificially. When one's spontaneously present, uncontrived thought-free wakefulness is expressed fully, there's nothing more to do. When thoughts or conceptual/contrived mind arise, one may gently recognize rigpa again and the natural wakefulness may resume.

But, it may not. The mind may become dull. In fact, it often becomes dull and embedded out of habit. When that happens, it's best not to try and will one's self back into natural wakefulness. Often times this results in a contrived state that is like one's natural wakefulness, but it really isn't. It's just another state of grasping and clinging, and it doesn't do the yogi any good to cultivate it in the long run.

This is why I think Kenneth's Three Speeds are so effective. When one can rest in/as rigpa -- the natural uncontrived wakefulness -- then they may do so and further their practice. But if this isn't possible in the moment, due to dullness or whatever else, then there are other practices we may engage in. We don't have to just give up, or strive really hard to get back to the uncontrived state (which is self-defeating). Rather, we can put one of the other gears to good use.

The most important thing is to be extremely honest with yourself. Know your experience, and respond accordingly. You can always work with what you are experiencing. There is never a moment when you can't apply an appropriate practice.

Today's sit was very uneventful. I practiced anyway.

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When conceptual thought arose, there was a distinctive flavor. The flavor was "me" or "I am." It was the flavor of personal existence. This was a new way of looking at identification. I hadn't ever saw it this way. The flavor arose with thoughts, and disappeared with thoughts. There was a realization that the flavor never stops. Rather, confusion about the flavor is what starts to go away, and is replaced by wisdom. The less confusion there was about the flavor of "I am," the more open, spacious, luminous and free experience became.

I would never have thought that going through such an emotionally turbulent time would result in such profound understanding and clarity. It goes to show that it's good to commit to sitting, even when things suck. There's no guarantee that any profound realization will occur, but there's also no guarantee that it won't!

I feel the need to say that I don't want anyone to think that I'm claiming anything special, here. Moments of wisdom arise sometimes, and it's good to learn from them. But I know better than to latch on to an experience and identify with it. It's not about attainment anymore. It's about continually, gradually, waking up out of confusion into wisdom.

I'm having a rough week - probably one of the roughest weeks of my life.

Last night I was incredibly anxious, to the point of feeling sick to my stomach and experiencing an increased heart-rate, accompanied by a torrential outpouring of thoughts and emotions. I reacted poorly to it last night. I didn't think that sitting would do any good, so I just drank a few beers instead and played around on Facebook. It was a welcome distraction while it lasted - which wasn't long. The anxiety won out over the alcohol.

I didn't sleep at all last night, and continue to feel pretty terrible this morning. I thought it would be a good idea to practice meditation as usual, even though I wasn't expecting anything other than sitting with the pain.

And that's what I did. I sat with the pressure in my chest, the nausea in my stomach, the fearful and anxious thoughts that cloud my awareness. And to my surprise, I was able to recognize the basic state of openness that is with me always, that is my true nature. My body began to calm. Thoughts and emotions lost their potency. And then something very interesting became clear...

Edit: Spelling.

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Thanks for that Jackson. I hope the nasty things clear up for you for a good while. Very glad to hear that you are feeling better.

Thanks, mu.

"When conceptual thought arose, there was a distinctive flavor. The flavor was "me" or "I am." It was the flavor of personal existence. This was a new way of looking at identification. I hadn't ever seen it this way. The flavor arose with thoughts, and disappeared with thoughts."-awouldbehipster

Great post! Thanks, Jackson. The sense of "I" arises together with each object, moment by moment. It's not a mistake, it's just how it happens. It's not happening to anyone.

"Great post! Thanks, Jackson. The sense of "I" arises together with each object, moment by moment. It's not a mistake, it's just how it happens. It's not happening to anyone." ~Kenneth

Yeah, that's it!

This sort of flies in the face of the idea that some sort of perceptual correction needs to take place. Perceptions are not "mis-synchronized." Percpetion works just the way it does, and that's all. It's simply a matter whether there is confusion or wisdom. As they the Dzogchen masters say, the awakened state is empty cognizance suffused with awareness, while the unenlightened state is empty cognizance suffused with confusion. This is why we "turn the light around," to bring awareness to the truth of right now.

Thank you, as always, for being such a trustworthy guide on the path.

"This sort of flies in the face of the idea that some sort of perceptual correction needs to take place. Perceptions are not "mis-synchronized." Percpetion works just the way it does, and that's all. It's simply a matter whether there is confusion or wisdom. As they the Dzogchen masters say, the awakened state is empty cognizance suffused with awareness, while the unenlightened state is empty cognizance suffused with confusion. This is why we "turn the light around," to bring awareness to the truth of right now."

