Nikolai's Practice Notes

Nick, I love your practice thread. Your comments are always genuine and honest. Enthusiasm is perfectly okay. Wanting to get things done is perfectly okay, too. Just follow Kenneth's advice and one day you''ll know. There will be no need to guess, there will be no doubt. You'll laugh and wonder what the big brouhaha was all about.

It's getting harder each day to bring myself to record my practice here. So once again forcing myself to write something down. I just don't have any desire arise. And my practice is getting very subtle indeed.

Had a very timely chat with Kenneth today on what one needs to do to get 4th path.There is this incessant "pull" to end it already. And I find that the mind is constantly "searching" for a release. I keep catching it wondering about what else needs to be seen....what am I missing?

For the past few days, I have been repeating the resolution to give myself permission to get it done. "I let the mind and body do what it must to get it done." When I do this, immediately after, there is a sense of "letting go" and I see how the mind had been subtly clinging and embedded in a thought or sensation. This "letting go" perspective is wide and panoramic. It includes everything including the sense of self.

I just sat for an hour . Every minute or so, I needed to check if I was "holding on" to something, subtly embedded and it was enough to remind myself of the resolution for it to just "let go". Aaaagh, it is quite a powerful habit the mind has, to cling to phenomena. It seems to constantly want to fall on mind states and thoughts like a magnet. Such a subtly difficult process to "see". But when you realize it, and accept even that "grasping" as just "grasping" there is an immediate "letting go" of that grasping. Every time this occurs, there is an obvious upsurge of energy in the body that reaches the crown, which has now become a fountain of subtle, pleasant vibrations. I have three weeks of forced vacation on my hands. Hopefully, I can put them to good use.

Wide, open perspective accepting everything as it arises,
Letting go of acceptance and non-acceptance.

Hi Nick,
Just wanted to post my gratitude to you for your honesty. Some of what you're saying makes sense to me, and some doesn't, but it's just great to read and a bit of a relief , as one can feel very alone on one's path at times. So I'm glad you're putting it all down and sharing it. Enjoyed the jhanic arc you did with Kenneth on you tube too...that kick started some new (old) experiences for me.

Serena

Thanks you Serena, for the kind words. I am glad my notes are helpful in some way.

I have been watching Shinzen Young videos on youtube and his video titled "Non-dual awareness" and his description in it, is more or less exactly what I seem to be experiencing when I say that when there is acceptance of phenomena as it is regardless of what it is, there is an automatic "letting go" of that phenomena with a very wide, panoramic focus. And this results in moments of everything, the flow of self and it's sum parts joining together with the flow of all other phenomena arising and passing away to merge as one flow. This all seems to flux and flow without a sense of subjectivity, very non-dual and I guess this is why Shinzen refers to it as non-dual awareness. I guess I am not so clear on third gear then, because I have moments or glimpses of that pristine ISness, but for moments only then the flow of self or other phenomena drag the mind here and there. But when I find the experience is having the two flows merge as one, to arise and pass away constantly very quickly, it seems that they arise and drop back down into that pristine ISness. This is lasting much longer, say 10 seconds before the mind wants to start thinking how awesome it is.

Kenneth or anyone who can help, is this preferential to the bystander or is this the bystander itself? It certainly feels right. I am talking about what I should be "doing" or not "doing" to satisfy this knarly, aching, out-of-sync feeling that urges me to get it done.

Here's the video:

Thanks,

Nick

Nick, I feel you, man. I'm not sure there's any one thing you "should" be doing or not doing at this point. One important thing that will sound silly to you right now is that this is not happening to "you" and there is nothing that "you" need to do, or can do for that matter. It will just happen, sort of like lightning striking a tree out of a clear blue sky. I recall being absolutely overwhelmed by the thought that there was something I was missing, and being so focused on that. I tried to drop it, to let go of it, but even if it wasn't being fretted over by conscious mind it percolated somewhere unseen. I was certain there was something I was missing. What did other people see that I didn't see???

Turns out there was a "something" but it wasn't something I needed to add. It was something I was doing that made it seem like something was missing, sort of. The last few thoughts I had before the blip were about the not-sacred nature of everything. THE NOT SACRED NATURE OF EVERY PHENOMENON. So what do you think you're looking for? Is there anything that special?

Chris, you are a blessing! This is extremely helpful! The view that there is no phenomenon that is "better" or "more sacred" than the rest of phenomena seems to be very conducive in reaching that "letting go" perspective. I keep forgetting it. I love this place!!!

"
I recall being absolutely overwhelmed by the thought that there was something I was missing, and being so focused on that. I tried to drop it, to let go of it, but even if it wasn't being fretted over by conscious mind it percolated somewhere unseen. I was certain there was something I was missing. What did other people see that I didn't see???

