Andy's practice journal

10/13

Before work:
I felt tired and out of it when I got up, but sat for 30 minutes at home before driving in. Watched my breathing for a while until concentration was'good enough.' Started noting, and noted continuously for a while, but started to lose focus when things got a bit dreamy. Had a few episodes of pleasant body sensations flowing over me, had some drifting in and out of clarity, and not as much strong noting as when I started. I felt like I could meditate like this forever. When the chime rang, I got up, got in the car and drove to work, noting.

At lunch:
I spent a little time positioning my seat and my body to get better posture. My neck stiffness and pain has been getting better, but I didn't want to aggravate it.

I started with breath-counting, and pretty quickly I felt strong pressure behind my eyes. This went away shortly as I kept counting and watching my breath. I started noting after it seemed like concentration was not getting any deeper. Initially, I was noting body sensations and thoughts, and my focus was fairly tight on my body. With a little time, that focus expanded to include outside traffic noises and other sounds around me.

Not long after that, the flow of sensations increased in speed greatly. Before, I was noting maybe 1 note per second. Now, sensations flickered very rapidly and started to flow past. My noting speed went up, and sometimes I was able to note more than 5/second, but all I really got out of it was that something flickered. There was no time to soak in the impression. Eventually, this slowed down and it felt like I 'fell out' of that state. I was, however, able to re-establish it several time over the course of the 40 minute sit. I could have kept sitting like that for a long time, but the chime rang, and I needed to get back to work.

The "flow state" is very distinctive when it's that clear. I've only had it happen a handful of times.

10/13 cont...

Drive home:
I either noted or watched my breath all the way home. I felt this sort of watchfulness or awareness most of the way home.

In bed:
Later in the evening, I was feeling a whole lot of excitement, tingling, light bliss mostly in my abdomen. I could feel my heart beating, and even placing a little amount of attention on my breath would cause some high-frequency vibrations, tingling, and excitement to start up. It was very hard to get to settle down, since I was basically meditating whenever I closed my eyes. I kept having these swirly sensations flowing through my body.

Had a strange moment that I've never had before. I'd been in bed with my eyes closed for a bit, and my body was already feeling lots of swirling, pulsing, waves of sensations. Tthings started to get dreamy, like I was about to fall asleep. Suddenly I felt this quick 'inversion' sensation (don't know how else to describe it) that morphed into an image of myself upside. I found myself looking at this image for a split second, and then it switched back. I had a small explosion of tingles and bright purple and blue lights and some additional bliss and excitement that took a long time to recede. I kept thinking, 'what the heck was that?' It took me a very long time to fall asleep after that.

10/14

Morning:
Slept pretty well last night, and woke up with a surprising amount of energy, given that I'd gotten a whole lot less than my usual 8 hours of sleep. Sat for 15 minutes in the car before work, and did not have clear state transitions, but did get to where sensations started to go by more quickly. I felt like more time would have gotten me noticeably deeper, but I needed to get to work. Noted on the way in, and I was able to stay with noting and/or mindfulness of my breathing.

Lunch:
Quick 30 minutes sit. Watched my breath and started getting this bubbly effervescent tingling internally. After 5x10, I had already felt a quick rush of bliss, and so I started noting. Pretty soon, I started getting this swirly feeling washing over me. Body sensations were fairly apparent, sometimes more so than the sounds of traffic outside. I didn't get the full-on flow of sensations as I did yesterday, but things did speed up a bit and I had some of the same vertigo. I also had a few transitions in this state that felt like fruitions: mental flutter/shake feeling, then more clarity, 2) quick head jerk, then clarity. They're pretty quick, and I'm not getting the bliss wave after these, so I'm not really sure about them.

After work:
I was able to be present the vast majority of the drive home without much effort at all. Played with attention size and scope and with making attention narrow and effortful or peripheral or panoramic or focused and fascinating.

