Antero's pactise journal 2

4th path is definitely not done, it is a new beginning as you say. But it is about being done with a particular aspect or way of approaching the process. What I notice is the absence of a certain kind of existential angst or ache that was present before, and from which I derived a great deal of my motivation to practice. I would wake up and meditate with a sense--I think Nick once put it this way--of "needing to get there" or of something needing to change.

During 2nd path as well as 3rd I had a number of major insights into the nature of self, into life, into the meditative process. These were and are still important, not fully digested. But I also look back and realize that there was an element of "escape mentality"--there was a way I was desperately pushing at the process, hopeful about experiences, and trying to get out of samsara. This was a bodily energy, strong and I think unavoidable. After 4th, what is different is that my desperate drive to escape is no longer what defines my practice. I still want and need to grow, to deepen, but it feels non-neurotic and not avoidant of the flow of things. Much more in line with a natural rhythm and unfolding. Because of this, it feels like my capacity to learn has increased deeply.

Anyhow, you sound like you are doing some fantastic work, and if you are not 4th path already you will be soon, I'm sure of it. I enjoy reading your posts and look forward to more!

Mark

Mark, I thank you for your kind words.

I think I can relate to what you describe as 'the absence of a certain kind of existential angst or ache that was present before'. Some sense of urgency seems to be gone and I feel quite content in just being present. I may have lost some other things also, but good riddance!

There is no difference if I sit or not. My body is with me wherever I am and that is just about all I need.

During the last couple of days the feeling of completing some sort of cycle or phase and beginning a new one has grown stronger. I feel like a blank slate, tabula rasa. I know nothing and there is nothing I need to know.

Metta,
Antero.

That sounds great--I'm no diagnostic champ, but you could be there (post 4th) already. I believe I've heard Kenneth say more than once that the feeling of being "of the ride" is the best indicator. Either way, your openness counts for much more since the journey continues after that.

Warmly,
Mark

A shift happened in my practise a few days ago and I am noticing some changes. I feel ok with just about everything and there are spontaneous feelings of happiness, joy and compassion. One month ago I went through a very similar phase, but it lasted only 9-10 days at that time. The list I made in post #115 describes pretty well how I am feeling now. In retrospect I think that back then I might have been going through 3rd path review phase, because then I started getting Nirodha Samapatti for the first time.

Nowadays, when I close my eyes, I fall almost immediately into a deep absorption of clear light. The breathing becomes very shallow, almost unnoticeable and there is no sense of the body except for the pleasurable streams of energy everywhere. This 3rd gear perspective seems to happen on its own volition.

On Autopilot

My resolution for the past two weeks has been 'I let the mind and body do whatever is necessary to get me enlightened as fast as possible', so it should not surprise me that recently I have had a feeling that I am no longer holding the steering wheel. When I am sitting, I normally just wait and watch things happen without doing anything. Nowadays this has led to an expansive state of awareness without a centre point, a state that Kenneth calls Mahamudra.

This morning I started meditation (after asana practise) by lightly holding diffuse focus on the body and waited. After some time I felt like closing my eyes. Soon came the usual changing of the perspective and increasing of light that signals the shift to 3rd gear perspective. Except this time the awareness of the body did not disappear as I was abiding in clear light. I inhabited the body in a very pleasant, wide-open and unconstricted way.

This state seems to have the best qualities of both of these practises: being focused on the body with no cycling through the nanas and at the same time feeling of lightness and expansion while being present in the moment.

I wonder if anyone else has experienced a hybrid state like this?

[Edited: At first deleted the description, but then chatted with Nick and decided that maybe I am onto something after all.]

"This state seems to have the best qualities of both of these practises: being focused on the body with no cycling through the nanas and at the same time feeling of lightness and expansion while being present in the moment." -Antero

I love what you are doing, Antero. Only good can come of this. When being awake is no different from getting enlightened, what more could one ask? See if you can keep allowing more into the circle until your practice is your life and your life is your practice; on the cushion, off the cushion, alone or with others, silent or in passionate conversation, there are no borders segmenting this from that.

"See if you can keep allowing more into the circle until your practice is your life and your life is your practice; on the cushion, off the cushion, alone or with others, silent or in passionate conversation, there are no borders segmenting this from that.
-Kenneth"

Thank you Kenneth for showing me yesterday what "allowing more into the circle" really means and how to open up to all our psychological garbage, that we normally want to hide in closets and basements. Let the housecleaning begin!

