Andy's practice journal

8/13

Nearly 5 hours of practice, including 3 longer sessions on-the cushion, driving/noting, walking.

Notable stuff:

1) Noted while drviing for an hour, then parked, set the timer for 40 minutes, closed my eyes, and started noting. The session started off pretty much the same as most of my sessions over the last month: initial shifts, then drifting in and out sleepiness. However, with about ten minutes left to go, clarity came and stayed. The sleepiness evaporated, the neck and back pain I've had for a few weeks went away, and I was left with this simple and light awareness, and a strong sense of relief until the end of the sit.


2) Got home, and started on the cushion, and was very quickly able to get and stay concentrated on my breathing. Counted up to 250, before getting interrupted by a muscle spasm in my back. Changed to the bed and continued counting. My body quickly got very tingly on the surface. I stopped counting after 350, and just watched my breathing for a while. Eventually, I started focusing on sensations of bliss and was able to bring up jhana for the first time in a very long time. Experimented with this for quite a while, rising up to 4th jhana and back down. Also played with the arupa jhanas, but even though I felt some differences between the 4 jhanas, it wasn't very overt, so I may have been scripting myself.

However, this is way more concentration than I've had in almost a month or so, and the effort to get to that concentration is very low. I'll be playing with this more after the vacation.

8/15 - 8/17

On vacation with the family. My opportunities to practice were fairly limited, but I got in some practice every day. I did have time for one noting session where I felt some state shifts and quickly got to what felt like whole-body restless-leg syndrome. The urge to move to relieve it was extremely strong, and I kept getting strong yawns. I lasted 20 minutes before I gave into it.

Other times, I basically tried to be mindful of my surroundings. I was also able to practice noting both as a driver and a passenger for short bursts here and there.

8/18, 40 minutes

Started with breath-counting, but sleepiness was stronger. Tried noting out loud and with my eyes open to no avail. Probably slept more than I noted. Afterward, ended up with a deep, heavy, slow vibration that took an hour to subside.

8/18, 65 minutes

Started with breath counting, and then immediately got tired. Fought sleep, but managed to count for 20 minutes. Switched to noting and got sleepy again. Was able to fight the sleepiness, but also had back and neck pain (both of which have been around for a couple of weeks). Noted in this unpleasant, tired state for 45 minutes.

It wasn't pretty or terribly focused, but it felt like a major win to be able to be awake during meditation.

8/19

60 minutes at lunch.
Set the chime for 40 minutes. Started with breath-counting, and to my surprise, didn't fall asleep. Had a few moments of drifting, but was able to count and stay focused for 20 minutes.

Started noting and felt some trembling and tightening in my eyes. Most of the early part of the noting felt disconnected and awkward, and I kept noticing pain and stiffness in my neck. I also noticed some tingling and coolness on my skin. Just before the 40 minute mark, I felt a widening of the space around me, and my body (and especially my neck) relaxed and the pain went away. There was little body sensation, but the soundspace was noticeable different, and there was more clarity and openness. When the chime rang the end of the session, I kept sitting. I felt some energy building up in my body and the sleepiness was completely gone by this point. A slight spaciness came and went occasionally, as did some light pulsing around the periphery of my vision.

Near the end of the sit, I felt a sudden contraction, almost like a physical shrinking sensation, followed by a pulse that felt like a fruition. The expected bliss wave did not materialize, however. I sat for 10 more minutes to see if anything else developed and then ended the sit. I ended up sitting 20 minutes past the chime.

As I write this almost 3 hours later, I'm feeling a bit of bliss and excitement. This has waxed and waned since the sit, but was fairly noticeable at times.

I'm on a roll. Two sits in a row without falling asleep.

8/19

25 minutes before work.
Was able to get into a flow of noting without falling asleep, and actually felt quite concentrated. When the chime went off, I was able to stay focused and note for the entire drive into work (30 more minutes).

8/19

The bliss from earlier mostly faded, by the time my workday was done. I sat and noted in my car for 20 minutes before getting on the road. Was not quite as concentrated as the lunchtime sit, and noticed that I was drifting off into though occasionally. Noted all the way home, although again, I drifted off of noting occasionally.