Evening:
All evening it seemed to take little (or no) effort to feel watchful and attentive to whatever was happening. When I focused on a thing or task, I felt bliss and tingling rise spontaneously. Later, I lay on the bed for 5 min and felt like I got pretty deep and attentive to not only all the sounds and sensations, but especially thoughts. Body felt like swirly energy was sloshing around inside.

10/15

Meditated in bed right after waking up. Watched my breath for quite a while, then started noting. Cycled gently from A&P up to Low Equanimity and back to A&P. A&P was a rush of tingles and mental clarity. Shortly after this, all the hair on my arms and legs would suddenly stand up and I'd feel cold. This would fade down and I'd notice nasal drainage down the back of my throat, then that would calm down and things would eventually get dreamy. Pretty soon, I'd be restarting the cycle.

I got a couple short sits in after dinner, but the strong focus and watchfulness from the last two days seems to be fading.

10/16

Another sit in bed right after waking up. Pretty similar to yesterday, well focused, but without the hair on my arms and legs standing up. Felt pretty blissful afterward.

During the day, I didn't feel the strong focus, attentiveness at all.

In the evening, I was able to get a half-hour in also. Pretty dreamy, blissful, calm. It was hard to tell how much I cycled.

10/17
Morning:
Woke up hard with upleasant vibrations. Sat for 20 minutes before my drive in. It was extremely difficult to stay focused either on my breath or on noting, and there was this strong sense of dullness. The drive wasn't any better, and sensations felt like they were going by way too fast. I was not able to stay with noting very well at all.

Afternoon:
2 session: 40 minutes, started with breath, switched to noting, never really got anything started, and fell asleep. Woke up with unpleasant vibration in my chest and abdomen. Did another 30 minute session, and also fell asleep.

Drive Home:
Tried to note, but it was not going anywhere. Lots of dullness, distractions. Gave up eventually.

Evening:
Whatever clarity, energy, excitement that was happening last Thursday and Friday is completely gone, and I feel like I'm back in the dukkha nyanas again. Felt really tired, restless, a little shaky, hungry, some aches and pains. Went to be early.

10/18

Drive in:
Noting on the the drive in did not seem very useful, and it seemed hard to focus, hard to concentrate. Later in the morning, some vague sadness, of acceptance, maybe some small sense of letting go of something, kind of like after crying.

Lunch:
Walking meditation for 40 minutes. I was initially unfocused when I started walking. I watched my breath, and then switched to noting, but still found myself lost in thoughts occasionally. Switched to noting thoughts exclusively, identifying them as past, future, or self-related. After 10 minutes of this, I felt an increase in physical spaciousness and my five senses seemed more obvious. Thinking decreased. I had initially been looking down to avoid distractions, but this now felt a bit cramped and it felt better to look up and to have a wider field of view. This sense of spaciousness faded after having to walk through some busy sections of road back to work.

Drive home:
Sat for 20 minutes before getting on the highway. Noted thoughts on the road: past, future, self. This seemed to open up some spaciousness and reduce getting lost in thought fairly effectively. Concentration seemed pretty good, and noting felt a bit heavy eventually, so I dropped it, and just lightly touched whatever came into awareness. I was able to tell pretty clearly just how wide or narrow attention was.

Evening:
Quick sit after I got home. Since my concentration was up, I did some samatha practice, and was able to get into jhana fairly easily. After a bit of time in in 4th, switched to noting, then noting just thoughts. Was interrupted by the family coming home, but still felt some clarity, energy, excitement, and bliss into the late evening.

10/19

I had another night with sleep problems. Spent 8 hours in bed, but had very, very poor sleep. Woke up hard, and was feeling out of it, foggy, no clarity, a lot of dullness. On the drive in, it was next to impossible to keep my mind on noting, and even driving seemed like work.

I didn't get a chance to meditation at lunch, but I was sleepy the whole day anyway, and almost fell asleep in a meeting in the afternoon. On the drive home, I felt like a newbie meditator. Several notes, then a few minutes of dullness, thought, another few notes, more thought.

