Ron's Stream-Entry Journal

Trust your gut, Ron! Whatever is calling to you, whatever is "up" for you is the cutting edge of your practice; if you follow it, you will make progress. Everything we do, from the jhanic arc to vipassana to Mahamudra to the 3 speed transmission--it's all a means to an end. We can let go of any or all of it at any time, pick it up again later, dump it again--it doesn't matter. The objective is freedom from suffering. So don't hesitate to step off any of these rafts at any time.

Thanks for the support Kenneth, it is gratifying to hear that in the midst of something as confusing as this shift.

Yesterday I sat for 40 minutes and began by taking the perspective of the witness. I went up the jhanic arc up to PL 4 (and possibly 5, but they are difficult for me to distinguish), and rested there, soaking up the warmth and good feeling, along with the thinning out of the sense of me. Then I began rooting around for 3rd gear again. I first tried by asking who was watching the witness, and felt a distinct outward shift, as if the witness itself were expanding. It reached a kind of limit that is difficult to put into a physical analogy, but I'll try because I think it would be helpful - it was as if it formed a bubble around the head, neck and upper shoulders, bulged out about half a foot in each direction and couldn't go further. At this point a sensation of light began to appear all around me, and it was very dim, as if someone were waving a flashlight around in the dark but at a great distance. There was a clear perception that "I" was standing in the way of it expanding further. I switched from asking who is seeing the witness to letting the environment see me as Kenneth suggested. The result was that there was this feeling of going in and out of the 3rd gear (I think). It is very hard to describe what it felt like at this point, partly because I didn't get a good long taste of it, but also because it seems very subtle and difficult to explain.

I stayed in this situation for a good 25 minutes or more and during this time I experienced a lot of cessations, far more than I have ever experienced in a single sitting (perhaps 10). This left me with a really "spaced out" feeling for the rest of the day. "Aloof" is another good description that I've heard. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't pleasant either, just spacey.

Hi Ron,

I enjoyed getting caught up on your journal. It's great to see how dedicated you are to the path of practice. Makes me happy

I know you've been exploring the seemingly elusive 3rd gear. When I was getting my feet wet with this practice-realization (as with 3rd gear 'practice' and 'realization' are more or less indistinguishable, i.e. non-dual), I found one book particularly helpful; that is...

Quintessential Dzogchen: Confusion Dawns as Wisdom, by Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche, et al.

This book is great at pointing out what I believe Kenneth had in mind for 3rd gear practice-realization when formulating the 3ST the first time around. He and I used to make reference to it often in email conversations while he was helping me with the initial process of opening up to it..

The great thing about this book is that large portions of it are available for free at Google Books: bit.ly/ik16fZ

On a more personal level, I'd encourage you not to think of 3rd gear as anything complex and Big and Cosmic. It is actually really quite simple, so much so that it is easy to overlook. One of the best times to recognize our basic openness, our natural selfless presence, is first thing in the morning when the mind is well rested. Lay back, breathe, and just "be". Don't take the openness as object - rather, "be" the openness. It is, as the Zen people say, "nothing special."

I'd love to hear more from you about this. Keep up the excellent practice journalism!

-Jackson

Thanks Jackson - I'm going to take a look at that book right now and see what I can get from it. It is good to getting some grounding advice about this (don't take it as complex and cosmic), because it is hard not to think of it as ineffable. Especially when it is talked about in ways that are difficult to understand without deeper practice, like referring to it as "non-dual" and "timeless." Conceptually I can get it, but have no clue what that is like in experience. I have the distinct feeling that I am getting closer and closer to it though. I'll keep posting!

Relax into your experience as much as you can, Ron, and let the universe flow. Do your best not to have any influence and make any meaning. Like Jackson says, just be.

Thanks for all the support and advice, I can feel a subtle but real shift taking place that I think is something akin to dipping my toe into 3rd gear. I'll keep everyone up to date.

A question - Has any experienced third path as a negative experience? I having some irritability and general crankiness that is similar to what I went through back in my first DN. I'm not sure if it is practice related or holiday-stress.