8/20

Immediately after waking up, I counted my breath for 20 minutes. Then, noted. It was very quiet in the house, and the rest of the session seemed dreamy, flowing, easygoing. I suspect that I drifted in and out of sleep a bit. Nothing spectacular or notable happened. Ended the session after 60 minutes.

8/22

Had a short sit before driving in, and a lot of minfulness on the drive in and, in fact, throughout the morning. However, the lunchtime sit was not so attentive. Back to sleepiness! 40 minutes of noting (Well, probably not really 40 minutes. More like 40 minutes of attempting to note).

8/23, 55 minutes

25 minutes of noting in the car in the commuter lot. Got concentrated fairly quickly, and noting flowed pretty well. Occasionally I would follow a thought, but I was able to restore the feel and flow of the noting easily. After 25 minutes, started the car and drove to work. Continued to note, and after about 10 minutes, noticed that I was really getting into the objects I was noting -- the glint of the sun on a car window, the line of the power transmission towers receding into the background. I also noticed a bit of bliss and excitement along with this.

This faded on and off for a while, but the ease and flow of noting stayed strong all the way to work.

8/23, 55 minutes

Started with 15 minutes of walking/noting meditation. Felt like I was getting into the flow. Drove to my meditation spot, maintaining noting. Parked and kept noting. Ten minutes later, I was falling asleep. Opened my eyes and tried noting. It went a bit better, but I needed to stretch and move every ten minutes to stay awake. I'll be glad when I get past the Knowledge of Sleep nyana.

8/24, 75 minutes

Another session that I stayed awake for!

Walked for 15 minutes, then drove to my meditation spot, parked, and started noting. Surprisingly, I stayed awake. Had a few shifts which felt disorienting, and I could see how if I was very tired, I could fall asleep from them. I had a number of shifts early in the sit, then for a long time nothing really changed much. I had fizzy skin sensations a lot of the time. I had dullness, wasn't highly focused, and drifted some of the time, but was able to note most of the time.

I never really got 100% okay with sitting (but was getting there), and it felt like I was fighting with something just to stay meditating.

8/24, 60 minutes in the evening

Second formal sit today. Started on an actual cushion, and spent 15 minutes with breath counting. I had a few runs of thinking, but not much. Started noting, and noted for 15 minutes more before the pain in my back got too intense. Moved to the bed, and noted for another 15. I had lots of tingly and fizzy skin sensations, and noticed that I really couldn't feel some parts of my body. Got to a point where I was just hanging out watching stuff happen. It's been a long time since this has been easy, and I noticed contentment and relief.

Eventually, more thinking kept coming up and I switched to breath counting again. Bliss and tingles built up in the front of my body, so I played with shifting jhanas. 1-4 were weak, but were noticeable. Interestingly, 6 and 8 seemed most noticeable in the arupa jhanas. I'm really not sure if I'm getting into arupa jhanas, or if I've scripted this, but the sensations in each seem consistent.

It's been a long time since jhanas were this available to me.

8/25

Woke up partially before the alarm went off. My whole body having this warm, wonderful, pleasant, tingly glow, and was feeling a lot of gratitude and contentment. Drifted in and out of sleep with this for a while, and finally went back to sleep.


Started with 30 minutes in the car in the commuter lot before work. Started with breath-counting, and concentration was just okay. I got lost in thoughts several time before I switched to noting. Quickly seemed to pass through the stages, and ended up noting and watching objects pass, feeling content, and a bit excited. The chime rang before the meditation felt complete.

Started the car and got on the freeway for my 30 minute commute. It was a sunny day and everything had this fresh look to it. I felt a sense of wonderfulness and aliveness, and it seemed like I could really focus on things, really feel my body moving in the car. I noted part of the time, but the rest of the time I just enjoyed the sense of attention to everything. This lasted a while into the morning for me.

8/26, 40 minutes

10x10 breath-counting, then noting. Brightness came up in my field of vision as soon as I started noting. After 10 minutes of noting, I had fine tingling and vibrations all over. Sometimes it felt like the vibration was flowing over one part of my body to another.

Several times, I stopped noting and phenomena just flowed in my awareness. The "flow" state was pretty neat. It felt like noting was superfluous and kept me separated from the flow. It literally felt like everything was a flow of sensations.