Wow, I find this surprising, in a really nice way. That idea is one I was certainly holding onto.

Sorry to hear about the tough times, Jackson, but it sounds like you're really turning that lead into gold... : )

"Sorry to hear about the tough times, Jackson, but it sounds like you're really turning that lead into gold... : )"

Thanks, Ian. I won't lie and say things are great. They're still pretty ******, to be honest. But I'm choosing to use this experience as an opportunity for growth, even if I'd rather not be going through hard times at all. I really do appreciate the encouragement.

""Sorry to hear about the tough times, Jackson, but it sounds like you're really turning that lead into gold... : )"

Thanks, Ian. I won't lie and say things are great. They're still pretty ******, to be honest. But I'm choosing to use this experience as an opportunity for growth, even if I'd rather not be going through hard times at all. I really do appreciate the encouragement."

If you can say:
Are the "hard times" due to JUST something you are going through internally or are they due to those pesky life events we have no control over like problems in relationships, family, jobs, finances, legal problems, etc. ?

It's life stuff, not internal junk.

Having outgrown the wishful notion that meditation/understanding/spiritual practice would somehow autocorrect your life, or you must be doing these things 'wrong'-- now THERE'S an attainment!

My hat's off to you.

"Having outgrown the wishful notion that meditation/understanding/spiritual practice would somehow autocorrect your life, or you must be doing these things 'wrong'-- now THERE'S an attainment!"

Wells said, roomy!

Last night I went out with a group of fellow grad students from the Pacific U MA in Counseling Psych program. I had yet to meet any of them in person, so I was happy to discover what a great group of people they are.

I talked with a few of them about meditation and Buddhist practice for quite some time. I bring this up because they seemed to hold (though loosely) some common misconceptions about meditation practice; such as:

- That meditation is just something you do to help yourself.
- That meditation is about learning to be calm.
- That meditation is about getting to know yourself (in the personal sense).
- That meditation is just a way to desensitize one's self to pain and unpleasant emotions.

It's hard to completely disagree with their misconceptions, because meditation practice does include some of these aspects. But when they asked me what I think the purpose of meditation practice is, I found it somewhat difficult to put it into general, non-Buddhist terms. Here's what I came up with (though it is by no means the whole story...)

Meditation is a process of becoming intimate with our direct moment by moment experience, whatever the flavor (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral), in order to discover our innate natural capacity to be open to whatever happens. This in no way implies an ethic of inaction. But rather, acquiring this new viewpoint allows for more freedom in our responses to whatever comes up in our lives.

They seemed to understand this pretty well, and a few of them said they have been interested in meditation for a while but don't really know what to do. I have a feeling I'll have a chance to help my fellow classmates out in this area, just as they will help me out in other areas.

So far I'm enjoying this grad school stuff.

"Meditation is a process of becoming intimate with our direct moment by moment experience, whatever the flavor (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral), in order to discover our innate natural capacity to be open to whatever happens. This in no way implies an ethic of inaction. But rather, acquiring this new viewpoint allows for more freedom in our responses to whatever comes up in our lives."

For the audience being addressed, that sounds pretty damned good. And then some misconceptions were put in their place.

Thanks Jackson I probably borrow your line at some point!

Thanks, Gary. It means a lot.

I've heard stories about Zen masters sneaking up on their students while they were sitting and slapping them, hitting a gong, or doing some other thing to jolt them. I never quite understood why they may have done this until fairly recently.

When I'm sitting quietly, just paying attention to what's going on from moment to moment, sometimes a loud noise (a slamming door, or boisterous laughter in an office next door, etc.) will suddenly bring me to full, bright, empty alertness. Bam! Instant third gear. It's pretty amusing, when you think about it.

"I've heard stories about Zen masters sneaking up on their students while they were sitting and slapping them, hitting a gong, or doing some other thing to jolt them. I never quite understood why they may have done this until fairly recently.

When I'm sitting quietly, just paying attention to what's going on from moment to moment, sometimes a loud noise (a slamming door, or boisterous laughter in an office next door, etc.) will suddenly bring me to full, bright, empty alertness. Bam! Instant third gear. It's pretty amusing, when you think about it."

The Tibetans have a word for it: 'hedewa'-- means something like shock-amazement. They've developed a repertory of means to induce it.

And there was -- Issa, I think-- who heard the crow cawing over Lake Biwa, and that was his satori. Don't you love it when everything old is new again?!

Meditating in the car in a parking lot with eyes closed and then having someone knock on the window next to you is one heck of a way to get that shock-amazement. Happened this weekend