Ron's Stream-Entry Journal

Things appear to be settling down and this stage is becoming less aversive. It really was like a kind of dark night there for a while.

The practice of being aware in the moment is just as challenging as it ever was, and it really feels like pre-stream entry all over again. So, the primary practice is noting. My goal is to just stick with whatever happens.

If I do a sit and build concentration, I notice that there is a strong tendency for awareness to expand, with or without any intention. The sensation that accompanies this is pleasant and there is light as well, however, there still has not been anything like 3rd gear as described by others. The main thing though is that I'm not trying. Whatever happens, I just accept it and see what's next.

I'm sitting less and less, and trying to focus my efforts more on disembedding in "normal" life. This feels like a lot of work. It is not easy and it takes an effort to constantly return to the moment. But I have some good instructions that this is what needs to be done now.

When I do sit, the feeling of expanding awareness is getting stronger and stronger, and now there is a powerful sensation of light and energy that accompanies it. Kenneth is pretty sure it is A&P, and this makes sense, though it feels much stronger than any of the prior experiences.

Question: At third path, do folks just keep cycling like they do between 2nd and 3rd, or is a one-shot deal, like first path, where you go up the arc and get path at equanimity - or is it something totally different?

"Question: At third path, do folks just keep cycling like they do between 2nd and 3rd, or is a one-shot deal, like first path, where you go up the arc and get path at equanimity - or is it something totally different?" -RonCrouch

Lots of cycles, Ron. Cycles and cycles and cycles. The fatigue with cycles is one of the defining characteristics of this stage.

"Lots of cycles, Ron. Cycles and cycles and cycles. The fatigue with cycles is one of the defining characteristics of this stage."-Kenneth

Yep. All kinds of cycling. Over and over, round and round. It can be particularly frustrating at this point, because of the 'fractal-like' nature of cycles that many experience. It becomes less and less easy to predict why an experience is occurring (in terms of sequential unfolding), and so the yogi really begins to lose their sense of control over the process. Scary, but really, really good.

The only thing you can control at this point (at least the only thing that matters to try and control) is being attentive to present experiencing. "What is my experience right now?" No tricks. No special pre-formed insights from which to interpret your experience. Just, "What's happening right now?"

You how in Gestalt therapy they talk about "The Paradoxical Theory of Change"? It's like that.

Jackson

Something has changed but I'm not sure what. It's certainly not 4th path, but more like a deep calm has suddenly settled into what was a difficult situation. I still feel dissatisfaction with the states and stages, but in some way that is difficult to explain the dissatisfaction is less of a problem. I'm just going with it now, seeing where it leads. Most of my practice is off the cushion now, watching the sensations rise and pass away and trying to find some peace that is with them but not of them. The search goes on, but this time the cutting edge isn't a stage or a state, it's what is happening in terms of raw sensation and what my mind does with it. I'm noticing the sensations, even the unpleasant ones, really aren't all that unpleasant until the mind says that they are, and that the sensation and what the mind does with it is a distinction that is becoming clearer and clearer to me.

Funny that this is where I'm at. It feels like beginning the practice all over. I started off with the idea that I would be in some super-state beyond all this. Go figure. Here I am.

"Funny that this is where I'm at. It feels like beginning the practice all over. I started off with the idea that I would be in some super-state beyond all this. Go figure. Here I am.
-Ron"

Hi Ron

This is exactly how I felt after what I believe was the 4th path moment. It took me some time before I discovered all the changes that really had occured. Keep us posted!

Mudita,
Antero

Oooh man, things can change in a heartbeat! Sounds like it's a good turn of events even if it isn't 4th.

It feels pretty uneventful, so I don't think it was path, but it feels like things just got a lot calmer. I'm content to go with the process, whatever comes, even if it's not all that exciting. It just seems like things are OK now. Not great. Not spectacular. Just fine. I'm in a good place for more to happen, so we'll see what comes next, and I'll keep posting.