"Thanks for all the support and advice, I can feel a subtle but real shift taking place that I think is something akin to dipping my toe into 3rd gear. I'll keep everyone up to date.

A question - Has any experienced third path as a negative experience? I having some irritability and general crankiness that is similar to what I went through back in my first DN. I'm not sure if it is practice related or holiday-stress.
"

For what it's worth, I went through some wicked DN's as I cycled through 3rd path. I think it's part of the lesson that the freedom isn't in any of the new states to which we now have access. Focus on where the anagami experience isn't satisfying, that's where the work remains.

interesting Owen - I think I may be having a similar experience. Right now it feels as if I'm coming out of a DN cycle that was harsher than usual for me. On the other hand, I am also getting an understanding of the aloofness that Nik describes. It is no fun, but I can easily step away from it...

3rd gear: last night and this morning I had what may be the clearest 3rd gear experience yet. The trick was to follow Chris' advice and try not to "have any influence and make any meaning." When I set that in the front of my mind as my intention and just let go, there was a feeling that was new and quite nice. An expansiveness accompanied by a swell of energy. Additionally the sensation of light kicked up and I felt almost bathed in it. The sensation became palpably stronger the more I let go and stopped trying.

It is tricky because, as Antero pointed out to me, there really is no object. This makes it an entirely new skill, and totally different than what has propelled me along thusfar. I have a bit of a negative reaction to it, because a part of me wants to have a clear object and a clear place to rest the attention. In this case, the object is that which takes objects! So I can't use my normal tricks to see it and concentrate on it.

Learning to concentrate with no object may be what has been leading me to feel a little jaded with the jhanas. With each successive jhana I became bored with the one before it, outgrew it, and moved on to a new object which blossomed into a new jhana. Now I'm outgrowing having an object, and so I'm outgrowing the jhanas. So for now they feel boring. I'm sure they will become interesting once I am accessing 3rd gear more consistently.

"Learning to concentrate with no object may be what has been leading me to feel a little jaded with the jhanas. With each successive jhana I became bored with the one before it, outgrew it, and moved on to a new object which blossomed into a new jhana. Now I'm outgrowing having an object, and so I'm outgrowing the jhanas. So for now they feel boring. I'm sure they will become interesting once I am accessing 3rd gear more consistently."

It might be easer not to think of 3rd gear as something you access, but rather something you notice. It's always right in front of you, it's just experience. You can't avoid it, but you can fight it. It's what's there when you stop fighting or questioning your own mind and body.

"It might be easer not to think of 3rd gear as something you access, but rather something you notice. It's always right in front of you, it's just experience. You can't avoid it, but you can fight it. It's what's there when you stop fighting or questioning your own mind and body."

on 3rd gear:
couldn't have said it better!

This could just be the result of lack of sleep due to the baby, but this part of the path feels just awful to me!

When I sit, I can go all the way up the jhanic arc, up to the tippy top of the PL jhanas and I feel just bored and unhappy with the whole experience. I was trying 3rd gear, but that is just confusing. I don't know what I'm doing and though I have some nice moments, they are nothing like the descriptions that people are using here. I'm having a lot of confusion. It feels like I've slipped into a dark night stage - The Knowledge of Confusion.

RIght there with ya! You just have to roll with it as it's, if my experience has anything to say, just another phase. Watch it roll out all sorts of wtf moments. Knowledge of Confusion indeed.

The best way I know how to get through stages like this is to sit down, intend to just stay with whatever sensations arise, and just deeply feel them. No riding the jhanic arc. No dwelling as The Witness. No recognizing primordial awareness. Just feeling the feelings of this moment. No direction. No goal. No agenda other than to just feel, acknowledge, accept, and hold lightly whatever comes.

It feels like hell sometimes, but any type of aversion to the experience is bound to perpetuate the problem. Let go, be human, and take notice.

You got this.

Jackson

Thanks for the advice - it is really helpful for me to hear that this is what happens and it is part of the package.