When this was happening, I focused on a number of sensations that implied a separate sense of observer, sense of me, mine, myself, I. Most of what I noticed was physical, in the back of my head, and in my abdomen.

Near the end of the sit, I started losing the thread of noting, so I counted breaths to get concentration back and then played with arupa jhana. I'd sure like to figure out if these are really coming up, or if I've managed to script this. When the chime went off, I tried to maintain 6th jhana while I drove to my office and attended a meeting.

8/27

During the night, I woke up with my body buzzing and tingling. I also saw quite the eyelid lightshow, and could even see some of the flowing patterns if I opened my eyes and looked at very dark part of the bedroom ceiling. I tried playing with the light patterns, and several times, I was able to bring up a lighter colored mass of light in the center of my vision.

25 minutes
When I woke up, I meditated in bed, and had a pretty unfocused session where I had a lot of body sensations, but it was very hard to tell if I moved through any nyanas.

45 minutes
Started with noting, and settled down pretty quickly. After a bit, my visual field brightened up, and faint blue speckles and lines appeared. In a bit, I noticed neck stiffness, and then my heartbeat became prominent in my chest. Soon after that, I seemed to lose focus on noting, and started getting involved in the content of my thinking.

I alternated breath-counting with noting whenever I'd lose focus. Eventually, my body became tingly all over. The focus of my attention seemed very internally-oriented. There was lots of drifting, and attention never really opened up wide.

8/28

25 minutes
Meditated in bed as soon as I woke up. It never really felt like the session took off. I was probably still not completely awake.

30 minutes
Noting on the cushion. Had eyelid brightness, then back pain, strong heartbeat, fidgeting with my breathing, and then things were okay. Back pain was still there, but down, and my posture felt better.

45 minutes
Out for a walk, doing walking meditation with focus on feet and breathing. In the middle of it, I sat in a park for a while, and was able to get calm and settled very rapidly. I felt peaceful, and was able to watch thoughts and sensations come and go, and was able to just watch what attention was being drawn to next. Opened my eyes and continued in this watchful state as I walked back. At one point, I was watching all this stuff happening and it occurred to me that I really didn't have control over what I was experiencing. My body was reacting automatically, but appropriately, for example, watching for cars before I crossed the street.

At that point, I think I understood a bit of what Nikolai, (or maybe it was Owen) was talking about after the disappearance of the "I", when he said he was sometimes surprised by what he found himself saying or doing.

Now, several hours later, I can pay attention with a wide awareness, and just wait with some curiosity, and see what I experience next. Pretty cool, but I'm a bit confused how intent works with this. Phenomena just seem to come and go on their own, but intent seems to affect things somehow.

8/30, 30 minutes

Walked and noted to warm up, and noticed that I could distinctly tell when I was embedded in thought, and when I was experiencing the senses and thoughts as objects.

Drove the 60 seconds to my meditation spot, and started noting immediately. It seems like I got focused quickly, and was watching phenomena. I started feeling a slow pulsing (maybe 1 HZ) that started off quite faint, and then got stronger. The pulsing was a bit compelling, and I found myself following it to the exclusion of sensory input. The pulsing kept getting stronger and more involving. I finally realized that I was getting seriously sleepy. I tried opening my eyes, but it didn't really help, and stopped after about 30 minutes.

8/30

I've been noticing a wider, spacious awareness when I'm by myself, when driving, when walking. When this is happening, it's pretty easy for me to sense the difference between when I'm embedded in narrative/thoughts and when I'm simply experiencing sensory stuff. Pretty neat.

40 minutes
Started by walking to warm up, and noticed the above awareness. Walked by some people that I knew, and the "hello, hey there" felt pretty automatic, and afterward, things settled back down to experiencing the walking.

When I started formal meditation, I counted 3x10 breaths and noticed that my eyes were twitching and that I was feeling energy surges in my body. Started noting. Pretty soon, felt a pleasant rush of body fullness, then in a bit, an angry/tense/aggressive scenario played out in my mind. Then, a bit of coughing and finally, okayness, and sounds, body sensations, some thoughts coming and going.

I hung out in this pleasant dreamy state, and some sleepiness and some stronger moments of clarity. One of the moments of clarity was accompanied by a sudden transition that felt like my body was suddenly leaning to the side 90 degrees. Then wakefulness, clarity, sounds, body sensations.

