Owen's Practice Journal

"So, how do I level the hill? Or does it just level itself? What accomplishes it in the end?" ~Owen

It's hard to say exactly what happens, or how it comes about.

The one thing I do know is that you can't arrive at transcendence through denial or aversion to your basic, everyday, "nothing special" experience.

What helps me is to bring the practice back into my body. Breath with your whole body. Relax into what is. Every now and then, step back to notice the different facets of experience occurring simultaneously. There's emptiness, cognizance, and form; distinguishable, but not ever separate. Accept it all, and just pay attention. Practice not giving any facet of experience preference over any other. Actualize the fullness of reality with each breath. Don't bother trying to transcend your self. Just actualize what is true.

If suffering gets in the way, then trace the suffering to its roots. Are there any processes of I-making or mine-making? If so, find them. Don't try to debunk or expel them. Just stay with them, noticing that they are causing you so much suffering. Dispassion will come as a natural consequence. It's not something you really have to do. It's not like solving a mathematical equation. It's a process of opening up and letting go based on what is seen to be true.

~Jackson

"Are there any processes of I-making or mine-making? If so, find them. Don't try to debunk or expel them. Just stay with them, noticing that they are causing you so much suffering."-Jackson

Hmmm... I'd go easy with this one. It's a double-edged sword. Rooting around for the sense of self can result in tail-chasing and false diagnoses of awakening (see MCTB). My preferred approach would be to 1) look for what does not change and 2) trust yourself to know when "done is what needed to be done." A good clue that you have completed the circuit would be an overwhelming urge to slap the Buddha across the face.

Awakening, like the end of the world, comes not with a bang but a whimper

A thought occurs and then everything appears in its place *where you expect it to be* as opposed to a place where you previously wanted it to be, or in some mysterious unknown place you were looking for. So the mystery will dissolve and you will stop seeking. You will, for the first time, be out of your own way..

Edit: Kenneth slipped in with his usual sage advice....

"Hmmm... I'd go easy with this one. It's a double-edged sword." ~Kenneth

Oh, it absolutely is a double-edged sword. I agree that looking around for a self-sense is often the wrong way to go. This is why I suggest it only when there is a great deal of suffering in the moment, distracting one from what is always true. Asking, "why am I suffering?" can be a good pointing to something important that isn't being acknowledged. Bringing such a process into awareness can aid in the process of letting go.

You're right to declare a warning here. The goal isn't to debunk a self-sense, so much as to open up to what is always true. In some ways I think that this driving force that keeps us on the ride just needs to exhaust itself. If we can gently discover the ways in which we are unnecessarily adding fuel to the fire, it may just help the fuel to run out more quickly. Just a thought.

~Jackson

The only thing I've ever seen that is the same across all states is the clear light. It's there whether I notice it or not. Should I rest in this?

(continued from above)

I should also add that I don't think "not finding a self" is tantamount to awakening. "Not-self" is a strategy for letting go, and letting go leads to awakening. And lately I've been pairing the not-self strategy with the tangible feeling of suffering. If one isn't suffering in the moment, there's really no reason to use the not-self strategy. Simply recognizing the truth is best, when one is able to do so.

Edit: This is by no means the only way. There are many find strategies for release. This is just one of the many techniques in my "yogi's toolbox" that I've found to be quite helpful when appropriate.

Hmmmm....

The knot that untied for me was much more about --

"Why is anything special?"

"How can anything be special?"

"WTF is it that I believe is special but really can't be?"

Pretty much like what Nick posted.

Thanks everybody. I don't think there has ever been this kind of open sharing from so many people who have actually gotten enlightened. This has done more to smash my false notions about what it is about it than anything I've so far encountered. I'm just stunned. Nobody else is doing this. This, right here, is the reverse of the mushroom culture.

You've been pretty open yourself. I'm so excited to see this happening and I hope you get it done really soon. I also hope you stick around and give others the little boost they need as well.

It's really something else. Thanks Kenneth and everyone else for doing this, you really don't have to.