I just sat and tried to just let go and feel whatever came up rather than noting or trying either the witness of 3rd gear. I can't say it was as exciting as stumbling upon a new jhana or trying a different gear, but it did put me at ease in a way that is not totally clear. Right now, I'm just "holding" the confusion, just being with it and in it without trying to do anything. I'm really glad to get this advice.

Yes, Ron. Don't DO anything. Just be. Being is what you are, all the time.

"Right now, I'm just "holding" the confusion, just being with it and in it without trying to do anything. I'm really glad to get this advice." -RonCrouch

I think this is good advice for all of us, all the time. I wonder if anyone ever grows out of the need to be reminded not to take themselves too seriously. I know I haven't.

You gotta be light on your feet, all the time. "This is what I think; is it true? I don't know!" What a blessed relief that is!

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." -Mohammed Ali

What this means to me in this context is not to go around punching people or hurting them in any way, but rather that you have an idea that is appropriate to the situation, you act on at as best you can, as compassionately as you can, always keeping in mind that karma will kick your butt no matter how enlightened you think you are... and then you let the idea float away. You can't camp out in it. Yesterday's insight is today's hindrance. What do I know for sure? I don't know...

And life goes on. And it matters. Relationships go on, year after year, full of joy and sorrow. The karma train chugs on, as inevitable as the sunrise.

We work hard to wake up, to be present, to get enlightened, to be free. And finally, as before, your life is your karma.

"Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." -Galatians, 6:7 (KJV)

The Dhammapada says it this way:

"If you speak or act
with a corrupted heart,
then suffering follows you '”
as the wheel of the cart,
the track of the ox
that pulls it."

"If you speak or act
with a calm, bright heart,
then happiness follows you,
like a shadow
that never leaves."

-Excerpted from Dhammapada, (vv. 1-2, Thanissaro Bikkhu trans)

bit.ly/dEMxIA

I would say that this continues to be a very unsettling phase, generally very unhappy, but that I am getting used to its nature. What is so unsettling is that I feel cut adrift. It feels as if I have no cutting edge anymore, or if I do, it is very hard to find. Before, it was always very clear. The cutting edge was the next jhana or nana, the next path or the next speed of the transmission. Now, when I sit all sorts of wonderful states are available, and while I'm experiencing them they can be very nice (the PL jhanas especially), but there is this nagging dissatisfaction, a sense that all of it is really suffering, and without a cutting edge, a lack of direction about what is the way out. It is a cosmic frustration tolerance test!

I've backed off trying third gear for now. It was creating more doubt than results. Rather, I'm trying to get back to basics and do more noting and be mindful of what is arising moment to moment throughout my day. This is also very unsatisfying, but it feels like the right thing to do. When appropriate I'm using 2nd gear, though the instances where I can use it are getting pretty slim given the growing family responsibilities and interpersonal nature of my work.

Oddly, given the overall dissatisfaction, I am very energized and productive. It reminds me of the first DN I went through, when I suddenly got a bunch of work done on my dissertation. This has a similar feel.

The knowledge of confusion rolls on...

Keep it up Ron, you are doing good. The suffering you are describing is the classic anagami dilemma. What's left? What remains to be done? That annoying, nagging sense that something remains unresolved.

You've got all the fun toys (mental states) that Buddhist technology can offer you, but the solution isn't there, in fact the unabashed pleasure of the state is part of the problem. These are the golden handcuffs.

"You" are still looking for a solution to "your" problem. But the solution isn't a an endless state of pleasure and escape. It's right here, right now. This. In the end, the solution is giving yourself permission to let go of the problem! "You" could never solve it.

You sound really close. Good luck!

I had a really good chat with Kenneth today and it is always good to get directions especially when things get difficult. My conclusion is that what makes this such a difficult phase is that the linear development seems to have stopped and something else needs to get done. Before, there was always a clear next step, but now that is gone. It is as if I walked a steep path up a mountain, have just got to a place just short of the summit and the path just disappears. What do I have to guide me? After talking with Kenneth, I realize now that the next step isn't to do more noting, or to perfect a jhana or perfect 3rd gear, but rather, it is to use all of these things to stay in the moment and keep disembedding. There is not a next step per se, there is only a deepening of what I've developed thus far into this moment.