It's still amazing how just how variable this can be for me sometimes, but it's also clear that good sleep makes such a huge difference.

10/20

So I found out today that I have a sinus infection. Explains a lot of the tiredness, confusion, sleepiness, and general lethargy. I'm curious to see if antibiotics change how practice goes.

Morning:
Sat for 20 before the drive, and while I didn't completely lose the thread like yesterday, I wasn't very highly focused either. Even so, it felt like I moved through the nyanas. On the drive in, there were moments of good clarity even thought keeping up noting was difficult.

Before and appointment:
Quick 20 minute sit, some breath-watching, some general noting, and some noting of thoughts.

Lunch:
Started with breath, and had pleasure rise several times throughout my body. Switched to noting. It was hard to tell if I was moving through the nyanas, but eventually I got this dreaminess, and then a sudden sharp transition to clarity with a lot of brightness in my visual field, and lots of tingles. Very shortly after that, I felt a cold chilly tingling, then a while after that, the dreaminess returned. I cycled one more time like that before the chime.

After the chime, I opened my eyes and kept meditating. It was raining, and I was able to notice everytime a raindrop landed on my windshield. The rain sped up, and so did my noticing, and my awareness started becoming more involved in tracking the raindrops. I started feeling this hard-to-describe tightness in my body, almost like the entrance to a fruition. It kept getting more intense and my awareness kept focusing more and more completely on the raindrops. It was a pretty big buildup, but then I had a small shiver, and what felt like a very light release, but nothing else happened. I sat for a while longer, and then ended the sit.

Drive home:
Hard to stay on noting, and out-loud noting felt difficult. Finally tried noting with a metronome, and it seemed to at least keep me on track.

10/21

Morning:
20 minutes before driving in, mostly noting, but some breath-counting to try to boost concentration. I didn't feel any transitions, but at the chime, I definitely felt concentrated, present, and had some tingling going on. The drive itself felt less productive, and I couldn't stay with noting very long. I seem to be feeling more doubt today, and less like things are progressing, which is a contrast to yesterday where I felt like things were changing, especially during the lunch sit.

Lunch:
Intended to walk, but ended up going back after 20 minutes since it was too cold and windy. Sat in car for 30 minutes. Had a hard time getting focused, but was noticing quite a lot of body sensations. Had one noticeable transition down from dreaminess that came with a bliss wave -- been a long time since that happened. Ended up dreamy, drifty when the chime rang.

After work:
Sat for 20 minutes before driving home. Don't remember much about the sit or the drive other than I played with second gear, and feeling the sense of the 'I' in my body.

Evening:
Two 30 minute sessions of following my breath. Fell asleep for the first one, but then immediately did another one and was able to stay with my breath.

10/22

Long drive and time to sit: 4hr 30 minutes of various practices, including noting/driving, kasina, nap/noting. Worked on 2nd gear as well, and seem to be getting into feeling the me better. Rather than asking 'Who am I?' over and over, it seems to work much better to focus on what the physical sensations are when I say, 'me, myself, I, mine,' or 'where is the me?' I get a definite sense of something in my face and abdomen, and along the parts of my body that would be protected if I curled up into a fetal position.

10/23

I was sort of half-awake, gently drifting, very warm and comfortable in bed after a good night's sleep. I wasn't even awake enough to think about getting up. Suddenly out of nowhere, I felt this sort of buildup. It's hard to even describe it when I think back on it.

You know sometimes when you flip on a light switch, and the light comes on really bright for a millisecond then there's this tiny pop and it burns out?

Now, imagine this happening in ultra-slow-motion, in high def over the span of a couple of seconds. I started feeling the buildup, and immediately knew this was going to be one of those 'what was that?' moments. There was a bright flareup, not really visually bright, but more mental, and I felt a kind of expansion or pressure in my head around the level of my ears. Suddenly, there was this soft pop that pushed out against the inside of my skull and I was through it and on the other side. The first thought that came up was, 'wait for it...' A few hearbeats later, a cool wave pulsed once in my body and slowly faded away. No bliss, just calmness, coolness, and silence, silence, silence. Then, the rush of excitement and joy washing through. My skin turned cool and and stayed cool.

In the space of 5 seconds, I was now completely awake and alert.

10/23 cont...

Morning:
So, I was curious to see if anything felt different immediately after the big 'what was that?' event earlier this morning.

Following my breath and noting felt heavy, so I just lay there and did nothing, and slowly my concentration deepened, and the sense of my body faded into the background. There was this sense of calm, of spaciousness, of clarity, of peace, of transparency, of ease. It seemed like I had all the time in the world. I felt myself cycle a couple of time through bliss, then coolness, then outside sounds, dreaminess, then back down.

Eventually, things settled and the sense of my body faded even more, and I had this sense of space, of drifting back and forth like if I was on the big swells on the ocean, with a little vertigo. The sensations deepened, and after a while changed to a sense of focus and detail on my body, kind of like zooming in in high res. I let this deepen for quite a while and then just hung out here. Eventually, I ended the session and was very surprised to find out that I had meditated for over 70 minutes.

Afternoon:
Walking meditation through the park near my house. There seemed to be a lot less distinction between formal meditation and just letting things be and noticing them, so I didn't try very hard to note. I just walked, took some photos of the foliage, sat quietly for a bit, walked some more. All of this felt peaceful, calm, clear, lucid, and joyful. Thoughts were clearly noticeable as thoughts, feelings clearly as physical sensations, and I enjoyed the feel of my body as I walked through the park for an hour.

Middle of the Night:
I woke around 3:30 am and lay in bed. Without even trying to meditate, I went up through the cycles and had a fruition and a massive bliss wave that pulsed several times for me.

Neat!

Wow Andy, keep us posted! Is this the first time this has happened to you? I like your clear and precise journaling style.

Thanks Antero,

No, this is the second time. The first time was in post #109. It wasn't exactly similar, but after 10 days, I felt confident in calling it my stream entry fruition.

This one feels promising, but I've been fooled before.

It sure sounds like something wonderful! Keep us posted.

"Thanks Antero,

No, this is the second time. The first time was in post #109. It wasn't exactly similar, but after 10 days, I felt confident in calling it my stream entry fruition.

This one feels promising, but I've been fooled before.

"

Excellent work Andy!

I know the feeling of jumping into conclusion from experience :-X. If you continue your splendid journaling, we will soon find out!

Great stuff!

10/24 - the day after the 'what was that?' event

I got maybe 5 good hours of the night before, but I was surprisingly awake and aware throughout the day. There were many time when I had this sense of 'me', 'I', an observer, of watchfulness. So, I tried to keep my attention on that sense of 'me' whenever I got the chance.

Morning:
Sat for 15 minutes before my drive in and settled into meditation very quickly. On the drive in, awareness was easy, and I was able to focus on and enjoy the feel of driving. It was also easy to notice when I had drifted into thought. I kept this up all the way into work.

Lunch
Did walking meditation, but it was very windy, and I felt distractable. Was able to get into a flow of noting a number of time, though.

Drive home
Again, I had the same sense of watchfulness and of an observer, so I tried to do second gear. I kept attention on the sense of the observer as much as I could while still trying to note/notice all the other stuff going on. This will take practice.

Tuesday, 10/25

Morning:
Sat for 20 in the car before driving in. It took about 10-15 minutes to settle down physically and mentally. But, relaxation came up, and interestingly, it wasn't really relaxation, but a kind of acceptance of the stiffness in my neck, my shirt rubbing on my neck, a slight discomfort in my hands. Once that happened, I was able to note stuff much better and faster. It's like I had to get out of my own way. I had one transition out of spaciness that was a kind of a shuddering, and then my visual field brightened and sounds sounded, well, different.