"You've been pretty open yourself. I'm so excited to see this happening and I hope you get it done really soon. I also hope you stick around and give others the little boost they need as well.

It's really something else. Thanks Kenneth and everyone else for doing this, you really don't have to."

Oh, yeah. I'm going to be sticking around for a while.

What you're going through brings to mind something Duncan Barford posted over at the Baptist's Head site when he was summing up his "awakening".

You can read his whole (long) write up here: bit.ly/cAok4Y

But the thing that came to mind for me was the advice he got from Christopher Titmuss:
'You don't need to practice anything,' he said. 'Just attend to that which is not Emptiness.'

Just wanted to add that to the pile of advice. : )

I thnk the ripening fruit metaphor is still the most accurate, assuming accuracy means a lot in this regard.. It'll happen when it's going to happen and I really doubt there's anything "you" can do about it. I believe there are some signs you can pick up on but can one actively control the thing? I doubt it.

Ripening... yeah that's about what it feels like. The spring comes and the grass grows all by itself.

Ian,
'Just attend to that which is not Emptiness.'

Wow. That set off something...

"Oh, yeah. I'm going to be sticking around for a while. "

This Sangha is such a blessing

"Ripening... yeah that's about what it feels like. The spring comes and the grass grows all by itself.
"

Stare at the ice until it melts.

It's right in front of me. The heart sutra... form being emptiness was the easy part. Emptiness is also form. The world seems to be solidifying, coming into focus.

Just words. The key hasn't turned yet. Big energy movements, but I'm so tired now. An intuition that the ride drops me off right at my front door.

Something shifted. It's almost 3:00AM and I just woke up from a nightmare. I have them from time to time. This one was vivid, almost a lucid dream. I was lying in bed and these ominous skeleton like hands reached up from beneath me, but this time they didn't have anything to grab.

Something has definitely changed. Usually, I would be up working hard to calm myself down after a dream like that, but now I'm just sitting here, typing, and the anxiety that arose from it is no problem. The knot in my stomach hasn't changed, the world is exactly the same, but different. There is pain, but the suffering can't find a place to land. The sense of me and the sound of the air conditioner behind me is the same.

I'm not making any claims right now. I want to see if this is just a temporary state or if it continues. It feels so unbelievably ordinary. Processes continue, but they don't seem to be continuing anyplace special. Amazing. Not a revelation, a punchline.

The wheel keeps spinning but can't grip the road.

The statue of the Buddha on my shelf just got a raspberry blown at it. I feel like I can now get on with my life.

It's the same this morning after I've slept. So wonderful! I have the urge use my zafu as a giant hackey sack.

The whole thing reminds me of these lines:

This then is life,
Here is what has come to the surface after so many throes and convulsions.
How curious! how real!
Underfoot the devine soil, overhead the sun!
-Walt Whitman

Hey Owen,

Seems like progress. You may have to give it some time for it to become clearer. Raspberry to the Buddha , ROFL!

Nick

Stress at work, but now it's not sticking to anything. My emotional life is exactly the same, but it's just an emotional life, nothing really to do about it.

It feels like I suddenly looked up and realized that I'd been home the entire time. I'm sitting at work and trying not to cry from gratitude.

Cycling again. Just got up from a sit. It was there in the dukkha nanas, it was there in the 13th jhana. It is here right now.

It still hurts, I just know now that there has never been anywhere to go. There is fear, but there is no fear of fear. Pain, annoyance, reactions to it all, but it is all fine.
Is this what a single arrow is like? It feels like this is what life was like the entire time, only I never saw it before. The second arrow is also the first.

Whatever it is, I'm okay here too.

Well certainly soon to make any conclusions, the brilliant thing about attainment is whatever attainment you have, you have, weather or not you claim it. Just keep looking at your experience honestly and keep reporting...

Thanks Clayton. For now, right. No conclusions. Rather have the freedom to just be with what ever this is. I can tell you though it's wonderful. Except when it's not.
I feel like I can finally be a regular, boring human for the first time.

This kinda sums up the mood: