Antero's pactise journal 2

For the first part of my practise journal see:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/39...B4s+practise+journal

I am starting a new thread as I feel that my practise has moved into a new phase. I am still confused as to what this might actually mean. As I talked to Kenneth yesterday he told me that it is natural to feel confused at this state as I am probably going through the Review phase and starting a new cycle of insight and could be moving back and forth between the phases for some time. He recommended that I would do a resolution to renounce the first path and ask to experience the highest nana of the current insight cycle. That is what I did this morning and that resulted in one peculiar sitting.

45 min sit after asana practise

Release of tension, vibration, release of tension, softness, tension, release of tension, feeling of moving through the strata of mind, sense of ease, release of tension, lightness, sense of effort dropping away, pleasure, vibration, fluttering, release of tension, pulsing, light,
This part took less than 5 min

Feeling of moving through the strata of mind, lightness, release of tension, body dissolving, expansion, space, light, fluttering, vibration, bliss, space, lightness, dissolving of the boundaries of the body, sense of ease, enjoyment, flickering of the mind which I observe for some time before it stops, expansion, space
This part took approximately 15 min

The body starts to feel heavy and I feel odd vibrations, cold shivers start running up and down my spine, tension, heaviness, cold shivers. I have a strange and vivid feeling that I am sitting in the forest and my body is turning into some kind of insects nest, aversion. My body is changing into a heap of some unidentified dark stuff and I feel odd vibrations and some pulsing and cold shivers. With interest I observe my body turning into a pile mud.

(continued)

Soon I start to feel small patches of pressure/vibration at my back. The patches are few centimetres across and they are rapidly appearing and disappearing all over my back. Then the lights go dark and slowly I am enveloped by some dark field of energy. The darkness is vibrating/pulsing asynchronously producing an effect very much like static. I fall deeper into this darkness and the static engulfs me. I am unable to observe the objects/sensations, all I can feel is the static. There is pulsing and vibrations which is chaotic and changing, although sometimes I observe some rhythmical pulsing for a while. I fall deeper into this strange state with less and less awareness of the body. There is no discomfort or frustration but still from somewhere came the idea to end the session and get up.
This part took approximately 15-20 min

Suddenly I emerge into space filled with light, sense of ease, release of tension, expansion. It feels very much like coming out from a dark cave into the sunlight. The body dissolves almost completely, bliss, waves of tingling sensations, vibrations, expanding, space. I feel my hands and feet separated from my body, everything floating and merging with the light. As I get more and more vibrations and tingling moving around, I feel only the tingles. My whole body is invisible or even nonexistent but I sense the outlines of it in those parts where the moving waves of vibrations are going at the moment.

I am still feeling amazed by the intensity of the sitting. I can imagine that an acid trip could feel something like this (although no first hand experience).

Arising and Passing (4th Insight Knowledge) of the new cycle? Could be. Keep us posted.

Starting Solo Retreat
4.8.

Sat for 30 min in the evening

I started with noting: confusion, hard to find objects, lacking concentration, feeling of moving through some strata of mind, but hard to put on the map. Then switched to the Wheel and started to look for pulses and vibrations around the third eye. As I observed the pulses/flickering, meanwhile in the background:

Aversion to sitting
Discomfort at the lower back
Pressure at the left shoulder
Thinking about stopping the sit because of the discomfort

As the vibrations turned more subtle, the feelings of discomfort vanished. I began to slip into hypnotic trance state similar to sleep, quite enjoyable. There were a lot of subtle vibrations when doing relaxation in savasana afterwards.

Solo Retreat DAY 1
5.8.

4.00 '“ 5.30 Ashtanga vinyasa practise
5.30 '“ 6.15 Sitting
6.15 '“ 6.30 Relaxation

7.30 '“ 8.30 Walking meditation
8.30 '“ 9.15 Sitting
9.30 '“ 10.15 Sitting
10.30 '“ 11.00 Walking meditation

It was easy to maintain panorama attention during the asana practise, although the mind tended to wander unusually often.

45 min sit after asana practise

I started with noting: release of pressure, tension at the third eye, release of tension, imaging thought, waiting, investigation, rising and falling, waiting, strange vibration/pressure at the left shoulder blade, dullness. It felt like I was surrounded by grey fog. There was feeling of confusion as there seemed to be very few objects note. I noticed some vibration around the eyes and started to observe it without noting. There was faint fluttering of the mind and some tactile pulsing at the third eye. There were also some auditory components to the fluttering but I tried to focus on the tactile sensations. At some point the vibration turned into steady pulsing sensation at the third eye. The mind wandered often.