Once on the road, I started noting, and then simply paid attention to phenomena arising and passing. My attention was pretty panoramic, and I was clearly noticing it jumping cleanly from one thing to another to another, and there was this obviousness, this matter-of-factness about it. Awareness, right then and there, was exactly only what was presenting itself to me, no more, no less. This felt both obvious, and also like an insight.

Things flowed this way for a short while, then, just for a moment, the process snagged on something. I realized that I'd just had a very short self-referential thought. The pull of that tiny little thought was pretty amazing. It derailed the process of in-the-moment awareness for that moment, and the focus of awareness shrank down to only the thought. I was able to restart the noticing and continue in that wider-open awareness state, but I kept having curiosity and thoughts about that 'snag' and then traffic got heavier, and I was unable to maintain my awareness.

Two interesting things in one session!

Tuesday, 10/25, cont...

Lunch:
Counted my breath for 2x10 before feeling a rush of bliss, then switched to noting. Shortly after this, I started getting a lot of body sensations, like energy and tingles moving from one part of my body to another. Interestingly, my noting also sped up, to where I gave up on noting, and just tried to lightly touch each sensation with some attention. The faster I noticed the faster the sensations came, and the more I started to feel a sense of buildup and vertigo. I wasn't getting muscle twitches, but instead, fairly often I'd get this tiny little pulse in my head and body at the same time that would consume all of my attention. Each one felt like a tiny little fruition, and I must have had dozens of them.

The whole experience felt very much A&P like, but without the big bliss and 'Oh WOW!' factor. It's hard to overstate how physical this whole sit felt, and just how many different sensations were coming and going. It seemed that there was way more going on than I could notice, but that there was also more to notice with more practice.

Drive home:
Started with noting the 4 foundations, then noted just thoughts for for a little bit longer. After that, just a light noticing touch sufficed. There were times when I was really getting into the driving, getting into the flow of it, really enjoying the feel of the car on the road, the sounds, the flow of the traffic, the detail in the landscape around me. And no, it's not a sports car. It's an older Pontiac Torrent that really needs new tires.

Tuesday, 10/25, cont...

Evening:
Played with samatha to see if I could notice any difference in the feels of jhanas. Almost immediately, I started getting some tingles and light bliss whenever I exhaled. Got pretty concentrated in a short time following my breath, then set my intention to go up through the jhanas as far as I could. Inclined my mind to shift to first, and I felt a little shift, my eye focus changed and I was in first. I went up through the rupa and arupa jhanas this way, and each time I changed to the next jhana, I felt this very light, blurry transition, the feel of focus would change, and I'd quickly stabilize in the jhana. By the time I got to seventh and eighth, the sense of transition was there, but the feel of the jhana was much harder to pick up.

So, next I tried to attain the pureland jhanas. I felt the transition to ninth, but the state didn't seem any different than the what was there before. By the time I got to the thirteenth, even the feel of the transition was pretty much gone, and I never did feel any differences in the jhanas. I'm guessing I'm not an anagami yet.

Excellent stuff Andy. Just saw your post from a few days back. It sounds like maybe you did complete an insight cycle and if that's the case and it's your 2nd full cycle... well

I do like your description of "Almost immediately, I started getting some tingles and light bliss whenever I exhaled" which is characteristic of the post path starting at A&P when you sit stuff.

Do you think you could make a resolution to review each of the nanas from 1st to 11th? If you can do that maybe you could do a writeup on each one as it presented in your sit.

Have a look at post 354 in my journal. That's sort of when Kenneth advised me on what to do and look for post 2nd path.

Best of luck - good job (either way)

I'm practicing as if it happened, but am reserving judgement. I've thought I've completed cycles before, only to be proven wrong in a short amount of time.

I will make that resolution and will work on getting clear about each nyana. That's something that's been pretty hard for me to make out, except for big landmarks.

Oh, Post #354 is near stream entry for you. I'll look for the 2nd path stuff further along in your journal.