Calmer is good.

Yep - much calmer. Today I was irritable through much of the day. Probably the result of having too many glasses of wine the night before (forgive the personal stuff), and I noticed that the irritability was really all physical. Everything came back to some physical sensation, some tightness or discomfort in the body. Even though I was experiencing unpleasant sensations, and there were moments when I was definitely caught up in them, I could easily lift awareness out of the sensation and just watch it. I tried Kenneth's technique of grounding the body sensations and not only did it sooth many of them, but a wonderful pleasure began to fill the body. I tried grounding that too but kept losing it each time I did so.

I sat for about 30 minutes and started out in the witness, but I kept losing interest in it. Instead, awareness just keeps spreading outward and softening. A&P-type raptures happen now and then, with light and blasts of energy, but there is not discernible movement along the arc.

The knowledge of confusion seems to continue, but the desperate need to know where I am or what is going on in terms of paths or states is rapidly fading. I just don't care much about that stuff anymore.

"I sat for about 30 minutes and started out in the witness, but I kept losing interest in it. Instead, awareness just keeps spreading outward and softening. A&P-type raptures happen now and then, with light and blasts of energy, but there is not discernible movement along the arc.

The knowledge of confusion seems to continue, but the desperate need to know where I am or what is going on in terms of paths or states is rapidly fading. I just don't care much about that stuff anymore." -Ron

Beautiful stuff, Ron. Sounds like you're going about this in a beneficial way

Jackson

Whatever is happening it is... well hard to put my finger on. Everything seems to be way calmer. The dissatisfaction that I had for a while just evaporated. I do feel like I finished something up, and something different is happening. However, this is not spectacular. It isn't revelatory or mind-shattering. I don't feel greatly inspired or even very different. So I'm not sure what is happening. The only thing I can say for sure is that I feel calm and content. It isn't a big deal.

"
The only thing I can say for sure is that I feel calm and content. It isn't a big deal.

"

Sounds like progress to me Ron!

Hey Ron, can you identify a specific time/place that this change occurred?

Yes - I think that it happened while I was meditating in the chapel at the hospital last week. I was sitting for about 40 minutes had a pretty heavy cessation that was very relaxing. Ever since then, I've felt pretty chilled out.

So what was on your mind as you sat, before the cessation? Was it a question? An observation? Space?

That's hard to say exactly. I was going back and forth between this new development which is the sense of expansion in the field of awareness and raw attention to the sensations without noting. I know that the fruition happened while I was attending to the sense of expansion.

I'm not sure what this is. It can't be fourth path because it feels like nothing really happened.

I just sat for 30 minutes and I think that 3rd gear is starting to happen.

What is going on is that there is a shift in perspective taking place. At first it was pretty subtle but now it is coming into greater focus. The shift at first felt like an expansion of awareness, but recently it also feels like a "stepping back" from observing the field of awareness and just being the awareness itself. That is a fuzzy description at best, but there are a few things about it that stand out. The first is that my attention feels greatly reduced to the moment itself, without much tracking of anything. If I hear a sound I don't follow it to the next moment and create a mental image of it (as much - it still happens a little), or pull together sensations into something other than what they are that second. Along with this, there just isn't much cognizing. I don't seem to be doing much of anything except hanging back and watching. It feels as if it is a perspective from a point in the process of experience itself, and that point is just before all the busy stuff the mind does. No stories, no interpretation, no ideas, very little "me" involved.

This is new, so I'm still getting a feel for it, and it is not very strong yet. But it does seem to fit with the descriptions people are giving.

For what it's work, looking back at the past few months probably the most prominent shift from the 4th path moment is just a sense of calming down. There are certainly some developments in insight and meditative depth, but nothing so present as this hard-to-place sense of calm.