What does this mean in terms of my practice? Well, I am going to do whatever practice feels right in the moment in order to stay present and not get caught up in thoughts or emotions that might carry me away from the moment. What I'm finding is that the typical sitting meditation isn't cutting it anymore. It is nice and I'm still doing a sit each day, but I'm finding that most of the work is taking place off the cushion now. I'm focusing on constantly bringing the mind back to this moment wherever I am and whatever I'm doing.

This looks a lot like what everyone has been recommending to me already (go figure!). I'll keep posting and keep everyone updated on what happens.

It is ironic that I'm getting close, because it feels farther from done than ever before!

I don't know if it will help but it seemed to trigger soemthing in me: Chris's posted this on my first practice thread:

THE NON-SACREDNESS OF ALL PHENOMENA!!!!!!!

I didn't use that many exclamation points.

"
I didn't use that many exclamation points.

"

Haha! I added them to emphasize how helpful it was. **tips hat**

Ron, thanks for keeping the forum up to speed on your practice and progress. Sincerity really shines through in your posts, which is such a breath of fresh air for me.

If I may offer my own understanding of this territory...

Up until this point, you've been able to use meditation as a way to cultivate certain qualities of attention, access refined states of consciousness, pass through stages of insight, attain cessation, and enjoy the fruits of reduced suffering that comes along with each accomplished training. Awesome!

But, it's clear that you've reached a place where this isn't providing the same degree of relief it once did. The honeymoon phase of each training is fading away. A bummer, yes. But a great opportunity.

Now, you know how CBT researchers are always talking about "mechanisms of change"? For example (for those unfamiliar with the concept), claustrophobia can be understood as resulting from anxiety/stress due to an intolerance of the physical sensations related to (1) lack of personal space, and (2) suffocation. As counter-intuitive as it may seem, putting one's self in an environment which exposes them to these two "mechanisms" (the ones that react to lack of personal space and suffocation), for a long enough duration for the anxiety to peak and then drop to lower levels, is a way to re-train the habitual reponses to not react the way that they used to. In other words, the only way to really change the response is to face it head-on. More importantly, though, the research shows that practice does bring change (when done properly).

(continued below)

(continued from above)

So the, I think the stage that follows the honeymoon phase of states, stages, and modes is really looking into this feeling of "not done" in any given moment. Is there stress? If so, it's probably some kind of aversion to experience. Any way that you can stay with the experience that gives rise to the feelings of aversion is the next step. Noting is a good way to stay with experience, but only as long as it is not used as a way to distract one's self from the stress/anxiety resulting from aversion to experience. In my opinion, it's important to note the right stuff. I don't think the point is to jam up the mind so it doesn't react. Rather, persistence in staying with experience while reaction runs its course is a way to re-wire (so to speak) the way the mind responds to experience in the future. In other words, discover your mechanisms of change I would encourage you to "do whatever you think is appropriate", so long as you keep in mind that the point is to deal with the problem of stress, not to distract yourself from it. (This seems like a no-brainer, but I can't tell you how many times I've been caught by this when I wasn't keeping an eye out for it.)

This is a really long, round-about way of encouraging you to visit the places that scare you, and stay as long as you need to in order for it not be scary anymore. Go there, stay present, allow your body and mind to do what they do, and don't move. "Take the one seat" as they say. It's no longer about going somewhere else. It's about learning to be right here.
As you know, change does occur. It happens quickly in the beginning with good practice. But, after a while progress comes more slowly, and requires a lot more effort than before. Some might say that's just the nature of change. But I know you're in it for the long haul.

As I said before, you got this!

Yeah, that's good advice.

It helped me to focus on that which I did not know. There was one remaining place in particular that I was afraid to look, to see, and upon seeing that place the scales tipped. It happened instantaneously.

Snap!