Having a little bit of bliss afterward.

8/30, 60 minutes

Started on the cushion and moved to the bed after a back spasm. Noted. Ended up in a dreamy state, probably drifting in and out of sleep and noting. When I'd wake/regain some clarity, there would be bliss, lots and lots of bliss. I cycled this way for a long time, and even after I got up, there was still a lot of bliss, and it lasted at least an hour after.

8/31

Got a few sessions in between driving to take care of odds and ends, maybe 45 minutes total. Ended up in equanimity both times in fairly short order.

I'll be gone till next week -- I'm taking part in DALMAC, a 320 mile, four-day bicycle camping trip that I've been training for all spring and summer. I'm planning on sitting in the evenings, and hope to be able to practice mindfulness and open awareness on the bike. So far, though, it's been pretty tough to sustain it on the bike. I'm curious how it's going to go.

See y'all next week.

I'm back from my bike tour (DALMAC 4-Day West), which I enjoyed immensely. We rode 329 miles in 4 days. For a variety of reasons, practice on the bike just didn't go. I rode with a group of two others, and was unable to maintain mindfulness for very long. I didn't have a lot time to practice off the bike, but I did manage to get some formal practice time in every day.

I had some curious events in the car on ride home. Long moments of clear awareness of the landscape around me would come up. I would look out, there would be this shift, and suddenly what I was looking at would come into sharper focus, thinking would disappear, and there would be this bare awareness of stuff going on. This would last maybe 5 seconds, and thinking would return. This happened over and over again, maybe for a half-hour or so. It has not reoccurred

On Monday, the day after I got back, I was able to do an hour of walking alternating with sitting meditation in the park, and practice felt, well, okay most of the time, and it seemed like I hit Equanimity.

I'm back to my regular schedule now, and am curious to see if I lost any momentum. For me, regular schedule means:
1) Sitting for about 10 minutes in my car before driving in to work, and then noting while driving for 30 minutes
2) A closed-eye lunchtime sit of around 40 minutes
3) Another short sit and more noting on the drive home
4) On the weekends, I'll meditate in bed after waking, and then will get a 40 minute sit in the evening

"I had some curious events in the car on ride home. Long moments of clear awareness of the landscape around me would come up. I would look out, there would be this shift, and suddenly what I was looking at would come into sharper focus, thinking would disappear, and there would be this bare awareness of stuff going on. This would last maybe 5 seconds, and thinking would return. This happened over and over again, maybe for a half-hour or so. It has not reoccurred
"

Do any of these descriptions sound similar to your new experience:
actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/others/corr-pce.htm

"Do any of these descriptions sound similar to your new experience:
actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/others/corr-pce.htm "

I'll read through the descriptions, but in the meantime, here's what I remember, Jayson:

The three-dimensionality of what I was looking at was obvious and interesting; I had some fascination with visual aspects of the object: color, shape, line, contrast, etc; my attention was pretty wide and included stuff at the periphery of my vision together with the specific aspect of the thing I was looking at; I remember hearing sounds, and also remember sensations in and on my body.

I remember feeling a sense of interest, but definitely not a "Wow! This is Cool!" I do not remember any feelings, but it may be that I just don't remember.

At first, nothing about it seemed unusual. After your comment, and after I thought about it, each experience seemed similar to what happens in the moment after I ask myself HAIETMOBA, except that this was happening by itself at first, and then later I could sort of "will" it to happen.

Jayson, I read the descriptions of the PCEs you posted, and some of what I experienced matched the descriptions, and some did not. A lot of the accounts talk about the experience in terms of amazement, incredible fascination, all-is-right-with-the-world kind of stuff. I did not get that, but then again, my experiences were short, and quickly faded. I've also had the "Wow!" experience before, so perhaps that aspect did not come through so much for me. It's also possible that my experiences were very mild this time.

Yes - my experience had this:
clarity of vision, lots of visual detail, not boring, fascination, directness of experience, stillness, quiet appreciation, noticeable contrast to everyday experience

No - my experience was not like this:
perfection, wondrous grandeur, innocence, rightness, enthralled with the majest of nature, amazement

I'll write about it if it reoccurs.