The vibrations vanished and I turned back to noting. I was feeling sleepy and there were a lot of dream like imaging thoughts or even bits of dreams. After some time I managed to start the fluttering again and brought the attention to the borderline between samatha and vipassana. The vibrations, pulsing and fluttering around the eyes and the third eye were very subtle and mind was wandering, drowsiness, tingling of the arms, sleepiness, mind wandering.

45 min sit

Noting:
Worrying thought
Tension
Interest
Pressure (left shoulder), release of pressure
Imaging thought
Planning thought
Odd pressure/vibration (left shoulder blade, unpleasant)
Tension (left shoulder, unpleasant)
Pressure (chest, unpleasant), pressure, pressure, pressure, release of pressure
Vibration around the eyes

The Wheel:
Raising the attention towards the third eye, gross fluttering
Lowering the attention, searching for the sweet spot, more subtle vibration (third eye)
Release of tension, lowering the attention
Observing the flickering which turns more and more subtle

Switching to noting when the vibrations vanish:
Release of tension, expansion
Light increasing
Focus widening
Sense of ease
Peace, release of tension
Blurring of the outlines of the body
Vibration, Flickering

The Wheel:
Observing subtle vibrations and flickering around the third eye

45 min sit

Aversion to sitting. This is the downside of solo retreats, no one to push you to the cushion. I stare at the cushion for some minutes before starting, but when I sit down, immediately feeling of ease and releasing of tension. Lightness increases and focus widens peace and some subtle vibrations, enjoyment. Flickering appears and I start to follow it.

I follow the flickering of the mind for some time and I start to feel discomfort at different parts of the body and think to stop sitting. Then soon after: sense of relief, letting go, tension drops, enjoyment.

The flickering fades away and I start noting. For some time there is a nice spacious feeling and sense of ease. Then discomfort starts at the lower back, tightening of the shoulders, discomfort moving to the left side, then changing into pressure at the left shoulder. The pressure starts to pulse at the left shoulder steadily and this leads me into deep concentration. With interest I follow all the tensions and discomfort appearing and disappearing again in different places.

After some time discomforts and pressures drop away and disappear, feeling of peace. I start to follow very fast and subtle flickering of the mind, release of tension, lightness.

Solo Retreat DAY 1
Continued

12.00 '“ 12.15 Sitting
12.30 '“ 13.15 Sitting
13.15 '“ 13.30 Relaxation
13.45 '“ 14.15 Walking meditation
14.30 '“ 15.15 Sitting

16.00 '“ 16.45 Sitting
16.45 '“ 17.00 Relaxation
17.00 '“ 18.00 Walking Meditation
18.00 '“ 18.50 Sitting

15 min sit while waiting for the food to be ready

As soon as I close my eyes, all the tension drops away, expanding, light, equanimity, lightness, peace, contentment. I follow rapid flickering/pulsing of the mind at the third eye.

45 min sit

Riding the jhanic arc between nanas 1-11 and back. Although I am doing the Wheel, the arc is very strongly felt. The dukkha nanas and 3C make my back squirm in discomfort. The progression of the nanas goes fast and I complete many cycles during the sit. Several consecutive sittings are very similar to each other.

Solo Retreat DAY 2
6.8.

4.00 '“ 5.45 Ashtanga vinyasa practise
5.45 '“ 6.45 Sitting
6.45 '“ 7.00 Relaxation
7.30 '“ 8.30 Sitting
8.30 '“ 10.00 Walking meditation
10.00 '“ 11.00 Sitting
11.00 '“ 11.15 Relaxation

12.00 '“ 12.30 Sitting
12.30 '“ 13.00 Walking meditation
13.15 '“ 14.00 Sitting
14.00 '“ 14.20 Relaxation
15.00 '“ 15.45 Sitting
17.00 '“ 17.30 Talk with Kenneth

60 min sit after asana practise

I end up in Equanimity in couple of deep exhalations, release of tension. It feels like a free fall through space and light. I notice vibrations and flickering around the eyes and start doing the Wheel. I get to relaxed state of mind and follow the changing vibrations, pulses and flickering around the third eye making very slight adjustments to the positioning and pressure of the attention. During relaxation I am completely enveloped in cool tingling energy.

60 min sit

It was very similar to the previous sit. I learn that after doing the Wheel for some time, it is possible to go deeper by dropping the attention below the horizon line and stay on the samatha side for a while before gently raising the attention back to the sweet spot.

The end of the retreat is coming near and I have very little desire to sit. The sittings are nice, except my back is aching and I feel dullness. When I am laying down in savasana after sitting I am buzzing and vibrating and sometimes getting jolts of energy followed by bliss. Other times I am spaced out somewhere between waking and dreaming.