I have been 'off the ride' for one week now and it is time to consider what has changed in my life.

Brief Summary:

I am finding new ways of interacting with other people. I am more relaxed and open with others instead of normal disinterest and aloofness.

My general mood is joyful, happy and energetic. Negative feelings arise but do not stay for long. The balance is restored quickly.

I am much more connected with my body and mind. For me noticing mindstates has always been the most difficult of the Four Foundations of Mindfulness. Now thanks to the transparency of the body and mind, all of that flows smoothly and without effort.

There is a clear reduction of impatience, irritability, anxiety and restlessness. Also at work it is not hard at all to stay above the usual stress and pressure.

Negative and positive experiences are present in the same way as before, but I am more in sync with the world, rolling with the punches. Life is good!

Energetically there seems to be a process of rewiring and purging going on. The energy moves in intense waves through my body and sometimes I experience some sort of mini dark night for maybe two hours. There may be painful locks at the root chakra or unpleasant blockages at the throat, which are released after some minutes of discomfort.

When sitting I let the mind do whatever necessary, trusting that it will choose the best course of action. Usually it results quickly in non dual awareness of clear light. At times I lose awareness of the body and sometimes I abide in the light with the body present. Kenneth called this latter state Upekkha or true equanimity of the four Brahmaviharas.

How interesting it is to every day find some improved part of old me or a completely new feature!

Hi Antero, sounds like your practice is really paying off!!!
I'm facinated to find out what you mean by " non dual awareness of clear light " ?

keep on keeping on Steve.

"I have been 'off the ride' for one week now and it is time to consider what has changed in my life.

"

Ooooooh!!!!!
Nice! Let the spiraling begin!!!!
Congrats, Antero!

"
Energetically there seems to be a process of rewiring and purging going on. The energy moves in intense waves through my body and sometimes I experience some sort of mini dark night for maybe two hours. There may be painful locks at the root chakra or unpleasant blockages at the throat, which are released after some minutes of discomfort.

"

Th energetic surges and seemingly re-wiring process was my experience too. I think Clayton and Owen went through it as well. The mini dark nights are strange, no? Had them too.

"Hi Antero, sounds like your practice is really paying off!!!
I'm facinated to find out what you mean by " non dual awareness of clear light " ?
- Steve. "

Hi Steve,

I would agree with you. This is a practise that really works as advertised!

I descirbed my experiences about the non dual awaress or Mahamudra in posts #119-122. Nick and Jorge had also an interesting discussion about this topic starting from post #127 that you might find interesting.

Antero.

"Th energetic surges and seemingly re-wiring process was my experience too. I think Clayton and Owen went through it as well. The mini dark nights are strange, no? Had them too. "

Thanks Nick!

I find this energetic process of re-wiring really interesting. Could you veteran 4th path guys share a little bit about how long that phase lasted and what kinds of developments you went through? Did that process somehow deepen the insight that was gained at the path moment? I kind of expected a sudden revelation that would change everything once and for all. Instead I am finding a development that is unfolding and deepening every day.

Antero.

I have not been paying any attention to jhanas or nanas lately. Sometimes they present themselves in the form of 3C, A/P or dukkha nanas, which can be quite noticeable. Today I was sitting and staying with the body sensations and noting the accompanying mindstates at the same time. Then suddenly a thought occurred: 'I am not riding the arc. This is something else.' I examined the quality of the attention and came to the conclusion that I am having a state, in which cycling does not occur. As I was kind of feeling for any neighbouring jhanas, I came to the conclusion that I have to snap out of the current state to be able to get a jhana at all.

This is probably what Kenneth called True Equanimity the last time we talked. The first time I was having glimpses of this state, it felt like a mix of Mahamudra and Being with the Body. I was surrounded by the peaceful luminous space exactly like in Mahamudra, except the body awareness did not go away. Now there was not that otherworldly flavour of Mahamudra left at all. I was just present in the body vividly enjoying every moment of my existence.

The quality of attention was slightly different from jhanas and there was an energetic state that resembled non dual states that I am familiar with. I was full of energy that was felt especially at the upper arms and occasionally at the back. It was not too hard to maintain that state after sitting by paying attention to the body and mindstates as a whole.