I should say, the calm goes away at predictable moments, and there are some days where I feel oddly regular--like I know all that's happened but it sorts of feels like it hasn't. But then the calm comes back faster than I'd expect and seems to just hang around. If I abstract it out, it relates to the self seeming pretty consistently unreal when I look straight into it. But it's more like a strange tranquilizer is being dripped into my head, which sounds creepy but it actually pretty great. I'd also say the cumulative impact is much more important than the moment of insight itself. Memory just backloads onto the moment.

All this is by way of saying: If the calm hangs around for no great reason, I'd be inclined to say congrats!

Mark

Nice, Ron, Sounds like "stay tuned" is the right approach. I'm always interested in your observations because you have a very objective POV on even your own experience.

What is your experience of "self", Ron?

Yeah - I'm with you Chris on the staying tuned. Right now it seems like things are becoming clearer each day so if this is it then it will come out soon.

Nik - that is a REALLY hard question for me to answer right now! My sense of self doesn't seem like it has change much on the surface at all. But, if I zero in on it and really ask what I'm experiencing, well, there is just the awareness of sensations and the thoughts and the views and all that stuff, but the "me" that pulled it all together as something solid seems to be really faded out. What is strange about it is that it isn't obvious to "me" that this is the case. I have to look to see it. Maybe that will change. For now it feels like nothing happened except that I calmed down, but if I look deeper, something more has changed. It is so subtle though, and hard to put my finger on.

Tonight I went to what was supposed to be an introductory music lesson that turned out to be kind of advanced, and the teacher kept correcting me in front of a big group of people. I definitely felt embarrassed and anxious, but those feelings just popped up without a lot of thinking, narrative, or self-making. They faded away pretty quickly too, and I was just calm again.

It is strange, as though I have a choice about how I want to experience things. I can be fully immersed in the self-centered perspective if I want to, because all of that mentality and emotionality is still working just fine and is busy doing what it has always done, but I can also step out of it very easily. With no real effort I can just be.

I think the most important thing to note here, Ron, is that your practice is really maturing. You're learning how to skillfully navigate your way through stressful times, which allows you to pass through your difficulties and experience the resulting peace and well-being.

I wouldn't be a good dharma pal if I didn't encourage you to stay very, very open minded about things like attainments or stages. My friend Stuart has a tendency to the rug out from under me every time he reminds me that, "There is really no place to put your feet!"

Through practicing the dharma we learn to move through difficulties when they arise... and they most certainly will continue to arise.

Nice work Ron!

Everything you have described sounds very familiar to me: peace, contentment and a vague sense of beginning all over. A totally non-spectacular transformation that makes one wonder if everything just stayed the same or changed completely.

Mudita,
Antero.

I'm beginning to think that this is fourth path. I've talked with Kenneth about it a couple of times and have been checking in with myself a lot to see if anything has changed. Here's what I can say for sure:

- Two weeks ago the only thing that I could think about was how dissatisfying everything is and how much I just needed to get this thing done. I was meditating every day and noting my butt off during the day. Today, I don't even think about that stuff. It's like it just evaporated.

- I feel very calm and peaceful. There have been tons of opportunities for me to get upset and rankled about all sorts of hassles. But even though irritation, embarrassment, frustration, etc. comes up it's like it runs out of steam before it can be turned into anything substantial. What's left is just calm.

- I am beginning to feel happier. I just noticed this yesterday, but I think it has been building for a few days. This makes sense given that I'm not glomming on to the stressful stuff. Overall, I feel like I'm getting more "cheerful" in a very literal way.

- I'm interested in people. This is kind of new for me. Previously I was interested in people in more of an abstract way, in their psychology and motivations, etc. Now I just want to talk to people. Before, if I went to a coffee shop with a book and someone were to start a conversation with me, I'd likely get frustrated that I wasn't reading my book. Now I'd be happy to chat, or even start a conversation myself.

- All my same problems and hang ups still exist. They just don't matter anymore. I just don't care.

- pain and suffering are still very real. I stubbed my toe last night and it hurt like hell. That first arrow is still hard at work - but the second, the suffering of suffering, is greatly diminished.