50 min sit

I watch very subtle flickering of the mind. As I get deeper and deeper into concentration, body sensations grow fainter and I have no idea if I am moving through the nanas or not. Sometimes the flickering turns into pulsing of the third eye and I am swaying back and forth to the rhythm of the beats. I adjust the attention a bit and find ultra fast and very subtle flickering of the mind, energy building up and sense of bliss. There is no tension and no effort, just pleasant absorption.

My off the cushion mindfulness practise seems to have developed further since my solo retreat. It has started to become more integrated somehow. As I walk on the street I notice body sensations, feelings and thoughts effortlessly without noting. The awareness widens to include them all, the tensions disappear and I feel completely at ease. There is very little else than just being and noticing, the boundaries dissolve. It feels good and simple things become pleasurable. Or in the evening I can feel tired and irritable, those feelings get integrated in the experience and that's ok too.

There has been an increased Kundalini activity during the past week, like tingling on top of the head or at the base of the skull during normal daily activities. Sometimes energy can be especially active when lying on the bed in a relaxed state of mind. As I do conscious relaxation after asana practise and meditation I experience jolts of energy and vibrations and sometimes strong currents flowing in the central channel. I take it that these are signs that good things are happening.

There is not much to tell about my sitting practise nowadays, as all the sessions are very similar to each other. The jhanic arc ends up soon in equanimity where I practise the Wheel for the rest of the session. Sitting feels nice and I head for the cushion as often as possible. During the sitting there are a lot of vibrations, fluttering and strobing. Usually the energy starts to move during relaxation after the sitting, but sometimes there are waves of tingles and currents during the sitting also.

It is easy to get to the panoramic attention concentration during the sitting and thoughts are mostly absent. On the other hand at times it is hard not to fall into drowsiness or even asleep.

What a strange experience I had last night.

I remember a dream full of light. There was a surge of energy and I was shaking violently. Energy started building up, vibrations, bliss and excitement. I have no idea if I was awake or not but I remember thinking that something wonderful is about to happen. The shaking was so violent that I thought that it will wake up my wife who sleeps beside me. There was a strong wave of bliss and the shaking stopped. I do not remember much more except a feeling of great relief. The whole thing felt exactly the same as the fruitions I had when I got the first path. If it was not a fruition, then it was a very very convincing dream of a fruition.

40 min of sitting after asana practise

This sit felt different from the ones I have been having lately. It started from the A/P and the jhanic arc took me fast to the 8th jhana and back to the A/P the same way. The same cycle repeated second time. There was a lot of vibrating and fluttering all the time, but I did not investigate those sensations further. I just watched the jhanas arise and pass grooving on the sensations. Sitting felt very relaxed and easy and everything just happened on its own. When I was in the 8th jhana the second time, I tried to induce a fruition by concentrating on the third eye. There was this distinctive feeling of bliss and building up of energy, but the fruition did not happen.

Congratulations on succeeding with a solo retreat. Solo combined with Skype with Kenneth sounds very good. It sounds like your practice is doing great!

Thanks Mark!

I have been completely amazed by the progress I have made during past three months. Contact with Kenneth ensures that I will not stray far from the trail and this Sangha is boosting my motivation to keep the necessary momentum going.

Presently I seem to have very little desire to sit, but I went for the cushion out of curiosity. It was very clear that I started at A/P: there was lot of gross vibrations, flickering and all that. Actually it was as if all the sensations were suddenly perceived as vibrations of some sort. Anyway the currents were strong and the body was twitching and jumping. As I moved through the dissolution, the quality of the vibrations changed to more subtle. It really became interesting when I slowly went through the dukkha nanas. The vibrations became irregular and their location changed all the time with some very interesting tingling/prickling sensations at the back of the head, neck and upper back. Everything smoothed out when I arrived at the equanimity.

The journey then continued through the arupa jhanas to the 8th jhana where I wished to have a fruition. I turned my eyes to the third eye watching for the stops in the flickering. The energy started to accumulate and the bliss waves came. Then all of a sudden the energy level changed and as the bliss faded I found myself at the 1st jhana unable to comprehend how that had happened. Just to make sure I let the arc take me back to the 8th jhana again and the same event repeated, except in a less dramatic way. All that I felt was a small jolt and some muscles twitched and there I was at the 1st jhana. Very undramatic.

If this is second path, it feels a bit of a disappointment. All aspects of my experience are almost identical to what happened some weeks ago when I got the first path. If some experienced practitioner on this forum would tell me that it is possible to accidentally get the first path twice, I would readily believe him/her because that's how it feels. There could of course be some weird loop that can throw you from the insight cycle back to the review phase neatly explaining all this, who knows?