"

And I so relate to this. There is at once a desire to stop grasping but there is grasping in that not wanting to grasp. Aaaaaaagh! Yeh, I try and let go, and it seems to raise its ugly head elsewhere. So subtle but so, so in my face these days. Thanks a million , Chris. For some reason your advice is spot on and I will keep close to heart.

Metta!!!!

Chris's advice in invaluable. I imagine it is something like stream entry... once your done chewing you swallow...

"And I so relate to this. There is at once a desire to stop grasping but there is grasping in that not wanting to grasp. Aaaaaaagh! Yeh, I try and let go, and it seems to raise its ugly head elsewhere. So subtle but so, so in my face these days. Thanks a million , Chris. For some reason your advice is spot on and I will keep close to heart.

Metta!!!!"

Hi Nikolai,

First things first - forget about nonduality. Forget about the subject/object split. In my opinion, and in my experience, it's not really the point. We think that if we can just see reality in some special nondual way, we'll stop seeking it, and thus stop suffering. Maybe that's the case for some people, but I'd guess that it is not more often than it is.

I've been finding the four noble truths to be the best pointer in regards to insight. Is there suffering/stress? If so, where? When did it pop up? Is it in regard to a particular feeling or idea? If so, recognize that the feeling or idea is causing suffering. Allow yourself to see this for what it is, and cultivate dispassion toward it, and let release from it come as it may. That's when the whole "nondual" thing starts to make sense.

It's no use striving for nondual realization, when such a realization comes from non-clinging. Work toward non-clinging rather than nondual states. Do so at whatever level you're at, be it no jhana or deep jhana. See what happens.

Best!
~Jackson

Jackson, you are also a blessing! And as are you Clayton. You PM was inspiring!

I am writing several minutes after sitting for 40 odd minutes while the experience is fresh in the mind.
All of yesterday I had an intense amount of agitation and suffering coming out of the heart and then throat. At times it would shift down to the solar plexus and then stomach. Constantly shifting up and down, very frequently. And the thought....the constant thought....what the frack am I missing? And Chris, Jackson and Kenneth's advice rolling around my head..."I" have nothing to do with this! There is nothing "I" can do to make it happen". Ok, I get it! "I" can't do anything to get it done...frack!!!! And Jackson's advice to just see what is causing the suffering....I am not noting this misery..."I" am suffering....so the mind turned in on those sensations which seemed to be the cause of my reacting mind. Mainly at the heart...an intense flow of agitation. So intense. I had to get out of the apartment and go for a long walk. I walked and walked over 2 kilometres, noting constantly, vibrations, unpleasant, vibrations, unpleasant, image, vibrations, unpleasant, craving....

I bought myself an icecream out of habit and sat in a park and kept noting. The negativity would shift from the heart to the throat then to the third eye as pressure and vibratory movement....then back down and at times move all the way to the stomach , a very uneasy feeling there. But the noting was working in a sense, "I" was not suffering anymore. There was no "searching" for that missing thing. No agitation experienced in the mind, just on the body.

I went home, feeling like I was doing the right thing. No more craving or searching to get it done. My fiancee got home and even though I had the occasionally thought of "when is this going to finish? " I felt at ease compared to the past days of this incessant need to end it. I surfed the net, watched tv, and talked with my fiancee. I forgot about the "searching".

Now this morning, I awake and feel rested. I am officially on holiday now for 3 weeks. So no worries or preoccupations, no responsiblities. I am not as agitated as yesterday. I feel the vibrations mainly at the third eye. No negativity on the body.

I start to sit. I note it all, pressure, vibrations, neutral, image ...

I stop noting as the energy shifts to the crown. I feel the mind disperse. Ease, calm, OKness, perfectly equanimous with the arising phenomena. The mind starts to analyze what I was doing for years and years. Thoughts: Why am I giving priority to those sensations that prop up the sense of self? Why are they so special? What do they have over the other phenomena? There IS no difference, they are the same, the mind observes the sense of self...nothing but sensations behind the eyeballs, a fleeting image.....the experience starts synching in line with these thoughts, the sensations of "I" are the same as all the rest. What is "better"?....there IS no "better". ....a fruition occurs, a beautiful one, unexpected, leaving the mind completely still, rebooting, the sensations of "I" are seen as just more phenomena, everything seems synched up, and then a blip or something, a shifting in the mind, thoughts of "What was that?" "Was that it?..."What was that?"...thoughts of doubt, thoughts of "Am I craving this?"...and each thought arising is no longer the same experience as before.

They are not really self, they are just arising, more thoughts arise, "Have I done it? Do I feel like I've completed the circuit?...more empty thoughts which float up and away, even thoughts of "I'm not sure"...but even though those thoughts float up and disappear, there is something different........There is something different about them....they are not "I"......and the more I type, the more it feels....done.