"If this is second path, it feels a bit of a disappointment. All aspects of my experience are almost identical to what happened some weeks ago when I got the first path. If some experienced practitioner on this forum would tell me that it is possible to accidentally get the first path twice, I would readily believe him/her because that's how it feels. There could of course be some weird loop that can throw you from the insight cycle back to the review phase neatly explaining all this, who knows?"-Antero

There may be a simpler explanation, Antero. The experience of lights, energy, and shaking you experienced during sleep (post 13) was very likely an A&P event rather than a Path moment. If this is so, any fruitions you are having now would still be review fruitions from 1st Path.

The transition from First Path to Second can be a very confusing time and the temptation to draw conclusions prematurely can be almost irresistible. It is so easy to "script" your own progress once you know the map. I'm not sure where you are right now, but it will become clearer over time. Keep up the excellent practice and the clear reporting (but be slow to draw conclusions).

Kenneth

I am relieved to hear that Kenneth!

All conclusions have been put to hold for time being (feeling embarrassed :-x ) Now that I know that such a possibility exists, I am absolutely certain that is exactly what is going on. That dream got me jumping into conclusions and the unconscious did the rest to strengthen the illusion. No wonder I was having this feeling of déjà-vu

Antero.

[edited to make the emoticon look more embarrassed]

30 min sit in the train
I noted mostly solid sensations: heaviness, irritation, tension, pressure, dissatisfaction, aversion, constriction of the throat, fatigue, release of tension, discomfort. Just at the end of the sit I noted lightness, peace and release of tension.

60 min of sitting after asana practise

I cycled between the jhanas 1 '“ 4 '“ 1 with subtle sensations of vibration and fluttering. The transitions between the jhanas were fast and fluid and there were no gross sensations when going through the dukkha nanas, just felt faint vibrations if anything at all. The energetic qualities of the jhanas were more noticeable than usual with vibrations, feelings of joy and cool tingling. When the vibrations at the third eye became more obvious I paid attention to the tactile qualities of those flickering sensations.

It has been easy to get into the wide panoramic concentration during the off the cushion mindfulness practise, especially when walking outside. First all the bodily sensations get integrated into a wide diffuse ball of sensations. This can start from the sensations of the soles of the feet touching the ground and moving of the legs. Then I notice the feeling of the air moving in and out of the lungs, the softness of the diaphragm and movement of the hands. All these separate sensations get integrated into a general feeling of movement. As the attention widens I become aware of the sensations on the skin, like the brushing of the clothes and the feeling breeze. As all these sensations become united into one diffuse feeling of being, the eyes lose their focus and I feel lightness and happiness. The boundaries of the body seem to dissolve and as the attentions still widens to 360 degrees the awareness easily includes all the sounds and scents around me. Some of these sensations seem to arouse thoughts or emotions but it does not feel very important.

I have noticed a clear shift in my practise. I used to do mindfulness practise during the day to get momentum for the sitting practise. Now off the cushion practise seem to be my main practise and the actual sitting practise just helps to maintain the mindfulness during the day.

30 min sit in the train
I walked to the train doing mindfulness practise. As I sat down in the train and closed my eyes, the 11th nana opened up at once. The meditation developed into more subtle states and eventually I started to fall asleep.

30 min sit in the evening
I feel gross vibrations on top of the head descending down the body, joy and happiness. Momentarily mind wandering, remembering thought, pressure at the back, then the vibrations turn more subtle, enjoyment, strong currents of energy flow at the right side of my back between the root chakra and the head, strong fluttering at third eye and twitching of the body. Feelings of bliss, vibrations turn irregular then peace, expanding, light, vibrations, very strong vibrations and flickering at third eye.

I study the flickering and I feel moving down the jhanic arc in the background. I feel strange pressures moving under my skin like insects at my left shoulder blade. I go down the arc and rise up again. The energy gets more intense, vibrations, flickering and twitching, and I am rising up the arc fast. At the equanimity I observe the energy building up, intense vibrations, feeling of bliss, sharp exhalations, absorption. Then suddenly I slide down the arc very fast back to the 1st nana.

45 min sit

Pleasure, release of tension, pleasure, joy
Joy, light, feeling good, pulsing, smiling
Bliss, letting go, vibration at the third eye, peace, expansion
Irregular vibrations
Release of tension, space, equanimity, vibrations, flickering

At first I thought that I must be falling asleep as I felt like melting. The light increased and I felt the vibrations get stronger. It was as if I was watching everything from a single spot situated at back of my head. The feeling was pleasurable and I became slowly aware that I had somehow shifted to the Witness. There was no effort to maintain that state and I observed the flickering at the third eye. After some time the Witness melted away and I was just sitting in peace.