Doubt, uncertainty are all arising as mind states and thoughts, but...they are seen as just clouds....the sense of self...just clouds....I am just sitting here typing and something is different. No need to do anything. The mind, my head...feels clear and empty. Things are arising and passing as always, but there seems to be no clinging.

Time will tell...

"Time will tell...
"

Indeed

Wow man. Let it settle a bit. But it certainly sounds like a big step in the right direction.... : )

Nick, I love the maturity I see from both you and Clayton. No adolescent chest-thumping here, just patience, wisdom, and open-mindedness. Thank you for honoring the culture of this forum and thank you for inspiring all of us with your sincerity, your dedication, and your willingness to share your remarkable practice. As you say, time will tell...

Metta and mudita,

Kenneth

Hear hear!

As all this is happening , I feel it best to record it as it occurs. I don't have a journal of my own except for these notes.

After I wrote that last note, I felt odd, very odd, all sorts of phenomena started arising in field of experience. So many thoughts of doubt, but so, so empty. Having no affect on this feeling of contentment and stillness at the centre of the storm. The smallest of changes but they seem so empty and not "I". I decided to go for another walk to clear my head as it felt so full of thoughts and sensations rolling around incessantly.

As I walked, this process seemed to go on and on, each thought was given the slightest fraction of a second to arise and disappear, same with sensations, same with all the phenomena. It was like a mass of phenomena arising and passing away...kind of had the feel of jumble of voices wanting to be heard but no-one was answering them. Doubt kept rising, "Have I done it?'....empty thoughts, the sense of self, still there hahah, but so empty, then replaced by other phenomena taking centre stage, brief fraction of second each time, such a jumbled mass of phenomena...I don't think I'm giving this the best explanation. But as I walked, it became obvious,, that there was no clinging....things, phenomena were all of equal status, the sense of self, sensations, thoughts...all equal. It felt like some sort of re-organising of the mental/body process was occurring...so strange yet so interesting. I experienced some intense negative sensations again at the chest and throat but not like yesterday, there was no wrestling with that negativity. It was just there. No identifying with it. So empty!

And as I kept walking, it became clearer and clearer. The negativity shifted upwards to the third eye. I felt the mind previously full of all sorts of momentary fragmented thoughts and sensations calm down. I entered a shop to buy some lentils to make a dhal. The mind just seemed like someone had flicked the switch and I was back to the beginning. I felt so normal, present but all that empty phenomena just arising and passing away without any clinging. No freakin clinging. I let out a laugh...it feels freakin done!

But, yes, in the spirit of this wonderful community...I will give it time to settle as like other experiences in the past , it could well be a phase. A bloody GOOD phase!!! But we'll see........hahahaha!

After another excellent chat with Kenneth via skype today, I decided to go on a destination-free romp around Santiago city here in Chile. I just thought to myself, let's just go somewhere, anywhere! I felt the rumblings of some heaviness in the stomach region which soon shifted up to the heart area. Intense energy that would often cause very negative thought patterns to arise in the past. But now, just a rumbling heavy energy. As I rode the bus to the centre of town, i felt it shift up to the throat then third eye area. Intense pressure there. Strange pressure, bubbly pressure. But no suffering. Just watching it curiously as I sat next to some "flaites" (Chilean teenage troublemakers). I felt the thought come up, "Shall I engage them as they start grafitti-ing the bus windows?'...haha..."Nah, what makes you think you are a super heroe now.? Hahaha....I let that thought eat itself and it evaporated like it was nothing but cigarette smoke. The kids got off the bus looking at me weird as I smiled at them with so much joy just spilling out. A joy that soon turned into an all-smiling, metta boom-boom, love fest with the world as I walked the streets of downtown Santiago with no clear destination. The pressure/energy had shifted to the crown and the mind, was now just a clear , clear, clear sky. I could add another clear in there. The joy welling up and springing forth was something I could never imagine occurring...ever!!!

Continued from above...

Phenomena ...thoughts, judgements, happiness, sense of self, curiosity, amazement kept arising and passing away like clouds. Oh the joy, people! The frickn joy that wells up inside. I am free, free, free! I feel an immense amount of weight has just dropped away. I'm not at all exaggerating. The freedom from the sticky "I" is something so, so freeing! I know enlightenment doesn't mean a bliss fest 24/7....cos now I am feeling the rumblings of a new cycle and another dark night creeping up. But bring it on. Happy in hell? Hell yes!!!!

Excuse me for my overly enthusiastic post. I cannot contain the joy that I feel today. Eat this, "sticky "I"! Great name for a band!

Thank you Kenneth! Thank you everyone! This IS what I was searching for for over a god damn decade!

May you all attain the same god damn joy!!!!!!


P.S. I ask the powers-that-be to lock this thread. Tis too big now and I think I'm ready for a new phase thus new practice notes thread.

If I can just get in something quick here, before the locking occurs?

Wow, man. Just wow. Thank you so much for sharing. : )